


Peace is where Heart is

by Marce



Series: Consequences [6]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coda, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode 10x22, Episode Related, Feelings Realization, Fix-It, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sadness, Season/Series 10 Spoilers, Series Finale, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:08:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 96,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23507389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marce/pseuds/Marce
Summary: That feeling came back several times in the past few days, Steve seemed defeated and tired, but he didn't say anything... And Danny had let it go... Tonight he decided that not anymore...Trembling, he got up from the bed and took the stick that rested next to the headboard. He walked slowly towards the door and went out into the living room. The house was dim, illuminated only by the faint moonlight filtering through the window. Carefully and quietly, Danny began to climb the stairs, step by step, as if measuring his own strength and afraid that it wasn't enough to reach the top floor.
Relationships: Steve McGarrett & Catherine Rollins, Steve McGarrett/Danny "Danno" Williams
Series: Consequences [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1153874
Comments: 364
Kudos: 295
Collections: Fics I Don't Want To Lose





	1. I think... I'm done!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! it's me again. I guess, like many of you, I'm somehow... disappointed by the last minutes of the finale. That doesn't include, of course, the farewell scene with each of the team members, (scene that I absolutely loved and made me shed a few... I mean, a lot of tears). I respect Peter Lenkov's comment when he says that fans can get to know the characters very well, but that he wrote them and, therefore, no one knows them better than him. Maybe this is the case, maybe not, but each one of us has the right to imagine our own scenario, don't you think?
> 
> That's why I decided to write this story, to heal my own heart and to show what, in my opinion, would be a perfect ending, with our boys finally together. Of course, I firmly believe that someone like Steve, deeply hurt by the loss, loneliness, and undoubted signs of PTSD, will need some time to heal. Perhaps, that's the reason why Lenkov thought Steve could hold onto a renewed romantic relationship with Catherine. I seriously disagree from that... second parts were never good, and they had previously admitted that they were better just as friends.
> 
> SPOILER ALERT! This story picks up some dialogue from some episodes of season 10, particularly 10x11, 10x19 and 10x22, so please be aware... and read accordingly.
> 
> This story will have, as always, a dose of angst and emotional hurt/confort, before our boys finally open their eyes and help each other heal.
> 
> I deeply appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on this story. Those who have read my work know that I never leave a story unfinished. This work is written in 100%, the details in each chapter need to be refined, so, as always, I will post them every two or three days. So, don't worry, I won't leave you hanging.  
> I thank my beta, Hugo, for his time and ideas. If you find a mistake, it's all mine, tell me and I'll be happy to fix it. Please, let me know what you think.
> 
> Disclaimer: All the characters and situations inherent in the Hawaii five-0 TV show, are owned by its creators and CBS. They are taken back for entertainment purposes only. No money or goods have been exchanged in the publishing of this story.  
> Enjoy reading!

**PEACE IS WHERE HEART IS**

**CHAPTER ONE: I think… I’m done!**

Steve was sitting there, looking through the window, letting his thoughts wander and be lost in the clouds that swirled outside, while Catherine held his hand and looked at him expectantly. He had felt so lost for the past few months but now… he was beginning to wonder if getting away would really solve that problem.

* * *

He had debated so much inside his head for the last week since the whirlwind of emotions that followed Danny's kidnapping. First, his focus was on rescuing his friend and the anguish built up as the minutes ticked by... a million images of the worst-case scenario he dared to imagine passed through his mind. There was a moment when he was sure Danny would die and, even now, he was unable to describe the pain he felt.

A terrifying laugh, mixed with the tears that were accumulating in his eyelids, had torn his throat as he watched Danny lie unconscious in his arms, while his truck flew towards the hospital. Anyone would say he should be used to all this stuff… after losing so many people, victims of his military past or the consequences of his mother's job. But nothing that would have happened before, could compare to this... to this overwhelming fear that seized his muscles and froze his will to fight... No... that was not going to happen... losing Danny was inconceivable.

In an attempt to escape from the constant, unsuccessful harassment in which Lou and the other team members had been engaged to comfort him, he slipped away into the silent dark chapel and knelt for the first time in a very long time. He really wished there was one chance to trade his life for Danny's. Anger came in an indefinable wave that mixed with fear... this fear that overwhelmed his brain and his heart. And when Cole asked for his permission to crack the cipher and figure out Daiyu Mei's location and intentions, he couldn't help but notice the indifference with which he listened to the guy... he really didn't care anymore... There was no point in worrying about finally solving the mystery that had haunted him for the past ten years… it would make no difference, no with Wo Fat and Doris... even when they were dead, they were still bent on taking everything good from him.

When the dust settled after Daiyu Mei's arrest and reality hit him one more time, Steve drove back to the hospital... to the chair next to Danny's bed… that chair and his friend's hand wrapped in his trembling fingers, would be his refuge for the next few days.

* * *

"Steve?" An insistent voice brought him out of his thoughts. Reluctantly, he turned his head to look at Catherine. She couldn't help but notice his deep frown and confused look.

"Sorry!" he whispered, "What were you saying?"

In response, Catherine looked at the pretty flight attendant, who was standing next to her, and who asked one more time in a sweet voice, "I was asking if you would like something to drink, sir."

"Oh!... no thank you. I'm fine…"

Without saying another word, he looked at the window again. He wondered, for the umpteenth time that week, if he was doing the right thing.

* * *

The way home from the hospital had been quiet. Danny was there... next to him in the passenger seat, his head back on the headrest and his eyes closed. Steve's mind was torn between concern for Danny and the crisis about Doris' latest messy attempt to give her children financial security that they didn't ask for or didn't need, as if all the gold in the world could replace her presence (or the lack of it) in their lives.

Slowly, he parked the truck as close to the entrance as he could, to ease Danny's walk. He ran to the other side and carefully helped the beaten detective out of the car, handing him the stick and taking the backpack and the plastic bag with the usual yellow bottles filled with painkillers and antibiotics that Danny should take over the next few days.

Steve held the weight of his friend, who was walking with difficulty, clinging to his waist as he moaned in pain. Steve shuddered again as he recalled the inventory of injuries that, in a professional voice, the surgeon had listed that day, as she walked with him to the room where his friend lay. In addition to the internal damage caused by the bullet, Danny's face had been used as a punching bag, causing a cut to his lip, bruises to his cheekbones, as well as a deep cut on his left eyebrow; He had two broken ribs and the old injury in his ACL had worsened again, when Danny made the acrobatic move to free himself from the chains and fell roughly on his knees

Slowly, they approached the door, which was quickly opened by a concerned Junior who moved to let them in. Without pausing, both friends walked to the room on the ground floor, where Danny had been sleeping since that fake mold story, invented as a pretext to be with Steve in his grief for his mom's death.

Steve let Danny to move at his own pace and slowly sit on the edge of the bed. When he was sure his friend had stabilized, he began to move around the room, arranging the pillows, unpacking the backpack, throwing the dirty clothes into the basket, and placing the meds on the bedside table.

"Please stop moving!" Danny whispered in a pitiful moan, "You're making me dizzy."

Steve stopped, turned to look at Danny and said apologetically, "I'm sorry ..." He looked at his watch and, frowning, mentally calculated the time, then said, "You must uh... you must take your meds in twenty minutes... I'm... I'm gonna bring you some water. "

Without waiting for an answer, Steve quietly left the room, feeling Danny's gaze pierce his back, but not daring to turn to meet those blue eyes that, more often than he would like, could effortlessly read his tangled thoughts. They had several conversations in the hospital, in which Danny tried, unsuccessfully, to ease the mood and prevent Steve from sinking into guilt. Over and over again, the conversation crashed into the inevitable phrase: "She used you, Danny... she used you to get at me... and you almost died."

A few minutes later, a thoughtful Steve entered the room with a tray in his hands. On the tray, there was a glass jug filled with water, a glass, an apple cut into thin slices, and a bowl full of pistachios. When he saw Danny's questioning gaze, Steve simply said, "The doctor said you shouldn't take the meds on an empty stomach, Danny, so don't complain and eat."

* * *

All week, Steve behaved like a mother hen. He made sure Danny ate, took his meds, and walked with him to the beach to spend some time in the sun and the breeze, as he cleaned up Danny's room.

Danny smiled sadly, as he watched his friend try to keep himself busy to avoid thinking, what he achieved, at least in part, during the day. They talked about trivial matters, had lunch together, and when Steve had to go out for a while, he made Kamekona or some member of the team stay with Danny.

But, as always, the night time was another story...

Every night, after bringing the water and watch Danny taking his meds, Steve said goodbye with a laconic "Good night, Danny. Sleep well." As he placed his hand on his friend's uninjured shoulder and gently pressed for a couple of seconds, then he went out and gently closed the door. Danny could hear Steve's quiet footsteps on the stairs and in his room, where he paced back and forth for a couple of hours. He suspected Steve was trying not to make noise... but Danny knew better.

He ran through his mind repeatedly, his conversation with Steve, when they both rode through the woods a few weeks earlier:

_“You know what, I can, um… I can hear you at night.”_

_“Why don't you get some earplugs?” As always, Steve tried to avoid awkward conversations. Danny wasn't willing to let him do that this time._

_“No, I mean, I… I hear you walking around, pacing back and forth. I know you're not sleeping.”_

_“So what?”_

_“I just... Maybe you want to talk, tell me what's going on.”_

_“Uh, you just said it. I'm not sleeping right now. That's it. Nothing left to say.”_

_True to his habit, Danny kept pushing, “But it's a new thing. I mean, when I moved in a couple months ago, it wasn't like that. So I wondered if maybe something changed, something going on…”_

_But Steve had interrupted him and said bluntly, “I got a lot on my mind. That's it. Okay?”_

_Finally, Danny had given up and with a slight sigh he said, “Okay. Well, like I said, I'm here if you want to talk, you know?”_

_Without looking at him, Steve had answered, “And even when I don't to, huh?” but then he had turned to look at Danny and couldn't help noticing the roll of his eyes, so, softening his tone he said, “I appreciate it. Thank you.”_

_Dripping sarcasm, Danny simply replied “Uh-huh.”_

_Things had gotten a little tense from there, so they had only been able to resume their conversation when the whole thing was over, and the horses had to return to the ranch. By then, Steve exuded sadness from every inch of his skin... suddenly, he stopped his horse, watched the sunset and said, “You know, I've always taken sunsets for granted. Probably 'cause I figured I'd see a million more… But just 'cause you see something every day, doesn't make it any less special, huh?”_

_Danny didn't dare interrupt his friend's conversation, so he remained silent and continued to listen to Steve as he continued to ramble on, “In fact, I think those are the things that you're gonna miss the most in the end, you know?”_

_He didn't like the turn the conversation was taking, so he just nodded, and tried to ease the mood, even knowing it wouldn't work, “You know, I-I think about sunsets… I think about, um, the sun setting, which means it's gonna go down, which means it's gonna be dark, and then… we'd have to sleep in the... in the woods here, which...”_

_As he had done before, Steve interrupted him, his frustration was palpable, when he said, “Can I... can I savor this moment? Just for a second…”_

_Danny mentally kicked himself, and replied, “You-you can have the moment… Yeah, take the moment.” And he kept trying to make his conversation have a less disturbing tone, “You have the moment, I'll go find a squirrel to grill for dinner. Does that sound appetizing?”_

_Steve closed his eyes for a second, and resigned, decided to continue the game, “¿A squirrel? Ten years. You've been here ten years?... You ever once seen a squirrel, Danny?” as Danny shook his head, Steve kept saying, “No, 'cause there are none. How have you not learned that?”_

_Danny made one last attempt, pulling out of his own book a joke that has worked countless times before, “I-I guess I'm a slow learner. If I wasn't, I probably would have gotten a new partner a long time ago, you know?”_

_But Steve didn't take the bait; sadness tore through Danny's heart when he heard him lower his voice and say, “Admit it, Danny. You're gonna miss this when it's done.”_

_That was the first time that fear, along with the feeling that Steve had finally reached his limits, had taken over Danny's heart; Sighing, he replied: “Yeah, maybe, but I would never say it out loud”._

That feeling came back several times in the past few days, Steve seemed defeated and tired, but he didn't say anything... And Danny had let it go... Tonight he decided that not anymore...

Trembling, he got up from the bed and took the stick that rested next to the headboard. He walked slowly towards the door and went out into the living room. The house was dim, illuminated only by the faint moonlight filtering through the window. Carefully and quietly, Danny began to climb the stairs, step by step, as if measuring his own strength and afraid that it wasn't enough to reach the top floor.

A strange and ridiculous feeling of victory momentarily filled his chest, as he reached the top of the stairs and approached the door of Steve's room... timidly, he knocked the wood with his fist twice.


	2. Don't worry. I'll still be here in the morning.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Danny have a heartbreaking conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh! my ... This was difficult! I cried a lot with this chapter. Please enjoy and tell me what you think.

**CHAPTER 2: Don't worry. I'll still be here in the morning.**

Catherine had finally given up trying to get his attention and was head tilted back and sound asleep with the headphones on. Steve looked at her for a moment, unable to suppress a stab of guilt. She was there for him, she had helped them crack the cipher, and had flown to Hawaii to make sure Steve was ok with his decision to leave for a while. She knew he loved Hawaii and knew how difficult it would be for him to finally leave and cut the moorings.

He wondered what Cole would have said to her, so that she would make the decision to interrupt some mission in some corner of the world and fly to Hawaii. He also wondered what her intentions or expectations would be in doing so. Life at the CIA made her happy… she told that. What would be the consequences for her and her career?

He felt his stomach tighten at the thought of something that troubled him since he saw her standing there: after things took their new course, could he give her what she expected?

A small voice welled up deep in his head. That voice, which sounded strangely just like Danny's and which, from time to time, came up to make him react when he was about to do something incredibly stupid _. "You're doing that again, McGarrett! You got into all this to start worrying a little about yourself and a little less about others!"_ He tried to silence that voice and made a mental note to ask Catherine what her plans were once they landed.

He settled into the seat, turned off the light on the top panel, and closed his eyes, intending to get some sleep, but the memories flooded back into his head one more time.

* * *

Hearing the soft knock on the door, Steve froze in the middle of his usual nighttime walk around his room. A few seconds later, he walked slowly to the door and opened it. He wasn't surprised to find Danny's tired face.

"Danny? Something is wrong?" He asked with concern reflected on his face.

Without giving him enough time to reply, Danny put his hand on Steve's agitated chest, gently shoved him, and followed him into the room, closing the door behind them. With stiff movements, he sat on the edge of the bed, under Steve’s searching gaze, he couldn't understand what was happening.

With a sigh, Danny leaned forward and propped his elbows on his thighs, looking his partner in the eyes: "You have to stop, Steve."

Steve shook his head several times, trying to figure out what his friend was talking about. Danny wouldn’t let him continue this crisis of guilt and self-pity, "You need to stop ..." he said once more, tapping the surface of the mattress next to him, asking Steve to sit down.

When his partner was finally seated, Danny watched him for a few minutes, as Steve tried to escape from that searching gaze, focusing his attention on the wooden floor. But this time he was not going to run away. He had to listen to what Danny had to say. So, the detective took courage and whispered, "Listen..." He raised his hand until it landed gently on Steve's chin and forced him to look up, "You need to make a decision, 'cause you can't keep doing this ... You need to do something to get you out of that depressive hole you've been trapped in for months."

Steve sighed deeply and tried to answer something smart, but the words refused to form in his brain, "Danny... I..."

Danny spoke again: "You've been trapped in a spiral of pain and loss for over a year, Steve... I get it." After saying that, he thought better and rectified: "What the hell! Since we met, you've been losing people... or worse… before that ... Freddie and your father, Taylor, Jenna, Billy, Deb... And the cherry on top was the way you lost Joe and your mom in less than a year."

As he listed the losses, Danny himself seemed to realize his friend's endurance and was surprised that Steve had not broken before; He took a deep breath and continued speaking: "Not to mention your stay in Halawa and your tours of torture and suffering around the world, courtesy of your friend WoFat, Catherine, Doris and even me..."

Noticing the frown on his partner's face, Danny clarified: "Yes... Steve, you’ve also increased your dose of anguish thanks to my brother's messy adventures, my conflicts with Rachel for Grace's custody and Charlie's illness". Steve tried to shake his head and whispered "Ohana, Danny..."

"Yeah, I know... I've repeated it to myself, over and over again. This is what you do for your family…”

Steve got up, unable to bear that look that seemed to pierce him and bare the depths of his soul. Danny had the power to make him feel exposed… and he didn't like it. He resumed his walk while saying, "But that was you, Danny!" He took a deep breath, shook his head, and closed his eyes again, then he said quietly, "You don't get it..."

Danny misinterpreted the last phrase and reacted by raising his voice a bit, “I don't get it? I don't get what, Steven?” He tried to get up, but his strength failed and, frustrated, he dropped back onto the bed while saying, “Look at me, Steven!… I know none of us has been through the same as you've been. Hell! More than once I've thought that you're a kind of invincible superhero; Grover and the others are convinced that you're Superman… but I've also had my own dose of that… I've been on the edge many times, not to mention almost seeing you die a dozen times as well…”

Steve ran his hands over his face, unsurprised by the dampness he noticed on them, "I don't mean that Danny, I know you've been through terrible things too... But many of those times, when you almost died, it was my fault…”

"Your fault?" Danny shook his head again, "I know I've told you many times that you would be my death, Steve, but aside from the jokes, none of those things were your fault."

Steve's voice dripped sarcasm when he said, "Oh! is that true? And what about the bomb in the building, when you almost died because of Doris' past? ... Or the times you had to travel halfway around the world to save my ass? ... How about you risking your life landing a plane on the beach, when you had no fucking idea of how to do that?" The volume of Steve's voice increased at times, to the point where Danny feared that Junior listened to them and went upstairs to see what was going on. He raised his hands asking for calm, so Steve deflated at the conciliatory gesture, sat next to him again, hid his head in his hands and spoke so quietly that Danny had to lean closer to listen to him as he said, "Or, how about risking your life by giving up part of your body to save me?"

Before he knew, Danny's hand flew to his partner's hunched back and he began to gently rub between his shoulder blades, feeling the tension in his muscles when they contract at the gesture. "Don't underestimate me, buddy..." Danny said in a soft voice, "All those times I knew exactly what I was doing... I went into all those situations with my eyes wide open. Those were my actions, so they were my responsibility. None of that is on you.”

Stubbornly, Steve shook his head again, his hands still firmly on his eyes. It seemed like he wanted to prevent his soul from spilling through them, so he made an exhausting effort to contain it. "Maybe Danny... but this time was different from all the previous ones... This time happened what I feared the most... what a feared for a long time."

Still massaging his partner's back, Danny asked, in the same conciliatory tone, “What are you talking about? Why is this time different? What were you afraid of?" Then, he seemed to realize there were a lot of questions, so he fell silent and waited.

Steve let the confession slide without realizing what he was saying, until it had escaped his lips, “What I feared the most… what terrified me to the bones was that one of my enemies realized how important you are to me, and use that against me.”

Finally, Steve raised his head and looked into Danny's deep blue eyes, those eyes that mesmerized and frighten him at the same time, "She knew that, Danny... She told me when she demanded the handover of the cipher as ransom..."

Danny's confused look told him that no one had told his friend this part of the story, so he explained it, "She told me that each of us had something the other wanted..." he gasped and continued, "She said that she had the person that I care about most in the world…" Another couple of deep breaths interrupted him, before he could finally finish, “and that I had something that belonged to her… but she didn't know... not completely…”

"I don't understand..." Danny said confused.

“She didn't know that I didn't give a damn about the stupid cipher! She didn't know that the fortune Doris left in the crypt… wasn't anything to me. But you... I would have given anything to her, Danny! Even my life, to get you back safely.” Steve's eyes were locked on Danny's as he spoke. He wanted his partner to know that he was sincere... that it had never been his intention to put him in danger.

“I know I've been feeling lost lately, Danny… I told you. That's why I can't sleep. I know I need to do something about it…”

Suddenly, he stopped talking, closed his eyes, and tilted his head back as he mustered all his strength to admit it out loud, “It's just… it's just that I don't know what… what I do know is I can't do this anymore… and I also know that it probably won't be on my own terms.”

Danny resumed his massage on his partner's back as he recalled their conversation at the hotel in DC. A couple of seconds later he asked, “What is that… babe? What can't you do anymore? Because I think I have an idea, but I need you to tell me. "

“I can't put you in danger again, Danny. Not anymore…” Steve's eyes remained closed as he said that, and his fists clenched so tightly that his knuckles turned white and his hands trembled uncontrollably, “I can't risk the people I care… I can't bear to keep losing all the important people in my life... Unconsciously, I've been putting in danger the ones I love, Mary and Joannie, my friends... You... Sooner or later someone else will realize how vulnerable I am when it comes to you, Danny...” Steve stopped talking for one second, when he realized what he just said and tried to correct it by saying, “when it comes to all of you… I mean, somebody hurts you... then what? Every minute of every hour of every day I worry about it, Danny... and I'm exhausted... so I can't keep doing that, not anymore... I'm not that strong."

A sad little smile spread across Danny's tired face as he said, “You are the strongest man I've ever known, buddy. But don't get it wrong... That day on the beach you told me that you had been protecting everyone except yourself. I agree… you need to do something, but you have to do it for the right reasons, Steve.” That confused look clouded those hazel eyes again, so Danny said, “Don't do it for me… or for any of us. You have to do what you have to do... but you must do it for yourself... to heal yourself. To get back on your feet and be able to move on.”

And that fear came back... that fear that gripped Danny's throat, preventing him from speaking without feeling like he was choking as he said, "Babe, I can't tell you what to do... you must figure it out yourself, but I must be honest... and tell you that it terrifies me to think about the decision you will make, because…” Danny tried to contain himself, he couldn't tell Steve how he felt. He couldn't put such a burden on his friend's beaten shoulders. He couldn't tell him that he guessed Steve's decision would be to leave Hawaii... and that it would rip Danny's heart apart piece by piece. If Steve needed to go away, Danny would let him go without complaint, even if that decision would destroy him. His friend already had a lot on his plate and Danny wasn't going to make things worse.

Steve waited a few seconds until he realized that Danny wouldn’t keep talking, so he asked, "Because...?"

Danny quickly pulled himself together and answered, "Because surely you will decide that your best therapy is to throw a couple of grenades and kill some criminals with a bazooka, and I will have months of paperwork after that..."

Steve took both of Danny's hands and said angrily, "Don't do that ...!"

Danny looked at him surprised and asked, "Don't do what?" Steve replied, "You asked me not to trivialize this... so don't do that either."

Danny sighed and said, "All right... I'm scared, okay?" He mustered up his courage and said, “I'm afraid of what you said that day… that you can't find what you're looking for here in Hawaii because the memories overwhelm you. I'm afraid of what you said... about this picture of you and me... two old guys on the beach watching the sunset... that image was no longer possible… I'm afraid of when you said you needed time out to take some perspective, and I don't know… I don't know how long that will take... and I'm afraid you don't know either. And I'm afraid we don't have enough time to say goodbye, because you told me this is all going to happen very soon, okay?”

Steve approached Danny and this time it was he who was gently massaging his friend's back as he said, “Yes Danny… it will be very soon. It has to be because I don't know how much longer I can hold it.”

A couple of tears spilled from Danny's eyes and fell onto the fabric of his pants, wetting it. Steve's hand reached out and his thumb gently wiped his friend's cheeks. Then he said, “It will be soon, Danny, but it won't be tonight. You need some rest... and so do I. Why don't we leave this conversation pending and sleep for a while?”

Danny looked at him, unable to avoid the sadness spilling from his eyes, Steve smiled trying to reassure him. Slowly, he got up and held out a hand to Danny to help him up; Slowly, they walked around the bed and Steve helped his friend lie down, arranging the pillows so Danny could settle in without making his injuries worse. Then he went back around the bed and lay down on the other side. His hand reached out to turn off the lamp. The gloom invaded the room when Steve's hand gently took Danny's as he whispered, “Don't worry Danno. I'll still be here in the morning.”


	3. I'll know when I get there

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's no going back now!  
> Is that true? I don't think so.

**CHAPTER 3. I’ll know when I get there**

A couple of hours later, Danny slowly opened his eyes, it was still early and occasionally a dim light entered through the window, when the breeze gently shook the curtains. Steve was asleep next to him, his slow breathing making his chest rise and fall at a slow and steady rate.

For a while, Danny spent a moment studying his friend's face. Even during sleep, the frown was still there, as if the thoughts that tormented his mind during the waking time, also lurked in his dreams. His facial features had gradually sharpened over the past year, and the dark shadows under his eyes hardened his expression.

Despite all this, Steve's face was, if possible, more beautiful over time. Danny was surprised when that thought hit his head. He tried to trivialize it thinking that it was normal that he was aware of his partner's undoubted attractiveness. Nature had surpassed itself when this man was built, and time had further perfected that. The gray areas on his stubble and hair and the wrinkles around his eyes and on his forehead made his face even more interesting.

Slowly, Danny's gaze slid down to run through that sleeping body that was in enviable physical condition: the muscles in his torso and arms were still there, strong as rocks, and those powerful legs could still reach out and hit criminals ten years younger. There was no doubt that the results of the strict training and years of service to his country had not diminished after ten years, although it's fair to say that the rhythm he had established for Five-0 had helped him to look like this.

On the other hand, Danny couldn't help but notice the flip side of the coin. Suffering, injuries and their constant brush with death, had left their mark on that magnificent body. The scars were present on all the skin Danny could see at the moment: a long mark on his temple, which WoFat had left there in their final duel; several cuts along the eyebrows and an old and faded scar on his right cheekbone, as well as the stab marks and gunshot wounds on his arms, which could be seen if he knew where to look. Some of those wounds damaged those tattoos giving them a more mysterious appearance. All this without speaking of those wounds that were covered by the shirt and the sheet. If Danny closed his eyes, he could mentally map Steve's torso. The scars on his side and his clavicle and a long line that divided his chest in half, a scar Danny couldn't forget (although he sometimes wanted to) because he had a twin mark on his own chest.

He opened his eyes again and noticed that Steve's hand was still firmly gripped in his. The feeling of numbness spread through his fingers and down to his forearm, but Danny didn't want to move. He was afraid that if he made the slightest attempt, Steve would wake up and, God knows the guy needed some rest. So he decided that his numb arm was a low price to pay, he closed his eyes again... Steve's breath slowly lulled him.

* * *

Steve opened his eyes shortly after and noticed that he had practically kidnapped Danny's hand during the night. Embarrassed, he slowly released him and stared at his partner for a few minutes; Then he slid down the bed to get up, making use of what Danny would clearly call his ninja skills. He grabbed his phone from the bedside table and walked barefoot across the room, avoiding making any noise. Silently, he opened the glass door and stepped out onto the lanai, where the sun was beginning to heat the floor. Enjoying the heat that seeped into his skin, he walked to the wicker sofa, sat down staring at the small screen as his thumb ran through the contact list to find the number he needed, when he found it, he pressed the call button and waited.

* * *

Danny woke up again when he heard the unintelligible murmur coming from the lanai, just outside the window. Confused, his gaze scanned the empty room, until his mind cleared enough. He sat on the edge of the bed and mentally took inventory of his body. The pain in his knee had diminished considerably, his past experiences told him that a couple of days more and he could put down the stick. His ribs protested and the stitches painfully tugged at his skin as he stretched out to test his strength; he knew it was still a while before he fully healed, but today it was easier to breathe and the bruises on his skin were slowly fading.

He tentatively stood up and walked to the bathroom trying not to strain his knee. He looked at his face in the mirror, as he pushed the door to close it. The swelling on his cheekbones had decreased; the butterfly bandage was no longer necessary; the eye effusion gradually disappeared and the eyelid, although still swollen, no longer looked like a slit. After solving his bladder urgency, he washed his hands thoroughly and poured fresh water over his face. A few minutes later, he came out with the towel in his hands.

Steve was still outside, but he was no longer talking, so Danny fought his tangled guts and, throwing the towel in the direction of the bathroom, opened the door and stepped out onto the lanai. His partner was sitting on the sofa, his bare feet resting on the small table. The head was tilted back, resting on the back cushions. His eyes were closed and he breathed deeply, as if he wanted his body to absorb the sunlight and be charged with energy.

* * *

The cushions sank down beside him as Danny sat down with a slight growl. Steve opened the eyes and looked at his aching partner, and while assessing his physical condition he said, "Hey!... Good morning."

"Hey..." Danny replied quietly.

"How do you feel?" Steve asked as he started to stand up, "Are you in pain? I'll bring your meds."

In an attempt to keep Steve next to him, Danny asked, "Who were you talking to?"

Steve looked down to see the phone spinning in his hands, hesitated for a second, and then said, "The Governor's Secretary."

Danny looked up, but to meet his friend's eyes, he had to tilt his head back, “Let me ask you a question, Steven, did she call you or did you call her? And please sit down for a moment or I'll have a neck contracture.” Seeing Steve hesitate, he said, “Those meds can wait a minute or two. What's going on?"

"I was thinking about what you said yesterday... and everything we've talked about in the last few days. I think you're right, Danny. I have to stop and do something.” He raised his hand, showing Danny the phone, as he continued to speak, "I called her... I have to meet her in an hour."

Danny had to clear his throat to chase away the knot that fear had formed there, "Have you already decided what you're going to do?"

Steve walked a couple of steps toward Danny, but at the last second, he decided to sit on the chair in front of him. “You said I was caught in a spiral, Danny. You're right. I think it's time to go on... and I think the first step is ... to resign my position in Five-0."

Noticing the look of pain in Danny's eyes, Steve leaned forward and faced him, “I can't figure this out as long as I'm stuck in whatever we do every day, Danny… We have case after case, I hardly ever have time to process what happened in one case, when the next one is already knocking on the door… Lately, my whole life is focused on that and, as I told you yesterday, I can't do this anymore. I have to give my life a complete turn if I want to avoid the spiral keeping me trapped. But, before talking to her… there's something I should discuss with you.”

Danny's hands trembled for a second, before he could stop them, then he asked, "What is it?"

"The governor will ask me who will take over the Unit when I leave... and I was thinking..."

Danny raised his hand as anger formed, "No!" he said bluntly.

"You didn't even hear what I was going to say..." Steve defended himself.

"I know exactly what you were going to say, Steven, and my answer is no."

"But Danny, you're the only one who can do this job!"

Danny shook his head and said, “No… you don't get it, do you? For me, there's no Five-0 without you, Steve. I was with you when we formed Five-0 ten years ago... if we leave, we leave together. I don't want to stay there when you're gone.”

Steve sighed in frustration, sometimes Danny made things too complicated, "But..." he tried to talk.

"No _'buts'_ , Steven. Maybe it's time for me to retire. It's not a secret that I've been considering retirement for two years now… I've reached my 20s, so it shouldn't be a problem. ”

Steve tried to dissuade him once again, “Why do I feel like I'm pushing you to quit a job you love? Just because I need to leave, doesn't mean you should do that too. And then what? Danny. Do we let Five-0 collapse?”

"No, Steve. Lou's there. I'd tell you that he can take over, but I have a suspicion that he and Reneé are also thinking of retirement, but he'll still be there for a while. And the kids, Tani and Junior, they're amazing... and Adam and Quinn are not bad at all... Now, Cole is here and the man seems to be made of a material like yours, with your same doses of madness and your excellent training. The guy seems to be looking to do something new with his life too. Why don't you suggest that he take over the team? And, by the way, you're not pushing me into anything… I'll tell you one more time, if I do this, I do it with my eyes wide open. It's not on you.”

“But…” Steve was not convinced.

Danny leaned forward, to the point where both men's foreheads were almost touching, while saying quietly, “You're concerned, I get it. Five-0 is your legacy... it will always be... _our_ legacy. Five-0 should continue, even after we're gone. The team can make it work... You don't have to worry about this. You should focus on healing, and although that hurts, if you think you can't do it here, you should find whatever you're looking for… wherever that is.”

Not for the first time, an idea fluttered in Steve's head. What if he asked Danny to go with him? He rejected it again. He had to do this by himself. Danny had been his lifeline for long enough. Before meeting him, the idea of settling down and staying on the Island wouldn't have crossed his mind, no matter how much he loved his homeland. But Danny had given him a reason to stay here, and Steve had held on to that reason for ten years. It was time for him to stand on his feet by himself.

On the other hand, even though Grace had gone to college, Charlie was still here. It wasn't fair to put Danny in a dilemma. So, he didn't and remained silent. A couple of minutes later, he looked at his watch and stood up saying, “I must get ready or I'll be late. Do you want me to bring your meds, or you rather to go downstairs?”

Unable to contain his frustration, Danny sighed and tried to get up saying, “There is no point in being alone up here. Help me, will you? I'm still a little stiff, I'll make some coffee while you take a shower.

* * *

As Danny struggled through the kitchen and heard the distant sound of the shower water hitting the bathroom floor tiles, the thought of the retirement quickly formed in his head.

He meant what he said to Steve on the lanai. Danny didn't want to continue in Five-0 without Steve. It would be too painful to walk into headquarters every day and look at the corner office, occupied by someone else. For him, Five-0 was synonymous with Steve McGarrett and could never be otherwise. And anyway, if Steve was planning the next step in his life, Danny would have to do the same.

He made a mental note to speak to Rachel. After her divorce, she had no reason to stay on the island and she had repeatedly hinted to Danny about the possibility of returning to the mainland, now that idea didn't seem so bad. Maybe the three of them could go back to Jersey, they'd be a few hours away from Grace, Rachel knew a lot of people there, maybe she could get her old job back. Danny's parents and sisters were there and Charlie would have a family who loved him. Maybe they would have to wait for the school year to end, but if they did this, life in Jersey could ease the situation, even in part. True, in Danny's heart none of that was the same as being with Steve, but he would have to settle… if Steve left Hawaii, there was nothing to keep him here anymore.

Yes, he loved Lou and the rest of the team, but, besides his children, his reason for being on this island, the reason for _loving_ this island was Steve... it was always Steve. The old fear returned again. What if he wasn't able to move on? The mere thought that there was a big chance that he would never see his partner again, made the air catch in his lungs and quickened his heart rate. He couldn't understand what he was feeling.

He had always thought that his best friend was important to him, but this was too much. He didn't know when his feelings for Steve have changed, until the man became a fundamental and essential part of his life. He loved Steve... of that he had no doubt. And now he realized he was in love with Steve. And that terrified him... He was sure that if he could... if there was a slight chance that Steve wanted him, he would leave absolutely everything and go with him... he would find a way to combine his life with Steve and his relationship with Grace and Charlie.

 _"Oh, come on! That’s not gonna happen!”_ his mind told him. Thinking about all of this didn't make any sense. Steve had made it very clear that he should do this alone. So, Danny kept all his hopes in a drawer inside his brain and focused on making coffee and cutting some fruits.

* * *

The morning passed painfully slowly. Steve was gone hours ago and Danny was fidgeting nervously on the couch. He'd been hanging out on the beach chairs for a while, but the hardwood wasn't helping his sore muscles, so he went in and settled on the couch, turned on the tv, and watched without seeing whatever they were broadcasting at the time.

The Silverado's engine broke the monotonous noise from the tv show. Then the clink of keys as Steve walked to the door, which opened a minute later.

Steve entered the house and dropped onto the couch next to Danny. "Hey... Have you eaten something?" he asked.

Danny shook his head and asked in return, "So...?"

Steve realized that he couldn't evade the issue and said, "It's done... The governor called Cole and offered him the position as leader of the team... They'll meet this afternoon."

Danny felt the air freeze in his lungs. The speed with which the inevitable was coming, literally crushed him. He simply asked in a sad voice, "When...?"

Steve refused to meet Danny's eyes, he simply said, "This afternoon I'll look for a flight and then I'll pack."

Danny's eyes were wet when he asked, "Where are you going?"

Steve closed his eyes and tilted his head until his chin touched his chest, "I don't know yet... I'll know when I get there."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First part is done! I covered some gaps in the missing scenes. Now to solve the disaster and focus on our boys being together. Please keep reading and let me know what you think.


	4. It's not goodbye forever.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's try to solve the mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here begins the second part. Inexplicably for me, the writers forgot Mary after Doris' death. It's a loose end that bothered me a bit since episode 10x07. I was expecting her to appear in some later episode, to mourn her mother's death, but nothing... So, I figured one of the first steps Steve would take to get started his healing process would be to resolve this matter with her. It's also my view to solve the Catherine issue. This chapter borrows some 10x22 dialogues. So keep that in mind. Please read and let me know what you think.

**CHAPTER 4: It's not goodbye forever.**

After what seemed one of the longest flights of his life, the unmistakable sounds of the plane landing brought Steve out of his thoughts, Catherine slowly opened her eyes and smiled sleepily at him, while the voice echoed through the speakers.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Los Angeles International Airport. Local time is 02:00 hrs. and the temperature is 58 degrees. For your safety and comfort, please remain seated with your seat belt fastened until the Captain turns off the Fasten Seat Belt sign. This will indicate that we have parked at the gate and that it is safe for you to move about. At this time, you may use your cellular phones if you wish.

Please check around your seat for any personal belongings you may have brought on board with you and please use caution when opening the overhead bins, as heavy articles may have shifted around during the flight. On behalf of Hawaiian Airlines and the entire crew, I’d like to thank you for joining us on this trip and we are looking forward to seeing you on board again in the near future. Have a nice stay! Mahalo nui iā ia”.

Steve smiled back at Catherine and turned on his phone, Danny's message flashed on the screen one more time, just like when he had turned his phone off six hours earlier: "Miss you already." Again, that sad smile appeared on his lips as his fingers flew across the screen, “miss you 2, buddy! Remember, It's not goodbye forever…” Catherine couldn't help but notice the sad expression on his face and asked, “Hey… sailor, is everything okay?”

He nodded and with a half smile replied, "Yes... everything is fine."

Once the plane stopped at the gate, they followed the rest of the passengers, and forty minutes later they were sitting at a table in front of a coffee shop, the only place in the terminal that was open 24 hours. On the table, between them, a couple of capuccinos and two slices of orange and coconut cake.

"You're very quiet..." She said tentatively, while she took the fork and cut a piece of cake.

He looked up and smiled at her again, she couldn't help but notice that it wasn't a complete smile. "Sorry ..." he said, as he reached out and wrapped his fingers around her hand. "I'm sorry Cath!" He repeated, “It's just that… I've been feeling a little lost lately. This is a huge decision and my whole life is about to change radically… I know I said I was ready, but…”

She smiled, understanding. "It's scary, isn't it?" She sipped her coffee and said, “I get it, sailor. It's the same way I felt after Billy died. It takes a lot of courage to do what you're about to do, Steve. All your life you’ve had a purpose. People have needed you for as long as you can remember, and you’ve always been focused on doing what was expected. Now, you need to focus on what you need... and that's not easy, because I'm sure you don't even know what that means."

She sought to find those eyes that she thought she knew so well. What she saw was something different. Steve had changed a lot and she couldn't help but notice that. Unsure of how to finish her idea, she said, "You just need to take some time... to live one day at a time. For a while you’ll miss your life in Hawaii, every day and hour. But that will improve, I promise... after a while you’ll miss that less."

"Yeah... I guess." he said closing his eyes as he took a sip of his coffee that had started to get cold. Danny's image quickly formed in his mind. He wished what she said was true. He wished there was a chance that Danny's absence in his life hurt less, but he suspected that with each new day, he would miss him even more... Danny and the others, of course. The memory of their last conversation on the beach and the team's farewell came back to his mind.

* * *

The morning started abruptly. He heard Steve's movements in his room, from a stupidly early hour. He supposed everything was ready: Steve had his plane ticket and he was packing. That thought made him want to throw up. That and the memory of the previous day.

Last evening, after half eating some Kung Pao chicken that Steve had ordered from that Chinese restaurant they used to go, he looked at his partner, who sat down, chopsticks in hand, putting the laptop on the coffee table, to look for the flights that would leave Honolulu the next day.

He watched Steve go over the possible destinations and couldn't but noticed that one name stood out among all: LAX. "Are you going to see Mary?" he asked shyly, embarrassed for snoop on the screen.

"I guess I should, right?" Steve replied, "There are unfinished issues with her... I haven't seen her since..." His partner stopped talking and clicked on a flight to complete the purchase. Danny was silent as Steve keyed in his credit card numbers. When he finished, his eyes met his partner's again, “I know it's something I need to do. I just... I don't know what to tell her, Danny. We spoke on the phone after we returned from DC. But this is... "

"Yeah, I know." Danny replied, "If you talk to her face to face, you have nowhere to hide."

As always, his friend's lack of subtlety made the conversation more direct, but not easier though. He knew there was no point in disguising the truth, so he simply said, "Yeah..."

Danny got up from the couch and tried to adjust his posture while saying, "I guess I'm going to get some rest." He walked slowly to his room; he felt his resistance leaving him. Fear had settled in his throat again and he needed to be alone to put himself back together.

This morning had been no different. To escape from Steve getting ready, he entered the kitchen and smiled sadly when he saw that Steve had made coffee. The French press was on the table along with a Leonard’s box full of malasadas.

He served himself a cup, picked up the box, and walked out to the beach. He sat down with difficulty and his gaze was lost in the ocean. After a while, distant black clouds began to form on the horizon, even though the weather was perfect for the moment. Those clouds reminded him of his partner's impending departure, and the last malasada felt like an anvil in his stomach.

* * *

Steve didn't know how long Danny had been on the beach. He supposed the chairs were not comfortable for him, but, with a shrug, he had walked slowly through the garden, toward the beach. He stopped for a moment to look at Danny's hair, which reflected the sunlight with small golden sparkles and fluttered in the breeze, a couple of seconds later, he sighed deeply, and kept walking.

“Hey…” he said as he sat next to Danny.

“Hi…” his friend replied, still looking at the ocean.

“How you feeling?”

“Depressed...” was the short answer. Steve saw Danny immediately regretted saying that word, so he asked, “Depressed? Why you depressed?”

“You know…” Danny answered with a sigh, “…that lady, the nice nurse at the hospital? She was bringing me those red Jell-Os with the whipped cream on top?”

Danny was trying, Steve would have to give him that, so he played along, “Yeah.”

As if he hadn't heard, Danny kept talking, “I miss her. She was very nice to me.”

Steve wanted to prevent the conversation from becoming serious, but he didn't quite succeed when he said, “Yeah, can I give you a word of advice? Don't mistake a caregiver for someone who cares. She was getting paid to be nice to you". _Translation: “Look at me… I do care about you. Please don't think I don't… Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I don't care.”_

As always, Danny hit the nail on the head when he said, “Oh, really? You know, jealousy is not... pretty on you". Then Steve noticed a change in the downcast expression of those blue eyes, as he heard him ask, “You all packed?”

When Steve nodded, Danny spoke again, he could hear the desperation and hope hidden in those words, “I'm gonna just say this one more time. This is Hawaii… There are beautiful beaches all over the place. Plenty of sand. You can clear your head here. It's a beautiful place. You know what I mean?”

Steve felt his heart shrink... he felt like an insensitive jerk while talking to Danny, but at the same time he felt helpless in the face of the overwhelming sadness that flooded his friend's eyes, “Who are you, man? Ten years ago, you came out here, you hated this place.” _Translation: “I need to do this and I need to do it alone. Otherwise I won't be able to figure out a way to move on… Please understand.”_

Danny sighed again and replied, “I don't know, man. I blame you. I blame you for a lot of things”. _Translation: "I get it ... don't expect me to like it, but I get it."_ Then, trying to give all of this a touch of humor he had said, “By the way, I don't know why you didn't keep some of that money that Doris left for you. You could fly first class like a gentleman”.

Steve forced a half smile as he rolled his eyes, “First class?... I don't need to fly first class. I just need, you know, I just got to... get on a plane”.

Resigned, Danny asked, “What exactly is it that you're looking for?”

Steve pondered the answer for a few seconds, then simply said, "Peace," he was silent for a second, looked at Danny and said, “I mean, It was my father that brought me back here and that kept me here.”

When he said this, he knew deep in his heart that the last part was a lie. But he couldn't admit the truth to Danny... not yet. Instead he said, “I mean, he's the reason I stayed here. I… I just had to figure out what it was that he was investigating". He breathed a couple of times, as the words came out of his mouth, his mind confirmed that his dad's investigation had not been the only reason... not even the main reason to stay on the island ten years ago, “and then I... then I learned that he actually knew my mother was still alive, and…”

Danny had interrupted him… Unlike many other arguments, this interruption didn't bother him… Maybe, if he had let him finish, Steve would have spilled the truth. It was better this way. So he heard Danny saying, “So now what? You're gonna... you're gonna walk the earth like the dude from Kung Fu, searching for answers? What… what are you gonna do?”

Steve wondered once again where Danny got the easiness for film and literary references to come to his mind whenever he needed. He answered, "Something like that..." Then he looked back at his friend just as Danny turned his head sadly. Steve made one last attempt to lessen the despair that flooded those blue eyes, “It's gonna be okay, man. You know that, right?”

Danny had reacted. Steve had the impression that, unlike himself, his partner had decided that this was not a time to leave things unsaid. Danny's answer had been clear, he was angry about all this and he wasn't going to bother hiding it. “You know, it doesn't feel like it's gonna be okay. It feels like... my main dude is leaving me. That's what's happening, you know.”

Steve felt unable to say anything that could solve the situation… He felt guilty for not being able to manage his problems and clear his mind here in Hawaii, as Danny had asked him to. But he was afraid that the memories accumulating in his house... in Oahu would finally bury him and he wouldn't be able to move on with his soul intact. So he said what he thought was summing up his whole plan, “It's not goodbye forever.” And it was true... he planned to come back... it's just that, at that time, he didn't know when that would be.

Danny's answer rang in his ears for a while after that, “Better not be a forever goodbye. Why would you say that?”

Steve looked down and focused on the sand for a moment, then he dared to look at Danny again and said, “You got a phone, right?” _Translation: I'll be here... even if I'm not here... I'll be here. Makes sense?"_

Not wanting to extend the farewell further, Steve had stood up, while saying, “Come on. Come here.” Sadly, Danny had asked, “Gonna make me get up?”

Steve simply answered, “Yeah, get up. Come on.” Leaning heavily on the stick, Danny stood up and turned to face Steve, who hugged him desperately. "It's all right." Steve had said, though right now he felt his heart was ripping apart and that, if he were a bit less of a coward, he'd keep hugging Danny for all eternity. "All right..." he said as he melted into his partner in that final hug.

When they moved away, Steve had mustered up enough courage to say, while staring into Danny's eyes, "I love you, man." He knew that the phrase didn't express the magnitude of his feelings for his loud, grumpy and... perfect partner. His stomach dropped to his feet, when he heard Danny reply, in the same tone he had done countless times before, "I love you, too." Danny had not been able to hold his gaze. A second later, he sat down again.

Steve couldn't take his eyes off him, but the moment was broken when Danny said: “Don't make me come looking for you.”

With deep sadness, he started walking back to the house. After a few steps, he stopped and looked back... as if in doubt... As if, for a moment, his will failed. Danny was still looking out at the ocean. He told himself not to prolong this any longer... if he did, he would never be able to leave. He turned again and kept walking.

* * *

Catherine caught his attention again. Unable to focus on the present, Steve's mind had wandered countless times since the plane took off. Now, he tried to focus on her, while repeating his apology, "I'm sorry..."

She took the last sip of her coffee and said, "Maybe if you told me what is eating you up inside, you could leave it behind and go on."

He nodded and said, "I just remembered the team farewell..." She said nothing, just looked at him, encouraging him to keep talking, "It was so emotional, Cath. Lou… he cried… he told me that I had saved his life when we first met.” Steve brought the cup to his lips and when he realized it was empty, he put it back on the table and kept talking, "I didn't know what to say... Then, the others... Adam thanked me because I had always seen the good in him... You don't know how much I missed Kono at that moment, Cath... He seems so lost since they broke up..." Steve breathed again, then said, "And Tani... she..." The knot seemed to grow at times, so he cleared his throat and spoke again, "She, Noelani and Quinn, they seemed shattered... it seems that they all agreed. They all thanked me for something... as if I had done something extraordinary for them. They didn't realize that it was they who did something amazing for me.”

She shook her head from side to side and said, "You still don't see it, do you?" At Steve's confused gaze, she explained, “You did it, sailor! You gave them a reason to continue. You gave them a purpose and showed them a way to achieve that purpose. They love you… and they will miss you.”

"Yeah..." Steve replied, "Junior seemed to be the only one who understood my reasons for leaving... and he said goodbye to me, as always, without words." Steve's eyes were wet, Catherine was smiling understandingly. If she noticed that he, deliberately, avoided talking about his goodbye to Danny, she didn't show, she just let him finish, "I asked Cole to take care of all of them."

She nodded and said, “He will, Steve. He’s a good guy... "

He nodded again and decided to change the subject. The matter couldn't be postponed, he must know what Catherine's plans were for the immediate future. He gathered enough courage and said, “Listen Cath, I appreciate you being here to support me with this… You don't know how much I appreciate that… I wanted to thank you for everything, the cipher, the help… for being here. But I need to know..."

She got up and before walking to the coffee shop again, she said to him, “Hold that thought, sailor. I have the impression that this conversation will be longer than I thought, and we need another coffee for that.”

He followed her with his gaze, as she ordered and paid for the two coffees, and then when she returned with the two paper cups overflowing with the steaming liquid. When she sat down, she urged him to continue, "You were saying...?"

He tried to explain as best he could, "It's just that... when you were in Oahu the last time, how long ago?... two years, I think..." He was silent for a moment, remembering that, at the time, life seemed so well… Joe wasn't dead, neither was his mother… he had no idea where the hell she was, but Steve knew she was still around. He spoke again, "I remember what we talked about, while we were looking for that depleted Uranium, remember?"

She frowned at him, as if she didn't know where Steve was going with all of this. He went on to explain, "We said it was a mistake to get romantically involved Cath… you said that adding sex and romance to our friendship had been a terrible mistake... and I agreed."

He shook his head and continued, “Then Joe died, and you helped me so much!… without you, I couldn't have found Hassan and Greer. So when we said goodbye you said that you were glad that I had taken Joe's advice… and I…”

Catherine nodded silently but didn't say anything, so he spoke again, “I don't regret what we had Cath… it was the best thing that happened to me for a long time. You're one of the most important people in my life and you know that… and you've given me so much, I think I'll always owe you… I guess I'm just scared.”

"What are you afraid of, Steve?" she asked. He was not able to interpret her tone, so he answered honestly, “I'm afraid that you and I are not on the same page here, Cath. I'm afraid of the expectations you have and if I'm able to give to you what you're expecting.”

She smiled dazzlingly. "No, sailor. There are no expectations here, apart from wanting to support you in whatever you decide your destiny will be. I hope I don't hurt you with what I'm going to say… You're my best friend, you'll always be, that won't change… but that's all it is.” She reached out to take his hand and said, “I meant what I said that day, Steve. Our story was incredible... it's still incredible. But you and I are better as friends... as best friends. I don't expect romance, or marriage, or a ‘happily ever after’… that ship set sail a long time ago. For the both of us.”

Feeling an enormous weight lift from his shoulders, Steve stood up, held out a hand to Catherine, who shook it affectionately as she stood up too. "Come on, sailor. Let's take that first step.”


	5. The first step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the first step to healing. The first step to realize what he left behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little longer than the previous ones. It took a bit of work, and some rewriting. Please tell me what you think.

**CHAPTER 5: The first step.**

_Oahu, six hours earlier._

Danny felt his breath catch when Steve walked back to the house. All he wanted to do was get up from his chair again and run after him, but fear paralyzed him. If he did that... then what? Would Steve change his plans just because Danny asked him to?

He knew Steve needed to clear his mind, but he didn't understand why he couldn't do that here. This was his home... the man was born here, those walls back there and this beach saw him grow up... those comforted him and gave him refuge when he thought he lost his mom. The guy had released all his frustrations by swimming in that same ocean for the last ten years.

Twenty years ago, it was the last time Steve had left Hawaii for a long time, not knowing what his life would be like or what his purpose would be. The similarities to the current situation disturbed Danny more than he could have imagined.

He heard some unintelligible murmurs coming from the house, but he didn't want to find out what it was. He just stayed there, staring at the ocean and those black clouds that were approaching land faster and faster.

He didn't know how long it had been, when he heard the unmistakable rhythmic tapping on the grass. A few seconds later, he felt Eddie's warm breath on his hand. Instinctively, he moved to pet the dog behind the ears.

"You're sad too, buddy. Aren't you?" he said in a sweet tone, "I know... he left... and that sucks, doesn't it?" Danny knew Eddie could see the huge hole that Steve's leaving had put in his chest... He got it, because he felt the same; Danny let his fingers dig into the soft fur, "I'll take care of you, buddy... until he comes back, I'll take care of you.” Then, he picked up his phone and stared at the screen for a minute or two... his thumbs typing in a message for Steve, "miss you already," as sobs built up inside his chest.

The phone slipped from his hands and fell on the sand. Danny propped his elbows on his thighs and covered his face with his hands. He cried until he was out of breath.

A while later, he tried to calm down and wiped away the tears that were wetting his cheeks, when he heard more footsteps coming from the house. He looked up at Lou, who was walking slowly towards him. With a sigh, the captain sat in the chair next to him, saying quietly, "I can't believe he's gone!"

"Uh Huh!" was Danny's only response, his gaze focused again on the threatening clouds, as his hand scratched Eddie's head again.

"Are you okay?" Lou asked. Without answering, Danny let out a heavy sigh, so Lou spoke again, “I know… stupid question. Of course you're not…”

"That's an understatement... I bet you're not okay either." Danny said, turning his head to look at the sad man sitting next to him, who replied, “None of us will be okay for a while, Danny. But you… it's different. It's more than that...”

Danny shook his head and frowned as he said, "No... it's not."

"Listen, Danny. You can deny it all you want. But I know you... and the fact that Steve's gone, maybe forever… rips you apart.”

With the last sentence, Danny made that gesture of denial again, over and over, as he said quietly to convince himself, instead of Lou: "No... it's not forever. He said it's not forever... he promised."

Lou shrugged and said, "Okay. It may not be forever, but we certainly don't know when he'll be back". Lou was silent for a few minutes, but Danny didn't say anything else, so in a tone that showed that he was carefully choosing his next words, Lou asked, "Why didn't you tell him, Danny?"

Confused, Danny asked, "Why didn't I tell him what?"

"Oh... you know. Why didn't you ask him to stay? Perhaps you're the only person on earth who could have convinced him."

"So you think I didn't ask him to stay, don't you? Let me tell you something, Lou: I did. Many times since I found out that this was a possibility. I tried to convince him that this is his home and we're all here to watch his back, but he seems to think that the only way to shake off the depression and disorder on his mind, is to get away from me… from us, so it was a losing battle. From the beginning".

"Okay..." Lou shrugged again and reached down to stroke Eddie, who had lain down on the sand and was enjoying the attention of both men. "Maybe you didn't use the right words... so, I repeat, why didn't you tell him?"

"Tell him what, Lou?" Danny lost his temper. "Tell him that he, leaving me... that destroys me? Tell him that the fact that I don't know if I'll ever see him again, makes me want to throw up? Tell him that all I wanted was to handcuff him to that chair until the idea that he wasn't alone penetrated his hard skull? He said he needs to do this, Lou… I… I couldn't have stopped him, even if I had tried.”

"Exactly, Danny! Precisely because you don't know when he'll come back... or if... you should have told him how you felt.”

"He knows what he means to me." Danny said, not quite convinced.

"No. He doesn't." When Danny looked back to meet Lou's eyes, the captain said, "He doesn't know you love him... or better, he doesn't know _how_ you love him... Look, I'm going to give you some time to think about this. I'm just gonna say one more thing. Steve left, not because he's not able to deal with his problems of abandonment and loss." Lou's dark eyes locked on Danny's, “He left because he can't do it alone… not anymore. He knows that we, his friends, are here. And any one of us would do anything to help him, but...”

“He loves you all, Lou! You can’t doubt that!”

“I don’t. Danny. He loves us. He cares about all of us. But he doesn't need us... he needs you.”

Lou leaned back and closed his eyes, when a gust of breeze caressed his face. Then, he asked, "Have you ever wondered why he agreed when you moved here? Why did he resist the idea of Junior looking for a place of his own? The man feels lonely, Danny... and the combination of loneliness and depression is the worst. He feels lonely despite being surrounded by friends and Ohana... He left because all his attempts to find someone significant after his relationship with Catherine were in vain... those attempts didn't work because he knew that the only person significant to him, was out of reach."

Lou moved his hand to gently press Danny's forearm while saying, “I know you're his best friend, Danny. But he needs something else…” After a pause, Lou got up, saying, “As I said… I'll leave you to think about it”, he sighed resignedly and said, “We're gonna leave now. But I'll come to see you tomorrow. Don't forget your meds.” He started walking back to the house, but Danny's hoarse voice stopped him, "Lou..."

The captain looked back and heard Danny say, "Don't come tomorrow... I... I'll go to the HQ... I need to get out of here, or these walls are going to drown me."

"But Danny... you're not okay... not yet."

"I know... but I can't stay here all the time. It will be worse; don't you get it? Even when he's not here... his presence permeates everything in the house... If I'm here 24/7 I won't be able to get used to the idea that he's gone. I need to go out... do other things. I don't care if it's paperwork or whatever…” Danny stared at the water again, “I'll see you tomorrow, dude.”

Lou thought that maybe Danny was right. In the office, at least, he wouldn't be alone. "Okay, see you tomorrow," he replied and turned to continue his walk toward the house.

* * *

After checking into a hotel, it was still early so Steve and Catherine decided to get some rest, before the time was right to call Mary. They walked down the hall and said goodnight, as each entered their own room. Steve stayed awake, lying on his back, arms folded behind his head, as the crushing darkness was gradually replaced by the the soft light of dawn that lurked through the window.

He let the warm water from the shower hit his back as he wondered if this was really the first step to clear his mind... from the bottom of his heart, he wished so.

An hour later, Steve maneuvered the steering wheel of his rental to park it in front of the house. Mary watched him, standing by the open door. Her messy hair fluttered with the small gusts of air that blew from time to time. She was wearing tracksuit pants and a t-shirt too big for her, she was barefoot. Silently, she looked at Steve and Catherine as they got out of the car and walked toward her.

The hug lasted longer than Steve expected. Mary sobbed loudly with her nose buried in his shoulder. Catherine watched them silently, keeping her distance so as not to interfere with the pain that seemed to flow between them. Steve stroked Mary's hair, while saying, "Shhh... I know... It's okay."

After a few minutes, they finally moved away. Mary hugged Catherine briefly and quietly. Then, she turned around and looked at her brother's face, "You're so thin!" she said, as she put her arm around his waist and let Steve wrap her shoulders. They slowly entered the house.

Twenty minutes later, the three of them were sitting quietly around the kitchen table. The three cups of coffee had been emptied a while ago, when Mary finally decided to speak. "I'm sorry Steve..."

He looked up. Until then, his eyes had been focused on scrutinizing the coffee grounds that rested at the bottom of his cup. He frowned and asked, "You're sorry?"

She nodded, as she tried to explain, "I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that... Mom... it seems that she did everything possible to complicate your life since she returned from the dead, right?" There was anger and reproach in his sister's voice. He couldn't understand it at all. He had tried, by all means, to keep Mary from learning about the circumstances surrounding the two unfortunate encounters with Doris over the past three years. But his sister was smart and intuitive. Despite not knowing the details, she knew it had been difficult for him, to say the least.

The last time they had seen each other, it had been a few months after Joe's death, and Steve had assured Mary that he had already made peace with the fact that he had been unable to save the man. Steve suspected there was more complaisance than acceptance in his sister's nod, but he let it go and they didn't discuss the matter again.

Now she was looking at him in the eye, as if she wanted to unravel all the mysterious details that he had hidden from her. He decided that she had the right to know... so he told her everything... or almost everything: Wisely, he omitted what he believed could put her in danger, but told her about the numerous occasions when he and the team had been beaten as a consequence of Doris's work at the CIA. Later, he told her about that crazy mission in Morocco and about the bank accounts in Zurich, about the cipher and the fortune hidden in the family crypt.

While he was talking, Mary's face had gone from sadness to anger, but she didn't interrupt her brother. She listened silently, clenching her fists. Finally she spoke when Steve, tired, got up to serve another cup of coffee. Her words reflected what he had thought countless times over the years. “I can't believe she did all that to you, Steve. I'm sorry for what I'm about to say, but it's what I feel: Maybe it would have been better if we never found out that she was still alive. Since she reappeared, she only caused problems… I didn't have contact with her again, after that time at the house, but you… I don't know how could you bear all that crap.”

He shrugged, put the full cup on the table, and dropped back into the chair. At that moment, they heard the sound of Joannie's socks crawling on the floor as she entered the kitchen. "Mommy?" The girl's small voice echoed in the silence that filled the kitchen after the exhausting confession.

Joan stared alternately at the three adults who were sitting around the table. Suddenly, her sleepy expression cleared and she yelled, "Uncle Steve!" as she ran to hug him. Steve spread his arms just in time to wrap her. He picked her up easily and hugged her, placing a loud kiss on the blonde head. "Hi Joannie! I've missed you". Mary and Catherine could see Steve's wet eyes. The girl's hug had broken the stoicism that had remained on his face throughout his talk.

In order to help Mary and Steve continue to catch up. Catherine got up and, after placing her empty cup in the sink, said, “Hey, Joannie. How about you show me your room and get you ready for school? ”

The girl looked at her mother in silent question, when Mary nodded silently, Joan jumped off Steve's lap and her small hand took Cath's as they both left the kitchen. Then Mary looked at Steve, unable to hide her suspicion. "Something else is going on, isn't it?" She asked.

As only answer, Steve sighed loudly and Mary said, "You could have told me all of this over the phone... or better, you could have asked me to come to Hawaii to spend a few days on vacation with Joan, and we could have talked then." Mary got up and started preparing lunch for Joan, as she kept saying, “But instead, you show up here with Catherine, whom you haven't seen, if I'm not mistaken, for just over a year… What is going on, Steve?” She stood on tiptoe to take a jar of mayonnaise from one of the top shelves in the cupboard. Steve got up to help her and, while handing her the jar, he answered. "I couldn't do that, Mary... I couldn't tell you all this over the phone... I couldn't... I couldn't ask you to go to Hawaii... because I don't know if I'll be back there someday."

The mayonnaise jar slipped from Mary's hands and crashed loudly on the floor. As if she hadn't heard, or wasn't aware of the pile of broken glass and mayonnaise scattered on her kitchen floor, she asked with a frown, "What are you saying?"

Steve leaned down and began to pick up the pieces of glass, while Mary grabbed a towel and started to clean up the mess. When they were both squatting, they looked into each other's eyes. Steve answered quietly, as if that summed up all his reasons for escaping from Oahu, "I couldn't stay there..."

Mary's frown deepened and she asked, "Why? Hawaii is your home."

After tossing the glass pieces in the trash, Steve stood up. He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. "I don't know if that's true anymore, Mare..." She stood up slowly and, still looking at him, throwed the dirty towel into the sink. He spoke again. "Listen to me... I don't even know what's going on with me, but I feel trapped."

She tried to understand that, so she asked, "But... What about Five-0...?"

He shook his head and said, "Five-0 is part of the problem, Mary. It didn't give me time to process everything. Cases overwhelm us. There is always someone who needs us and that causes us to ignore our own list of priorities... That's why I can't do that job anymore. So I quit. I can't stay there."

* * *

Catherine heard a loud noise coming from the kitchen. Concerned, she handed the brush to Joan saying, “Here, Joannie. Keep brushing your hair, I'll be right back.”

She silently descended the stairs and walked through the living room, just as Steve said, "...that's why I can't do that job anymore. So I quit. I can't stay there." She stood there, behind the kitchen door listening as Mary said, “I get it… you're tired. Maybe it's time to retire… What I don't understand is, why leave Hawaii?”

He sounded desperate when he replied, “Because there are too many memories… Sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I haven't slept a full night in months because memories overwhelm me while I'm awake... and nightmares haunt me when I get to sleep. I needed to get away from there… Plus…”

He stopped as if afraid to reveal too much information.

Mary waited a couple of seconds and asked, "Plus...?"

Catherine had to move closer to listen. This information was incredibly important… It confirmed what she had long suspected. That Steve showed unmistakable signs of PTSD. Panic attacks, scattered thoughts, nightmares. Her attention focused on the conversation again, if she wanted to help Steve, she should have as much data as possible.

Steve seemed not to have heard his sister's question, so she insisted, “Steve? Plus, what?"

After hesitating for a moment, he finally replied, "Plus... if I stay in Hawaii, I put everyone I love at risk..."

Without understanding, she asked, “What are you talking about? Put them at risk?”

He raised the voice a little, frustrated at not getting her to share his point of view, “Yes… Doris's last gift… the damn cipher. They almost killed Danny for that...!” Without realizing it, Steve began to ramble, as if he had suddenly forgotten, that Mary was standing right in front of him, listening. "Danny was in danger so many times because of Doris... the bomb in the building... he almost died that day... and Colombia... Doris... she pulled a few threads to prevent me from being arrested and sent to Colombia along with him, but she didn't save him... he was almost beaten to death in that filthy prison… And this time… That woman kidnapped him…" His eyes found her sister one more time. He blinked a few times and said, as two tears rolled down his cheeks, “She kidnapped him… she tortured him, Mary! She almost killed him, for the damn cipher Doris sent… for the fucking money she thought would make up for everything she did to us. In the end, like the whole thing in Mexico… it was all for money.”

Mary had listened to the speech silently, but in the end, she couldn't hold back anymore and said, "So... when you say you'd put them at risk you really mean Danny..."

Steve tried to deny it, “No… it's not just Danny… I mean, it's mainly him, because he's the closest to me. But eventually, the rest of the team would also be at risk… I mean, Junior was with me in Mexico, when I went to get her out of there… he could also have died. ”

"No, Steve." She pushed a little more, “I don't buy it. Junior is a SEAL, he's trained for missions like that. He knew what he was up to and, from what you told me, he took some backup with him… So, this is about Danny… as you say, about not putting him at risk again… ”

He looked at her for a moment, but didn't say anything, so she said, “Let me ask you a question, Steve. You said you left so you could clear your mind and process everything that happened during the last year, away from the distractions of Hawaii or your work there, you also said that you no longer want to put Danny... sorry, your team, at risk. Have you ever wondered what your leaving is doing to all of them? What this is doing to Danny?”

Confusion reappeared in those chameleonic eyes, Mary said, "Because if you don't know, I'll tell you: The team members... your friends... I don't know them all very well, but the last time I was there, I could see that those guys love the ground you walk on. Surely they're not having a good time without you there... But I do know Danny, Steve, and I can assure you he's devastated.”

Mary could see the exact moment that guilt appeared in her brother's eyes. "No... stop. I'm not telling you this to make you feel guilty. Do you need time to solve all this? Take all the time you need… but, from the bottom of my heart, I hope you haven't said goodbye to Danny forever.”

"I didn't". It was the only phrase that his saturated brain could form.

"Good! ..." she said; When he saw the confusion only grew in Steve's facial expression, she spoke again: "Oh, God! Can this pair of fools be even dumber? You obviously have no idea what you mean to that man, Steve... But let me ask you, he knows you love him? Have you ever told him?"

His voice was even lower when he said: "No... I mean... I tell him all the time, but it has always meant a best friends love... The other, no... I never I told him... not like that."

"Of course you didn't!" She said sarcastically. "Don't you think he has a right to know? Maybe he has the right to decide to come with you, to do… whatever you're trying to do… I mean, do it together?”

"No, Mary. I can't ask him for that... and believe me, even if I had the slightest suspicion that Danny feels the same way as me, I couldn't put that burden on him. He has endured too much already... I can't ask him to leave his family, to leave Charlie, to come with me... wherever this trip takes me... Also, I need to clear my mind, and I suspect that Danny's presence wouldn't help in that department.”

"And why do you think that?" Mary asked, as she finished putting Joan's lunch in the lunch box.

"Because he already takes up most of my thoughts, Mare... and I can't focus on straightening my life, if my feelings for him keep confusing everything."

Catherine put her hands to her mouth, trying to suppress a groan of surprise. She had thought that the closeness and the strange connection that always seemed to flow between Danny and Steve reflected much more powerful feelings than those that normally existed between best friends. But in the end, she always scolded herself, telling herself that she was misinterpreting things. She did it after all those times when Danny had left everything behind, including his children, to go find Steve on the other side of the world... North Korea, Afghanistan, Montana... he had even sent his emissaries to Morocco, before the inability to go himself… she told herself that all those actions were because Danny was the most incredible friend and Steve simply was lucky to have him.

Now it all made more sense. Catherine felt a deep sadness for those two men, who, for whatever reason, had never wanted, or worse, had never been able to admit how they felt about each other.

She thought she had heard enough, so, quickly and quietly, she walked back to Joan's room, just as she heard the sound of chairs against the floor.

* * *

Before leaving the kitchen to fetch her daughter, Mary said, "I have one more question, Steve..." He looked at her fearfully. Until now, he had spilled more of his heart than he had wanted. But he raised his eyebrows in silent question, Mary said, as she pushed on the door, "Why is Catherine here?"

Steve walked over to Mary and replied, "Because she's my friend, Mare... Cole... the guy I told you about. He... he called her and asked for help. Catherine was the one who broke the cipher… I don't know what else he said to her, but she's here to support me… that's all.”

Doubtful, she asked, "Are you sure?"

He replied, the certainty reflected in his words for the first time since he entered the door. "Absolutely".

* * *

It was too early when Danny got out of the cab in front of the Palace that morning. Leaning on his stick, he entered the building and headed for the elevator. He'd barely slept the night before... In the middle of the night, his phone had vibrated with a message from Steve: "miss you 2, buddy! Remember, It's not goodbye forever…"

Ironically, it was the absence of the sound of footsteps in Steve's room that had woken him up after just a couple of hours of sleep.

If Danny believed that going to work would help distract his mind from Steve's overwhelming absence, he should have thought better of it. Just as he walked through the glass doors, his gaze locked on the corner office.

No one was at headquarters yet, so he walked quietly through it and opened Steve's office doors. Sadness, along with reality, hit him hard. The room was empty… The bare walls greeted him. The scale model of the Enterprise no longer graced the shelf behind the desk. The shadow box with the decorations and medals wasn't there, to impress any visitor. The wooden triangle with his father's flag… his Navy insignia, not even the desk set. Not knowing what to expect, he reached over and opened the top drawer, an object slipped inside, breaking the overwhelming silence.


	6. Desperate situations require desperate measures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse before they get better! But don't worry! The light is shining at the end of the tunnel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter shows some of the symptoms of PTSD. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a specialist in the matter either. But I did extensive research at various Military PTSD treatment centers. I also consulted with a psychiatrist. Still, my apologies if you find any inaccuracies about it.  
> Please be careful when reading, if PTSD has any triggers for you.  
> This chapter has some spoilers for 10x07 and for the Pilot episode.

**CHAPTER 6: Desperate situations require desperate measures**

Danny opened the drawer and bowed curiously. He smiled sadly when he saw a dark cylinder rolling and stabilizing inside the drawer after gently touching the edge. Attached to the cylinder there was a small note with Steve's unmistakable handwriting: “A hui hou kākou, Danno”. He picked up the object and slowly read, _“The Balvenie._ _Double Wood. 17 years_ ”. He remembered one afternoon three years ago.

_Finally, the doctor had given green light so they could drink again after the transplant. So Steve had proposed that, for once, they leave the beer for something fancier, something more worthy to celebrate. While they were touring the liquor store, Danny had whistled under his breath when he looked at the prices of some of those bottles. One of them caught his attention... he took it from the shelf and read for a minute or two. Deciding that he couldn't afford it, he carefully returned it to the shelf. It was a dark brown cylinder, containing a bottle of whiskey._

_Steve had smiled and said, “Maybe not now, Danno... But someday, one of these will help us overcome hard times... "_

Danny sighed as his fingers moved gently on the shiny surface, feeling the letters in high relief. When he slightly shook the can, he heard a slight clink inside. Carefully he lifted the cap and took out the bottle, gently placing it on the desk. Then he turned the can until the cold metal chain fell into his hand. He moved his thumb and stroked the surface of the two small steel plates. He didn´t need to read the inscription. He knew what was stamped on them: “McGarrett, Steven J., USN 575001976. O RH NEGATIVE. CATHOLIC.”

"There's no doubt... this is what I would call hard times", he thought as he closed the drawer again. Before he knew, he placed the steel chain around his neck, hiding the plates under his shirt, put the bottle back in the can, and looked at it once more while holding it with veneration. He turned on his heel and quietly left the dark office.

With slow steps, he crossed the bullpen and entered his own office. He put the bottle on the desk and sat down with difficulty in his chair; Opened the laptop and started writing his resignation letter.

* * *

Mary was out to take Joan to school. Steve and Catherine were sitting in front of each other in the living room. His gaze was lost again, as if he couldn't focus on what she was saying at the moment. "... so I was thinking it would be nice if we go there for a couple of days."

When he didn't react, she called him by his name, "Steve?"

He blinked a few times and made a great effort to focus his attention, “Sorry… I was distracted. What were you saying?"

She rolled her eyes and said, “You don't need to apologize every five minutes, Steve… I was saying that maybe you'd like us to go camping for a few days, a former Navy buddy told me about Trail Canyon Falls. He says they're spectacular.”

Steve was surprised by the lack of enthusiasm with which he heard the suggestion. Not long ago, he'd have excitedly agreed to hike the winding trail again, with nothing but his backpack hanging from his shoulders and the air in his lungs. And then, maybe plunge into the pool that received the waters of the impressive 30-foot waterfall. He had been there a few times while training in Coronado and it was truly an impressive and beautiful place.

He nodded apathetically. Cath sounded so excited... or maybe it was just her efforts to cheer him up, he couldn't say. The thing is, he'd go there if that's what she wanted. It was the least he could do to compensate her for being here for him.

His mind drifted again when he felt the phone vibrating in his pants pocket. Distracted, he picked it up and looked at the screen that lit up to show a message from Danny: “A bottle of whiskey, Steven. Really?"

A small smile appeared on his face. Catherine could see how Steve's finger wavered a few millimeters from the screen, as if hesitating to answer. So, she started pushing on him. "Is everything okay?"

Without taking his eyes off the phone, he nodded, saying quietly. "It's just a message from Danny."

She could see that his eyes were wet and his lower lip trembled slightly. "You miss him, don't you?" Without waiting for an answer, she asked, "Why don't you text him back?"

Surprised, he looked up, but didn't answer. He put the phone away and said, "I'll call him later."

"Good. Do what you want!" Catherine said, losing patience for a moment; when Steve looked down, she regretted her outburst, she must remember that Steve was not himself these days. She had mentally gone over all the PTSD symptoms she knew, realizing that, alarmingly, Steve had showed some of them.

She reached out and put her hand on his knee as she said, "I'm sorry!... I know this is difficult for you and I shouldn't..."

He put his hand on hers saying, “No, Cath. I'm sorry!… I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't focus. ”

"Okay!" She said, conciliatory. "So what do you think about that trip?"

He sighed again, “Honestly, I don't know… I don't know what would be good for me. Normally I'd love the idea, but I'm not sure if I would be a good company for you right now… But if you want to go, sure… we can do that. ”

"No, sailor. It's not about what I want. I just want to do something to make you feel better…” She was silent for a moment, re-evaluating the proposal. Maybe it wouldn't be such a great idea after all. Steve seemed so scattered, taking him for a hike on rough terrain might not be good for him right now. His lack of concentration could be dangerous.

* * *

Later Catherine had to leave to meet some old Navy comrades who were based in Coronado and were spending a few days in LA. Steve would stay with Mary the rest of the day.

He tried to focus on enjoying his family, but his memories of what happened in Mexico haunted him all the time and showed up when he least expected. Then, time seemed to freeze... and he didn't just remembered... he could see with vivid realism the moment when Carmen Lucia had stabbed his mother... He could feel the roughness of her skin when she caressed his cheek and told she loved him and she was sorry. That memory was intertwined with another, more painful... His head began to rumble... she hit him with the butt of her gun... and she told him that she could kill him herself if he screwed up her plans. Then he would see her there again... lying in a pool of blood... and then he remembered Junior pulling his vest to pick him up and yelling something he couldn't understand... He just wanted to hold on to her... just one more minute, please!

If he concentrated enough, he could feel the taste of cordite on his tongue, and the smell of gunpowder that permeated his clothes… damn it! He should wash it... Mary wouldn't like Joan to breathe in that smell.

Suddenly, he saw Ethan put his mother in that bag... "No Mom!" ... She couldn't breathe in there! he had to stop Ethan... he quickly got up, at the stunned look of Mary who asked "Steve?"

"She..." he said with his breath caught in his throat. "They can't put her in there, Mare...!"

Mary was getting more scared, “Put who, Steve? What are you talking about?"

She picked up Joan, who was starting to get scared and looked at Steve asking, "Uncle Steve?... Mommy, is Uncle Steve okay?"

The girl's sweet voice brought Steve out of his trance. He blinked a few times and brushed away the moisture that was leaking from his eyes. He wanted to extend his hand to apologize, but the scared look in Mary and Joan's eyes made him freeze in midair.

"I... I'm sorry." He said in a breathy voice ... "I don't know what happened... I'm sorry... I'm sorry!" He looked around as if he had just realized where he was. Then, he looked back at his sister, and said, “I… I shouldn't be here. Sorry Mary…”

He started to walk to the door, but Mary quickly took him by the arm. Steve felt the contact burn him. He tried to pull his arm away, but Joan's frightened look stopped him. He took a few breaths and said, “I'm sorry, Joannie… I'm fine. I just... I should go. I'm sorry... I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to scare you!”

He quickly walked to the door and opened it, sadly he turned his gaze and said, "I'll go now... I'll call you, okay?"

Then he started running toward the street… He didn't hear Mary's screams calling to him.

* * *

Three hours later, Mary was worried. She'd dialed Steve's number countless times, but the calls invariably went to voicemail.

With a deep sense of relief, she heard the front door. She left the kitchen, where Joan was eating a bowl of cereal... she breathed when she saw Catherine enter the door.

Catherine's smile faded when she saw the expression on Mary's face. "Cath ...!" Mary sounded distraught... as if she were a lost little girl in the middle of a shopping center. Catherine frowned and approached carefully, asking, "Mary... what is it? What happened?"

Before starting to speak, Mary took Catherine by the arm and led her into the living room, where Joan couldn't hear them. "It's Steve..." she said, her voice interrupted by sobs.

As she could, Mary told Catherine what had happened. "He seemed lost... as if he didn't know where he was. He was calling Mom… then he said…” Mary tried in vain to understand what was happening with her brother. “He said they couldn't put her in there… what was he talking about, Cath? What the hell is going on?"

Cath put her hand on Mary's shoulder and pressed gently, trying to reassure her. "I'm not sure... I think Steve has PTSD."

Mary looked at her blankly, Cath explained it as best she could, "I'm not sure how it works... There are doctors who specialize in that... But I do know Steve. I've known him for over 15 years and I think he has had it for a while… but it had never been like this before…”

Cath sat up, asking Mary to do the same. Then she kept talking, “I'm not a psychiatrist, but I've seen this happen to other veterans. Steve has been subjected to many extreme situations in his life, Mary. He doesn't talk about it… but I know. ”

"What…? What are you talking about? What happened? Why now?" Questions crowded into Mary's head and they struggled to get out all together. Catherine raised her hand and asked for calm.

"As I said, I'm not sure... He hasn't even told me in detail what happened in Mexico... He just gave me the basic information. But it must have been very difficult to him. He traveled thousands of miles to find her. He spent months hiding in Mexico looking for the opportunity to get Doris out of whatever she was involved in… all of that to finally lose her, Mary. That... that may be too much for anyone. I guess a specialist should confirm it, but I think that has triggered it. ”

"But. Why didn't he ask for help? Why didn't he talk to someone? ”

“I suppose it's complicated. Steve is a highly trained SEAL, I don't have to tell you that. The Navy trains them to believe they are invincible, the same SEAL code says it: Their nation expects them to be physically tougher and mentally stronger than their enemies. Accepting that they have a problem goes against that second nature that is so ingrained in them.”

Cath took a breath and said, "And even if he did, he wouldn't be able to speak to any person... I mean any doctor."

Mary was still confused, “I… I don't understand. You said there are specialists… They should be able to help him. ”

"Yes ... but here's another problem that comes with the elite group that Steve belongs to." Catherine carefully chose the words. She was sure that Mary had no idea of the extent of her brother's military life. Look, Mary. Steve belongs to a select group within the SEALs, the best of the best... that brings with it a life full of highly classified missions. He can't talk about it with someone outside the military... Even inside, there are levels of access to information.”

An idea began to germinate in Cath's brain, but she would have to mature it before explaining her plan to Mary ... or his brother. In the meantime, she should reassure her, and to do that, she needed to find Steve. She picked up her phone and dialed his number. The call went directly to voicemail. Okay... desperate situations required desperate measures. Her thumb went through her contact list and found the one she was looking for. She pressed the call button and waited...

* * *

Writing a decent resignation letter took a few hours and countless drafts. Most of them sounded pathetic… In some he revealed too much information, in others too little to justify his decision. But, he had finally managed one that wasn't too bad.

He had spent last night considering his decision to retire and return to Jersey. That idea was becoming increasingly attractive, reaffirming his resolve. Finally he pressed the print button and stood up to pick up the sheets coming out of the printer.

He took the pen from his desk and signed the document. Then he folded the letter into three parts and put it into a white envelope.

At that moment, the movement from the bullpen caught his attention. Lou, Tani and Junior entered the headquarters, while Adam held the glass doors. Instinctively Danny looked at his watch. It was past noon. The guys must have had a case, or they wouldn't have been so late.

Lou's gaze swept across the empty offices until it landed on Danny's office. He raised his hand in silent greeting.

The captain smiled and walked until, pushing the door, put his head in and greeted, "Hey, Danny!" At that moment, Lou checked his own watch and said, “I'm sorry we're so late, but we had an early case… a body in Waimea Bay.

Danny drew a small smile. The memory of Waimea Bay always made him smile… it didn't matter if they were in the middle of a case, or if they had to pick up the trash from the beach with the kids from Charlie's school. Noticing the change in his expression, Lou asked, "You haven't smiled in days, Danny, but I mention a dead body and you're smiling now?"

Danny shook his head, and replied, "No... It's just... Waimea Bay... brings back good memories.” Danny's mind traveled to that day. The day they first saw Kono coming out of the ocean and hitting the face of the guy who had messed with her wave. And Steve proposing that she join them as an undercover cop. The Steve of back then… he looked so powerful, so confident. That Steve knew exactly what to do and how to do it... Over the years, Danny learned to trust and love that Steve... although he would deny it even if they put him under oath... That Steve was so different from last year's Steve.

True, he was still the Steve who always had the solutions. no matter how far fetched they seemed. But after the dust settled, his partner seemed so lost!

New voices in the bullpen caught their attention. Both men turned just in time to see the governor enter in front of Lincoln Cole. The two looked at each other for a second, before Lou said, “The governor here? What's going on?"

Danny shrugged and said, "I don't know, buddy, but something tells me we're about to find out."

Leaning on the stick, Danny preceded Lou as they left his office and gathered around the smart table.

"Gentlemen, good afternoon." The governor greeted, "As you all know, two days ago, Commander McGarrett was in my office to resign his position as leader of Five-0." Everyone's faces suddenly became serious. She continued speaking, "I'll tell you what I told him: I didn't accept his resignation."

Noticing the puzzled look in the members of the team, the governor explained, “I understand the moment that Commander McGarrett is going through… I understand his need to go away for a while… but I think this is a decision that he shouldn't make so suddenly… especially in the state of mind in he's now." Without giving the others time to reply, she said, “That's why I told him that I would take it as a temporary license. I told him we would evaluate this matter again in three months. And yes, if he still wants to retire, I'll support him.”

She looked Danny in the eye and spoke again, “Commander McGarrett recommended Lieutenant Cole to take his position. I'm not going to hide that this recommendation surprised me, Detective Williams. I always assumed that in Commander McGarrett's absence you would be the one to take the reins of Five-0.”

"But, ma'am..." Danny wanted to start explaining, but she didn't allow it, "Yes ... I know. Steve told me…” She looked away, stopping at the eyes of each of the team members, until finally, her eyes fell on Danny's again. "He told me that he had offered it to you and you rejected it."

Danny nodded silently, avoiding his eyes from meeting the rest of the team. The governor said, "That is why Lt. Cole will take over Five-0 temporarily, until Commander McGarrett ratifies or retracts his decision. At that time we will decide how the task force will continue. Also, There are a few other recommendations that Commander McGarrett made before leaving. Lieutenant Cole will explain each one in detail. Any questions?"

They all shook their heads in silence. Then, one by one, they began to shake Cole's hand, welcoming him. Danny was the first. With stiff movements he approached Cole and held out his hand. "Congrats buddy".

While the others welcomed their new leader, Danny approached the governor and handed her the envelope that was still in his hands. The governor took it with a questioning look, but Danny didn't have time to explain anything, because at that moment his phone rang.

He looked at the screen, it was an unknown number. In a neutral voice, he answered, "Detective Williams."

A familiar voice was heard from the other side… A voice that sent a shiver down his spine. "Danny? It's Catherine”. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "A hui hou kākou" : Until we meet again.


	7. You're the only one who can help me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve needs Danny's help. Even if he doesn't know yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took a while to complete. But finally, I liked it. I hope you share the feeling. Please let me know what you think.

**CHAPTER 7: You’re the only one who can help me**

Puzzled, Danny asked quietly, “Catherine? Like the fearsome beauty... the Lieutenant from the Navy... that Catherine?”

Danny could almost see her rolling her eyes when she replied, "That’s me... Listen Danny. I don't have much time, we have a problem…"

Danny frowned and asked, "We...?"

"I'm afraid so... Listen... I can't find Steve..."

Danny hesitated for a moment, not quite sure if he understood what was happening, "I'm afraid I can't help you, Cath... I don't know where he is."

Catherine cut him off, "No... you don't understand... we are in LA. We came to visit Mary, but he…”

“Wait a minute… We…? Who is we, Cath” Danny didn't understand, "Are you with Steve? ... Why are you with him? He left Oahu… He said he would go alone… he said he needed to do this alone.” Danny couldn't suppress the disappointment that squeezed him inside. Steve had told him that he needed to do this on his own, shutting himself out of any chance that anyone… any of his friends would be there for him. But now, his ex... she was with him? He couldn't get it.

Slowly he looked up and looked at the team members one by one. His eyes stopped for a moment to meet Cole's, who didn't quite understand what was wrong, but looked at him like he was intimidated. A second later Danny finally understood...

"Listen, Danny," he heard Catherine on the other end of the line and refocused his attention on the call when she said, "I know what you're thinking now..." Unbelievable! he told himself, that woman thought she knew what Danny was feeling... she had no idea.

"But, Danny, this is not what you're thinking... I came here to help him, it's just that. I understand what's going on with him... or so I think. I've seen that a thousand times before, with other veterans. That's why I want to help him... Just like last time, in Montana..." She took a breath and said, "Danny, I remember your expression when you saw me there... It was like you thought that somehow he might want something more with me... like he was leaving you behind... but he's not... not then, not now."

Danny didn't know what to answer, it looked like she hit the nail on the head. The memory of that afternoon at Joe's ranch... the wave of nausea he felt right after Steve walked away from their brief hug... she had appeared out the door and Danny felt his world crumble. Exactly the same as he felt like right now.

"That’s easy to say... you're over there with him and I'm here, thousands of miles away, because he made sure of that..." He said, letting the bitterness flood his words and forgetting that the team, Cole and the governor were a few feet away, keeping an eye on the conversation.

"Listen Danny, I can't do this right now. Like I said, we have a problem." Intuiting that Danny was five seconds away from hanging up the phone, she spoke quickly, telling him what happened that afternoon at Mary's house. "... And now he's not picking up his phone. Mary's worried, and frankly, so am I. Steve’s not the same these days... Danny. He’s suffering; I need to find him."

Anger and disappointment quickly gave way to concern, "You mean you really don't know where he is?"

"That's why I called you... I know you have a way to locate his phone's GPS. I need you to find him Danny... I'm afraid!" Catherine's voice sounded trembling, as if she was about to burst into tears.

Danny quickly approached and began typing on the smart table, a minute later a flashing dot appeared on the map. "His phone is on… he’s in El Matador Beach..." he said.

He heard the moment Catherine stood up, as she said. "I must go get him, thank you Danny."

"Hey..." he said sharply, "Do me a favor, will you?"

She didn't need him to say it, she just replied, "I know... I'll call you when I find him." Danny understood... she said when... not if. He heard the click when she finished the call and looked at Cole. "You... did you call her? Why?" he asked.

Cole narrowed his eyes, in an effort to understand... "Yes..." he answered. "Listen, Danny..." Cole wanted to explain, if he knew what he had done wrong, maybe he could. "When we were trying to crack the cipher, I told Steve I knew a Naval Intelligence Lieutenant, the smartest I'd ever met. He asked me if it was Lieutenant Rollins... Steve told me they'd been together for a long time. So, I thought... when it was all over... that she could help him. So yes... I called her."

The governor interrupted the discussion; the white envelope was still in her hands, still unopened. "I think you have business to resolve, gentlemen." She said, handing Danny the envelope with a look of complicity. Danny smiled sadly... she knew what was in that envelope. The governor smiled back at him, "I guess that means I have to give this back to you, Detective Williams... When everything is resolved, if you still want to talk to me, my door is open."

She turned around, and the two bodyguards said goodbye with a nod and followed her. Cole spoke again... he didn't like the feeling he had in his stomach, so he tried to clear things up. "I'm sorry, Danny, but I don't get it. I feel like I must apologize for something I did wrong... But I don't know what. She's important to him, isn't she? I just thought maybe they could resume their story... and that would be good for him." His eyes sought out Lou, who was silent with an inscrutable expression. Tani, Junior and Adam weren't much helpful either. He looked at Danny again, waiting.

The contrition on Cole's face ended up beating Danny, who again sketched out that sad smile. "No..." he said, "I'm the one who should apologize. You see, Steve and Catherine's situation is some… complicated... too much for a second part to be a healthy thing. They've been separated for a while, and let's say… the circumstances that separated them the first time are still there. But... you couldn’t know that. I'm sorry for my reaction." Danny's right hand stretched out to Cole, who shook it silently.

Lou dared to finally speak, "Danny, what's going on?"

Danny sighed and said, “It seems that Catherine's with Steve in Los Angeles. Well... right now she's not exactly with him... Neither she nor Mary knows where he is. That's why I tracked his phone. He's on a beach..." He looked at the screen again. The red dot kept flashing in the same place, he walked to one of the monitors and pointed it out. "That beach... El Matador."

"But ... why?" Tani asked, trying to understand.

"It seems Steve ran out of Mary's house after having a flashback that scared her and Joannie. Catherine didn't give me the details, but it seems like it was something related to Doris and the day she died... The thing is, when he came to himself, he apologized several times, embarrassed that his sister and niece would see him… in those conditions. He said he had to go and ran away. This happened more than three hours ago. He doesn't pick up his phone, so Catherine asked me to find him for her."

Without saying anything else, Danny walked to his office, Grover followed him, and when they walked through the door, he said, "Danny... I think you should call him."

Danny turned around, defiant. "What part of _'he doesn't pick up his phone’_ you didn't understand?" he asked angrily, but his face immediately broke down into an expression of anguish. "Sorry, man..." he said quietly, "I don't know what's wrong with me." He turned around and surrounded the desk to collapse into the chair and hide his head in his hands, while his elbows rested on the polished wooden surface.

"I do know, buddy." Lou sat in the chair in front of him. "Danny, look at me."

Slowly, Danny looked up. Grover could see his eyes injected in blood. "Look..." He said, "I know I shouldn't interfere, but I know you're worried about him. And you're sad. And it's okay, Danny..." he said, as he reached out his right hand on the desk and gently pressed Danny's forearm, "It's okay to worry about him. It's okay to feel sad because he's gone, but, Danny. He’s in pain... I told you once, remember?"

Danny frowned without understanding what Lou meant, so the captain spoke again to explain, "I also told him... I told him that keeping everything inside his head, without processing it... without talking about it... I told him that would end badly... Listen Danny, this is much more than just depression. This is more than mourning his mother's death, or Joe’s… This is more than the fact that everything happened over the last year. This is Steve, who finally reached his limits, after many years of swallowing things... endure losses... Blame himself for those. And I'm not going to say I know what he’s going through, but I can imagine... What he's been through is beyond anything I've ever seen... but I know that if he doesn’t seek help soon, all this won't end well."

Danny bowed his head again, closed his eyes and nodded silently, "Yes... I know. That's exactly my concern."

Lou squeezed Danny's arm a little more, forcing the detective to confront him again, "You can help him, Danny... maybe you're the only one who can." He paused and smiled to convey his trust to his friend, "Call him, Danny... he'll pick up… when he sees it’s you."

Danny put his hand in his pocket and pulled out his phone again, doubtful staring at the screen for a few seconds. Lou got up silently and began to walk towards the door, as he said. "I'm leaving now... to give you privacy... and Danny..."

Danny looked up and focused on the captain, who said, "This is not a time to leave things unsaid; he needs to know Danny. He needs to know he’s important to you..." Lou raised his hand when he realized Danny was about to replicate, "No... you know what I mean... tell him, Danny… call him and tell him."

When Lou came out the office and walked to the bullpen, Danny let the glass door close slowly, before his eyes returned to the screen. He pressed the speed dial and waited... while his eyes looked beyond the windows... Lou, Tani, Junior and Adam had each disappeared in their own office.

After three tones, finally the familiar and loved voice... Danny didn't realize the air was trapped in his lungs until he heard him... "Danno..." slowly he let out the air that, until then, pressed against his chest.

* * *

He didn't realize how far he had come in his crazy run. He just felt his breath catch and sweat soak his t-shirt. He stopped and began to walk slowly, resting his palms on his thighs, rigid with the effort... and closed his eyes.

Tears dripped onto the pavement, as he remembered Mary's terrified look and Joan's cry. He had no right to do that to them. Suddenly, the idea of travel to LA and visit her sister looked like the worst of all ideas... He didn't know what to do... he felt lost.

When his breathing slowed down, he straightened his back and looked around, he needed to know where he was. He was surprised to realize that he had reached Santa Monica Pier. No wonder he felt so tired... he had run more than six miles... In another time, that distance would have been his usual training, but his resistance had decreased these days.

He looked towards the pier and beyond... tourists crowded the beach. He sighed, he wasn’t in the mood for that. So he patted his back pocket to make sure he brought his wallet and raised his hand to stop a cab. After closing the door and settling in the back seat, he indicated to the driver his destination, "El Matador Beach, please."

He bowed his head back, closing his eyes. He liked that beach; he'd been there a couple of times while he was training in Coronado. He had come with Freddie and some friends to visit Aunt Deb once... after a night of beers, they had ended up in that place. Steve had fallen in love with the impressive rocks and caves. Freddie had said bitterly that it was the perfect place to hide if he finally decided to play that damn bell three times to escape Commander White's harassment...

He wiped his damp cheeks again, opened the window, and let the breeze brush his face as he remembered... lately, memories came to him at the strangest moments... He hadn't thought of that conversation, perhaps in more than ten years... now he remembered as it was yesterday. If he closed his eyes, he could hear the silly laugh and he could see with painful clarity, the glassy look in the eyes of a drunk Freddie, while Carl and Evan held him so he didn't fall down the stairs.

Forty minutes later, Steve paid the driver and got out of the cab in the parking lot of El Matador Beach. He started to go down to the beach. The rugged terrain, along with the absence of lifeguards made this place not so visited by tourists, despite its stunning beauty.

When he reached the top of the stairs, he stopped for a few minutes, letting his sight be lost on the amazing horizon and sunset. The landscape had not changed at all... the civilization that destroyed everything, had not come to this place. The rocks and beaches... the caves. Everything was beautiful and virgin. He took a deep breath in the breeze... It reminded him his home, but, at the same time, it was so different from Hawaii. The air didn't smell the same, and Danny wasn't here.

A strange and brief sense of peace settled in his heart as he thought of his partner. As always, Danny had the power to anchor him, even though they were so far from each other. He began to slowly descend the stairs until he finally reached the beach.

He sat in the sand and untied the laces of his sneakers. He was grateful for the happy coincidence of having decided that morning at the hotel, to leave his usual boots for one day.

The breeze stroked his tired feet, before they sank into the sand. No matter where he was in the world, the contact of his feet with the still-hot sand used to comfort him. He got up and moved his toes, which slowly buried deeper, enjoying the rough texture. Then, he began to walk towards the great rock.

The waves intermittently licked his feet and ankles as he approached his destination, the wet sand reflected the clouds of the reddish sunset sky... he stopped to look at the changing colors... The great rock was over its reflection in the water, while the sun slowly hid on the horizon...

His gaze ran through the beach dotted with rocks, some larger than others... sharper ones that seemed to penetrate the sky to look for something that was impossible to reach... That uneven landscape seemed like a perfect metaphor of his soul at the time: Tall and rugged cliffs... scrambled waters that, incessantly, writhed and hit the invincible rocks, and in turn gently kissed the surrounding sand. And the sun... that sun that disappeared to plunge the world into the most frightening darkness.

His phone rang to abruptly pull him out of his thoughts. It had been ringing incessantly since he left Mary's house... He looked at the screen… Mary again. He felt weak and without enough courage to face her. After all, what could he tell her, after what she had seen and heard? He wasn't good for her at the time. His mind was in that awful, dark place... He pressed the red button again and ignored the call.

He let the time pass while watching the sunset. His phone finally stopped ringing for a while, so he breathed with relief. Perhaps Mary had given up on him. It was better that way.

With his phone still in his hands, he sat in the sand, rolled up the edge of his pants and let the water wet his feet. What was going on with him? That question had mercilessly harassed him in recent months. He was depressed... flashbacks were becoming more frequent, as were panic attacks and anxiety. He knew that, finally, he should admit what he already knew... but it was something he had refused to openly acknowledge... he couldn't... he couldn't be so weak... he had always been proud of his strength and now, that strength had abandoned him too.

After an indefinable time, his phone rang again. He looked at the screen, Catherine... surely, she had come to the house and Mary told her what happened. Maybe she was calling to scold him for scaring them. Anger rose again: He was not a child and he didn't need a nanny! Cath should know better, she should know him... then, why didn't she give him the space he was asking for? Guilt followed anger soon after, leaving him exhausted. He knew Cath should be worried, but she didn’t want to think about. It was just easier to get mad at her and blame her... That unstable mood was also becoming more frequent... he wasn't like that. He wondered again, for the umpteenth time, when all this would end and when would he go back to normal. Fear tied his throat when he thought that, perhaps, that would never happen. Maybe he would never get in control again.

A while later, his phone rang again... but this time the ringtone was different... He knew that ringtone very well... Incredulous he looked at the screen, as he felt his heart pounding in his ribs... Danny's smiling face looked at him without reproach, without judgment.

Without hesitation, his thumb pressed the green button and he took the phone to his ear as he said hoarsely for crying and thirst, "Danno..."


	8. Where the sky meets the sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve finally asks for help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was especially difficult. Remember that I'm not a doctor and that, despite all the research, there may be some inaccuracies when it comes to medical information. Please excuse me if you find any. Thank you for reading and let me know what you think.

**Chapter 8: Where the sky meets the sea.**

"Hey!" Danny greeted him, his voice sounding wavering... as if all the energy he had accumulated had deflated when he heard Steve's defeated tone. He tried to probe the situation and asked, "How are you, man?" He waited a second or two... No answer, just the sound of Steve's breathing and, in the distance, the waves.

Finally, he heard a sigh while Steve answered... "I don't know..."

* * *

Steve bent his knees and his right arm surrounded them, while his left hand kept holding the phone by his ear. His heart sped up as he heard the voice he needed most. He felt ashamed of his weakness, he knew Danny was aware of what had happened, surely Mary or Catherine had called him.

Perhaps he could fool himself thinking that all he needed was some time to clear his mind, and he would be in control again. But he couldn't lie to Danny. Not him...

"I think I'm losing it, Danno..." he said, as new tears glided down his cheeks.

Danny waited for a moment... then he pleaded. "Talk to me, Steve!... I'm worried, Cath called me. I need to know you're okay, Steven, or I swear to God, I'm going to take a plane right now... just talk to me. Please, tell me what’s going on?"

"This afternoon... Mary and Joan... Everything was so surreal, Danny!... Doris was there, and she... she died over and over again. I could feel her warm blood on my hands and smell the gunpowder, and everything came back... This is getting worse, Danny. It was supposed to get better, but it's getting worse."

Steve leaned his head forward, until his forehead rested on his knees. The position cut him off from the rest of the world, as if he were suddenly inside a bubble... just him and Danny's voice. Nothing else.

"Listen to me Steve... you can't expect things magically improve from one moment to the next. You've been gone just over 24 hours. You must take some time, buddy. You haven't even decided what you're gonna do or where you're going. This won’t be resolved like this..."

"Yeah, I know. But it's never been like this before. I've lost people... so many that I lost count, and it never was like this. I could always get over it and go on, but this time I just can't. Those memories are burning in my head and I feel it's going to explode… there's blood... so much blood soaking my hands, Danny. Doris' blood, Joe's, Freddie's... that of so many friends and team members I served with... And yours... God, Danny… your blood is there too! There's so much blood on my hands!"

Steve could hear the change in Danny's voice, "Listen to me, Steve, I need you to do something for me... breathe, will you? Just as you taught me, slowly take the air into your lungs and hold it for three seconds, then exhale for another three seconds. Several times, Steve... I need you to calm down, buddy, so we can talk. Can you do that?"

Steve began breathing, feeling as the air penetrated and swelled his chest, expanding his lungs. He exhaled slowly, emptying them completely. Again... three, four, five times. Gradually his heart rate slowed down and the pangs on his head decreased.

He knew Danny had noticed the change because his tone of voice changed too. It was more leisurely, lower, and infinitely sweeter. "Are you better now? Can we talk?"

"Uh-Huh!" Steve answered with a groan. He could have escaped Mary, he could refuse to answer Catherine's calls, but there was nothing... absolutely nothing that he denied this man. Resigned, he sighed and said, "This all reminds me of Graham Wilson... do you remember him?"

A pause… it seemed that Danny was digging into the depths of his memory, Steve said, "It's that SEAL, the poor guy who was charged with the murder of his wife. The one who took hostages in the Missouri."

“Oh, yeah!" Danny seemed to hesitate, but Steve kept talking, "When I tried to help him, I felt so sorry for him, Danno. He looked lost and he was suffering... and I knew what was wrong with him. It's the same thing that's happening to me now. It's like I have nowhere to go... It never happened to me before, and I'd convinced myself it would never happen to me, but now you see. No Super SEAL, no Superman or anything... I'm just a poor, pathetic guy who's going crazy because I’m not able to get over my losses and my fears... I don't know how to be that guy, Danny!"

"Steve... Listen to me. Believe me when I tell you're neither poor nor pathetic... You've being through a lot more than most people in their whole life... even the military guys. I know this isn't a consolation and that nothing I can tell you can help you get through all this crap, if you don't get in your head that it's not your fault. Tell me, Steve... I want to hear you say that this is not your fault."

"It’s not Danno... But that doesn't help. How do I solve this if I can't understand whose fault it is? Why the hell did life hit me like this, Danny?"

"I can't answer that, pal. I wish I could, but I can't. All I can do is try to help you if you'll let me. Will you?"

Steve sighed again. Danny was right, he had to start somewhere... accepting that everything that happened to him was not his fault seemed like a good place to start. "Yes... Danno. Anyway, I don't think I can do this without you." He confessed in a barely audible voice.

He heard a sigh on the line, was it relief? Steve wasn't sure, he just heard Danny ask, "What do you need, Steve? Just give me a word... Tell me what you need and I’ll do it."

"That's the problem, Danny. I don’t have a damn idea of what I need... But you've always known. You're the only one who seems to know. It’s just like if, at a glance, you undressed my soul and discovered what no one has known before... So, tell me, Danny. What do I need to do to solve this before I go completely crazy?"

Danny cleared his throat, "All right... I'll tell you what we're going to do, okay? First of all, I think you need to get off that beach, because if my calculations are correct, it's late and you must be cold. Am I wrong?"

Steve let out a sarcastic laugh, "How the hell do you do that, Danno? You're thousands of miles away and you can guess I'm freezing here!... I don't know how you do that."

"I know you, Super SEAL" intentionally, Danny's voice highlighted the nickname, "That's my superpower, remember?" Danny made another little pause; Steve could hear the gears of his brain work. "Okay, here's the plan: I have the impression that your fearsome Ramboette must be there very soon. Don’t be stubborn, please go with her, do what she asks and don't argue, okay? You'll go to Mary's place, or your hotel, or wherever you're staying and take a hot shower. Then you'll sleep for a few hours, okay?"

Steve sighed frustrated, he had to gather forces to articulate the words, "Define sleep for me, will you? It's been so long since I slept a full night that I almost forgot... how am I supposed to do that if, as soon as I go to bed, my head starts spinning again?"

"We'll figure it out... for now, I'll stay on the line with you until Cath arrives... small steps, remember?"

"Okay!" not very convinced, Steve accepted the plan. Not that he had an alternative to offer, so, eager to change the subject, he asked, "So did you like my gift?"

If he closed his eyes, he could imagine Danny smiling. Steve loved that smile, thousands of times he had evoked it in his mind to overcome a difficult time. It was easy for him to see it now. That 1000-watt smile that lit up everything within two miles. He couldn't stop a soft laugh coming out from his chest as he heard his friend say, "A bottle of whiskey... only you would think about it..."

"No, Danno... The bottle is for both of us. We'll drink together when this is all over. I told you it would help us to overcome hard times, remember? And this qualifies, don't you think? But that's not the gift I meant..."

"I know." Danny said. "I liked your gift so much that I'm wearing it, Steven. Right here, right now, it's on my chest."

Steve smiled. He knew Danny would understand the meaning locked in his dog tags. "I know it's not much, Danny. But it was my way of telling you that I'll be back... that's why I gave them to you, because they're a part of me that is now with you..." the words piled up in his throat, refusing to go out, _"like the rest of me,"_ he thought, but instead he said, "So I have to go back to get them back..." again, he left the phrase unfinished, but the thought was formed, _"to get **you** back!"_

Danny cleared his throat again, "I'll take care of them for you, buddy... I promise, and I'll have them ready to put them around your neck when we drink that expensive bottle of whiskey you gave me."

Steve smiled again and said, "It's a date..."

They spent the next fifteen minutes talking about random things, intended only to distract his mind from the main problem, only to spend the time. They talked about Eddie, Grace and Charlie, Steve asked him to say hello to Lou and the team for him.

* * *

After calling Danny, Catherine stared at her phone, as if she were drawing up a quick plan to help Steve. "Danny found him... he’s on a beach… El Matador... about 35 miles from here," she said to reassure Mary, whose hands rubbed against each other in a typical gesture of anxiety. The news had the desired effect, immediately, Mary let out a sigh of relief.

"What are we gonna do Cath?" Steve's sister looked helpless. The enormous weight of the commitment she was assuming settled on Catherine's stomach. She had to help Steve... not only for him, but also for his family and for Danny, who had probably stayed in Oahu going crazy with worry.

"I'll go get him now, " she answered, as she searched among the contacts on his phone, "I just need to make a call first." When she found the name she was looking for, she pressed the call button. A male voice answered, "Dr. Connors."

“Hey, Ken. It’s Catherine… Catherine Rollins.”

"Hello, Lieutenant... It's nice to hear you after all this time! The man's tone of voice denoted an old friendship.

"I need a favor... I know the favors are piling up and I’ll owe you a dinner at the Urasawa when this is all over." Catherine smiled in response to a comment from her friend and then made her request, "Listen... I'm in town right now, I came with a friend. He's a veteran… Ken, he's showing alarming signs of PTSD and this afternoon he went into a crisis... Of course, I'm not an expert on the subject, so I need you to see him; The guy hasn't slept in weeks, more than a couple hours every night, he barely eats… flashbacks and panic attacks are getting more frequent... he's collapsing, Ken!"

"It sounds serious..." Connors replied. "I'll tell you what we’re gonna do, why don’t you text me the address of where you're staying and I'll see you there? Is that okay with you?"

"It's great, Ken... It's just, first I need to find him... he had a flashback and ran away. We've already traced his phone number and he's in El Matador Beach... So, it's going to take me at least two hours to get to the hotel. Can I see you then?"

Without hesitation, Collins replied, "I'll see you there in two hours."

"All right, Doc... Thank you. You don't know what it means to me... it adds one more debt to my account. Dinner at the Urasawa... I'll make the reservations, okay?"

She smiled at the gallant response, "Mmmm. An elegant dinner, in a top place, with a beautiful woman... It seems to me that in the end I will owe you... Anyway, seeing you will be good enough."

Catherine touched the screen to end the call, while she took the car keys from the coffee table and stood up. "I'll go get him, Mary" she reached out and pulled Steve’s sister for a hug, "Try not to worry... We’re gonna help him."

"Thank you, Cath..." Mary's whisper was barely audible, "Will you come back here?"

As Catherine walked to the door, she shook her head and replied, "I don't think so... Steve wouldn't want to...he must be ashamed and, right now, it will be very difficult for him to face you. Let me see how we figure this out and I'll keep you posted, okay? What matters now is getting the help he needs." She went out and walked with determined step to the car. She got in and, after closing the door, programmed the car's GPS and headed for the freeway, while an impotent Mary looked at her from the door with tears-filled eyes.

Fifty minutes later, she got out of the car in the parking lot and ran off to the beach. It was starting to get dark and she wanted to find Steve as soon as possible... everything would be harder if the darkness surrounded them completely.

As soon as she reached the top of the stairs, her gaze swept across the beach. A couple of seconds later she spotted his silhouette against the horizon which, at that moment was dark purple. The first stars had appeared and a waning moon, barely visible, cast a faint light. Steve was sitting in the sand with his knees bent and his head resting on them. She flew down the steps and ran over the sand quickly, stumbling upon the pebbles and dodging the larger rocks. She didn't want to scream so she wouldn't scare him. When she was four or five feet from the hunched figure, she stopped running and began to walk slowly, cautiously. She knew that, under certain circumstances, surprising a SEAL wasn't a good idea.

Steve seemed to notice her presence, because at that moment he turned his head and looked at her. She was closer now. She could see his red eyes and wet cheeks to the dim light of the phone screen pressing against his ear. He heard him talk, "It's Cath, Danny... she's here."

* * *

Steve was engrossed, hearing Danny talk about Grace's first semester in college... did that little girl really grow up that much? He remembered her at that football game, with that ridiculous foam hand, begging Danny to buy her some nachos. Tears soaked his cheeks... damn sensitivity! He hated being weak.

He heard some gasps approaching him. He knew he had to be alert, but he couldn't care less at the moment. Danny's voice was like a balm in his heart, so he raised his head and turned slowly to look at someone approaching. 

The movements were familiar, when she was at some distance he recognized her. "It's Cath, Danny..." said, interrupting his friend’s talk, "She's here..."

"That's good!" Danny said, "let me talk to her, please, will you? I'll talk to you later, okay?"

Without saying anything, Steve got up slowly, his muscles numb from the position he had been in for a long time. With an embarrassed look, he handed the phone to Catherine.

"Hey! ..." she said. Steve listened to her talk to Danny, not paying attention to what she was saying, as he walked towards the water and let his feet get wet.

A minute or two later, he felt her presence by his side. She put the phone in his hands. He looked down to realize that the call was over, he looked at the duration and smiled sadly; He and Danny had spoken for more than thirty-five minutes. Sighing, he put the phone back in his pocket and, with his gaze fixed again on the dark line, barely visible, where the sky meets the sea, he said, "I’m so sorry, Cath!..."

She reached out and shook his hand tightly. "It’s all right, sailor. Just don't scare me like that again and we'll be fine, okay?" He nodded silently and she said, "Okay. We need to get you out of here. You're cold... so, let's go."

She began to walk back to the car, gently pulling his hand. Steve walked with her, letting himself be guided. Danny had asked him not to argue and to do whatever she asked him to do... he planned to follow his instructions to the letter.

He settled in the passenger seat and, tilting his head back, closed his eyes. Catherine turned on the engine and drove silently back to the hotel.

He didn't realize how long it had been, he tried in vain to make a calculation when he heard the unmistakable sound of the car entering a parking building. The engine of the car resounded and through its eyelids, a white halogen light was filtering. When he opened his eyes, he had to blink several times to get used to the illuminated environment. Catherine chose a place to park near the stairs leading to the lobby.

When she turned off the engine, she turned to look at him. He gave her back a sad, empty look. "Listen, Steve..." she began to explain. "You need to sleep... rest." He nodded silently, so she kept talking, "That's why I asked for help..." He straightened quickly, but she put her hand on his shoulder and pressed gently. "He’s a navy doctor, I met him when I was in Amsterdam. He specializes in PTSD."

Steve began to deny with his head, but she said, "Listen... I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want, Steve... But you need to sleep. The longer it goes by without you having a good rest, the harder it’ll be for you to see the problem clearly and the harder it’ll be for you to start making decisions about how to fix it... You don't have to tell him anything if you don't want to, just, please, listen to what he has to tell, will you?"

Steve sighed and turned his head until his gaze focused on the window glass and the car parked next to theirs. He had promised Danny that he wouldn’t argue and, although he wouldn’t accept it aloud, he agreed at one point: He needed to sleep, so arguing with her would only delay the moment when he could finally rest his head on a pillow and close his eyes. "Fine" he said hoarsely and got out of the car to walk like an automaton towards the stairs.

Catherine walked quickly to catch up with him, after climbing the stairs, Steve opened the door and stepped out into the spacious lobby. There were a few tables scattered here and there, surrounded by overstuffed armchairs. Some guys he guessed were hotel guests, were sitting there. At the front desk, two girls were talking animatedly with a receptionist who answered their questions with a forced smile.

They walked a few steps, heading to the elevators, when a man got up from one of the armchairs and approached them smiling.

"Hey... Lieutenant!" He said, "It's been a while..." Steve saw Catherine hug the guy and turn to him. "Steve, this is Captain Ken Connors, Navy physician... Ken, this is Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett... an old friend."

A look of recognition crossed Connors' eyes, as he affectionately shaked Steve's hand, "McGarrett? You're that Navy SEAL that led some dangerous missions in Iraq and Afghanistan?" Without changing the inscrutable expression of his face, Steve nodded silently.

"Good!... I've heard of you. I have to say, Commander..." He said as he sat back in one of those comfortable armchairs and pointed the other two, to ask Steve and Catherine to sit with him, as he chatted animatedly, "The higher commands are not in agreement when it comes to you. Some say that you are a legend and others that, in addition to that, you're a real headache."

Catherine smiled and Steve just shrugged as they both sat down. He took a defensive posture; Although he leaned against the back of the chair, his fists were clenched and his jaw was tight. Connors leaned forward and looked him in the eye, letting him see an honest and friendly demeanor. "Listen, Commander... I'm here to help in any way I can... but you don't have to talk to me if you don't want to... you just have to tell me what you need." The honesty in his voice reassured Steve, who at last began to relax. "Steve..." he whispered.

"Excuse me?" Connors had to get a little closer to hear him. Steve repeated, raising his voice a little, "Please call me Steve... Sir."

"Fine!" Connors replied, "In that case, you can call me Ken, and we put the ranks aside, that makes you feel comfortable?" Steve nodded silently and drew a slight smile.

"I need you to tell me how I can help you; Would you rather do this here, or maybe somewhere else. We can have a drink if you want..." Connors pointed out the lobby that, despite being uncrowded, it was still somewhat noisy.

Steve shrugged, while Catherine suggested, "Maybe we can eat something, sailor... you haven't eaten anything since breakfast." Halfheartedly Steve nodded and stood up to follow Catherine and Connors to the restaurant as they briefly catch up.

Ten minutes later, the waitress put a plate in front of him. The clubhouse sandwich looked good and smelled even better, reminding him that he was starving. He took a piece in his trembling hand and slowly took a bite.

"All right, Steve. What do you need?" Connors said after Steve had crushed half a sandwich.

"Honestly, I don't know..." Steve replied after drinking half a glass of water in one gulp. "But I do know that I need help..."

Catherine's burger stopped halfway to her mouth, when she heard Steve confess that he needed help. Without saying anything, she recovered from the surprise and tried to act naturally, biting her food and chewing silently.

Connors drank a sip of his soda and, leaving the glass on the table, said, "Well... that's always the first step. But before I recommend any kind of help, I need to know what's going on..."

"This past year..." Steve hesitated a little when he started to speak. His training appeared quickly. He had learned to reveal little or nothing about himself and his missions, so he explained without giving much detail, "A lot has happened that... has pushed me to the limit. You said you knew something about my missions in Iraq and Afghanistan... You´re right. I was deployed there for a few years, I participated in many dangerous missions... I lost many men throughout my career... I mean, it was never easy, but I was trained to endure it and I did it without problems. I even lost my father ten years ago... He was murdered because my job... It was difficult, but... I mean, I learned to cope. I did my job and caught the killer... And I kept going."

Connors had stopped eating, took his glass again, but he didn't drink. He just kept it there, in the air, while waiting for Steve to keep talking, which he did after clearing his throat, "But recently, I lost two very important people to me... my old CO... he was like my father, and a bunch of bastards killed him as revenge for one of our missions... They killed them all... I was the last man standing...”

Catherine could see Steve's lower lip shaking, but the man refused to be defeated again by tears, swallowed with difficulty, he said. "And a few months later, my mother...” he paused one more time, not to reveal details of Doris's work, "... she was murdered. That has brought out a lot of things that I thought were buried. I have vivid memories... Nightmares won't let me sleep, I have panic attacks and anxiety... I 'm... I'm exhausted."

Connors closed his eyes for a second or two, then reopened them and stared at Steve as he said, "I'm sorry... really. But..." he took a sip and continued, "I know that's terrible, but that’s not all... there's something else, right?"

Steve nodded, as he said, "Until two days ago, I was the leader of the Five-0 task force in Hawaii..." He noticed the look of recognition in Connors' eyes and kept saying, "They, my team, are like my family. They’ve been in danger countless times because of me. I can't do that to them anymore."

"Sorry..." Connors put his glass on the table again and looked at Steve, "Because of you? I don't understand... As I heard, it's a highly-prestige law enforcement unit. Its members are qualified police officers and, as far as they say, very efficient. They know what they're up against as part of an elite police group... why do you say it's your fault?"

"No ... you don't understand," Steve replied, shaking his head insistently from side to side, "it's not just work... we can handle that; we've done for ten years and, as you said, we've done it pretty good. It's the other thing... my missions, my military life... my mother's work... everything has put them at greater risk than they would face as a result of police work... Last week, my partner... my best friend, he was kidnapped and almost killed... I don't know how many times he's been in danger because of his bond with me... I can't risk him again… not anymore. "

Intuiting that Steve wasn't showing all his cards, but acknowledging that the ones he saw were quite disturbing, Connors said, "Let me ask you a question, Steve." He waited for an answer that didn't come, so he took it as a yes and kept talking, "All memories... panic attacks... flashbacks, are they just about what happened in the last year?"

"No... sometimes they go further... some are about missions that went sideways and that, they ended up with some of my men... men that were under my command… they were my responsibility and they died... And some times, most of them..."

Connors noticed Steve was hesitating again, so he encouraged him to follow, "Yes...?"

Steve looked at Catherine for a moment and seemed to take courage to say, "Most of the time I see scenarios that didn't happen yet... what scares me the most is the possibility of them happening if..." he took his glass and drank the rest of the water before speaking again, "I mean... the possibility of it happening if I stayed in Hawaii... that's why I left."

"What kind of scenarios?"

"Those in which Danny... I mean, my team... they’re in mortal danger again, as a result of my military past or my work." If Connors understood the real implications of that sentence, he wouldn't let him see it. He simply said, "Okay... I think, the first step is that you have a good rest that allows you to have a better perspective... I can see you're almost fainting on the table. You're hard to concentrate because you're literally exhausted. Lack of sleep can make everything worse, you know that, right?"

Connors took his jacket that, until that moment, hung from the back of the chair and pulled a small block out of its inner pocket. "I'll tell you what we're going to do, okay? I'm going to prescribe something to help you sleep... something that will allow you to rest without all those dreams. How does that sound?" When he noticed Steve frowning, he raised his hand. "Yes, I know... I've treated enough veterans to get used to their reluctance to take medication, but Steve, I need you to trust me with this... You need it. It'll be a small dose, I promise. Enough for you to regain your strength." He wrote a few lines in the prescription and, after signing it, separated it from the block and handed it over to Catherine, who looked at Steve, as if awaiting his approval.

Danny's words came back to his mind... he promised and he wouldn't let him down. Plus, if he was honest, the idea of sleeping without dreaming sounded incredibly attractive at that moment, so he nodded in silence. Catherine pushed her chair back and got up to get out of the restaurant.

As they waited for her to return, the two men ended their dinner almost silently. Connors understood that Steve was just beginning to sort out his thoughts after such a messy day, so he let the guy do that. He hardly made a comment or two about the weather or the food.

Ten minutes later, Catherine walked towards them with a plastic bag in her hand that contained a bottle of pills. He stopped on the way to talk to a passing waiter, and a minute later he sat next to Steve, after putting her hand on his shoulder and pressing gently. She took the bottle out of the bag and opened it, dropping two small pills into Steve's hand. Obediently, he put them in his mouth and swallowed them with a little water. After a moment, the waiter appeared with the check.

They said goodbye in the lobby. When Connors shook Steve’s hand, he simply looked down and whispered, "Thank you..."

"You don't need to say thank you, Steve... Thank you for your service." Connors said, but he didn't let go of Steve's hand until the man looked up and his eyes met, " You'll be fine, Steve. You can be sure that you can heal and everything will be okay... You don't need to live tormented... There are people who can help you with this." Seeing that he was going to replicate, Connors interrupted him to reassure him, "I'm going to give Catherine all the information, there's a US Department of Veteran Affairs clinic specialized in PTSD in Hackensack. They’re the best in the country. The director is a former colleague of mine, Dr. Robbins. He’s a high-ranking specialist with level 5 security clearance, so the secret is safe. You can trust him, he’s the best... Go see him, Steve, will you?"

Steve couldn't help but smile as he nodded and thanked him again... Despite his almost catatonic condition, the irony was not lost on him... After all, Danny would be happy... Despite all his previous reluctance, Steve would go to New Jersey. 


	9. I'm scared, Danno!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The title says it all!

**CHAPTER 9: I’m scared, Danno…!**

Slowly, his brain began to immerse itself in that feeling that increased with the help of hot shower water, which relaxed his sore muscles as it washed out the foam from his skin and pushed it into the drain. That cottony feeling wrapped him inexorably; for one second, he appreciated his own inability to think, he could fall asleep standing in the shower, but maybe, that wouldn’t have a happy ending.

His right hand reached the tap and turned it off; opened the glass door and took a towel. The soft, fluffy fabric stroked his skin. A minute later, he left the bathroom, letting the cloud of steam escape into the room. He wore only a pair of shorts and his bare feet enjoyed the freshness of the white tile floor. Catherine was standing on the doorstep that connected to both rooms; he gave her a sad, silent smile as he threw himself on the bed face down with his eyes closed and hugged one of the pillows.

He opened his eyes halfway to see her enter the room and leave a bottle of cold water on the bedside table. "I'll be in my room," she said almost in a whisper, "I'll leave the door open so I can hear you if you need anything, okay?" Steve muttered his response to the pillow, "Uh-Huh... Sleep well, Cath."

Steve let the weight on his eyelids beat him and shut them again. He could hear the cautious footsteps around the room as she approached the window and closed the curtains. A second or two later, he felt a soft, sweet kiss on his temple. Then she stroked his damp hair and whispered, "Go to sleep, sailor... You need it. I'll see you in the morning." He didn't answer anymore.

* * *

Catherine stood by Steve's bedside. She couldn't help the slight stab of nostalgia as her eyes stared at him, stopping at the muscles of his shoulders, where two lone drops slipped after dripping from his hair, as if they were exploring the colorful tattoos. His back was contracted, and she wished she could ease the pain... But she couldn't... she wasn't sure she ever could. She loved this man... of that she had no doubt. She also knew that things between them were better now that they were good friends again, without all the complications that romance and sex brought.

It was good what they had; certainly, the best she had ever had. But also, the worst... because they could never combine their relationship with their goals for their respective careers. Ken's words resounded in her head, _"... The higher commands are not in agreement when it comes to you. Some say that you are a legend and others that, in addition to that, you're a real headache."_

She smiled again, it wasn't the first time anyone said Steve was a legend, either because of his military career or his achievements with Five-0... and there was always that tone of admiration, of respect that bordered on veneration. He had always had his goals clear. He knew what he had to do and was willing to do whatever it took to get it. That made him rise through the ranks quickly in the Navy. She would have given everything to be needed the way Steve was, so she had turned to her work at the CIA with everything she had, sacrificing everything to get it.

She had told Steve on that airstrip in Morocco, as the plane's engine roared desperately to lift the flight, that everything had been worth it. He asked her if she was happy... she had said yes. And somehow, she was.

Not that she didn't want a romantic relationship with someone, she does… but that someone wasn't Steve, maybe he never was. She needed someone who desperately needed her... Steve wasn't that person. He loved her, but he didn't need her and he wasn’t in love with her. She wasn’t surprised when she thought that maybe he had never needed anyone... life had hardened him, teaching him from a very young age, that he had to fend for himself; for Steve, needing someone meant that, sooner or later, he'd lose that someone. Until he met Danny...

Walking to her room, she walked to the small balcony and opened the glass door to let in the breeze, as she went out and leaned on the iron railing. She remembered Steve and Mary's conversation that morning... that conversation had been the closest Steve had come to admit what Danny meant to him. Once again, she mentally beat herself; how could she not have noticed before? Of all the people who had been part of Steve's life and whom she knew over the years, none of them were like Danny. The small, noisy detective embedded in every detail of Steve's life, (even though Danny would swear it was the other way). He challenged him, scolded him, defended him tooth and nail, argued with him every minute of every hour they spent together… but Danny was his best friend and confidant and shared his children with him, giving him the closest thing to a life and a family.

She had told Mary that they should focus on getting for her brother the help he needed. Now she thought Danny was an essential piece of everything this man needed. When she got Cole's call, telling her that Steve needed her, she desperately wanted to be that fundamental piece, and for a moment she thought she was… One more time, she was wrong.

Now she was convinced that, even though her bond with Steve was solid and permanent, there was nothing she could do that matched what Danny would do for Steve. Steve needed Danny, as he needed the air... even if he hadn't quite realized it yet. On the other hand, Danny also had his luggage, she knew it. Without revealing too many details, Steve had told Catherine a few things about the blows Danny had received over the years. She didn’t understand how these two men were unable to see that together they were infinitely more powerful, so she decided it was time to give up the post and push things a bit.

She was thinking about it while her mind was drawing up an action plan and her eyes were lost in the flickering city lights, until her phone vibrated with a text message: "Hi Lieutenant, I spoke to Dr. Robbins, he's willing to see Steve when you decide, I'll send you his contact details. I look forward to that pending dinner."

She smiled and her thumbs danced on the screen as she typed her answer, "Thank you, Ken, I owe you a big one."

Twenty seconds later, another text message with the promised information: "Samuel Robbins, M.D. 385 Prospect Ave, Hackensack, NJ 07601. 201-333-0002."

She took a deep breath several times... now it was time to do what she had to do. Her thumb slid down his contact list and found Danny's number.

* * *

Danny was about to make a ditch on the floor of his living room. Charlie's funny look followed him for moments, alternating the spectacle of watching his father go back and forth like a lion caged with the bulging-eyed, pointed-nosed cartoons he was trying to see on the tv.

Finally, the kid seemed a little dizzy and asked, "What's up, Danno?"

Danny looked at him without reacting for a couple of seconds, then he blinked and with great difficulty, sat on the carpet next to the plate containing traces of milk chocolate cereal. "It's okay, buddy. Everything is fine! What are we watching, huh?" He turned his head to look without seeing the bright screen, as he passed his arm over his son's shoulders and threw him cautiously over his lap to tickle him.

They played for a while, until his phone rang, and he pulled it out. His heart sped up when he saw the number. "Catherine..." he answered in a low voice, as he put Charlie back on the carpet and got up to walk down around the living room. He stepped out onto the lanai and carefully closed the glass doors. He needed to know what was going on with Steve, but he didn't want his son to notice his concern. "What's going on... how's my boy...?"

She didn't let him finish, "He's okay, Danny."

Danny let out a long sigh of relief; Now the questions overwhelmed his brain, "What happened? Did he speak to that doctor friend of yours? How did it go?"

She cleared her throat and said, "Yes... He did. And it went well. Better than well, actually. He did it, Danny. He asked for help! Ken... Dr. Connors, has experience working with post-traumatic stress in veterans. They talked for a while and Ken realized Steve hadn't slept in days, so he prescribed some pills to help him. Now he's sound asleep, Danny. Finally!"

The relief grew on Danny's chest, as he answered, "Wow! Are you saying this doctor did make him talk, admit that he needed help and agree to take those pills? Then that friend of yours must really be someone exceptional."

She let out a nervous laugh, "Yes... I think he is. But I don't think Steve did all that thanks to Ken... at least, not just because of him."

The insinuation was not lost in Danny, so he asked, "I don't understand... what are you talking about?"

She gathered patience, and spoke as if she were talking to a child, "Listen Danny... He did that because of you… Look, we both know Steve... we know he can be quite stubborn. He's been avoiding my calls and Mary's all afternoon..." She paused, she didn't want to have a conflict with Danny, but she wanted the guy to see her point, "But you call him and he takes your call... We were together on a flight of more than six hours and I couldn't get him to say more than ten words, but he spoke to you for more than thirty minutes. The man doesn't talk about himself or at gunpoint, but when you spoke to him, you said something that made him more docile and cooperative than ever. He talked to Ken and asked for help, all because of whatever you told him, Danny."

Danny was confused and didn't hide it, "I don't understand... Cath. You make it sound like all that's wrong."

Catherine had no choice but to laugh, this pair of fools were going to end her patience very soon, "It's not, Danny. You really don't see it, do you?"

Danny was about to lose his temper, "See what, Cath? I'm really not here for games right now... what do you mean?"

"I mean, no matter how anyone tries, Danny. None of us can help Steve like you ..." She paused, then said cautiously, "... and something tells me he could help you with a couple of things too."

There was a long awkward silence on the line, until Danny spoke again, "But he... he's gone, Catherine. He told me he needed to do... Whatever he’s doing... he told me he needed to do it alone."

She sighed again and asked, "And you just took his word?"

Danny resigned, "I don't know what else I could have done. He's a grown man, if he says he doesn't need me, then he doesn't. I must accept that and respect his decision..." he shut up suddenly, just in time before his lips let out the words that boiled in his brain, _"... I must accept that he left me here, even if that tears me apart."_

He heard another sigh, or was it a yawn? Catherine should be tired, with the long flight, the time zone difference and the emotions of the day, so he waited for her answer which took a few seconds. "That's where you're wrong, Danny. You more than anyone should know. Steve’s in a dark place right now... he doesn't know what he wants or what he needs."

That last sentence reminded him of what Steve had told him that afternoon: _"That's the problem, Danny. I don’t have a damn idea of what I need... But you've always known. You're the only one who seems to know. It’s just like if, at a glance, you undressed my soul and discovered what no one has known before...”_ now, those words had a new dimension if he added Catherine's words to the mix. Steve's trust in him was overwhelming. He couldn't go wrong on this... or the consequences for both would be terrible.

His mind felt saturated... so he decided to give up. He'd have time to think about it… now, he needed to act. He needed to know what was expected of him and wanted to do it. Finally, his practical spirit took control "Ok... Now what? What's the plan?"

"You're right..." she replied and said, "Dr. Connors recommended a Veterans Care Clinic. The director is his friend; he’s a specialist with high-level security clearance. I haven't talked to Steve about this yet, but I think he'll agree to see him."

"Good!" Danny answered. So, you're going to talk to him tomorrow? Do you think you can convince him? I mean... we already know what he thinks of therapy." He said, remembering the bad times he put Steve through with their mandatory therapy sessions ordered by Governor Denning.

"I would, Danny," she answered, "But I think you should be the one to do that."

Danny choked and coughed a little before asking, "Wait... me? Why me?"

Catherine sighed, before saying, "Do you really need me to explain to you again that you're the only one who can convince him to go voluntarily?"

Danny finally gave up, didn't want to get into a new argument, so he sighed and said, "Okay... send me a text tomorrow when he wakes up and I'll talk to him."

"Excellent, thank you." Catherine replied in the middle of another yawn, "Now I'm going to bed, Danny. I'm given up and I have a suspicion that I'm going to need a lot of energy over the next few days. Maybe you should do the same..." Okay. The insinuation was in the air. The ball was on Danny's court now, it was just a matter of whether the man accepted the challenge.

If he did, he didn't show it. He simply replied, "Okay, good night, Cath..." waited a second longer and said, "Catherine?"

“Yes?”

“Thank you…!”

* * *

A stinging headache woke him up. He opened his eyes slowly, trying to remember where he was, but the room was dark. He rolled over the bed and looked to his right, the heavy curtains covered the windows, letting passing just a strip of bright light that drew a white line on the floor until it reached the opposite wall. He tried to sit on the bed, sliding until his back was resting on the pillows. His head felt heavy, deaf, as if a million noisy insects were locked inside it.

The palms of his hands went to his eyes and carved hard, trying to release the pressure. He took a deep breath a couple of times and took his phone from the bedside table to find out what time it was. When the screen lit up, the numbers appeared in front of him, making him smile satisfied for the first time since... God! He couldn’t remember when...

It was almost noon. He couldn't remember what time it was when he had dropped semi-unconscious on the mattress, but, for the first time in months he had slept a full night and, as far as he could remember, there had been no nightmares. He left the phone on his lap and took the bottle of water, avidly drinking all its contents. The pain in his head began to subside.

Although his movements were quite silent, Catherine must have heard something, because at that moment she peeked out the door. He smiled at her when he saw her standing there with her hair scrambled and her eyes sleepy. She was wearing shorts and a tank top. When he realized that he was awake, she came in and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Good morning, Cath..." He greeted her, leaving the empty bottle on the night table.

"Good morning, sailor... did you sleep well?"

He smiled shyly and replied, "Pretty much... Yes. I slept all night."

"I'm glad. I'll order coffee and we’re gonna have breakfast... Then we'll talk. Do you want something special?"

He thought about it for a moment. He wasn't hungry, but he knew he had to eat, so he shrugged and said, "Maybe some fruit?"

She got up and went back to her room, he could see that she had the phone in her hands and had started writing a text message.

A minute later, the phone began to vibrate on his lap and Danny's smiling face appeared on the screen. Gratefully, he made a mental note to give Catherine another Chicago vinyl record.

He pressed the button and brought the phone to his ear, saying, "Danno..."

* * *

Danny woke up early that morning and made Charlie's breakfast and lunch for school. He was restless and was constantly looking at his phone to make sure the volume was high enough and that he didn't have missed calls.

After Rachel stopped to pick up the boy, he sat down at the kitchen table, trying to calm his anxiety, inhaling deeply the aroma of his coffee cup. Last night he had given a lot of thought to his conversation with Catherine, but his ideas were in conflict. Suddenly, and without knowing why, he remembered those cartoons in which the character had a demon and an angel muttering advice on either side of his head.

That's exactly how he felt: on the one hand, the little demon on his left shoulder would tell him that if Steve needed time to clarify his ideas, he could use some of that too. Life had hit them both hard, Danny was still not fully recovering from his last round with death. His brief encounter with Joanna still haunted him... He felt alone, and, although he knew that wasn’t true, he felt Steve had left him behind and that still made a surge of anger soar down his throat... why the hell wasn't he good enough?

On the other hand, the little angel on his right shoulder told him that Steve had not abandoned him... that he’d always be with him when he needed him... he had always been like this and always would be. The angel was telling him that the man had a lot to deal with... things that he, who knew him better than anyone, could even imagine.

As always, the little angel won the battle. A sarcastic laugh escaped from his throat; he didn't know if that was good or bad... but there was nothing to do. That’s what he was... that’s what he felt and there was no point fighting that. As if to confirm this thought, his phone vibrated with a brief text message from Catherine, "Steve’s awake."

 _"Well, here we go, "_ he thought as he pressed the speed dial button and waited. Steve answered at the first tone. "Danno..."

* * *

"Hey, buddy! Looks like you feel better this morning, huh?" Danny tried to sound confident. Steve's voice was clearer and, although it wasn't yet his normal tone, it was the _'I'm trying to be a strong guy'_ tone, so he took it as a victory when he heard the answer.

"Yes... I feel better, I think… It's the first night in a long time that I don't have nightmares. Listen, Danny... I wanted to tell you… I'm sorry."

"Exactly why are you apologizing, Steven?" Danny took a sip of his coffee and waited.

"For everything?" Steve's question was barely audible, the man cleared his throat and spoke again. "For leaving as I did… for thinking I could do this without you... for making you feel like I was leaving you behind... for making you worry about me... should I keep counting?"

Danny got up and refilled his cup, then leaned on the counter and, after taking a sip said, "Okay... apologies accepted. So... how do you feel? Have you decided what you want to do?"

Steve sounded confused. Maybe, he assumed Catherine would have already brought Danny up to date on what happened the afternoon before, "I don't know... I guess. Last night I... I met a doctor... a friend of Cath's."

"Yes... she said something to me about it, although she didn't give me many details, would you mind doing that for me?"

"Well... there's not much to tell, really... I just listened to you." Danny almost choked on hearing that, but he just coughed briefly and said, "I'm sorry... please go on."

* * *

Catherine entered the room with a cup of coffee in her hand and a plate with papaya and strawberries in the other. Steve was on the phone, so he smiled and put breakfast on the bedside table and went out quietly, closing the door. Steve looked at her and smiled gratefully.

The brief pause didn’t go unnoticed by Danny, there was a slight restlessness in his voice when he asked, "Steve?"

Steve took a brief sip of his coffee and said, "Yeah... I’m sorry. It's just that Cath brought breakfast..."

The tone in Danny's voice changed slightly; probably for someone who didn't know him, the change would have gone unnoticed, but not for Steve, who smiled while listening to him say, "She's been great, isn’t she? I mean, she’s there with you... She called me yesterday to help her to find you and she got you that excellent doctor..."

"Danny..." Steve tried to interrupt, but Danny didn't let him, "No, I mean it, Steve. She's a good friend."

"I know you mean it... but I also know that you think there's something else here... I can tell you there isn't... She's a good friend and she understands what's going on with me, Danny. I didn't plan on her being here, but I'm grateful... she has helped me realize a couple of things... the first is that I'm a stubborn jerk and the second is that now I know I can't do this without help."

"All right..." Danny's voice changed again, so Steve relaxed, took the fruit plate and the fork, while holding the phone between his ear and his shoulder. He put a strawberry in his mouth and started chewing while Danny asked, "Well... What I can say is that talking to that doctor… Connors, is his name? It helped you... didn't it?"

Steve swallowed the bite and replied, "Yeah... I guess. He prescribed me some sleeping pills… they helped ..., which is enough. But he also recommended a place... there's another doctor... a Dr. Connors' friend, who works there... Dr. Connors thinks he can help me. So, I think I'll go there..."

"When will that be?"

After drinking another sip of coffee, Steve replied, "As soon as I can arrange a flight."

Danny sounded suspicious when he asked, "And I'm going to know where that clinic is?"

Steve couldn't help but laugh, "You wouldn't believe it if I told you..."

"Why? Is that on Mars? Or somewhere classified in the middle of Central Africa?" Danny's voice denoted that the man honestly thought that, when it comes to Steve, both possibilities were perfectly feasible.

"No, Danno. It's not that far... it's only in Hackensack, New Jersey."

They both started laughing uncontrollably, Steve had to straighten up in bed to keep from choking, and tears started to accumulate in the corners of his eyes. They laughed for a couple of minutes. When they finally calmed down, Steve wiped his eyes with his thumb, listening to Danny ask, "So, you're finally going to listen to my wise advice and go to the beautiful Garden State. Is that right?"

"It seems so, though..." Steve's face was darkened again. Danny seemed to notice because he immediately asked, "Though?"

Steve cleared his throat and lowered his voice, as if he feared that someone other than Danny might hear him, "I'm scared, Danno ...!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that the Veteran Clinic in Hackensack is real, but the contact details are fictitious. Thanks for reading!


	10. Are you gonna hug me, or what?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter turned out longer than I expected. but my fingers were typing and typing ... hope it meets expectations. Let me know what you think ... Thanks for reading.

**CHAPTER 10. Are you gonna hug me, or what?**

The flight to Newark was endless; after a delay of almost two hours due to bad weather, they were finally able to board the plane; then the five-and-a-half hours were a real torture. Steve sat in the aisle seat next to Catherine, who had been focused on her laptop for a while. Across the aisle, a young blonde girl was traveling with two young kids… they must have been three or four years old and they had been crying for a long time.

Everything got worse with the fact that he hadn't spoken to Danny since that morning, two days ago. He couldn’t tell how many times he tried to call him or text him, Danny had answered with short messages, but he didn’t pick up his phone. Surely his partner had a lot to think about... Oh God! he was behaving like a spoiled kid! He assumed that the team had a case and they had been busy... but knowing that didn't help.

This situation had caused some panic attacks, which he had tried to control. Suddenly, in the most unexpected moments, he felt an oppressive sensation in his chest, his heart rate accelerated as he struggled to breathe. His brain was trying to regain control, taking deep breaths... he couldn’t always make it.

He tried to sleep, but his thoughts was tangled again, imagining what Danny would be doing; forming a thousand different scenarios in his mind: the most recurrent told him over and over again, that Danny had thought it better and maybe he wasn’t willing to assume such responsibility... Steve couldn't blame him. Danny had two kids and had to think about them first.

But Danny had sounded so convinced when he said to Steve that morning that he would be with him ... that he would do anything Steve asked him to do, if that would help him get his head back.

* * *

_Two days ago._

"I’m scared, Danno!" he had required all his courage for that simple confession. He didn't even have to explain the cause of his fear. Danny knew|...

He felt pathetic. Everyone knew Steve McGarrett was never scared... or if he was, he never showed it. Now he openly confessed a terror that pierced his bones. He didn't want to be one of those guys he'd known over the years... Trained military guys who had seen enough horror and death in their lifetime to end up destroyed mentally and emotionally.

Those men had lost everything: wives who had been unable to handle the tension and were gone; Sons and daughters, who had fled home, trying to escape the hell into which the father's mind had plunged them. Friends, co-workers... They had all given up and abandoned them to their fate.. Other guys, who depended on meds to live a moderately normal life... but that alternative didn't seem very attractive either.

Dr. Connors had told him that his problem could be solved.... If he followed the right steps and got the help he needed, all this could improve, so that was his only option... and Danny was his lifeline and he would hold on to them as hard as he could.

He tried to focus on what Danny was saying, "Listen... I know you're scared, buddy. You must even be scared of the fact that you're scared... I don’t know if that makes sense, but you are... You must feel helpless because you cannot control what is happening to you, but I’ll be there, okay?... Even if we are far from each other, every time you feel scared, just close your eyes and I'll be there, will you? "

Steve breathed again... Danny's words reassured him like nothing else. A soft lethargy washed over him, and he slowly fell asleep again.

At that moment, Catherine opened the door silently. She stared at the sleeping man, walked to the bed and took the phone from Steve’s hands. Then she left the room again and closed the door, as she put the phone to her ear and whispered, "Danny?"

* * *

Danny took a while to realize he was talking to himself ... only Steve's steady breathing could be heard on the line. He smiled when he heard Catherine's low voice, "Danny?"

"Yeah... I don't know how long I've been talking to myself, but I guess my boy fell asleep again."

"Yeah... he's exhausted." Catherine answered. Danny could hear some movement. It looked like she was opening drawers and taking some stuff. Then a short silence.

"Cath?" he asked.

"Yes... I’m sorry. I'm here."

"So... New Jersey, uh?"

"Yeah..." he could hear her smile when she answered. "I suppose it's fate..."

"And... what’s the plan? Are you planning to go there today?" Danny tried to get as much information as possible... He knew what he had to do, but there were some things he had to work out first, so he had to know Steve's plans so he could come up with his own plans.

"I don't know ..." she replied. "I guess he'll want to leave as soon as possible, so I'll find some flights so I can give him options when he wakes up, but I don't think it's gonna be today, Danny. I need to solve some problems first, and there are a couple of people I have to meet in L.A. before I left town."

He didn’t ask what problems she was talking about. He guessed it had something to do with their work, so he said, "Please keep me posted, Cath..."

"I will..." she promised, "As soon as I know something, I'll text you."

* * *

_He got out of the Silverado and ran cautiously toward the house. From where he was, he could see the door was open. A man ran out, with a gun in his hands… the guy saw him and pointed the gun at him. A second later, the perp lay on the ground with a bullet in the forehead. His hands were shaking as he approached the door, he covered the perimeter with his gun, and turned toward the entrance._

_He came over. His eyes took a while to get used to the darkness inside. He dropped his gun and ran to the unconscious body lying in a pool of blood. No... Oh, no!... He leaned over and put his fingers in Danny's neck... There was no pulse._

_"No... Danny, no!" he yelled as he started compressions. The wound on Danny’s chest was bleeding profusely... Steve tried not to look and focus on what he was doing. One, two, three compressions, "Come on, Danny!... breathe, buddy!" More compressions... in the distance he heard the engines of the cars parking and feet running._

_"No, Danny! Please...! Don't do this man!... Damn it! Breathe!" He leaned over to try to hear something... a gasp, the breathing... something, but he didn't hear anything._

_Lou leaned over next to him and put his fingers in Danny's neck. "Steve!" the captain's quiet voice called him, "Steve...!" He ignored him and kept pushing Danny's chest faster and faster. "Come on man!... don't do this to me!" he said over and over again._

_Junior grabbed him by the shoulders and tried to keep him away from Danny as he said, "He's dead, Steve. Paramedics are here!"_

_Angry, he pushed Junior back and leaned back on his partner's inert body. "Danny... open your eyes, Danny... please!"_

_Now Junior and Adam struggled with him to keep him away from the body as the paramedics tried to work a miracle. He sat on the floor, staring at Danny's pale, expressionless face. Suddenly, his friend opened his eyes, turned his head and stared at him. The paramedics kept screaming and using the defibrillator... "Load 300, everybody clear!... Check the pulse." A guy put his fingers in Danny's neck and shouted, "There's no pulse!"_

_"Once again..." the first man shouted, "Charge 360, everybody clear!... Check the pulse!" The guy checked again and said, "No pulse, sir."_

_Danny's face drew a sad smile. "I’m sorry..." he whispered. "I know I said I'd be with you. I really wanted to. I'm so sorry!" Then his eyes darkened, and the smile disappeared._

_"Sir... sir!" Someone called him. He blinked a couple of times and looked at the guy, who said, "I'm sorry, sir... he’s gone!"_

_"No! No, Danny...! Oh, God. Please don't!"_

He felt a couple of hands gently shake him, "Steve!" He knew that voice... but that wasn't possible. She wasn't there... she was supposed to be somewhere in the Middle East or Africa... Not here in Hawaii. He heard the voice again, and the hands shook his shoulders again, "Sailor... wake up!"

He raised his face and looked at her with a frown, not understanding how she had gotten there so fast, "He can't leave me, Cath... he can't, please, Cath! Tell... tell them he can't die. Don't let him die!"

He wanted to get up, but he couldn't move his legs and Catherine held his arms tightly. "Steve!" She called him one more time, he looked at her. She was calm when she said, "Shh... Shh. Just wake up, sailor. Wake up and look at me."

The room suddenly darkened. The inclement light of the Hawaiian sun no longer blinded him... he looked around, that strip of light that filtered through the curtains, the white tiled floor... He made an inventory of his body; the sheets were tangled around his legs preventing him from moving. His T-shirt and hair were drenched in sweat and his cheeks wet with tears. Catherine, a few inches from him, kept whispering soft, unintelligible words trying to reassure him.

He finally remembered where he was... his heart rate slowed slow down slowly, as he breathed deeply. When he was finally able to speak, he simply murmured, "I'm sorry..."

"Don't be..." Cath replied tenderly, "Don't apologize... it was a nightmare Steve. Just a nightmare."

Blushed by shame and effort, he raised his right hand and gently stroked Catherine's cheek as he said, "Thanks, Cath...!" Then he moved his legs, trying in vain to untie the knot of sheets that imprisoned him. Cath smiled and said, "Let me help you, sailor..." She turned and her skilled hands released him. He repeated: "Thank you..."

Without saying another word, he got up and walked to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He stood in front of the sink and looked in the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot and his pale skin darkened under his eyes and cheekbones, giving him a sickly appearance. Shrugging his shoulders, he opened the shower door and turned on the tap. As the water warmed up, he took a deep breath a couple of times.

* * *

Catherine sat on the edge of the bed... She needed to resolve her business and arrange that meeting with his supervisor as soon as possible, to delay the start of her next mission, but she was afraid to leave Steve alone. She was listening to the shower water for four or five minutes until the bathroom door opened and he went out. He was only wearing a towel wrapped around his waist and his wet hair dripped down his shoulders.

She averted her gaze unable to avoid the blush that rose up her cheeks, Steve's bare torso had always been one of her weaknesses. She beat herself for thinking about it, when the man was clearly in a bad place. When he walked to his duffel bag and grabbed some clothes, she got up and said, "I'll wait in my room," without looking up, she left the room and closed the door.

* * *

Cath was sitting in the wicker chair on the balcony with the headphones on. The laptop was back on her lap and her bare feet moved rhythmically. Steve went out and sat in the chair in front of her, on his face there was a shy smile, then his gaze was lost in the sunset sky.

She took off the headphones and asked, "Okay, have you decided what you want to do yet? I got the information about that clinic in Hackensack, Ken sent it to me last night." She waited and when he didn't answer, she said, "I was looking for some flights to Newark, but I was waiting your decision... what do you want to do, Steve?"

He looked at her and said, "Well... I don't think I have many options here, Cath... I know I need help and if Dr. Connors says the people at Hackensack can help me, then I think I must go there."

"All right." She started typing on her computer to open information about flights while saying, "This morning I got a call from Langley. Tomorrow morning, I need to see my supervisor... I have a new assignment."

He looked up, worried. He didn't understand the momentary pang of fear he felt. He cleared his throat, again embarrassed... he had always solved his problems on his own and this shouldn’t be the exception.

She noticed the change in his expression and said, "I don't know what it's about, where I'm going, or when… but I'll try to delay it as much as I can... I'd like to fly with you to New Jersey... if you agree."

He shook his head, "Listen Cath... I don't want you to have trouble because of me... I'll manage. Don't worry."

"You mean you don't want me to go with you?" She asked, smiling.

He understood the joke and said, "No... I mean, yes... I'd like that. But I understand if you can't... I know you have work to do."

Her gaze turned to the computer screen, and she said, "As I said, I'll try to delay it for a few days. Okay, there's a flight to Newark next Thursday at 11:40. That should give me enough time to figure it all out. Does it work for you?"

He nodded gratefully, the words failed again, so, leaning forward, he took Catherine's hands in his and said one more time, "Thank you Cath."

"You don't need to thank me, sailor. I'll buy the tickets." He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and took his credit card, handing it over to Catherine. She started typing the numbers.

* * *

Danny was arriving at Rachel's place when he received the text message from Catherine. "Flight arranged for Thursday. Departs from LAX 11:40, arrives at EWR 8:15 PM." He sighed, that gave him only one day advantage, and time passed like a whirlwind.

* * *

_Eight hours earlier_

After his phone call with Steve, he had made the decision to go to New Jersey, but he had resolve some issues before leaving. After finishing the call that morning, he searched his phone's contacts and dialed the governor's office number. The call was brief, the meeting was scheduled for 11 a.m. which gave him an hour to get ready. He took a quick shower and called Rachel.

He arrived at the governor's residence almost fifteen minutes earlier. The friendly secretary asked him to sit down and offered him some coffee. Ten minutes later, he was sitting at Governor Mahoe's desk, she looked at him curiously.

She hesitated a little when her gaze fell on the white envelope he held in his hands, recognizing it. She took a deep breath and said resigned, "Well, Detective Williams. Looks like you have made a decision."

"Yes, ma'am..." He handed over the envelope and remained silent as she pulled the sheet of paper out and began to read. "I won’t deny, Detective, that your decision makes me feel sad... I don't like the idea of losing the two leaders of my task force... losing my two best men, in the same week."

"I know, ma'am, and I'm sorry." Danny swallowed the knot in his throat and said, "I... I can't stay here... It's no secret to anyone that the idea of retiring has been hovering over my mind for two years... I turned twenty, ma'am. I think it's time."

Mahoe smiled and put the sheet of paper on the desk. She reclined in the seat and said, "It's not just that you've turned your twenty. This decision is directly related to Commander McGarrett. Am I wrong?"

"No, ma'am... you’re not." Danny took a deep breath and said, "I spoke to him yesterday... he's not well and I... I feel like I must be with him to help him get back to his feet. This is too important to doubt... he needs me."

"Yes... He does, detective. And you need him, don't you?" Mahoe closed his eyes for a moment, trying to clarify her thoughts, "Listen, detective. I know it's none of my business, so please forgive me if I cross a line here. You must follow your heart… Danny.” He looked at her in surprise. The governor had never called him by his first name before. She kept talking, “If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is too short... if you have something good, hold on to that, before it's too late."

He looked at her startled and embarrassed to have been so transparent. Without saying anything he just shrugged, so she spoke again, "But..." She took the letter again and tore the paper in half, throwing the two pieces into the trash can next to her desk. "I'll tell you the same thing I told him. I don’t accept your resignation..."

Danny began to replicate, "But, ma'am..."

She raised her hand and he muted, "I'll propose the same deal I proposed to Commander McGarrett. A temporary license... three months and then we'll talk again."

Danny looked down at his hands rubbing against each other, when she said, "As you will understand, I'm not going to give up without a fight, detective." He looked at her and she smiled, "As I said, you’re my two best men, both are irreplaceable. I can't let you go so easily, I want you both back... But I want you both to be okay when you do. So, detective... Go with him, help him and, taking advantage of the trip, also solve some of your own problems along the way. You guys do what you must do to get well... Your jobs will be here waiting for you. We'll talk again in three months, and if you both decide you want to leave, you'll have my blessing. All right?"

Danny got up unable to hide his surprise, the Governor shook his hand with strength and warmth. _"Wow!"_ Danny thought, this was a facet of Mahoe that he had never seen before.

Twenty minutes later, Danny parked the Silverado in its usual spot in the shade of the trees. He had always found it difficult to maneuver the huge vehicle, made for someone bigger than himself. But driving it comforted him. The interior of the cabin smelled of Steve's scent... that scent was imbued in the seats, the board, the steering wheel. Part of him felt Steve was sitting there next to him, and that helped... helped a lot.

He limped toward the Palace main entrance. He no longer carried the stick, but was still unable to walk normally. Five minutes later, he pushed to open the glass doors at the HQ and looked around. Lou was in his office, Junior, Adam and Tani were around the smart table listening to Cole who was explaining a new case. Instinctively he looked at the corner office and let out a sigh of relief. The office was still empty, and the lights were off.

"Hey!" Tani greeted him affectionately, while Adam put a hand on his shoulder.

Cole smiled and said, "It's good to see you, Danny. I thought you'd be out for a couple more days... But it's good that you're here. We could use your help."

Danny smiled, looking at his teammates one by one, his eyes found Cole again as he said, "Listen... do you have a minute? There's something I need to talk to you about."

The guys saw the two men walk away into the boardroom. Danny smiled when they came in. The large rectangular table had disappeared, replaced by a dark wood desk placed on the right side and a large bookcase right next to the window. Two columns of cardboard boxes by the door, told him that the new temporary boss of Five-0 (so had the governor called him?) anyway... those boxes told him that Cole had not yet finished settling in.

Lincoln sat behind the desk, pointing to the other chair for the other man to sit on, but Danny remained standing. Without further ado, he began to say, "Listen... I come from the Governor's office... I have presented my resignation to her."

Cole shook his head, "I don't understand, Danny... Listen, I know you're not too happy to have me here. But you don't have to quit... I'm sure we can work well together."

"No..." Danny interrupted him, "This has nothing to do with you... This is me... I can't stay here... Not without Steve."

"I don't get it..." Cole frowned, trying to make sense of the resignation of the man who had built Five-0 along with McGarrett.

"Listen, Cole... I've turned twenty, it's time for me to start thinking about what's next for me. I know you're a good guy, and you'll do well at Five-0. The rest of them, the team, will be here to support you. But I can't... I hope you understand."

"So, what are you going to do?" Cole asked.

Danny finally sat up, doubting the amount of information he could reveal. He knew Steve and knew that the man valued his privacy, so he said, "I don't know... I can't say what's going to happen, beyond the next few days. I think I'm going home... I mean, Jersey. I'll be with my family, take a break, and then ... I'll see."

Cole got up and reached out to Danny, who got up again and shook the man’s hand tightly. He started walking towards the door, but Cole called him again, "Danny?"

He turned his head to see the other man who asked, "What should I tell McGarrett if he comes back and you're not here?"

Danny smiled. "Don't worry about it... something tells me that if he decides to come back, I'll know before you."

* * *

In the bullpen, the guys were staring worried at Cole's new office. Through the windows, they could see the two men talking. When they friendly shook hands, Tani said, "I don't like this..."

At that moment, Lou had left his office and walked towards them. He looked at where they were looking and asked, "Is Danny here? I didn't hear when he got here."

"Yeah..." Adam replied, "but something tells me he won't be here for long."

Danny opened the glass doors and went out to meet the others. "Hey, guys! There's something I need to tell you," he said as he leaned on the smart table. None of them dared to say anything.

"I've given it a lot of thought." His gaze met Adam's and then Lou's, who looked at him suspiciously. "Some of you have been hearing me talk about the possibility of retiring, for a long time now. Well, I think that moment has come."

Tani let go of a sob, as tears began to wet her eyelashes. Junior approached her and passed his arm over her shoulders, pressing gently. "I don't get it." The guy said in a pitiful tone, "First Steve and now you? What's really going on, Danny?"

"Nothing you don't know, buddy." Danny approached Tani and hugged her. A moment later, he moved away and looked the girl in the eye, "Listen... I can't do this without him... he's my partner. If he's out, I'm out. Do you understand?" He looked at the rest of the team and spoke again, "He's the real reason I stayed here for so long, even after Rachel got divorced. I could have gone back to the mainland with my kids... She's been telling me about going back to Jersey ever since. But I didn't want to... because he kept me here..."

He hesitated a little when he realized the information he was revealing, "I mean..." he tried to correct the course, "My job kept me here... and keep that crazy Neanderthal alive... that was my job. Now I would feel out of place here... I wouldn't find my way. So I've decided I’ll go to Jersey for a while."

Adam dared to ask, "What about Charlie?"

Danny moved, changing his weight from one foot to another and replied, "Tonight I'm going to talk to Rachel. My plan is for them to meet me when the school year is over." When he finished speaking, a heavy silence settled in the room. Adam walked towards him and opened his arms. Both men hugged as Adam whispered in his ear, "I can't believe you're leaving, brother. I'm gonna miss you."

Danny smiled and patted the other man's back, as he said, "I'll miss you too!"

Then he turned to Junior and shook his hand, "Listen buddy, do me a favor, will you? Take care of Eddie for me, Steve would kill me if something bad happened to his dog in his absence."

Junior shook Danny's hand and pulled him for a hug, "I will, man. And you, take care too, will you? McGarrett will kill me if anything bad happens to you in his absence." A laugh escaped from the throats of both men as they moved away from the hug.

He looked at Lou for a moment. The captain had frozen in his place, while an expression of reproach loomed into his eyes. Danny sighed and said, "You got a minute, Lou?" He pointed his right hand at his office. The other man didn't answer, he just started walking to Danny's office, the detective followed him in silence.

When the door closed behind them, Lou's deep voice broke the silence, "What's really going on, Danny?"

"Listen..." Danny said, as he sat on the couch and patting the surface next to him for the captain to sit down. "What I'm going to tell you can't leave this room." Understanding that something very serious was happening, Lou sat down quickly and confronted Danny, "What's going on?"

Danny began to explain, "Listen... I took your advice, and talked to Steve. He sounded bad, like shattered, Lou."

"I don't understand, Danny. Did you tell him? I mean, you say you took my advice, did you tell him what he means to you?"

Danny raised his hands asking for patience, "There was no time... he's collapsing, Lou, and I can't just stay here and wait for news. That's not me... I need to be there with him. Catherine seems to think I'm the only one who can help him. So what kind of man I am, if the person I love the most, besides my children, is suffering and I just stay here? " Danny was petrified for a second, the words had escaped from his lips without him being able to stop them. Not that he cared to stop them... Not anymore.

Wisely, Lou remained silent, while Danny reordered his ideas. "I spoke to Steve this morning… Cath..." he said, after clearing his throat, "She has a friend... a doctor who apparently helped him last night."

"Did he help him?" Lou asked trying to understand what kind of help Danny was referring to.

"Yes... they spoke and this doctor... prescribed him some sleeping pills. Looks like they helped... He also recommended a clinic... It's a place where they can help him, Lou. They have a program to help veterans with PTSD. Steve and Catherine will go there."

The understanding began to peek out of Lou's eyes when he asked, "And you will go to meet him… wherever that clinic is, won’t you?"

Danny leaned forward and stared at Lou's black eyes, "Yes... I have to. He needs me, Lou."

"In that case, " Lou got up holding Danny a hand to help him get up too, "there's nothing more to say. Just do me a favor, will you?" He opened his arms and wrapped Danny in a big hug, when they moved away, he said, "Take care of our boy... and keep me informed, will you?"

"I will..." Danny patted Lou's huge back and, before the man left his office, smiled at him, saying, "I will, man. I promise." He walked around the desk and sat down, opening the laptop to look for flights from Honolulu to Newark for the next day.

* * *

When the plane landed, Steve turned on his phone. He sighed frustrated, Danny had not answered his last two text messages. Angry, he got up and took his duffel bag from the overhead compartment. He was tired to the bone. All he wanted was to check into a hotel, take a hot bath, take a couple of Dr. Connors' magic pills and sleep for another twelve hours.

Twenty minutes later, they were at the terminal, on their way to the car rental module. Catherine walked in front of him, her gaze stuck on her phone screen, as she exchanged text messages with someone. He didn't feel like finding out who, so he kept walking behind her.

When they got the module, she turned on her heels and said, pointing to the waiting room, "Why don't you sit down and wait for me? I’ll rent the car". He shrugged, took Catherine's bag and walked to the waiting room. He put both bags in an empty chair and sat leaning forward and resting his elbows on his thighs. He took his phone again and dialed that number for the umpteenth time, _"Damn it, Danny!"_ he thought, and closed his eyes when the call sent him directly to the voicemail, _"Why the hell don't you pick up your phone?"_ It took all his patience not to throw the device against the floor.

When he opened his eyes, he saw a pair of sneakers right in front of him. Slowly he looked up and his heart sped up when he saw him. Jeans and a leather jacket, blonde hair combed perfectly back and a smile of 1000 watts. He had to blink several times to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

"Okay," said that voice. "Are you gonna hug me, or what?"


	11. So… What´s the plan?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They both begin to heal.

**CHAPTER 11: So… What´s the plan?**

"Danny ...?" Steve still hesitated for a moment. As that smile grew wider, he quickly got up and wrapped Danny in a desperate hug. He closed his eyes and inhaled the familiar scent deeply. "Danno ...!" The words refused to form in his brain, and the lump in his throat prevented him from breathing normally.

Danny affectionately patted Steve's back and said in a whisper, "I'm here..."

After a brief moment, Steve tried to move away a little... He knew they were in the middle of the crowded terminal and that people passing by could see them. But he couldn't... he didn't care... he couldn't let Danny go. This hug was very different from the last one they shared that day on the beach. That hug had been filled with hopelessness, sadness, and resignation.

"Good...! You made it!" Catherine's voice broke the moment and they finally moved away. The look of complicity and the smile on her lips gave her away.

Steve turned to look at her and asked, "You... you knew?" His heart was beginning to regain its normal rhythm. Although his insides were still tangled. She nodded silently; With an even broader smile, Danny said, "Yeah, babe... This is a conspiracy."

"I don't get it, Danny. You haven't answered my calls in the last two days, and you've saved as many words as possible in your text messages... I mean, why didn't you just tell me you'd be coming?

"Because I wasn't sure I could fix it all in time. I had some issues to resolve before I made the decision to come here... But here I am... for you... If you want me here."

Steve smiled and shook his head from side to side; He felt like a kid on Christmas morning... he walked over to Danny and hugged him again, saying, "If I want you here? You're a fool, Danny Williams. Also, I clearly remember you saying, 'Don't make me come looking for you'... Still... you're here."

"Yes I am!" Danny laughed and replied as he returned the hug, "I guess that clarifies the point."

In a way, Catherine seemed relieved, when both men turned to see her, but she hesitated for a moment before looking Danny in the eye and opening her arms, "Okay... so… there's not a hug for me?"

Danny walked over to her and hugged her warmly, whispering in her ear, "Thank you, Cath." Steve looked at them pleased. They hadn't been on the best terms since she left almost five years ago. When she returned to Oahu, Danny did his best not to show up at headquarters that day to avoid meeting her, he just stayed home waiting for news from Lou, furious because Steve had gone to Kaho'olawe with her to search for that depleted uranium, exposing himself to a new dose of radiation.

Steve couldn't forget the deep disappointment and pain in Danny's eyes when he saw her at Joe's Ranch in Montana, but at the time he didn't have time to worry ... he was a man on a mission... After that, it all piled up, and he never thought about it again.

But today, once again, Danny was surprising him... That man's forgiveness was limitless. Steve had seen it over and over... with Rachel, with Melissa... even with Steve... Danny left the past behind, exposing himself over and over to someone ripping his heart out and hurting him again. But as far as Catherine was concerned, he had resisted doing so. Now, finally, everything seemed forgotten... from the way he hugged Catherine, his partner showed that he had finally forgiven her.

Catherine's eyes were clouded when they moved away, she smiled sadly and said, wiping her eyes with her thumb, "Thanks, Danny... You're a good friend."

"Okay ... that's okay now." Danny regained his composure, sat down on one of the chairs, and with an uneasy look asked, "So what's the plan?"

Steve cleared his throat and sat next to him, trying to sort out his ideas. Catherine stood in front of them. Her voice showed a tone of apology when he looked at Steve sadly and said, "I'm afraid I only have one day off, Saturday I need to fly to Virginia." Her gaze went from Steve to Danny, as she said, "You'll have to get by without me. I'm sorry."

"No, Cath... don't be sorry. You have a job to do, and I get it. You've done too much for me and I... I appreciate it."

Before the conversation got awkward again, Danny smiled at Catherine, looked at Steve again and asked, "What about us?"

Steve hesitated, excited again at the idea of having Danny here, with him, to help him deal with what he had to deal with. He smiled shyly and replied, "Well, the Dr. Robbins appointment is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon... so before that, nothing... no plans. For now, the idea is to find a hotel and settle down... We could use some good few hours of sleep." Then he seemed to remember Danny being home and asked, "What time did you get here? Have you seen your parents yet?"

Danny smiled when he replied, "Actually, yeah... I got here this morning. Mom made enough breakfast for an army. Bridget and Stella were there... it was nice to be together again ... By the way, my mom sent you a message".

Steve frowned silently, Danny smiled again. "She made me promise to try to convince you to stay with them... I mean in the house."

Steve shook his head several times and said, "No... Danny. I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why, babe? You know my mom loves you..."

The man shook his head again and said, "Yes, I know... and I'm sorry; I also want to see them... all of them, but I'm not in a good place right now, Danny." He looked down staring his shoes as he said, "Anxiety... flashbacks, panic attacks, I can't always control them. I'd die of shame if any of them had to see me like this..."

"All right..." Danny reached out and put his hand on Steve's chin, forcing him to look at him, a couple of seconds later he said, "I'll tell you what... why don't we take one day at a time? Maybe, once you feel better, you may want to visit them sometime. Sounds good?"

Steve nodded silently; his cheeks flushed with shame and guilt, then he repeated, "I'm sorry..."

"Don't be… I get it. This isn't exactly a vacation. We have something to do, so let's do it. Have you thought about which hotel we're gonna stay?"

Steve grabbed him by the arm and said, while Danny looked at him again, "No, Danny. Go with your parents... spend some time with your family. We'll go to the hotel and we'll see you tomorrow."

But Danny got up, taking the bag closest to him. A second later, Steve also got up and took it from his hands, while Danny spoke: "Like I said... this is not a vacation. I came for a reason. So, stop trying to get rid of me, and lets go...Come on."

* * *

It was almost 11 at night when they arrived at the hotel . Undefined pain tightened Steve's entire body, as if he had crossed the limits of exhaustion. They approached the front desk and asked for three rooms. Ten minutes later, the elevator stopped on the fifth floor, the three of them got out and walked down the hall.

Catherine's room was next to Steve's. Danny's was across the hall. They said goodbye with a laconic "Good evening", Catherine approached and kissed Danny on the cheek; After thinking for a second or two, she walked over to Steve and whispered, giving him a soft kiss, "I'll leave the door unlocked, in case you need anything. Okay?" She turned around, entered her room, and closed the door. Steve smiled gratefully, the last two nights at the hotel in LA, he had woken up just before dawn, drenched in sweat, amid gasps and tears soaking his pillow. Catherine had been there to help him get back to reality.

Danny hesitated a little when he put the card in the lock, looked at Steve and asked, "You'll be fine, won't you? I can keep you company for a while... if you want."

Steve put on his usual strong guy face, shook his head and said, "I'll be fine, Danno. I'll see you tomorrow."

Danny shrugged and walked into his room, Steve stood there for a while, his eyes lost on that closed door... waiting... wishing. A moment later, he turned on his heel and entered his own room, which was barely illuminated by the light from the hall.

Standing by the door, he looked at the place. The huge bed in the middle of the room, with the two night tables on each side; A large window, with the curtains open, showed a magnificent view of the city... this city was Danny's home. On the left, the bathroom, and on the right, the small door that connected with Cath's room. A wardrobe, a small couch and a table with two chairs completed the simple furniture. He entered slowly and closed the door. He dropped the duffel bag... he didn't even turn on the lights, letting the gloom wrap him. With a sigh, he dropped into one of the chairs and let his gaze stray into the huge sea of flickering lights outside his window.

He had felt, in recent months, that life had become a kind of cosmic pause. As if time passed at a different pace... sometimes desperately slow, sometimes so fast that he hardly realized what was happening. Outside, life went on. Rows of cars snaked through the streets. The light ads featured products that he wasn't interested in. Life inside the houses continued with an irritating normality. It was as if no one noticed... as if no one heard the desperate screams that would shatter his throat if he let them escape.

No... that was a lie. There was always someone listening... his Ohana was there... but they didn't seem to realize the true storm that was unfolding within him. They looked at him sympathetically, patted him on the back, and assured him that everything would be all right. And he was grateful for all of them... He didn't blame them for not realizing what was really going on. How could they even imagine that? Not even Cath... Only Danny seemed to understand... he couldn't explain it even if he tried: By experiencing his own dose of horrors, his partner had developed an almost supernatural ability to sense and tune with his mood.

As if summoning him, at that moment he heard two timid knocks on the door... he blinked a few times to return to here and now, got up, walked slowly to the door and opened it. Danny was there; He was wearing tracksuit shorts and a rumpled T-shirt. His hair was tousled and he was barefoot. His trembling hands nervously turned the key card to his room.

"Hey!" He said, trying to look casual.

Without answering, Steve moved aside, asking his partner to come in. Then he closed the door and followed him. Danny looked around, noticing that the bed was intact; he frowned and said, "You haven't slept..."

Steve looked at him confused, "Uh... No… I sat for a while to look at the lights of the city.."

Danny approached him with the unease drawn in his eyes, "Did you sit for a while to look at the city? A while? Steven, it's three o'clock in the morning ... Are you telling me that four hours are just a moment for you?"

Stunned, Steve raised his left hand to his face and tried to see his watch... it was dark. He pressed the button and a small light illuminated it; He shrugged and said, "I... I didn't realize... I guess time flew."

Danny turned around and walked to the bedside table, turning on the lamp. A soft, warm light illuminated the room, but Steve covered his eyes with his hands, dazzled. When he lowered them again, he noticed that they were wet.

Worried, Danny came up to him again and said, "Hey... are you okay?"

Steve frowned again and nodded, then said, "I'm sorry... I’m okay. Can... you just turn off the light? My head hurts a little bit."

After the light went out, Danny returned to him and asked, "Do you want to tell me what's going on?"

He turned around and went back to the chair. Danny followed him and sat in the other chair. Steve tried to explain, "I don't know... lately it seems like it's my usual mood... Tears come all the time... without warning. I... this isn't me, Danny."

Danny leaned forward and put his elbows on the table. In the dark, he could barely distinguish the hazel blue color in those wet, red eyes. "Yes, Steve. This is you... And the sooner you recognize that, the closer you'll be to get better."

"But ..." He pointed to his own chest and said, "This guy ... I don't like him. All the time I have nightmares and flashbacks... the people I love die over and over in front of my eyes and I hate that.. And you..." He stopped suddenly, so Danny's hand crossed the table and took his... Steve took a deep breath and said: "My last nightmares ... they all are about you... I didn't get in time to take you to the hospital and you die in my arms. Every night, Danny. Then, when I wake up, Daiyu Mei's cynical smile haunts me for the rest of the day."

There... he had said it. He knew it was terribly unfair to put this burden on his partner's shoulders. And he didn't want to... but he thought that the least that Danny deserved was complete and absolute honesty. Danny's next words surprised him.

"Yes, I know... I've got those too. Even though time has passed, you have died in my dreams in many different ways... in some of them, I can't land that damn plane in time... sometimes, the SEAL team in Afghanistan arrives too late and they find you died in that filthy room. I spend days unable to take your lifeless eyes out of my mind, Steve... so trust me, I know what you're talking about."

Steve's hand pressed hard on Danny's, whispering, "I know ... and I'm sorry, Danny. It's so unfair to throw all this burden at you, when you have so much to deal with."

"No... that's where you're wrong, babe. If we deal with everything that happens to both of us... If we do this together, the burden is not so heavy. That's why..." Suddenly, he fell silent... he had promised himself not to mention this anymore. But Steve squeezed his hand again and said, "I thought we would do this together, so tell me Danny."

Danny shrugged, Steve was right. The guy was being honest, the least he could do was reciprocate, so he said quietly, "That's why it hurt so much that you decided that getting away from me was your way of solve things. As if you didn't want me to follow you... As if you think you could do better without me."

Steve looked him in the eye, he was lost for a second in that deep blue color, until Danny looked down, "You know that's not true, Danno! But I feel so lost ... it wasn't about me getting away from you. It was about leaving behind all the ghosts that haunt me there... Now I know I was wrong... it was all the other way around, when I left, I not only left you behind, but I brought all those ghosts... they all came with me. They live inside me."

Danny smiled ironically, "Well! I think saying we have some problems to solve would be a big understatement, right?"

Steve rolled his eyes and said, "Yeah ... I guess it is." A big yawn came out of his mouth, so Danny smiled again and said, "How about we take you to bed and you try to get some sleep? How does that sound?"

The man nodded silently, got up and took his duffel bag, then he went to the bathroom without turning on the lights, and closed the door. It took him a minute to get back. He was wearing shorts and a sleeveless shirt. He walked to the bed and sat on the edge. Danny sat next to him and asked, "Do you want one of those sleeping pills?"

He shook his head when he said, "I don't think so... it's late and if I take them right now, I'll be like a zombie all day tomorrow."

Danny frowned and insisted, "Are you sure? You need to rest."

Steve nodded, but his eyes darkened, as if he hesitated to ask for what he so desperately needed. As always, Danny knew, "What is it?... what do you need?"

The other man cleared his throat and said quietly, "I... I don't want to be alone... do you think...? Do you think you could stay?" The memory of that night returned to his mind... it was surprising that it had only been a week before... it seemed to have happened in another life. That short night they were both able to sleep and rest. Even if it had been for a few hours, the problems had been put aside... it had been just the two of them.

Danny smiled, not missing the paradox: he didn't dare ask either, but he wanted to stay here and take care of Steve; otherwise, he knew he would be tossing and turning all night, worried, and none of them would be able to sleep. He got up and leaned over his friend, saying, "Of course, babe... Come on... let's go to bed." His hands gently pushed Steve until his head rested on the fluffy pillows. The man sighed and closed his eyes. Danny got up slowly, carefully arranging the sheets to cover his friend's body; He walked around the bed and lay down on the other side. Steve turned and settled next to him; his eyes opened again to look at Danny. Then he closed his eyes again and whispered, "Thanks, Danny!"

* * *

A dim light entered through the window when Catherine woke up. She curled up for a moment, trying to sleep again, but suddenly she was startled to realize that Steve had been very quiet during the night. She had thought that, again, she would have to enter to help him to wake from a particularly terrifying nightmare. She got up quickly and walked to the door; She knocked the door gently a couple of times and leaned closer to listen: Nothing... just silence. Slowly, her hand took the doorknob and turned it carefully, to avoid making a noise. She opened the door and got in. When her eyes adjusted to the gloom, she looked at the bed and stopped. Steve and Danny were fast asleep, both lying on their sides; their foreheads almost touched each other and they both seemed to breathe each other's breath . She smiled, tiptoed back on her steps and entered her own room, closing the door softly.


	12. If we do this, we do it together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading. This chapter took a little longer because I had to do a lot of research regarding the treatment of military PTSD. I've talked to some doctors and researched at various treatment centers and clinics. Still, please note that I'm not a doctor and that there may be inaccuracies regarding symptoms and treatment. Also, please note that I don't know the Hackensack VA Clinic or aware of the service they offer regarding treatment for PTSD. What is shown in this chapter is the result of my research with a broad creative license.  
> Also, if you have or know someone with PTSD, please see a specialist who can help you.  
> This chapter has a little reference to suicidal thoughts. please don't read if this represents a trigger for you. Once I said that... please enjoy yourself and let me know what you thought.

**CHAPTER 12:** **If we do this, we do it together.**

Danny opened his eyes slowly and a soft smile appeared on his face; After blinking a couple of times to make his vision focus and his eyes adjust to the light, the first thing he saw were those impossibly long eyelashes in those closed eyes. Steve's head rested on Danny's pillow, less than ten inches from his. The expression on his face was calm and restful, without all those lines that used to appear on his forehead, between his eyebrows and the corners of his eyes when he was awake; he suspected that also when one of the usual nightmares interrupted his sleep; But not today...

Danny had no idea what time it was, and he couldn't find out because he had forgotten his watch and phone in his room; he assumed it was still early, because the light that had awakened him was soft and dim; Anyway, they had nothing to do this morning, so a lazy couple of hours wouldn't hurt; His desire to fall asleep again conflicted with the need to relieve his bladder. He turned slowly and sat on the edge of the bed, trying not to wake his partner; He got up and walked to the bathroom, entered and closed the door quietly.

When he finished, he looked in the mirror for a moment. His hair was hopelessly tousled and there were dark circles around his eyes, but he felt strangely calm. He smiled again and turned on the tap to wash his hands. On the counter was Steve's toothbrush and toothpaste. He shrugged, grabbed them, and began brushing his teeth. Five minutes later, he opened the bathroom door again and looked at the bed. Steve had not moved, so he returned and lay down next to him. For a moment he focused on watch the man in his sleep and enjoying the unusual calm, gradually, his eyes closed again.

He woke up a second time ... The sun was already high in the sky and the bed was surrounded by warm light. He felt Steve start to move and those hazel eyes opened and looked at him. At first he seemed surprised, but a few seconds later he relaxed and a shy smile appeared on his lips. They stared into each other's eyes for a long time, saying nothing. Then Steve's right hand moved and wrapped around Danny's hand, which was resting on the mattress, in the small space between them. He squeezed that hand gently.

Danny began to move his head forward, slowly and imperceptibly, inch by inch, as if Steve's gravitational force pulled him inexorably. He didn't realize Steve's head movement reflected his, until they met halfway. Their lips barely touched, but an electric whiplash seemed to run down his spine; Instinctively, his eyes closed. The contact lasted only a few seconds, until they both moved away and looked at each other again.

* * *

Surprise clouded his numb mind even more. This couldn't be happening, could it? ... it was too good to be true, so he attributed it to a dream. Anyway, his subconscious mind had created the most unlikely scenarios for his dreams; although this time he was grateful. This dream was infinitely more pleasant than all those nightmares that had haunted him the past few months.

He opened his eyes again, but his partner had not disappeared and was looking at him with a smile on his lips. His smile came back and, for a moment, he allowed himself to plunge into that infinite blue sea full of nuances that were Danny's eyes. Then he leaned over and, one more time, kissed those incredibly soft lips.

This time, the contact was less tentative... more confident. As if he suddenly discovered that his partner, his best friend shared those same feelings that had intrigued him for years, and that had been dormant for much longer. Danny brought his chest close to his, until there was no space between them and wrapped his arms around him until he felt Danny's fingers caress the skin on his back.

Steve's left hand was trapped under his body, but his right hand rose and cradled Danny's jaw; his thumb began to gently caress that cheek, while his tongue began to lick tentatively. Danny's lips parted and the kiss deepened. He tried to keep it as long as possible, but eventually, the need for oxygen made Danny move away.

Steve's lips tried to chase the kiss, but those hands that had hugged him a second before, now gently pushed him away. Danny's gaze changed from moment to moment, making Steve frown, suddenly fearing he was wrong.

Maybe Danny realized the colossal mistake they were making... maybe his partner thought it was all the result of lack of sleep and accumulated stress... Steve's brain rebelled... this, what they had shared In those brief minutes, It wasn't a mistake, not for him. But if the other man wanted to back off, he would give him that. With a confused look, he started to sit on the bed, turned to the other side and said, "Sorry... I didn't..."

"No, Steven... don't you dare apologize... I hope you don't regret it because that was... incredible." Danny was trying to catch his breath as he spoke; He reached up and took Steve's chin to force the other man to look at him. "Listen to me... I love you. Do you understand? And, for that kiss, I suspect that the feeling is mutual... but we need to stop, we can't do this... not now."

Steve's frown grew even more; the lines deepened on that forehead again, reflecting the pain and confusion that invaded him; he stuttered when he answered, "But why, Danny?" He wasn't being obtuse, he really didn't get that, so he asked: "If what you say is true and we both feel the same... don't we deserve to have something good at last?"

Without letting go of Steve's chin, Danny nodded and replied, "Yes... we do. We both deserve it. We finally deserve to be with the person we've wanted to be with for so long. We deserve to stop fooling ourselves and finally allowing ourselves to be happy. But this..." Danny's other hand drew an imaginary circle in the space between them, "This is too important to screw it up. Whatever happens between us is not a reward or consolation prize for all the bad things that have happened to us. This is about us and our lives... and I think we need to solve the underlying problems, before venturing into something that could complicate everything even more... and trust me, sex would do that."

Part of his brain agreed with Danny's reasons... But his body and heart were something else; He was desperate to feel something good. Then, he shook his head several times and began to ask, "So... you say you love me, but... don't you want...?" He didn't understand the mischievous smile that was drawn on Danny's face... the confusion grew... at that moment, nothing seemed to make sense.

Danny replied with all the conviction he could muster: "Of course I want to, you fool... I've wanted for a long time... but I also want us both to be in a better place when we do that... because once we start, I don't think it can stop... I want us to do it for the right reasons. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, babe, in any way I can have you. But if you're on board with this... trust me, nothing would make me happier. All I'm saying is maybe we should wait and solve what needs to be solved first."

Danny's piercing gaze seemed to pierce him, warming his heart, when he heard him say, "Though, on second thought, you didn't say it..."

He frowned again, without understanding. This morning, the synchrony that was always so natural between them, seemed to have escaped through the window. Danny smiled again and said, "You didn't say it... I told you I love you, but you didn't say it back... it's the protocol, you know?"

He finally understood and his lips curved slightly, his hand again stroked Danny's jaw, as he looked him in the eye and said, "I love you too, Danny... You can't imagine how much..." He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Danny's... the tip of their noses touched slightly... they both breathed deeply, closing their eyes. A few seconds later, a couple of knocks and Catherine's voice on the other side of the door forced them to move away. "Steve?"

Steve turned around quickly and sat on the edge of the bed, as Danny got up, passed his hands through his hair, trying to fix it and looked at the door, just as Steve said aloud, "Come in, Cath..."

The blush covered Danny's cheeks when she opened the door and poked her head in, "Good morning, boys...!"

Steve got up and looked at her with a smile. "Morning, Cath," he replied as he walked to the bathroom. When he passed next to her, he leaned down and kissed her cheek. When the bathroom door closed, Danny started to walk towards the door, trying to escape the situation, but Catherine grabbed his arm and said quietly. "Sorry... I didn't want to cause an awkward moment."

With his cheeks still flushed, he smiled at her and said, "You didn't. Don't worry." He tried to resume his walk, but she squeezed his arm. He turned around and looked at her as she said quietly, "Listen Danny... Don't run away from me... I'm not the enemy here... I know what's going on with you two... or at least I think I know. And it's okay... it's great, actually". She stared at him, so he nodded and kept listening as she said, "It's great that you both finally admit what you feel... I know it will be difficult for both of you, but Steve needs you Danny and you need him. Just be there for each other... I'll be gone in a few hours... I'll always be there for him and he knows it. But he doesn't need me... not the way he needs you. So I'll tell you what that you once told me, remember?"

Danny frowned trying to remember, so she explained, "You told me you don't just walk away from the kind of relationship you have... You told me Steve was the best version of himself when I was around... But you were wrong, Danny. You have no idea how wrong you were... Because he's definitely the best version of himself with you here. You have no idea of the abyss he sinks into when you're not around... So please listen your own advice and stay..."

He walked over and hugged her, "I will. I promise Cath... and you, promise me you´ll stay safe and be in touch."

She moved away and smiled again, "I will, Danny."

* * *

Steve parked the rented Honda in the first empty spot in the Prospect Plaza parking lot. The long gray three-floor building seemed more imposing than he had imagined, he was nervous and he could feel his heart pounding in his ribs. He turned off the engine and rubbed his wet hands against the fabric of his pants. Danny was sitting next to him, reached out and gently pressed his forearm in support. Catherine wisely remained silent.

The three of them walked towards the glass doors at the entrance. They approached the reception, where a cute 25-year-old girl smiled at them. Steve took his wallet out of the back pocket of his pants and pulled out his military ID. He gave it to the girl, saying. "Good afternoon, my name is Steve McGarrett. I have an appointment with Dr. Robbins."

After checking her computer screen, the girl gave his ID back, while saying, "Of course, Dr. Robbins' office is on the second floor." Steve took his I.D. and put it back in his wallet. "Thank you", he said, and began to walk to the stairs.

They entered a small office, lit by a dim warm light. To the left was a small waiting room with four armchairs surrounding a glass table, partially covered by medical magazines and brochures. To the right, next to a dark wooden door, was a desk, where a nurse in an impeccable white uniform was working with her eyes fixed on her computer monitor.

As she saw them come in, the woman looked up and, in a serious, professional voice, asked, "Good afternoon, can I help you?"

Steve took a deep breath, trying to control his anxiety, and said, "Yes, thank you. I'm Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett. I have an appointment with Dr. Robbins."

The girl looked at the screen again and nodded: "Commander, Dr. Robbins is finishing with a patient. Please take a seat. He'll be with you soon."

Danny and Catherine walked to the couches and sat down. Steve remained standing, leaning against the wall and tilted his head, focusing his gaze on the complicated pattern on the carpet.

Soon after, the door opened, and a man came out. Steve studied him thoroughly, as he stopped and shook hands with a younger guy. Dr. Robbins was about 55 years old, wearing a white robe over a striped shirt and black pants; the knot of his grey tie was somewhat crooked and he wore metal-rimmed glasses that rested on the middle of his hooked, prominent nose. His gray hair and beard reminded him of a Navy Commander he met in his senior year in Annapolis.

Steve saw the other guy. From the posture and movements, he deduced that the guy was a soldier. He was standing with his back rigid and nodding for the doctor's recommendations constantly repeating, "Yes sir." As he said goodbye, Robbins handed him a sheet of yellow paper folded in half. Steve couldn't help noticing the tremor in the boy's hands. Briefly, he wondered if he looked as lost and frightened as that guy.

When the young soldier left, Dr. Robbins' eyes focused on him as he approached and asked, "Commander McGarrett?"

Steve nodded and held out his hand to the other man. The handshake was firm. He always wondered why he gave so much importance to this gesture. but that first handshake always helped him form his first impression of a person... He was rarely wrong.

He liked Robbins immediately. The man seemed a nice and honest guy, with a wide smile that reached his eyes when he said, "I'm Sam Robbins... Colonel Samuel Robbins, actually. Ken Connors told me about you..." He turned to see Catherine and Danny, who got up and walked over. Robbins approached Catherine saying, "And you must be Lieutenant Rollins."

Catherine smiled and shook the man's hand, "Yes, sir. It's nice to meet you."

Everyone's attention focused on Danny as Steve introduced him, "This is my partner. Detective Danny Williams."

After the first courtesy words, Robbins looked at Steve and said, pointing to his office door: "Come in, Commander. Let's see what I can do for you. Do you want to come alone or would you rather your friends come with you?"

Steve hesitated for a moment and his eyes focused on Danny, if Catherine or Robbins noticed the barely perceptible pleading look, they said nothing, just waited for the answer. But Danny tried to instill confidence in him and said, "Go ahead... We'll wait here."

"Okay, shall we?" Robbins preceded Steve and walked into his office. The door closed behind them.

The office was nice. The walls were covered with diplomas and some watercolors with snowy landscapes. A large open window allowed the afternoon breeze to enter and cool the room. Robbins walked around a mahogany desk in front of the window and sat in a huge black leather chair. He leaned on his back and silently pointed to the two fluffy armchairs in front of him. Steve nodded silently and sat down.

"First of all, Commander, I want you to know that this is a safe place for you. Everything you say in this room... everything you tell me is strictly confidential. I must tell you, when Dr. Connors told me about you, I did a little research. You have a great reputation, Commander, I know your resume and I know that most of the missions you led during your service are highly classified. You don't have to worry about revealing that information, as I have a High Level security clearance. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir," replied Steve. His posture on the armchair was rigid.

"I also want you to understand that you will only talk about what you need to talk about. This is your space, Commander. I need you to relax and feel free to talk to me. Otherwise, I won't be able to help you, okay?"

"Yes, sir."

Robbins smiled, showing that he was used to that initial stiffness in his patients. Trying to clear the air, he said, "First, I want you to take the 'Sir' thing from me and call me Dr. Robbins or, if you feel comfortable, you can call me Sam. How would you prefer I call you?"

Steve sketched a shy smile and said, "Well... my friends call me Steve..."

The smile remained on Robbins' face when he said, "Excellent... then tell me, Steve. How can I help you?"

Mechanically, as if reading a report to a superior, Steve recounted his problems in recent months, just as he had with Dr. Connors in LA. The man listened carefully, reclining in the seat with his hands crossed over his abdomen, he didn't interrupt even once, he simply nodded the other man to keep talking. Steve also told him about his sleeping problems and the pills Connors had prescribed, his liver transplant and anti-rejection medication, as well as radiation poisoning.

When the report was over, Sam straightened in his seat and said, "All right... Now, I need to know how you feel."

Steve frowned when he said, "I just told you..."

The man smiled, "No... you recited the situation, trying to evade your emotions. As if you were listing the results of one of your missions. That's not what I'm looking for... I need to know how this whole situation makes you feel."

"Honestly, I don't know..." Steve leaned forward as he tried to deal with his emotions. It wasn't easy for him, it never had been. "I feel... distressed... sad... I don't remember feeling so sad in my life," he thought for a moment and continued, "angry... furious, because I don't understand the damn reason why this is happening to me right now, and because not only it's related to my mother's death, but everything seems to have accumulated and reappear after so many years... Guilty."

"Good!" Sam replied, "Now we're making progress. Listen, Steve, if you try to deal with all this in a purely rational way, you're not going to get anywhere. Yes... I know," he said when he realized. the confused expression on his patient's face, "I know that what I'm telling you goes against everything you've learned throughout your military life, but that's the way it is... you need to analyze it from both perspectives: of course, the intellectual, because it's the one that will help you measure and control the other one, but the emotional side is crucial; it's important to accept what we feel, without describing it as good or bad, once you stop labeling your feelings, you begin the path to true recovery".

Sam got up and stood in front of the window to look at the street as he explained, "Many veterans have trouble adjusting to civilian life; even when many of them go from being in combat to serving on a base or from a desk, they feel out of place after dealing with combat situations. That doesn't seem to be your case, I'm sure you think you adapted to your civilian life very easily, so it bothers you so much that you're showing PTSD symptoms ten years after your transfer to the reserves. Although I'm sure these symptoms aren't the first you had since, am I wrong?" He turned around and looked at Steve.

"No... you’re not, "

"This may be because when you assumed your position as leader of your work group, your life didn't change as much as you thought. You continued to handle extremely stressful situations, similar to the ones you faced with your SEAL team. Your teammates died, perhaps even you held their hands as they lay dying", Steve stifled a sob, but Sam kept talking: "You faced failed missions and had to endure pain and guilt for not saving them... you suffered injuries and close encounters with death... and you kept bottling everything and storing it in the back of your mind. So, I have news for you... We all have a detonator and yours was your mother's job and the way it killed her... because all those horrors that you lived with your teammates, with your friends, came back when you had to see her die in front of you, and because you couldn't do anything to save her... your mind finally became saturated and we must do something to heal it."

A couple of tears slid down Steve's cheeks at that moment when he said, "And how should I do that? How should I do it without going crazy or driving those I love crazy?"

Sam sat back down, propped his elbows on the desk surface and said, "We deal with it... We break it down, we analyze it, and we learn techniques to control it by preventing it from controlling us... and yes Steve. I said 'we' because you can't do this alone, you've tried and you know it, don't you?" Steve nodded in silence.

"Well ... so there are some things I need to know, I understand that you came here because Connors recommended you, but do you have family in this part of the country?" Steve shook his head, but said nothing, so Sam talked again, "Like I said, you need someone to back you up, Steve... you can't do it alone."

Steve's voice came out hoarse when he said, "Well... I'm not alone. There's Danny... His family lives in New Jersey..."

"Your partner...?"

"Yes..." Steve hesitated for a moment, but, intuiting his inner struggle, Sam told him, "Remember this is a safe place, you can tell me what you think I need to know”.

Steve's voice was barely audible, so Sam had to lean more to hear him, "It's just... I think he's more than just my partner and my best friend... But I don't know. We just started figuring out who we really are for each other."

Sam nodded and said, "I understand... what about Lieutenant Rollins?"

A sad smile was drawn on Steve's lips when he replied, "She's great... We were together for some time, but now we're just friends... She came to Hawaii to help me, but she has to go back to work."

"Is she still on active duty?" Sam asked.

Steve shook his head, unable to hide the slight pang of concern he always felt when he thought of the dangers Catherine faced in the CIA, which were exactly the same kind of dangers that had killed Doris; Helpless, he shrugged and replied, "Not in the Navy, now she does... other work."

"Okay, then..." Sam got up from his chair and said, "So is it right to assume that Danny will be with you throughout this process?"

Steve wasn't sure how to answer that, so he said, "I don't know... I honestly hope so, but he also has to deal with his own problems... He's also been through a lot, both at work. and his family, and some of those problems are my fault."

Intrigued by the last sentence, Sam asked, "Would you mind explaining that?"

"He... is recovering from some injuries he suffered recently... he was kidnapped, tortured and shot because of my mother's last gift... Someone else wanted it and kidnapped him to get it."

"I understand ... for now, we will leave the matter that it was all your fault for another time. Would you mind if I asked him to come in, so that the three of us can talk?"

Steve did not understand the fear he felt when Sam suggested that Danny join them. His friend knew him better than anyone, but it was as if he was finally going to put all his demons on the table for the man to freely analyze them... what if Danny decided it was too much to deal with and give up? His gaze didn't go unnoticed by Sam, who walked a few steps towards him and said, "He's here for you, right? From what you said, he's been here for ten years... he flew from Hawaii for you... Don't push him away. He needs you too".

Steve understood that Sam was right and nodded in silence.

"So... can I call him?" Steve nodded again without saying a word.

Sam resumed his way to the door and opened it, Steve heard him say, "Detective Williams, do you have a minute?" He walked back to his desk as Danny entered the room, closing the door. Quietly, his partner sat on the couch next to Steve and waited.

"Okay," Sam began to speak, "As I suppose you've both assumed, Steve suffers from PTSD. Combat-related PTSD may not develop immediately; Some symptoms may appear directly after the traumatic events, while others may experience a late expression, in which symptoms don’t appear until months, even years later. In your case, Steve, the situation is mainly aggravated by two factors: On the one hand, you didn’t get help when the first events occurred, and on the other, you’ve been exposed to extremely stressful situations in your job as leader of the task force in Hawaii".

Sam turned in his chair and leaned toward a small fridge, opened it and took out three bottles of cold water, placed two of them in front of the two friends, and opened his, taking a long sip. Then, he cleared his throat and spoke again: "Unfortunately, the military code dictates that soldiers must be strong and can resist anything, especially when we talk about an elite group like the SEAL team, so they tend to be reluctant to ask for help, even when they know that the armed forces have programs to support them; Furthermore, many soldiers are traumatized again when they opt for more periods of service, thinking that combat is all they have... That is what I think is happening here. When PTSD is not treated right away, things can get very complicated".

Steve slowly sank into the armchair, Sam seemed to notice, so he said, "But... the good news is that the pain and suffering you're experiencing can get better. As long as you understand that this is not a one-day process and that you need to be completely honest with yourself and with us."

Hopelessness turned into uncontrollable anger. Furious, he got up from his chair and said: "I'm being honest here! ... I don't understand why everyone says I'm not... for the first time in my life, I think I'm being completely honest ..."

Sam stared at him without reacting to the outburst, which further angered Steve; he yelled, "What do you want to hear, huh? That every damn day I think about the possibility of eating a bullet? Well, I do...!"

His eyes went from Sam to Danny and he felt a surge of guilt when he saw the man shudder with his words; exhausted, he dropped into the armchair again and, still looking at Danny, he said, "Every single day I think about it at least once. But then I think of..."

He was silent for a moment, looking at those fascinating blue eyes. After a few seconds, Sam asked, "Then you think of what, Steve? What makes you stop?"

Steve didn't turn his head, his eyes locked on Danny's as he replied "You... I think of you. I wouldn't do that to you, Danny... neither you nor your kids... ever." Danny shuddered visibly again, but he didn't dare say anything.

Sam looked at them for a moment and said, "That's good. You have to understand that you're not alone in this, Steve... You have a family that loves you, Danny is your family." Finally, Steve looked back at Sam and nodded as he heard him explain the action plan, "I work on a Comprehensive Treatment Program for Military PTSD. I believe that your life and the happiness of both of you, are much more important than the reluctance to asking for help... and you think so too, since you're here. The program is divided into three simultaneous aspects: The first one I call Behavioral Therapy, in which you'll learn mindfulness skills, mechanisms to cling to the present, methods to help you regulate your emotions and skills to tolerate extreme emotions and anguish, along with the challenging feelings to replace them by techniques that can help you accept the guilt you feel. Once you learn how to restructure negative thought patterns into positive thoughts, you’ll take control over them and the effects they have on your emotions and behaviors."

Sam drank the rest of the water and continued, "The second aspect is called Exposition, in which I will gradually take you through your thoughts and stressful memories related to your traumatic experiences; using the coping strategies you learned during your training, and discussing event memories in an individual or groups environment. In your case, due to the highly classified nature of your missions as a SEAL, the group environment could be a problem, so I think we'll do it individually. This will allow you to reconnect with the emotions associated with your trauma and help you process these emotions while workings through your memories."

At that point, Sam's eyes met Danny's and he spoke again: "The third aspect is Family Therapy. This is where you come in, Danny. The support of the people we love is crucial in processing experiences and trauma related to combat. You can play an important role in helping Steve see the future as a bright and positive place. In turn, you will need to process your own problems related to your partner's experiences and yours as well. Steve told me that you also have problems to solve... I'm going to suggest your own sessions and treatment to do that."

Danny spoke for the first time, "But this is not about me... this is about Steve."

Sam smiled and said, "No, Danny. It's about the both of you and how you can help each other out of this. Steve can't get better if you don't, and vice versa. The support you can provide, can show you that you care for each other and love each other as you are, without judgment, which can resolve each other's negative thoughts about himself. You understand?”

The last question was directed at the two men who nodded silently. Then Sam spoke again: "Okay, then... we will have to schedule meetings for each of you separately, and meetings where the three of us talk and resolve stressful situations step by step. It's important that you understand that this will not be resolved in a short-term ... The duration of treatment will depend on the progress of each one of you, but it won't be short. Therefore, I will need this treatment to be your highest priority... without distractions. In this way, progress will be more evident".

Steve nodded silently, but Danny asked, "So, are we talking about hospitalization?"

Sam thought about the question for a moment and replied, "That is always a possibility, but in this case I don't think so, at least not at the moment. I'll meet each of you twice a week, and I'll meet both of you, together once a week. That's what I meant when I said I needed this to be your top priority. How's your employment and financial situation? Can you afford something like that?"

Steve replied first: "Yes ... before I came here, I retired from Five-0 and started the paperwork for my retirement from the Navy... I'm willing to do whatever it takes, and I won't come back to Hawaii until I solved this."

Sam smiled again, "Don't leave until the work is done, right?" Steve nodded. "And you, Detective Williams, what about you?"

Danny looked at Steve and smiled, "I also spoke to the governor and step down ... I'm going to retire" Steve looked at him surprised that he hadn't spoken to Danny about this before, so he cut him off, "But, Danny... What about Charlie?

Danny looked him in the eye and said, "Come on! I told you I had some problems to solve before coming here, right? That's what I meant. I started the process for my retirement and talked to Rachel. She and Charlie will return to New Jersey as soon as the school year ends. My parents will help me find a nice rental apartment for us, what do you think? ”Steve's eyes filled with tears again, which he abruptly brushed away with his thumb, while Sam got up from his chair and walk towards the door saying: "Then it's settled... I'll give you two a moment to talk, while I organize the schedule with my secretary."

But Danny got up too and stopped him, "Doctor..."

Sam turned around, waiting for the question, so Danny spoke, "The other doctor... He prescribed some sleeping pills, but his nightmares, panic attacks and anxiety... how will we control that as treatment progresses?" Steve smiled, trust Danny to ask what he had overlooked.

Sam replied, "For now, we will continue with the sleeping pills. Steve's medical condition means that we must be cautious about the medications. So for now, I will prescribe anxiolytics drugs and an emergency pill. On the way, we'll find out if we need to adjust the dose or prescribe something else. Okay?"

Danny nodded and Sam turned around to get out, closing the door to leave them alone for a few minutes. Steve was overwhelmed and the knot in his throat was there again when he tried to speak again, "Would you... do all that for me, Danny...? Would you leave your life in Hawaii? You won't see Charlie for a few months... are you sure?"

Danny sat back down and turned his body to look at Steve when he said, "No, Steve... I'll do that for us... like I said, I'm 100% yours if you want me. Charlie will come to live here, Grace will come from vacation whenever she can... my family is here, and we all will be here for you... especially me".

Steve lost the battle with the tears that glided down his cheeks as he said, "Thank you, Danny."

Danny reached for his hand and gently wiped away the tears with a caress that warmed Steve's heart, then put his hand on the man's chin and forced him to look at him, "So, are we doing this... together?" Danny lowered his hand and held it out for the other man to shake, Steve smiled again, shook Danny's hand tightly and replied, "Yes... together."


	13. We'll face the consequences in the morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who has read this story. Especially those who have taken a minute to comment on it. I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I hope you enjoy it too. This chapter borrows a dialogue from episode 1x09. Let me know what you think.

**CHAPTER 13: We'll face the consequences in the morning**

They stayed a few minutes on the airstrip, watching the plane disappear into the sky; That plane was carrying Catherine to God knows where. Then they went back to the car. Steve walked straight to the passenger seat and got in, slamming the door. The way back from McGuire Air Force Base passed in unsettling silence; each was engrossed in his own thoughts as the Honda went down Highway 95 and devoured the 65 miles that separated them from the hotel.

As he drove, Danny looked at Steve, who tightened his grip on the door handle and frowned; Finally Danny decided to break the silence, "You're worried about her, right?

Steve's hand loosened his grip a little, he sighed deeply and said, "I can't help it, Danny. It's like she can't figure out that, one way or another, she's getting into the same path that killed my mother".

His partner nodded, "Yes..." he said, "I get it, but you must understand... that not necessarily is gonna happen to her." Danny's right hand released the steering wheel and landed gently on Steve's thigh, he couldn't help but notice a pleasant sensation of heat rising from the point of contact and slowly loosening his lungs. "Listen..." Danny spoke again, "We've talked about this before, Catherine is a strong woman. She's able to take care of herself and, on the other hand, I think she's perfectly aware of the way things turned out with Doris... that should keep her alert and prevent her from making the same mistakes."

Steve shook his head from side to side and murmured, "Yeah... I'm not so sure about that."

Danny shrugged and said, "Well... that's what we can expect. Beyond that, you can't do anything about it, so please stop worrying, will you? Now... are you hungry?"

Steve shook his head again and said, "I don't know... what about you?"

Finally, a smile peeked into Danny's lips and said, "Babe, I'm starving!"

Steve nodded, "Okay... you want us to order something? Or we can stop somewhere."

The smile widened when Danny gently squeezed his partner's thigh before his hand took the steering wheel again, "Mmmm. I don't think so. This is my city, babe... I'll take you to a great place."

"Danny..." Steve started to protest, "I don't feel in the mood to go anywhere that is too loud... let's get something to takeaway." But Danny had already turned the wheel, taking the next exit onto North Avenue. Resigned, Steve closed his eyes and rested his forehead against the cool window pane.

A couple of minutes later he felt the car slow down and opened his eyes. Danny had stopped at a red traffic light, on the corner of McClellan St. and Frelinghuysen Ave., the first thing he saw was a McDonald's, "Please, Danny. Tell me this isn't your idea of a great place."

Danny let out a loud laugh and said, "For God's sake! Of course not."

The light changed and Danny drove at low speed, parking a little further ahead. In the opposite corner, there was a small restaurant; It had large dark windows and the facade was painted in a vibrant orange color. On a green and white sign located just over ten feet high, it was written in red letters, "Manny's, Deli & Restaurant". The memory bells finally rang, making him smile as he recalled a conversation inside the Camaro almost ten years before, when they tried to save the life of a genocidal general.

* * *

_“What is that_ _?" Steve had asked looking at the visor, where there was a half-hidden postcard behind a picture of Grace. Danny had frowned and asked in turn,_ _“What's what?”_

_“That.”_

_Even knowing that Steve wasn’t talking about the picture, Danny had said,_ _“That is a picture of Grace.”_

_“No, not that. That!”_ _Steve had ripped the postcard from the visor and showed it to Danny_ _._

_With a smile, his partner had answered,_ _“Oh! that's a visual aid. Just a reminder of a better place.”_

_Incredulous, Steve had raised his eyebrows and had asked_ _, “A visual aid? Danny, this is a postcard of New Jersey.”_

_“I know exactly what it is; I bought it, all right? What, you want to hear me say it? I'm not afraid to say it. I miss home. I'm a little homesick, okay?”_

_“It's okay. It's okay to be homesick.”_

_Danny kept arguing_ _, “I miss Sal's Steak House. I miss Frankie's. I miss Manny's.”_

_But Steve was like a dog with a bone, so he asked_ _, “Do you realize how much of your life revolves around food?”_

_Danny didn't let himself be intimidated and he replied_ _, “Do you realize how much your life revolves around armed conflict?”_

_Steve's serious face didn't change_ _, “Let me ask you a question. Where do people from New Jersey vacation?”_

_Danny thought about it for a second and said_ _, “Um, I don't know. I… I would imagine they vacation, all over the place.”_

_“Okay. And you're... you're aware the fact that perhaps many people from New Jersey vacation here in Hawaii?”_

_Intuiting where the conversation was going, Danny had said_ _, “I'm sure some misguided people do, sure, yeah”._

_Steve had nodded when he said_ _, “Okay, good. And how many Hawaiians do you think vacation in New Jersey? I can help you with that answer if you want. The answer is zero, Danny! Because nobody here, except you, wants to be there, okay?”_

_The conversation began to revolve around good Jersey native singers, until Steve cut him off to keep him from naming the song titles,_ _“Look, all I'm saying is, it's cool with me if you want to have a photo of Grace, okay, but any other additions and decorations to the interior of this vehicle, should be treated like a wiretap request, where you need my authorization”._

* * *

Steve stood by the car while reading the name of the restaurant. He wondered how he could so clearly remember a conversation that took place ten years ago, but he couldn't remember what he had for breakfast that morning.

Danny had already crossed the street but stopped when he realized that Steve was not following him, he turned around and saw his partner, standing there, looking at the name of the restaurant. He crossed the street again and approached Steve, putting his hand gently on his partner's shoulder. "Hey..." he said, to get his attention, Steve blinked a few times and looked at him.

"Are you all right?" Danny insisted.

Steve smiled and said, "You missed this..."

Danny frowned and asked, "I missed what...? What are you talking about?"

Without losing his smile, Steve said, “Manny’s… You said you missed this place... That day in the car.”

Not quite sure to understand, he asked, "That day? What day?"

Without losing patience, Steve explained, "Yes... we were organizing General Pak's security detail... You told me you missed Manny's."

"Steve... that happened ten years ago... I don't remember exactly what I said that day, but I did miss this place... Manny's was one of my favorite places to eat. Grace and I always came here when we were in the neighborhood; now you're about to find out why. Come on big guy... Let's eat. You're gonna love it." Danny's hand slid down Steve's arm, until his fingers intertwined.

Steve began to walk slowly with his partner; when they entered the restaurant, he asked, "Will you take me to the other places too?"

Danny beckoned to the maître, who came up to them and asked, "Table for two?"

Danny nodded, looked again at Steve and asked, "Other places?" They both began to walk to their table, following the guy.

Once they sat down, the waiter put a couple of menus on the table and left them alone, then Steve said, “Yeah… Sal's Steak House, Frankie's…”

Before taking the menu, Danny's hand crossed the table and took Steve's, squeezing it while he answered, "Sure, babe... Yes. I'll take you wherever you want."

Steve's eyes stuck in Danny's when he said, "I want to see everything, Danny. I want to see Jersey through your eyes. I want to find out why you love this place so much."

Steve spent most of the time looking, amused, at the way Danny enjoyed his food. He just pushed the pork ribs on his plate, trying to eat as much as he could, the food was really delicious, but he wasn't hungry. When Danny finished eating and shoved at his empty plate, sighing pleased, Steve was only able to finish half his meal and took small sips from his ice water bottle.

On the way back to the hotel, they fell into an awkward silence again. It wasn't a pleasant silence... it seemed like something was floating in the air, despite the enormous efforts that Danny had made that, for a time at least, Steve would get out of his head and focus on lighter and more mundane things.

They got out of the elevator and started walking. They stopped in the middle of the hallway, where the closed doors of their rooms were one in front of the other. Steve hesitated for a moment, when he saw Danny pull the white access card out of the back pocket of his pants. Not knowing what to say, he put his hand in his own pants pocket and pulled out a similar card. His guts were writhing at the prospect of spending the next few hours alone, but he had no idea how to say it, so he stared at the card that was spinning in his trembling hands, as if the black stripe that crossed it from side to side was the most interesting thing in the world. "I was thinking ..." Danny said, looking at the little plastic piece. "I was thinking that, maybe, we should cancel this room. I don't think we're gonna use it anymore."

A shy smile appeared on Steve's lips when he looked up and looked Danny in the eye; then he turned around and inserted the card into the slot, after hearing a click, turned the door knob and opened the door. He'd barely taken a couple of steps into the room when he felt two strong arms wrap around his waist.

He felt Danny's warm breath between his shoulder blades, through the thin fabric of his shirt, and a chill ran down his spine as he heard the soft moan of his partner, who took a deep breath and said: "God! All day I wanted to do this... "

He closed his eyes as his hands gently caressed those arms that surrounded him, until he joined his fingers with Danny's, allowing himself to enjoy the feeling for a while longer.

They were like this for a while. Then Steve turned on his heel and looked at Danny. The door to the room was still open, so he moved his right hand and gently pushed it closed. Silence and gloom surrounded them; only the dim lights of the city prevented the room from darkening completely when Steve's arm wrapped around Danny's waist and brought him closer. His left hand rested on his partner's jaw, forcing him to raise his face. Slowly, he leaned down and kissed him.

The soft touch was enough to make his pulse race and his breathing faltered; Danny's arms tightened... he felt those lips part slightly and he slid his tongue gently until it found Danny's. As they moved away, his partner smiled and muttered, "I think I could get used to this!"

Steve didn't answer… he just tilted his head and buried his nose in Danny's neck as he hugged him tightly and tried to catch the rhythm of his breathing. Danny's hands began to slide down his back, in a comforting caress that made all of his skin bristle. He pulled away from the hug and attacked Danny's lips again... This time the kiss was desperate, it's as if he wanted to immerse himself in the feeling and think only of the man in his arms and who he was to him.

At first, Danny returned the kiss, but when the bodies reacted and things started to warm up, he gently pushed Steve's chest away. "No... babe... we can't!"

Frustrated, Steve dropped his arms and turned his head, until Danny's hand approached his chin and forced him to look at him. "Listen... it's not that I don't want to... God! You’re driving me crazy here...! Steve, I want you so much it hurts... but we need to wait for things to start to get better."

Steve nodded resignedly and looked at him as he said, "I know, Danny... It's just that. I need... I need to feel more than this terrible anguish... I need to feel you. I need you Danny!"

"And I need you... more than you can imagine. But sex isn't going to magically solve things."

Steve made one more attempt, his hands began to caress Danny's arms; he could feel the desire that made his partner's body vibrate as he said, "Maybe not, but it could help."

Danny giggled nervously as he walked away from Steve, sat on the edge of the bed and asked, "You think? I'm not so sure about that... sex has this weird tendency to complicate everything." Angry, Steve sat next to him and propped his elbows on his thighs, running his hands through his hair in a desperate gesture. He took a deep breath a few times, trying to calm his arousal and asked, "So, what do we do now?"

Danny's hand didn't help, as he reached out and gently stroked Steve's thigh as he said, "We talk... we hold each other... we sleep... we can call Grace or Charlie, or all of the above, in the order you want."

Steve was silent, considering the idea of calling the children. But he felt too restless, even for that... He was sure he couldn't help crying the moment he heard their voices; Then he sighed and said, "I'd love to talk to the kids, Danno. But not tonight... I don't know if I can... why don't you call them?" he asked as he got up, walked to the bedside table and turned on the light. Then he started to walk to the bathroom and said, "Do it, Danny. Call the kids... I'll take a cold shower."

* * *

He let the water slide down his back, when he heard Danny's unintelligible murmurs reaching his ears through the half-open bathroom door. As he cleaned himself up, he couldn't help but smile when he recognized the tone. Even if Danny didn't say it, Steve could always guess when the guy was talking to his kids, just from the tone of his voice, so different from the tone he used with anyone else.

When he finished, he turned off the tap and opened the glass door, realizing that he had forgotten to bring his clothes. He shrugged and grabbed a towel, briefly rubbed his skin and wrapped it around his waist.

Suddenly, he realized that he was no longer hearing Danny's voice, so he opened the door and stood there, watching... Danny was outside on the balcony, his elbows rested on the railing, while his thumbs moved across his phone screen. A moment later, the man seemed to feel Steve's powerful look piercing his back, so he turned around and looked at him. He couldn't stop his eyes from running through that bare chest dotted with drops of water, but he cleared his throat and went back into the room, turned around to close the sliding glass doors and the heavy curtains as he said, "I spoke to Charlie, he sends his love to you... I had a hard time getting the boy to give up his idea of talking to you, but I promised him you'd call him as soon as you felt better."

When he turned again, Steve was leaning over his bag, pulling out clean clothes. Holding a white T-shirt, he turned around and looked at Danny. "What did you tell him?" he asked without being able to prevent the apprehension from being noticed in his voice.

Danny hesitated for a moment and replied, "Nothing... I just told him that we had some issues to resolve and that's what we're doing here. He's excited because he's coming to Jersey in a few months... he said he can't wait to see you."

Steve quickly put on his t-shirt and said, "I can't wait either... what about Gracie? Did you talk to her?"

Danny came up to the table and took the access card to his room, then started walking towards the door, "I tried..." he said, "but the call went to the voicemail. It's Friday, so she’s probably having a party or something... I'll call her tomorrow."

When his hand rested on the doorknob, Steve felt a tightness in his chest and asked, "Where are you going?"

Danny smiled and opened the door, "Relax, will you? I'm just going to get my stuff... I also need a shower, but all my clothes are over there. I’ll be back in a minute..."

Steve let go of the air he was holding and tried to smile, as he watched his partner leave the room without closing the door. He dropped the towel on the floor and put some boxers on. Then he picked up the towel and rubbed it over his hair. When he lowered it, Danny was standing by the door with his backpack hanging from his hand and looked at him smiling.

The man pushed the door closed, dropped his backpack, and approached Steve. He ran his hand through the damp, tousled hair, trying to fix it, while saying, "You're like a child...!" Still smiling, he put his hand on Steve's neck and forced him to bend down, to put a soft kiss on his lips. Then he turned around, grabbed his backpack, went to the bathroom without closing the door, and said, "I'll take a quick shower."

* * *

When Danny was finally in the shower, the anguish that had been latent all afternoon came back stronger. As he cleaned himself up, he was thinking of the best way to broach the subject... He knew he wouldn't sleep tonight unless he discussed it with Steve, but he could bet the guy would just evade the matter, like he used to, when they both talked about awkward issues.

After dressing, he used the towel to wipe off the condensed steam from the mirror and saw his reflection. It was obvious that he was tired, but he looked better... much better than two days ago. Being with Steve... getting the man to admit that he needed him by his side to fix his messy head... Having gotten the guy to accept Dr. Robbins' treatment, all those felt like a great victory. He knew they had a long way to go, but he finally felt they were going in the right direction. Not to mention that the two of them had finally accepted that their relationship was something else... it could be something else... Danny felt happier and lighter than he had in a long, long time.

He combed his damp hair and brushed his teeth, then he went out to the room and looked at the bed. Steve was lying on his side with the impeccable white sheet covering his legs and wrapping around his waist. His right arm was bent, with his hand hidden under the pillow, his left arm hugging his own chest. His eyes were open, but his gaze was fixed on the closet door, as if studying the whimsical lines of wood.

He didn't seem to notice Danny's presence, until the man walked around the bed and lay behind him. Danny pulled his chest to Steve's back and wrapped his waist with his arms. "Hey..." he whispered in his ear, "What are you thinking about...?"

Steve sighed at last and his left hand began to caress the soft fuzz that covered Danny's arms. "Nothing..." he said, "I was just thinking about everything Dr. Robbins said. There's a lot of work to do, Danno. It's going to take a long time... are you sure you want to do this?"

Those arms squeezed further around him, when he heard Danny's whispered answer. "I told you... I'm 100% in. And yes... I know it's a long road, but we'll walk it together."

Steve nodded and said, "Thank you, Danny."

Danny thought for a while, still hugging Steve and, deciding it was now or never, he asked, "Can I ask you a question?"

Steve's body tensed, but he didn't stop the movement of his hand on Danny's skin, "Of course ..." he said, trying to keep his voice from showing his insecurity.

Danny hesitated for a moment, but then he said, "Do you really think about it every day? I mean... What you said over there in Dr. Robbins' office froze me... have you really considered it?"

Steve rolled on his back, forcing his partner to move away. Then he sat down and leaned on the pillows. He looked Danny in the eye and answered, "Yes... I do. It's a possibility that's always at the bottom of my mind... as a quick exit. But, like I said, I wouldn't do that to you... never."

"But..." Danny's voice was hoarse from the contained emotion, "That's just looking for a reason not to, Steve... And that scares me. It scares me a lot."

Steve reached out and wrapped his hand around Danny's, stroking the skin. "I know, Danny. But that's what I have... I need to find reasons to move on and right now, the only reason I can think of is you... you and the kids, of course, but especially you. I know it's not fair to you that I tell you this… that I put this burden on you... but that's how I feel. Maybe this therapy, treatment or whatever... maybe face all my demons and defeat them... Maybe that will make me regain the desire to live... And I want to live, Danny! I want to wake up every morning, excited for what that day will bring, I want to find something new to do with my life... I want a life with you that doesn't involve more violence, destruction and death... is what I hope to get out of all this... that peace that makes me want to find new reasons because, at this moment, the only good thing in my life is you".

Trying not to think if it was right or not to ask, Danny said, "What about Mary and Joan?"

Steve sighed again, "I certainly want them in my life too, Danno. But, for the moment, they remind me of everything that happened to my mother... Yes... I know it's horrible to say, but that's what it is... Mary is linked to that part of my life I want to forget, because half of my resentment against my mother is for everything that Mary had to go through because of her... I don't know if that makes sense or not, but that's what it is... That is another thing I hope to get out from all this... to be able to build a relationship with my sister in which the ghost of my mother is not an ever-present shadow. "

Steve's phone alarm went off, startling them. He grabbed it from the nightstand and angrily pressed his thumb to silence the noise. Danny got up and walked to the table where the plastic bag with the medicine bottles was. He read the prescriptions and opened the bottles, taking out the pills. Then he walked over to Steve, put the three pills in his hand, and handed him the bottle of water.

Resigned, Steve put the pills in his mouth and opened the bottle, taking a long sip. He closed the bottle again and put it on the bedside table, while complaining quietly, "I hate this!"

Danny smiled, bent down to turn off the lamp and walked to his place on the other side of the bed. He lay down, pulling the sheet to his chest and tentatively approached Steve, saying, "So what do you think about the plan? I mean... about that plan of holding and sleeping. Sounds good?"

Steve smiled and re-settled in Danny's arms, saying, "Well... it's not exactly as I imagined it, but I'll take what I can get."

Sighing, Danny kissed Steve's neck as he hugged him again, and whispered, "Yes... I know. Me too. Good night Super SEAL."

Beginning to feel the effect of the pills, Steve closed his eyes and said, "Good night, Danno."

* * *

The bed began to shake, waking him up. During the night, he had rolled on his back and Steve's head rested on his chest. His body was shaking, and his breathing was agitated... "Danny!" Steve said in a distraught voice... "Not Danny! Don't go... stay with me!"

Danny hugged him as he tried to wake him up, "Shhh. Steve... Babe, wake up... I'm here..." Steve's eyes opened with an expression of terror, he looked around and frowned trying to understand. Again, Danny tried to calm him down, "Steve... Wake up. It’s ok... Danno's here."

Finally, his eyes focused on his partner's and whispered, "Danno...?" then those arms tightened around him, almost suffocating him. But Danny didn't care... deciding that breathing wasn't as important at the moment as helping Steve back from his nightmare. He kept cradling that shaking body, while his hand caressed the sweaty hair and repeated: "It's okay... I'm here... it's okay."

Steve's breathing and pulse gradually returned to their normal rhythm. Finally, the man raised his head and looked at Danny. His pupils were dilated and only showed a thin hazel color circle around them. The intensity of the emotions Danny could see in those eyes was indescribable. Finally he gave up. _"To hell with being the voice of reason!"_ He thought, Steve needed him and he would be there for him, in every possible way. He leaned down and kissed those lips with fury and desperate passion, adjusting his body to cover that body he had wanted for so long.

Steve's hands quickly reached under his shirt and began to caress his bare skin... _"To hell with everything!"_ he repeated to himself, deepening the kiss. They would face the consequences in the morning.


	14. Life on life's terms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. This chapter is especially emotional. I lovingly dedicate it to McDannoPrincess23 as a late birthday gift. Happy birthday girl! Everyone, Mahalo for reading! and please, let me know what you think. This chapter borrows some dialogues from the canon, so, spoiler alert.

**CHAPTER 14: Life on life’s terms**

Steve felt an electric shock running down his skin when Danny's body covered his, when the man kissed him… he didn't remember having been kissed like this before. Slowly, he settled on the mattress to allow their bodies to fit together perfectly... until there was no space between them. He had never felt anything like this before... the invasion of Danny's tongue inside his mouth caused a heat wave that slid inside him like a burning lava that dragged everything in its path, quickly pushing away that horrible nightmare.

Without fully understanding the reason, he let himself go, allowing himself to feel... excited by the way Danny took control and gave him just what he needed. His hands slid down his partner's back, feeling the muscles tighten under the skin. He closed his eyes, overwhelmed by the closeness, as his fingers stroked up and down, feeling the skin stand on end. Suddenly Danny's head moved back, breaking the kiss and forcing him to open his eyes. They looked at each other for a moment, silently communicating the feelings that were accumulating and struggling to get out.

His hands, which seemed to have a mind of their own, grabbed the edge of Danny's shirt and pulled up. The man smiled, sat up until he was astride him, knees on either side of Steve's hip, and raised his arms. Without breaking eye contact, Steve's hands slid up Danny's sides, gently stroking his arms as he took off his shirt and tossed it aside. Slowly, his fingers caressed that bare chest tangled in the soft layer of tan hair.

Seconds later, his own t-shirt disappeared thanks to Danny's skillful hands. Steve was shocked for a second when he recognized the intense look in those dilated pupils... it wasn't the first time Danny had looked at him like that... with hunger and desire. But the other times, his partner had looked away, trying to regain control of himself. Now the man looked at him bravely, grateful that he was allowed to have what he had wanted for so long; his fingers slowly outlined the tattoos on his shoulders despite the dim light... it seemed like Danny had memorized each of the colorful details and the numerous scars that had damaged them over the years.

The rest of the clothing disappeared just as quickly, and the man leaned over him again, resting his elbows on either side of Steve's shoulders; Danny's right leg moved and pressed between his, forcing him to pull them apart... Steve couldn't help but moan from the bottom of his chest as the contact and friction intensified; He arched his back and tilted his head back as Danny's mouth began to kiss and lick his neck.

His heart was pounding, as if wanted to escape his chest; The perfectly synchronized gasp kept pace with the thrust of their hips. Steve's hands slid down Danny's back, until they reached the curve of his butt, pressing to draw him impossibly closer... the man gasped louder as his movements accelerated and became erratic.

The familiar sensation accumulated under his belly and exploded, radiating heat throughout his body as he exhaled his partner's name in a sigh. Danny pushed a couple more times and his whole body contracted... buried his face in Steve's neck and from his throat escaped a drowned growl, mixed with a barely repressed cry, "Oh God! I love you Steve...!"

The movements slowed down at the same time as they both tried to catch their breath. Steve's arms wrapped tightly around Danny's waist, while his partner's fingers gently caressed his hair and his lips left soft feather-like kisses on his jaw and neck. An immense sense of peace settled on his chest.

They hugged each other in silence and their eyes closed for a moment. Steve smiled... He would have bet Danny would be loud and chatty during sex, but this unexpected silence surprised him: Danny made love the same way he did everything in his life, with overwhelming intensity and passion... but the energy that characterized him and that always seemed to flow from him in the form of loud complaints and sudden arm movements, seemed to have focused on scorching kisses and urgent caresses, without leaving enough space or time for words.

After a while, Danny started moving, but Steve's arms tightened the hug more. Danny let out a nervous giggle, "I need to move...!"

“Mmmm, No...!" Steve whispered, "Don't go... I'm comfortable here!"

After another laugh, Danny tenderly kissed Steve's lips and said, "Me too, but we need to clean ourselves or this mess will dry out and become very uncomfortable."

Reluctantly, Steve loosened his grip and Danny slipped from the bed to the bathroom without turning on the lights. With his eyes closed, Steve listened to the water and, a minute later, smiled when he felt Danny's hands on him. The man passed a warm, wet towel over his chest and abdomen. The mattress sank down beside him when Danny returned to his place on the bed and rested his head on Steve's chest, who was already beginning to snore softly.

Automatically he put his left arm on Danny's shoulders and pressed a kiss to his blond hair, then he whispered, "Good night, Danno."

Danny kissed Steve's chest and said, "Have sweet dreams babe... I'll see you in the morning."

* * *

The phone vibrated insistently on the nightstand, waking them up. Reluctantly, Danny reached out and took it, put it to his ear, and replied, "Williams..."

Steve lay down on the bed and turned to see his partner grumble as he monosyllably replied to whoever was on the other end of the line. He decided this was definitely his favorite Danny: tousled hair, sleepy eyes, a slight blush on his cheeks... and naked... he decided that a naked Danny next to him was definitely his favorite, so he allowed himself to enjoy the show.

A minute later, Danny pressed the screen and finished the call, turned to look at Steve and smiled. "Hey..." he said.

"Morning, Danno". With his head still on the pillow, Steve looked at him cautiously, trying to decide if approaching Danny and kissing him would be too much, but his partner rolled his eyes and leaned over him, placing a soft kiss on his lips. "Good morning babe..." he said hoarsely and, trying to hide his concern, he asked: "You okay?"

Steve sat on the bed, leaning back against the pillows, "I don't know ...", he answered honestly, "I guess I'm tired. Last night it was ... a little… hectic."

Danny smiled sympathetically, "That would be an understatement, babe..."

Steve nodded, blushed a little, and said, "Yeah ... but it definitely ended better than it started."

Danny giggled and said, "Yeah... I think I agree with that... That was my mother on the phone." Steve raised his eyebrows at a silent question, so Danny spoke again: "The other night, while you were showering, I asked her to help me find an apartment, she said she may have found some interesting options, near Prospect Plaza, and she wants us to come with her and see them this morning, what do you think?

Steve reached out and took the phone, which was still in Danny's hands, turned on the screen and checked the time: "I can't, I need to be in Dr. Robbins' office in two hours."

"Oh yeah! I forgot..." Danny said, "I'll tell you what we'll do. If that's okay with you, I'll ask Mom to meet us at the hotel restaurant for breakfast ... Then she and I will go to see those apartments and you'll go to your appointment with Dr. Robbins, does that sound good?

Steve felt a wave of fear, he wasn't so sure he was ready to meet with other people... he felt too exposed and vulnerable. He thought about it for a moment and decided he should start somewhere... and he liked Clara... she was... very... Williams, so he suppressed his fear and said, "Okay... sounds like a good plan."

Half an hour later, a smiling Clara entered the restaurant and walked decisively towards them. Steve stood up just in time to welcome her into his arms. The hug was intense, to say the least. Despite the height difference, he placed his hand on the back of his head, forcing him to lean down and hide his face on her shoulder. "Steve..." she whispered in his ear, "it's good to see you!" He felt the tears accumulate, but he quickly suppressed them, cleared his throat, and replied, "It's good to see you, Clara. You look beautiful."

When they moved away, Steve could see that her eyes were wet, but he was grateful that she hadn't mentioned anything about everything that had happened in the last year. He was tired of seeing compassion and sympathy on people's faces when they found out about Doris' or Joe's death. Suddenly he felt a pang of envy that he immediately suppressed: Clara's gaze was exactly as he had always wished his mother's gaze was at any of their brief encounters in recent years. But instead, Doris had insulted him, beaten him, and some of her last words had been that, if they survived, she could kill him herself for ruining his plans. Yes... she said she loved him just before she died, but that couldn't erase the pain and frustration.

He felt anxiety build up in his stomach, but he took several deep breaths and managed to control it. He wasn't going to let Clara see him lose control. The awkward moment ended, and the three sat down, sharing their breakfast in the middle of a joking conversation... just what he needed.

They said goodbye at the door of the restaurant, she hugged him again with the same tenderness and whispered to his ear, "We’re all here for you..."

He moved away and, with a half-smile, he said, "I know..."

Danny put his arm around his mother's waist and told him, "Call me when you're done... if you want, we'll meet for lunch."

Steve felt a strong need to kiss and hug Danny, but instead, he put a hand on his partner's shoulder and pressed gently as he said, "I will. I'll see you guys."

* * *

With a deep sense of anguish, Danny observed Steve as he walked away; when the man turned the corner, he looked at Clara who looked at him inquisitively. As they walked to the car, she began to speak, "So, how is he?"

Danny shrugged and replied, "Honestly, I'm not sure. He's a mess, Ma."

She stopped and looked him in the eye, "That's why you're here, Daniel. What Steve's going through is serious, but he's gonna fix it. He'll need time and all the help we can give him to figure it out. But he's strong... and most importantly, he's worth it, Daniel."

"Yes, Ma... I know he's worth it, but it's frustrating to realize how little I can do for him. He has to do all the work and all I can do is be here for when he wants to talk... and believe me, that doesn't happen very often."

She raised her hand and cradled his cheek. "That's not a little, Daniel... That's exactly what he needs, that you're here. I think it's time for you to stop denying what you’re worth, son."

Clara looked him in the eye for a moment and Danny felt exposed… he tried to look away, but she pushed his face and forced him to look at her. "Something is different..." she finally said.

Danny blushed, he couldn't help it. "I don't know what you're talking about..." he said in a futile attempt to hide his embarrassment.

"I think you do... Something between you two is different now than it was two days ago, when you went to meet him at the airport... You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but you can't fool me, Daniel."

Danny sighed and started walking again, maybe it would be easier to tell her if he didn't have her look stuck in his eyes, "You're right..." he said after a while, "Everything is different now... I'm not entirely sure what it is, but everything has changed."

"And?" she insisted.

Danny sighed again and said, "Steve and I are together now... we have… a thing. I think we've had it for some time, but neither he nor I had the courage to admit it before. Now, we have finally understood that this... thing is stronger than us and there's no point in fighting that. So, we've decided we'll try... I think."

"You think..." she said.

"It's complicated..." Danny said, then, he looked over the incredulous expression on his mother's face and said, "Jeez, Ma! I don't know, okay? None of us had ever been interested in another guy before... we have to understand what this means before we can explain it."

"And do you think you'll understand it sometime in this century?" She asked, in a mixture of maternal love and sarcasm.

"Yeah... I think we're on it. What I can tell you is that I think this change is good... it's really good, actually."

* * *

Steve was nervous. His leg jumped constantly while sitting in the waiting room and he spent time flipping through a magazine that talked about Marlin fishing on the island of Bermuda. Finally, the door opened and a smiling Sam poked his head out and said, "Come in, Steve."

They sat opposite each other in the armchairs and Sam asked, "Well...? How are you today?"

"I'm not sure..." Steve began to reply, trying to take a few seconds to put his thoughts in order, "Last night I had another nightmare..." He said confused, "Dr. Connors told me that the pills would help me sleep without dreaming, but that only happened the first night ... after that, the nightmares are not gone".

Sam leaned over the backrest and said, "It is important that you understand that this is a gradual process. There will be better days than others, the important thing is your constancy. Meds are not magic, so, as it improves, PTSD symptoms gradually decrease. You must learn to recognize and control them step by step. At first it will be difficult and there will be times when stress will overwhelm you... If that happens and you feel too anxious, or have a panic attack that you cannot control, just take one of the emergency pills, okay?"

Steve nodded, and Sam asked, "So how did you control it this time?"

Steve blushed deeply and stammered as he answered, "Well..." he cleared his throat and said, "uh... Danny helped me."

Sam smiled sympathetic, "I understand... I'm not sure it was the best idea, but it seemed to work."

Steve shook his head and asked, "Why wouldn't it be a good idea?"

Sam smiled, "Because sex with the person we love generally involves a lot of collateral emotions and not everyone can handle them. This time it helped, but it probably won't always be that way. So it's important that you don't use sex to get out of your head... You have to learn to identify, understand and control your own triggers..."

"So, sex is off limits?" Steve asked nervously.

"No, if you don't think it's the equivalent of your emergency pill. Because if that's all it is, it's not only going to slow your own progress, but you're going to hurt Danny along the way, you know?"

"I would never do that..." Steve said, "Danny is the most important person to me, I would never use him. What happened last night was... Inevitable. We had repressed it for a long time, but it wasn't just sex... we connected to each other, and it was amazing... it was never like this with anyone else. "

"Listen to me Steve..." Sam leaned forward and said, "There's no 'normal' way to react to what is happening to you: each person is different. So, I don't want to be the one to forbid you something you think it's good for you. So, as long as you understand that sex is not a magic wand that clears up problems, you'll be fine... Just stop for a second before starting an approach, reflect on whether you're doing it for the right reasons. The same goes for him... "

Sam got up from his chair and walked to the fridge, pulling out two bottles of water. He returned to his chair and handed one to Steve while saying, "Look, some people try to suppress or forget the problem by distracting themselves with other activities, some people hide behind excessive work or sports... others use drugs... others find their refuge in alcohol. These outings obviously make things worse. Fortunately, that's not your case, plus you have the advantage that Danny knows what's happening to you and he wants to help, but the risk of having sex is that he could feel confused, rejected and unsure about what he can do to help you and that can make him offer sex as an alternative... you can't let this happen, okay? This phase of your relationship with him is new... and that's good, just make sure you build it on a solid foundation... that's all I'm trying to say here."

Steve nodded silently and thought for a moment about what Sam had said, until the doctor said, "Okay... now, the first thing we should do is identify the moment when it all started, so we can continue from there... "

"Okay…" said Steve, trying to concentrate, "I told you Joe died last year. I think that's where this downward spiral began."

"No... that was your first trigger, Steve. But I think I'm not mistaken when I say that the first traumatic events that have brought you here, happened a long time before that, so let's start at the beginning. Tell me about your childhood..."

He shook his head and frowned, "What do you want me to tell you?" he asked.

Sam took a long sip and said, "I don't know... The first thing you can think of."

"Okay... I was born and raised in Oahu... My dad was a cop and my mom was a schoolteacher... Well, we all thought so. When I was six, my sister Mary was born..."

Steve spoke and spoke for the next 90 minutes.

* * *

When he left Robbins' office, it was after noon. He felt physically and emotionally exhausted. Walking the paths of memory had not exactly been comforting; The feelings he always tried to forget brought back the pain and now saturated his mind. His phone vibrated with a text message from Danny: "Hey... how did it go?"

"Good... I think." His fingers refused a longer answer. A second later the phone rang with Danny's ringtone.

He put the phone by his ear, "Hey..." he said, as he walked back to the hotel.

Danny tried to poll his mood, "Hey, babe... everything’s all right?"

He tried to use his normal tone of voice when he replied, "Uh... Yeah. I'm just tired. I'm on my way back to the hotel. I think I'll try to get some sleep."

Danny sounded disappointed when he replied, "But... I thought we'd have lunch together."

He immediately felt guilty, but he wasn't in the mood for anything, so he said, "Yes... I know. Please excuse me with your mom. I'm tired, Danny, but I'll make it up to you, I promise, okay?"

"Okay..." Danny's voice sounded strange, "I'll see you at the hotel in a few minutes."

"No. Danny! Go have lunch with your mom. I just need to sleep, it's no big deal. Spend some time with your family and I'll see you this afternoon, okay?"

But Danny still hesitated, "No... I don't like it."

Contrary to what he expected, his voice was irritated when he said, "Look, Danny. This will take a long time. You need the freedom to be able to do whatever you want without watching me all the time, or you'll be bored quite soon. Go, have lunch with your mother and I'll see you this afternoon."

He heard Danny's deep sigh before he answered, "Okay... will you call me if you need anything?"

"Of course. Enjoy your lunch," he said, as his eyes scanned the sky. The temperature had dropped in the past few hours and the sun had been hidden behind a thick layer of dark and threatening clouds. He buttoned his jacket and kept walking, deep in thought... he crossed the main entrance of the hotel when the first drops of rain began to fall.

Half an hour later, he had taken off his clothes and lay on the bed, wearing only his boxers and a T-shirt. Memories continued to haunt him, and the voices piled up in his head, with an increasingly unbearable echo.

* * *

_“Joe got you into the Army-Navy Academy. Mary's gonna stay with Aunt Deb. So you guys will only be a few hours away from each other.”_

_“I just started junior year. Why are you doing this?”_

_“It's not safe for you here anymore. You have to go now.”_

_“You're gonna stay.”_

_“I can't leave. I still have work to do here.”_

_“You know what? Mom would've never sent us away.”_

_“Yeah, well, your mother is gone, okay? Now it's just me. Listen, I... Steve, in a couple of years, you're gonna be 18. And pretty soon you're gonna need to decide what kind of man you are._

_“What kind of man are you? You know, breaking up our family?”_

* * *

_“The case was opened on April 19th, 1992”._

_“That was the day my mother had her car accident. The day she died”._

_“Yeah.”_

_“Okay, uh, why would somebody steal my mother's accident report?”_

_“Oh, because according to this, it wasn't an accident report”._

_“What are you talking about, Chin?”_

_“It was a homicide.”_

_“You're saying that my mother was murdered?”_

_“I think that's what your father was investigating”._

* * *

_“You know, I never would've left the Island, I never would've joined the Navy, or missed every holiday, every birthday, half of Mary's life. The day that car exploded, it made me who I am. Danny, I can't just let it go.”_

_“I'm not asking you to let it go. I want to get these guys as bad as you do.”_

* * *

_“Tell me something. My father was the intended target, right? You didn't mean to kill my mother, right? You screwed up, tell me that.”_

_“Nice fantasy!”_

* * *

_“Dad_

_“I'm sorry that I lied to you.”_

_“What? Lied to me about what, Dad? What are you talking about?”_

_“I love you, Son. I didn't say it enough. Whatever these people want, Steve, don't give it to them! Don't you give it to them!”_

_“Dad? Dad!”_

_“No more games!”_

_“I swear to God, I will hunt you down and I will kill you.”_

_“My brother's dead! isn't he?”_

_“Victor, listen.”_

_“Then so is your father.”_

_“Noooo…!”_

* * *

_“Tell me about Shelburne.”_

_“I don't... I don't know what the hell Shelburne is, okay?”_

_“Your father spent a great deal of time investigating the meaning of Shelburne. I can't imagine he didn't share any of his findings with you.”_

_“You're wasting your time. What's so important about Shelburne anyway? Why do you care? You don't have any idea what Shelburne is, do you?”_

* * *

_“Sure you don't want a cup…? Steven?”_

_“No, no, thank you.”_

_“I know you have a lot of questions, Steve.”_

_“Yeah, why don't we start with Shelburne.”_

_“Shelburne was the code name the agency gave me.”_

_“I'm sorry. Agency? What agency?”_

_“Before I met your father, I worked for an intelligence program that reported directly to the Pentagon.”_

_“You were a spy?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“So all those years that I thought you were a schoolteacher, that was just...”_

_“It was a cover.”_

_“And were me and Mary just a cover too?”_

_“Shelburne was way before you and Mary.”_

_“How did you meet Wo Fat's father?”_

_“He was an assignment.”_

_“So, you were ordered to kill him.”_

_“It was a little more complicated than that.”_

_“Well, we got some time, so why don't you, why don't you uncomplicate it?_

_“Okay. Like you, I served my country. But after I got married, I left the agency because I wanted to be a mother. Unfortunately, I could change my name, but... not my past.”_

_“That's why you pretended to be dead?”_

_“When I made that choice, I knew that my life would never be the same. I knew that I would have to give up the only thing that meant anything to me, my family.”_

_“So, why did you do it, Doris? If that's even your real name.”_

_“It was the name I was born with, and the name… the name I went back to the day I met your father. And since when does a son call his mother by her first name?”_

_“Since you failed to be one 20 years ago.”_

_“I didn't see any other options, Steve. Wo Fat was looking for the person who murdered his father and he was willing to kill anyone who stood in his way.”_

_“So you faked your own death?”_

_“Yeah, I did what I had to do to protect my family.”_

_“You know, Dad sent us away, thinking he had to protect us. Then he spent the next 20 years looking for your killer. All that was for nothing.”_

_“If I had told him the truth, Wo Fat would have executed him.”_

_“Wo Fat executed him anyway!”_

* * *

_“You went to see Wo Fat. Why would you do that…? Answer my question!”_

_“Don't yell at me, please, Steve.”_

_“No, no. Don't give me the hurt feelings thing, Mom. Because A, I don't buy it, and B, I don't care. Tell me right now, what could you possibly have to say to that man?”_

_“Okay. I just wanted to look the man in the eye, who orchestrated your dad's murder. He changed the course of your life, Steve. It all started with me. If I hadn't killed Wo Fat's father, then everything would be different.”_

_“I gotta say, for a former spy, you're… not very good at this at all.”_

_“What?”_

_“Lying, Mom”._

_“If we're gonna be in each other's lives, Steve, you're gonna have to learn to trust me.”_

_“You have literally never given me the whole truth. Ever in my life. And you want me to trust you? The night Wo Fat came after you, you told me that you two struggled over the gun and he got away. That was another lie. I know for a fact that you let him go that night, Doris. Now, why don't you tell me right now why you would do something like that? Why don't you tell me right now who he is to you?”_

* * *

_“Why didn't you tell me about Wo Fat, Mom?”_

_“Because I didn't think you'd understand, and I was too afraid to find out. It was just easier for me to go than to face you, so I left. Went back to the only thing I was ever really good at.”_

_“And three years ago, when you looked me in the eye and you promised me you'd stay, but you left anyway, you knew you were gonna do that, too, didn't you? You knew and I knew, too. You want to know how I knew?”_

_“How did you know?”_

_“'Cause you did it exactly the same way you did it all those years before when you left me and Dad and Mary. Exactly the same way!”_

_“Yeah, I remember every second of that day. All right? I thought it was gonna be the last time I'd see you.”_

_“It was the last time...! for a really long time.”_

* * *

_“Being a spy wasn't the only thing you were ever good at, Mom.”_

* * *

_“Listen Joe, when we were in Afghanistan, you said you made a promise to keep me alive.”_

_“I'm surprised you remember that. You were pretty out of it.”_

_“I remember. And it wasn't till years later that I realized that promise you made, that was to my mother, wasn't it? Of course, at the time, I thought she was dead.”_

_“Even if I hadn't promised her, I would never have left you there.”_

_“I know that… I went to see my dad. Because of you, I got to spend some great time with him before he was gone. Thank you for that. More than saving my life, thank you for that.”_

* * *

_“There's something I never thanked you for. Joe, I never thanked... I never thanked you for Carlsbad.”_

_“Carlsbad? What are you talking about?”_

_“My first week in military school, when I stole that car.”_

_“Why would you go and do-do a dumbass thing like that?”_

_“Well, gee. I don't know. I thought my mother was dead, my father just... shipped me off like I was a parcel. I don't know, I just... I wanted to get the hell out of there, get back to Hawaii any way I could. You know? A 16-year-old kid gets pulled over in a stolen car, you don't... That doesn't just go away. You don't just walk away. I figured somebody made a call. Pretty sure that was you, right?”_

_“Your mother had people watching you. When she got word of the arrest, she reached out to me. Called in a few favors. I was… I was happy to do it._

_“Yeah, well. That night... changed the course of my life, Joe. If I hadn't have gotten off with that warning, I… I never would have gone on to the SEALs. To Five-0. I realized that night that somebody believed in me. Even though I'd given up believing in myself. That's it. That's what I had to thank you for.”_

_“Have you lost your mind, son? You've thanked me every day since with the man you've become. With the work you've done… The way I... looked out for you, that's the way that you... watch over the people in your life now. I couldn't be prouder of the man you've become.”_

_“I just have... one more question, Steve.”_

_“Anything… Anything, Joe…”_

_“Have you ever in your life... seen a sunset like that?_

_“No, Joe, I... I haven't. No, I haven't, Joe.”_

* * *

_“Whatever you think, stop thinking it. Yes, my mission went sideways, but I swear to you, I'm staying dark for the right reasons. Your life will be compromised in a way that I can't help you, Steve, if you don't leave this country immediately.”_

_“My life was compromised the day you walked out of it. So, now, you and I, we're gonna walk out of here together. You understand me? There's a rear entrance through this restroom. Move. Come on.”_

_“God help me, if you blow this for me and we survive, I may just kill you myself!”_

* * *

_“That's how this ends? Huh? You're gonna kill me now? Why don't you go ahead. Go ahead and pull that trigger. Confirm my instincts.”_

_“I've actually got something going on here. And now you've destroyed it.”_

_“Did you kill your partner, Ma? Huh? You're looking for a payday, and you killed your partner to get it, didn't you?”_

_“I have to get out of this life, Steve! I have to!”_

_“Oh, my God!”_

_“You don't get it, Steve. I got nothing to show for all my years in the Agency. Nothing. A whole life of… of fear and, and guilt for what? For what? What was the point of it all? I lost my husband, my children, I lost my identity.”_

_“So you went for a payday?”_

_“It's always been so… so clear for you, hasn't it, Steve? So clear, so... Everything so simple and easy.”_

_“Oh, yeah! My life's a real cakewalk, Ma.”_

_“You have no idea what this life has done to me. No idea of my loss. Stop thinking about yourself for one second and think about my loss. A government that I gave everything to that has raked every shred of good out of me for its own benefit. A family that never understood me for the sacrifices I made... for them!”_

_“You never made those sacrifices for us, Ma. I'm… I'm sorry, and I love you, I do, but I... I can't cosign this pathology.”_

_“I don't care what you do anymore, Steve, I don't, because you've just ruined my one chance that I've worked for to finally break away from all of it and do something good.”_

* * *

_“I’m her son!”_

_“Her son? You’re the one we missed in Paramillo. I admire your patience. And I thank you for your honesty. On second thought...”_

_“Mom!"_

_"You can watch each -other die.”_

_“Mom!”_

_“Hey!”_

_“It's okay, Mom. It's okay. Don't talk, okay? Don't try to talk. It's okay. I got you... I got you. Okay?”_

_“I love you so much! I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry!”_

_“I love you, Ma.”_

* * *

_“This whole thing was about, making sure you guys were set up financially. You okay?”_

_“Define "okay" for me.”_

_“You know, at the end of the day, she was trying to do something good.”_

_“I just wish she realized all she had to do was get on an airplane and come home. You know? From the minute that woman walked out of my life, the only thing I've ever wanted is to have her back in it. So, am I okay? I don't know if I'm okay, but I do know... that none of this is on our terms.”_

_“None of what?”_

_“Life. We never really get to choose how it's gonna look. Only what we do with the information when we get it. This whole Five-0 thing started with me burying my father. Then Joe White last year. Now my mother. So, I don't know how I feel, but I do know that we don't get life on our terms, Danny. It's life on life's terms or not at all.”_

* * *

The moment Danny put the card in the slot and opened the door, he knew something was wrong. The lights were off... the bed was empty with rumpled sheets. On the floor, next to the bed, there was a puddle of water between the pieces of broken glass... There was a trail of drops of blood from that place to the balcony. The curtains were ripped from their hooks and hung in disarray; the balcony doors were open.

What the hell happened? And what was worse, where was Steve? A groan from the bathroom caught his attention. His guts clenched with fear, he ran across the room and opened the bathroom door. Steve was huddled on the shower floor, swaying intermittently as his bloody hands clenched his ears. Slowly, Danny approached him and cautiously knelt to avoid scaring him.

When he touched it, he noticed that his t-shirt was wet and he was shaking uncontrollably. "Steve?..." He tried to get his attention. The man raised his head and looked at him.

Danny winced when he saw his red, tear-filled eyes, "Danno?" Steve asked in a shaky voice... "Yes, buddy... It's me."

"I’m sorry, Danno..." Steve put his forehead on his knees and resumed his movement, "I'm sorry, I... I just wanted the voices to stop... I'm sorry!"

"Shhh... It's all right, buddy!" Danny said softly, trying to reassure him, as he approached and hugged him. "Shhh... Steve... It's all right. Danno's here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you may have noticed, this chapter borrows some dialogues from 1x01, 1x11, 1x13, 1x24, 2x10, 2x14, 3x01, 3x24, 7x07, 8x24, 9x10, 9x11, 10x07, and 10x08. There is no intention of infringing copyright, I just needed them to show all the demons that harass Steve related to the life and death of his mother. (Read the disclaimer in chapter 1)


	15. The light at the end of the tunnel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! I know that the last chapter ended in a pretty dark way. Sorry! Here's the next chapter... Everything seems to be taking its own place. Thank you for reading! Tell me what you think.

**CHAPTER 15: The light at the end of the tunnel.**

Danny tried to breathe, but that helpless Steve huddled on the floor ... that scared him until he felt his breath catch... he had never felt so scared and helpless in his entire life. He tried to focus and think. The first thing he had to do was find out where the blood came from; Trying to keep his voice from betraying his nervousness, he asked, "Steve ... babe, are you hurt?"

The man raised his face and looked at him with a frown, "What...?"

Slowly Danny took Steve's hands in his and raised them up, to show him the bloodstain, "This... are you hurt?"

The man shook his head in an effort to clear his mind, "Uh... I don't know, I don't think so. I just... I think I broke a glass... I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it... let's see that, okay?" Danny said; He tried to take Steve's arm to help him up, but the man backed away until his back hit the tile wall and he instinctively pulled his hands away. Danny tried to reassure him, "It’s okay... I'm just trying to help you. I need to see how badly you hurt yourself. Let me see, will you?"

With rare docility, Steve reached out to Danny, who pulled out his phone and switched on the flashlight, illuminating the area. A piece of glass was buried deep in the palm of his hand; He checked it thoroughly, but he found no more injuries. Cautiously, he got up and searched unsuccessfully under the bathroom cabinet; then he remembered something and went slowly back to the room. He had seen enough trauma victims in his life to know that he shouldn't make sudden movements. Turning on the lights, he walked over to Steve's duffel bag and searched inside. As he imagined, he found a small first aid kit, took it, and went back to the bathroom.

He knelt down in front of Steve and said, "Buddy ... Listen. I need to remove that glass, okay?" Steve nodded without moving his hand, Danny said, "I'm pretty sure this is gonna hurt, but try to stay still, okay?" Steve nodded again.

Danny took a pair of tweezers from the kit and some alcohol gel. Carefully, he pulled out the sharp object and cleaned the wound, Steve didn't even blink. Then he wiped away the rest of the bloodstains.

After bandaging the injured hand, his eyes focused on Steve's and he asked, "Do you have other injuries?"

Steve shook his head and said almost in a whisper, "I'm just… I'm cold..."

Danny sighed and smirked, "Of course you're cold ... you're soaking wet. Come on, let's try to get up and take off your wet clothes. But I'm going to need your help here, okay?"

Steve nodded again and took Danny's hand with his unharmed hand. A moment later, he got up, his legs trembled a bit, but he seemed stable enough, so Danny asked, "Can you walk?" The man nodded and took a cautious step. Satisfied, Danny helped him walk to the room.

Steve was barefoot, so Danny avoided taking him to the bed, where he had seen the pile of broken glass, instead they walked to the table. "Okay," he said as he held up the hem of the wet shirt, "Let's take this off..." Obediently, Steve raised his arms. With all the tenderness from the experience of dealing with two kids, Danny helped him put on dry boxers and a T-shirt. Then Steve dropped into one of the chairs.

His breathing had slowed, and he looked calmer. So, Danny sat in front of him and asked, "Can you tell me what happened?"

Steve looked around the room and nodded, "Uh yeah... I'm sorry. I... I'm not sure. After leaving Sam's office... I was a little nervous... and the memories, Danny... they were like bugs in my head. When I got here, it was like they were screaming and buzzing inside of me... I tried to calm down and breathe. Then I did what Sam told me... I mean, he told me that when I couldn't control fear, I should take one of those... emergency pills, I did, but when I realized, I had broken the glass... I think I squeezed it too hard..." He blinked a few times and his eyes filled with tears again, "I made a mess. I'm so sorry, Danno!"

"No... Babe. It was an accident," Danny said quietly. "And what about that?" he asked, pointing to the curtain that hung precariously in front of the window.

Steve shrugged, "I tried to open it, but... it's heavy... I don't know what happened. I was so pissed off, Danny! So, I guess I wasn't very gentle... After that, I thought a shower would help me, but my hands were shaking... a lot... I couldn't take off my clothes and I..." He hid his head in his hands again and said hoarsely: "My God! I 'm pathetic... I'm so sorry, Danno!" He said with a sarcastic smile.

"Stop apologizing, Steve! It's not your fault, okay? In any case, it's mine. I heard you on the phone and I knew something was wrong... However, I listened to you and I didn't come here. I should. I'm sorry!" Steve shook his head insistently, but Danny kept talking: "And no... you're not pathetic. You're a man who served his country in many different ways... and in return, you received a bunch of problems you didn't ask for... you've helped a lot of people. Now it's time to let us help you... you understand? "

Steve took a deep breath and nodded while Danny asked, "So did you take one of those pills?" Steve nodded one more time. Danny asked, "Do you want me to call Dr. Robbins?" the man shrugged, and a wave of shame colored his cheeks.

"All right..." Danny said, as he got up and pulled out his phone. The questions were crushed in his head. His thumb slid across the screen and, a moment later, pressed the call button. He looked at Steve and, deciding there was no risk, he walked to the window, opened the sliding door, and stepped out onto the balcony just when Sam picked up, "Dr. Robbins."

"Doc... this is Danny Williams" Danny leaned on the railing and tried to catch his breath.

"Of course, Danny" Sam said, "how can I help you...?"

Danny cleared his throat and said, "This is about Steve..."

He quickly told Sam how he had found his partner. He was furious, everything was wrong... everything was so... unfair! His voice was peppered with anger and fear, but he didn't care, he ended his tirade asking: "What the hell happened in today's session? What did you talk about that bothered him so much...?"

Sam's tone of voice was sympathetic, but firm when he said, "First of all, Danny. Is Steve all right? I mean, besides the cut in his hand, is he hurt?"

"No... But..." Danny was about to start another diatribe, but Sam interrupted him, "Did you talk to him?"

"Yes..." he answered reluctantly.

"Is he coherent? Did he answer your questions?"

Finally, Danny understood. Dr. Robbins was trying to assess the situation, so he decided to cooperate with him and replied, "Yes."

"Does he know where he is? He understands what happened?"

"Yes..."

"Do you know if he took the emergency pill?"

"Yes... he says he took it."

"But you're not sure..."

"No..."

"All right, Danny. I need you to make sure he did, okay?"

Danny turned around while answering, "Okay... I'm on it, wait a second."

He walked back to the room and went to the bedside table, where the yellow bottle was, carefully he read the label and emptied all the contents in his hand, quickly counting the pills. He closed the bottle and returned on his steps; knelt in front of Steve... the man's eyes were almost closed. "Steve... Babe. Are you sure you took one of those emergency pills?"

Steve frowned and nodded, "Yes, Danny. Why do you keep asking me the same thing?"

He raised his hands, and said, "Okay. I’m sorry. I was just making sure." He went out on the balcony again and brought the phone back to his ear. "Hello, Doc?"

Sam quickly replied, "I'm here..."

Danny relaxed a little and said, “Steve says he took the pill. I counted the pills in the bottle… one is missing. So, I'm pretty sure he took it. Plus, he's almost asleep… ”

"Good!" Sam said, "It's the effect of the pill... He'll sleep for a couple of hours. Now... answering your question, the session went quite normally... Steve told me about his childhood in Hawaii... Nothing out of the ordinary, until he told me about his mother's accident. It seemed as if he had talked about it a thousand times... he told the story mechanically, without showing any emotion. But that's normal when dealing with military patients; like most of them, he didn't seem upset when he left my office. He just said he was tired."

"Yeah..." Danny replied, unable to suppress the touch of sarcasm, "with everything that happened, I think it would be an understatement."

"Listen Danny. There are two important things here: The first is that he took his pill ... I know the way you found him might have bothered you... but he recognized that it was an extreme situation and did exactly what he had to do. The second is that you have to understand that this is probably not the last time that he'll face a panic attack, the road is just beginning. What he and I discussed this morning in my office could have revealed more memories, much scarier for him. So we'll have to crumble those memories one by one, okay? "

"I understand..." Danny replied, "So... what can we do to prevent this from happening again?"

"All we can do is let him gradually recover. Maybe we can make sure we don't leave him alone after our sessions. And I'll pay special attention when we talk about a topic related to his mother... I think I'm not wrong when I say that this is an important trigger and a sensitive point for him.”

Danny snorted frustrated, even after she was gone, Doris kept ruining his son's life in a bunch of different ways, "No..." he said, "You're not wrong."

"All right..." Sam replied, "Now, the hardest thing is getting him to understand that he shouldn't be alone when he feels that way. Maybe it will be necessary to fight him with that, because this is part of his nature. These boys have been trained to deal with situations themselves, to retreat and lick their wounds in solitude; for them, asking for help is showing weakness. We must convince him that this is not the case, but the number of people 'authorized' to deal with this must be reduced. He's ashamed of what's happening to him, Danny. So he'll trust very few people to see him in his most vulnerable moments. Of course you're here... he trusts you. But you must share the burden... it will be too much if you try to carry it yourself; you have to make sure that there's someone who takes the post when you can't be there. Someone who loves him and who he trusts, you understand?

"Yeah... I get it."

"It's also important that he resume some of the activities he enjoys most. Now he's in a strange city... he doesn't know anyone here... I mean, besides your family. It's important that he find something to do with his time. Something that allows his mind to clear up, focusing on something else but of his problems. I understand that he enjoys exercising... or maybe he can choose some books to read or places to visit, anyway, you know him better than anyone, Danny. "

As he listened to Dr. Robbins' suggestions, Danny's mind began to come up with a thousand different plans. He could do that. He had never been someone who could just sit back and wait. Having an action plan helped him regain control.

After reassuring Sam that he would call him in the morning, Danny went back into the room and couldn't suppress a sad smile when he saw his partner. Steve's arms were folded on the table, he leaned down and rested his head on them. His eyes were closed and his torso rose and fell with the slow, steady rhythm of his breathing.

Slowly, he approached him and put his hand on his back. "Hey..." he whispered. Steve opened his eyes and looked at him. "Um..."

Danny gently rubbed Steve's back; He could swear that the man sighed and snuggled into that caress. He smiled again and said quietly, "Why don't we take you to bed, huh? Your back will kill you if you fall asleep in that position."

Reluctantly, Steve nodded and, with a grunt, started to get up. Danny wrapped an arm around his waist and brought him to the other side of the bed, to avoid a barefoot encounter with the broken glass pieces on the floor. A minute later, the man lay in bed, fast asleep.

* * *

Slowly he opened his eyes and stretched his stiff muscles. He felt like he had been in the same position for a long time, so he rolled onto the bed and looked up at the ceiling. His head throbbed with persistent pain; He raised his hand to rub his eyes... but a pang of pain ran down his arm and made him stop. He looked at his bandaged hand and the memories of what happened finally came to his mind.

He slid his body back to sit and rested his back against the pillows. His gaze ran across the room, which seemed to have returned to normal. Curtains hung from their hooks and partially covered the glass doors and window, letting in the dim afternoon light. Danny was sleeping next to him. He took a few minutes to observe him. The man looked pale and tired.

The guilt went back up from his stomach with a wave of bile that accumulated in his throat. He swallowed with difficulty. Danny didn't deserve this... He had enough in his life to carry this chaos. But he had assured him that he wanted to be here, and Steve couldn’t fool himself, convincing himself that he could do this without him. The current situation made it clear that his method was not working. Not that he was suddenly going to share his misery with everyone, but to do it with Danny, to share with him everything, the good and the bad… that felt good... Natural. Resigned, he wished that, step by step, the good would gain ground to the bad, that's all he could hope for now. He got up and walked silently to the bathroom... there were no traces of broken glass or the mess in the shower; He forced a sad smile, in a mixture of shame and gratitude.

A few minutes later, he came out with the towel in his hands and looked at the bed. He decided that Danny should get some more sleep, so he tossed the towel into the bathroom and walked to the balcony. Making as little noise as possible, he opened the sliding door and went out.

He shuddered for a second, the air was wet and cold, but it felt good, as if as it glided through his warm skin, it took away the numbness and pain. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, enjoying the smell of rain; then he took a couple of steps, bent over and, resting his elbows on the railing, devoted himself to looking at the city.

The constant noises greeted him then, car horns and sirens, some distant thunder in the sky, and music coming from somewhere across the street ... he focused on listening to the splashing of passersby's feet, running down the concrete and the constant noise of the residual dripping that rhythmically hit some metal roof over there. Down there, the asphalt was wet and reflected the multiple flickering lights of the city, which began to light up with the slow arrival of night.

Slowly, the cloudy gray of the sky gave way to the dark black of a moonless night. He looked up, trying to see the stars... he could only see some scattered spots of light here and there. Suddenly, a pair of arms gently wrapped around his waist and those hands slid up to stop at his chest, leaving behind a trail of heat that pierced the thin fabric of his shirt... a warm whisper on his shoulder said. "What are you doing here? It's cold outside... you'll get sick."

His hands rested on those other hands and pressed hard. He took a deep breath again... Feeling Danny... enjoying the way the man pressed his chest hard against his back, everything caused a hypersensory effect, which made him perceive everything around him differently; He was amazed at the natural way Danny seemed to fit into all of this. He could feel that heartbeat and hear that constant breathing that had that calming effect on him. Danny made his mind conjure up images, smells, tastes, textures, sounds... like a creative force that conjugated all his combined senses, his thoughts... his skin and his soul.

He turned around, inside the hug, until they were face to face; his arms surrounded Danny tightly, pressing him against his chest and repeatedly kissing that messy blond hair. Without breaking the hug, Danny's hands wandered down his back and a loud laugh escaped from his partner's chest. "I'm serious, Super SEAL, let's go inside... it's cold here and you're barely dressed..."

Danny began to lead them into the room; Still with his arms around his partner, Steve walked with him. Once inside and despite the limited mobility allowed by that bear hug, Danny closed the sliding door and the curtains, plunging them into darkness. They held each other for a few more minutes, until a growl from the stomach of one of them, made them move away.

Danny laughed again and said, "It's not that I'm not enjoying this... I am, but now I’m really... really starving. What about you?"

As Danny walked to the bedside table and turned on the lights, Steve sat on the edge of the bed, thinking for a moment and taking an inventory of his body. "I think I could eat," he finally said, watching Danny pick up the phone and dial the room service number.

After giving his order, Danny hung up the phone and turned around to see Steve, who looked at him with an indefinite expression. Finally, Steve asked, "Can I ask you a question, Danny?"

The man sat next to him, put his hand on Steve's thigh and said, "Of course, babe... Whatever you want."

"Why are you still here? I mean, it's a lot to deal with, Danny... I'm in a dark hole and the last thing I want is to drag you with me... you deserve better than that."

Danny gently pressed the skin under his hand and said, "I'm here because I love you... remember when I told you that, if we carry the burden together, then it's not so heavy?" Steve nodded quietly and Danny spoke again, "I meant it, Steve... and I don't just mean your burden... There's mine too, and I can't take it by myself. I need you with me. We promised we'd do it together, remember? We'll be the light at the end of the tunnel, for each other, won't we?"

Steve nodded silently, and asked, “But what will we do if the tunnel is too long?”

“We’ll take it one day at a time. Together, right?” Steve nodded one more time and Danny said, "Then do me a favor and don't ask me that again... okay?"

Steve smiled and said, "Okay... Thank you, Danny!"

"You're very welcome."

* * *

"What do you think, uh?" Danny walked back and forth, waving his arms, under the funny gaze of Steve and Clara, who were standing in the middle of the empty living room. "It's a nice neighborhood... it has two bedrooms and a studio, so there's plenty of room for us and for the kids..." Danny walked to the window and continued his excited tirade, "It has wooden floors, lots of natural light, heating and a laundry in the basement..." he pointed out to the kitchen and said, "We have a stove and fridge... and the price is not bad. What do you think?"

Steve smiled at him, he really liked the apartment. Danny had worked hard to find this place; It was located in an apartment building on Maywood Avenue, just a 10 to 15 minute walk from Prospect Plaza.

"That’s true! And don’t forget," Clara said, "our house is only 25 minutes away."

Danny walked to him and looked him in the eye, "It's surrounded by parks and gardens, you can go for a run whenever you want... and I'm sure it'll look amazing in winter, when everything is covered in snow."

Steve smiled again and, completely forgetting Clara's presence, bent over and put a soft kiss on Danny's lips before hugging him and saying, "I love it, Danno. Thank you."

When they moved away, he noticed that she was looking at them smiling and that she didn't seem surprised. A blush covered his cheeks, but, smartly, he decided to say nothing and let Danny explain the things.

They moved into their new apartment the next weekend, after making basic purchases, deciding that they would gradually buy the rest of the furniture; They placed a king-size bed in the larger bedroom, a closet, a dresser, and a huge TV. Stella gave them a small dark wood dining set with four chairs, and Bridget gave them a huge couch that Ted had bought the previous Christmas and had not fit in her own living room; They bought a bookshelf, which Danny filled with photos of the kids, and a matching desk. Clara was in charge of equipping the kitchen and supplying the pantry.

That Sunday in the afternoon, Steve was standing by the door, looking out at the sparsely furnished living room, while Danny said goodbye to his mother and sisters. After closing the door, Danny stood next to him and looked at the apartment.

"Okay... It's not much, but it's something to start with." He said in an unnecessary tone of apology. Steve put his arm around Danny's shoulders and sighed.

Concerned, Danny asked, "What are you thinking about?"

Steve sighed again and said, "I was thinking... I'm 43 years old Danny... and I've never had my own place... I mean, I spent half my life in Navy facilities around the world... then, when I came back to Hawaii, I went back to my dad's house... I know it's a great house, with the beach and all that... but it's his house, not mine. Hell! The only thing I bought for that house was my bed and the kitchen table that was shattered after the visit of that bastard who tried to kill me...! I lived in my father's house for the last ten years Danny... so this is the first time I have my own place… our place and I love it... It's perfect. But..."

Danny asked, "But...?"

Steve looked at him briefly and then looked away, "But I'm scared…” He admitted.

Danny frowned and said, "You're scared..."

Steve's arm tightened around Danny's shoulders, "Yeah, I'm scared ... I guess I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall off and that, inevitably, I'll do something to ruin everything... I don't want that to happen, Danny. I want this... I want our own place; I want to be with you."

"Then..." Danny replied, "If you want this so badly, there won't be anything that can ruin it. We're in this together, we'll figure it out, okay?"

Steve looked into Danny's eyes in a silent promise and nodded.

"Good!" Danny said, "Then... we should sleep early because tomorrow morning I have to meet with Dr. Robbins, so..."

Steve looked at that expression, it was a mixture of love and lust, combined in a mischievous look, Danny said smiling, "So what do you say if we go and put that bed to good use?"


	16. That's what family does, right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Danny's turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! I'm here. This chapter is a little longer and very emotional; it borrows some dialogs from 1x18, 5x02, 5x03, 5x04 and 5x18, there's no intention to infringe copyright, I just borrowed them to support the plot. Mahalo for reading and please tell me what you think.

**CHAPTER 16. That's what family does, right?**

As soon as he said these words, Danny regretted, remembering that he had to make sure Steve was in control before making any sexual innuendo. Steve had told him something he had discussed with Dr. Robbins that afternoon; Besides, in Danny's first two sessions with him, Sam had insisted on his warning of not to use sex as an escape route. Also, the week before had been a mess of preparations and shopping to move into the new apartment, so they hadn't had sex since the first night. They had just snuggled up and exchanged a few kisses as they talked about their day or made some plans for the immediate future.

He focused on those hazel eyes, looking for some clue... seconds later he smiled. At that moment he just found confidence, love and a touch of lust... Danny would never get used to that new look in Steve's eyes, which he had recently discovered. The laser focus was still there, like the first day... but being the target of that laser focus was completely new and incredibly exciting.

He felt his calves touch the edge of the bed as he walked backward, wrapped in Steve's arms and with those lips kissing his. The imminence of what was about to happen made his heart beat fast and his skin tingle with anticipation. Steve pushed him gently, until he dropped onto the mattress.

His partner stood there, looking at him, as if he couldn't believe his own luck. Meanwhile, Danny reached his hand to the bedside table drawer and pulled out some things, putting them on the mattress next to him. Steve smiled and put a knee on the bed between Danny's separate legs, pushing him back slowly until the blonde head rested on the pillows; he approached until he hovered over him, leaning on hands and knees, and his lips brushed Danny's again, as he whispered between kisses, "Tell me again... why did they kick you out of the Boy Scouts?"

The laughter stuck in his throat when he felt Steve's hands coming down his chest and unbuttoning his shirt... instinctively, his hands went to the edge of his partner's shirt and pulled it up quickly as he answered, "Well... they said patience wasn't my strong side. So, get this off, will you?"

Steve smiled and raised his arms, allowing Danny to finally take off his shirt. Then those hands showed their incredible abilities once again, as they manipulated Danny's belt buckle and unzipped his jeans.

Danny groaned when he felt those skillful fingers slide into his boxers to caress him gently... he had seen those hands in action countless times... defusing a bomb or activating a grenade to blow up a heavy metal door; Building an impossible artifact with gunpowder and a few twisted pieces of metal, to create an escape route amid tons of concrete debris or manipulating a variety of automatic weapons...

But those efficient lethal weapons were also capable of being incredibly loving and caring, like when holding Grace on a surfboard or buckling the seat belt around Charlie's small body.

Those same hands now displayed other abilities, unknown to Danny, at least until recently. It seemed that they would combine all the skills learned over the years and focus on driving him crazy with a simple flick of the wrist, as Steve's lips traced his, as well as his jaw and neck, leaving a trail of wet kisses on their way.

Danny was still trying to take Steve's pants off, but he couldn't seem to muster the neurons necessary for that. The man's attack was relentless, making him shudder with every touch and reducing him to a boneless mass. He finally managed to say, as his hands tugged at the irritating cloth barrier covering that irresistible butt, "I think you're... too dressed..."

Those were the last words to be spoken for a long time... in the dark room, only gasps and moans were heard, mixed with the breeze coming through the open window and gently rocking the curtains, casting shadows and rippling reflections on their bare skin.

* * *

It took him a while to realize everything around him. When the fog cleared and his brain started working again, he turned his head and looked at Steve. The man was lying on his back next to him. His chest, dotted with beads of sweat, rose and fell constantly, revealing his shortness of breath; His eyes were closed and that incredible smile divided his face... that smile that Danny hadn't seen in a long, long time... God! He hadn't realized how much he missed that smile.

His hand moved over the mattress until it found Steve's and let their fingers intertwine. There was no need to say anything... they both stayed there, enjoying the silence and the comforting presence of the other. Slowly, he closed his eyes.

* * *

Waking up was a little less calm. Danny had forgotten to set the alarm the night before. Then, after looking at the screen of his phone, he jumped when he noticed the time. The other side of the bed was empty and the rumpled sheets were cold. There was a small piece of paper on the pillow; Even with sleep-clouded eyes, Danny recognized the unmistakable Steve's writing. "Danno... I went for a run. I'll be back before you go... Love you. S."

The note made him smile, when he remembered the small collapse he had suffered a few days before at the hotel. He had woken up late, like now and, like now, the other side of the bed had been empty for some time. Danny had tried calling Steve's phone, but he almost threw his own phone against the wall when the other device started vibrating on the nightstand. He quickly put on his tracksuit pants and was about to go looking for him, when the door opened and a sweaty Steve entered the room. After making Danny understand that he was about to go outside shirtless and shoeless, they agreed that for the benefit of their mental health, neither of them would disappear without letting the other know where he was going.

He noticed the time again and jumped up; He ran to the bathroom. Steve would be proud if he'd seen him come out, exactly five minutes later, fully clothed, with the wet blonde hair slicked back perfectly. He was in the kitchen making coffee in the French press when he heard the door.

The smile was still glued to Steve's face, who, at that moment, entered the kitchen and opened the fridge to take out a bottle of water. After opening it and drinking all its contents in one gulp, he turned to look at Danny and said mockingly, "You woke up late, didn't you?"

"I blame you for that..." Danny said, there was no warmth in his voice, though; Noticing that Steve rolled his eyes, he let go of a giggle and said, "Let's just say that... Our... midnight activities... really depleted my energy reserves, not to mention the fact that I forgot to set the alarm last night." Steve smiled and bent down to kiss him briefly, leaving a paper bag on the counter.

"Yeah..." he agreed and smirked, "That was definitely a good way to use the new bed, huh? Well... I think I have something that can help you regain your energy... I found a little bakery three blocks from here... They have those cinnamon rolls that smell amazing, Danno. And since I'm aware of your timeless love affair with carbs in the morning, I decided to bring you some."

Danny groaned as the first bite of the warm, fluffy bread mixed in his mouth with the first sip of coffee... the peculiar taste and texture of the sweet dough, combined with the intense aroma of cinnamon and the bitterness of the coffee, made him feel like he could face what was coming... "I have to go". He said, after devouring his first roll, filling his thermos with freshly brewed hot coffee, and grabbing another cinnamon roll to takeaway. "I'll call you when the session ends, okay?" After quickly kissing Steve's lips, Danny grabbed the keys and ran away.

While driving his dad's old Ford Focus, (the Honda had been returned to the car rental agency a couple of days earlier), he tried to mentally prepare for what was coming. In their first two sessions, Sam and Danny had talked only about Steve. As a sponge, Danny had tried to absorb as much information as possible about PTSD symptoms, and Sam helped him devise a couple of emergency actions that would help him in case Steve had another panic attack or a flashback. Their joint session had focused on talking about how they first met and their work on Five-0.

But this would be the first session in which the topic would be Danny himself, which bothered him, even though it was not his first rodeo. This new session routine was new to both and completely opposite to all their past experiences. The governor had ordered mandatory therapies back in Hawaii, so both Steve and Danny had done it to keep their jobs, not because they were convinced they needed help or that the therapy might, in fact, be helpful for a damn thing.

All of the therapists over the years had focused on their multiple disputes, but none had delved further; They had focused on making sure both officers were fit for duty, but neither had attempted to understand why Danny was a stubborn idiot who took refuge in his children and his job, or the reasons why he was determined to sustain unsatisfactory relationships, for the sole purpose of avoiding being alone; They also hadn't bothered to understand why Steve felt he should be a superhero and truly believed that the value of his life was measured only by his ability to save others; or to understand why the man minimized the physical or emotional damage that he could suffer in the process, categorizing it under the label of _‘acceptable collateral damage’_.

Dr. Robbins was different, or so Danny thought: The man really cared about understanding. Perhaps it was the accumulated experience of dealing with soldiers, and the trauma caused by the terrible combat experiences that Danny couldn't even imagine. Also, the guy knew what he was talking about, and he had threatened Danny that he couldn't avoid for much longer, the time when they'd have to focus on his own problems. This was the day.

He parked the car in the first available spot and walked to the entrance of the building. He greeted the receptionist, who recognized him immediately and gave him a beaming smile. Then he started up the stairs taking his time, mocking himself, realizing that he was only delaying the inevitable.

He stopped at the nurse's desk, the girl, after checking the appointment on the computer, asked him to take a seat. It was only a moment before Sam poked his head out the door and said, "Hi Danny... come in please."

Danny didn't notice how Dr. Robbins smiled when he saw him walk hesitantly in front of him and sit in the usual chair.

Without saying anything, Sam closed the door and walked straight into the fridge, pulling out two bottles of ice water and putting one on the desk in front of Danny who smiled at the gesture that, despite the short time, had become familiar.

"Okay..." Sam said, sitting in his chair, "How's the new apartment?"

Danny smiled as he recalled what Steve had told him the previous afternoon about living in his father's house, "Excellent!" he replied, "We're settled in. I mean, we're still lacking a lot... we haven't furnished the kids' rooms yet, but Steve and I are happy to finally have our own place."

"Good!" Sam said, smiling, "That's good... The excitement of having your own apartment will help you with the ever-complicated process of adapting to a new routine."

"Yeah..." Danny said smiling.

"Okay" Sam smiled again and leaned down to put his arms on the desk, "I think it's time to put you out of your misery... We have to focus on the main topic as soon as possible."

Danny sighed resignedly and said, "I know..."

"Okay... Tell me about you. You were born in Jersey, right?"

Danny smiled: "Yes, in West Orange... my parents have spent their entire lives in this town. My father was a firefighter for over 30 years, he's now retired."

"What about your mother?"

"Great... she's great. During her youth, she studied drama. She played a few roles in some Broadway plays in the 1960s. Then she met Dad and they got married."

Sam nodded and asked, "Hasn't she been acting since then?"

"No..." Danny let the memories of his childhood gradually return to his mind, "It's a hard thing to combine a career in acting with a family... Raising four children is not a piece of cake."

"Four children...?" Sam couldn't hide his astonishment.

"Yeah..." Danny said, understanding, "Right now, it would be very difficult to support a family of six with a firefighter's pay check, but in those days, it was more common for couples to have more children. God! Poor mom...! I can imagine how difficult that must have been". Danny's gaze lit up when he said, "I mean, I have two kids and the money is barely enough... Also, I have joint custody of my youngest son... Charlie, and I barely get the time between work and the other things... I have no idea how they managed with four..."

Sam smiled and took a wooden portrait holder from the desk, giving it to Danny as he said, "I know what you're talking about... They're my daughters, Stacy's a lawyer and Maggie's in college now, so, we're alone again, but I still remember those days when two kids were sometimes too many."

Danny nodded and took the water bottle, that had left a damp circle on the surface of the desk, and opened it, taking a good sip. With the sleeve of his shirt, he wiped the wet wood while holding the bottle in his hands and listening to Sam ask, "How would you say it was your childhood?"

"It was great. I know that these days it's unusual to hear someone saying that... and that united and happy families are very rare, but we really were. We grew up in a loving home, we played, we fought, we laughed, and we cried, like any normal family."

Sam looked at him as if he were trying to decide if Danny was making up the truth, but eventually seemed to accept Danny's version. He reclined in the seat and said, "Please tell me about your brothers, or sisters?"

"All right. We were two boys and two girls. Stella's my big sister. She's the smart one in the family, always immersed in books. She fell in love very young and married an idiot... They had a son, Eric, and divorced soon after. Now, Eric lives in Hawaii and has a job in the crime lab."

Sam nodded, encouraging him to continue, "I’m the second child, but my dad always told me that, in his absence, I was the man of the house. I'm not going to say I was a model child, but..." He laughed for a moment and, after clearing his throat, he said, "but I always took that role very seriously. It was my job to take care of my brother and my sisters."

Danny took another sip of water and kept talking, "Bridget is the youngest... She's beautiful, funny... she's a ray of sunshine. She's married, lives here in Jersey and has two beautiful kids." Suddenly Danny paused for a while and Sam asked, "What about your brother?"

A wave of sadness welled up from the bottom of his stomach; he stuttered when he said, "Matt... Mathew is two years younger than me. He was always the rebellious boy... he constantly got into trouble and then came to me to ask for help... But he was the good-looking guy that everyone loved..." Danny smiled with a sadness that didn’t go unnoticed by Sam, but the man said nothing.

"He got a scholarship to study business administration at Princeton... And then he..." Danny's face began to pale as he began to talk about his brother. Suddenly, the memories of the last time he spoke to Matty, when he learned that his brother was a criminal, came back to his mind hitting him like a ton of bricks.

* * *

_“Hurricane Matty strikes again, huh? Hey, what I'd tell you about spoiling her?”_

_“I’m not spoiling her. No”._

_“You're not?”_

_“Okay, a little bit”_

_“ It's been too long, huh?”_

_“It hasn't been that long”_

_“No, it actually has. Uh, my going-away party was a year ago.”_

_“You have not been out here for a year.”_

_“I know. It feels like ten.”_

* * *

_“So why the, uh, sudden visit? You're on business, right?”_

_“What, you mean a guy can't drop in on his bro?”_

_“No, a guy can drop in on his bro, but not you.”_

_“Last time you dropped in on me, you crashed Dad's car into a tree.”_

* * *

_“You know what your problem is, your issue? Lack of adventurous spirit. You're a spoilsport. Right, Gracie?”_

* * *

_“I appreciate this escort through the Hilton. I'm just stopping in to pick up Grace.”_

_“It's no big deal. Besides, I wanna meet your brother.”_

_“All right, well, be warned. Mr. Wall Street has quite a personality.”_

_“Runs in the family, huh?”_

_“Disorder. Personality disorder.”_

* * *

_“Okay, Danny, tell them about the time at the zoo.”_

_“Every time with the zoo. Okay? You were... He was causing a disturbance.”_

_“You handcuffed me to the monkey cages!”_

_“Hey, I... I was doing my job.”_

_“Dude, you were 9! What are you talking about?”_

_“They were plastic handcuffs, just so you know.”_

_“So you were a cop back then?”_

_“My parents would say, you know, ‘Where's your brother?’ Danny would say, ‘Guess we lost him’."_

_“Well, I always would come back for you, didn't I?_

_“Take my hand. That is true.”_

_“Didn't I?”_

_“If you remembered where you left me.”_

_“I love you.”_

* * *

_“Listen to me, all right? Let me tell you something about my brother, okay? When Rachel and I split up, I took a room at a motel right down the block, because I wanted to be close to Grace, this two-star dump. My brother, every single night, would come over with a six-pack of beer and all the time in the world. Never once, not one time did I catch him looking at his watch. Okay? He just sat there and talked to me every single night. He'd fall asleep sitting up in a chair, wake up the next morning and go straight to work. Every day. For six months, he did this. For six months, he talked me off the ledge. I'm telling you, I would not have gotten through that if it wasn't for him. Okay? he didn't do this.”_

_“Okay. All right, fine. You gotta talk to him.”_

_“Yeah, I just don't think that this is a one-time conversation.”_

_“So that's fine. Listen, you talk to him. Take all the time you need. Family's first, right?”_

* * *

_“Want to hear that I took the money? Fine, I took the money!”_

_“What were you thinking about? You do something that stupid, you think about Mom? You think about Dad? You think about our sisters?”_

_“I know.”_

_“They're gonna knock on Mom's door, call in the middle of the night for statements...”_

_“I know. I made a mistake. Is that what you've been waiting for?”_

_“Think I get a kick out of this? I enjoy this?”_

_“I think that you like to be the guy that everybody thinks does everything right. But we both know that you made mistakes.”_

_“Why? Why? That's all I want to know. Why?”_

_“I lost $58 million in one day. And I had to cover it. So, I took some money from my other clients' accounts. I fixed statements. I was hoping that if I could cover my tracks, that no one would be the wiser. And then one lie led to another and then the next one and the next.”_

_“Why didn't you come to me?”_

_“You're a cop. I knew that you would...”_

_“Hold on. I would have helped you.”_

_“I thought about turning myself in. Then I just couldn't.”_

_“Why'd you come to Hawaii?"_

_"To cut another deal and try to buy my way out. But, uh, it fell through.”_

* * *

_“Matty. Matty… Mathew Williams, hey!”_

_“Gonna shoot me, Danny?”_

_“I should shoot you! you stupid son of a bitch! Laundering money for drug dealers? What the hell's the matter with you?”_

_“I had no choice.”_

_“You did have a choice! You had a choice. I gave you a choice. I said I was gonna help you. I said I'd get you through this. Didn't I?”_

_“It's not that simple, Danny. This isn't you beating up cousin Jimmy because he stole my bike.”_

_“Matthew, listen to me. You are gonna turn yourself in. You are gonna turn yourself in!”_

_“Go to federal prison? I'd never survive, Danny. I'm not strong enough. I'm not you!”_

_“What the hell is the matter with you? Huh? What'd you do? You went through with it? What is that? What is that, getaway money?”_

_“It wasn't supposed to be a getaway, Danny. I was trying to... I was trying to fix things.”_

_“You're trying to fix things? So, what are you gonna do, huh? Just gonna run away? You're gonna fly off? You're gonna forget about us? Is that your plan…? Hey, I'm asking you a question! What about Mom and Dad, huh? What about Grace? We're your family, Matty!”_

_“This ends one of two ways, big brother. You either shoot me, or you say goodbye.”_

* * *

Sam's voice brought him back to the present, "Danny?"

He blinked a couple of times to suppress the tears and said, "Yes?"

Sam looked at him worried and said, "I don't know... you stopped talking in the middle of the sentence... you were talking about Matt, you said he studied Business Administration..."

Danny made an effort to finish what he was saying: "Yes... after that... he got involved with some bad guys... he committed fraud with his clients' accounts... the FBI was looking for him for embezzlement and he..."

Sam took a sip of his water and said, "You need to say it, Danny. You need to face everything, no matter how painful it is... it's the only way to leave it behind."

Danny nodded, "Yeah... I know. Matt... Matt started laundering money for some Colombian drug dealers. And I... I tried... I swear I tried!" At that moment, bitter tears of guilt and frustration ran freely down his cheeks.

"What did you try, Danny?" Sam asked.

"I tried to persuade him to turn himself in. Damn it! Even Steve lied to the feds to let me talk to him before he was arrested...! I told him I could help... God...! I almost shot him!" Danny hid his head in his hands and sobbed, "What kind of brother I am? I almost shot my own brother!"

Sam said quietly, "Yes... But you didn't, did you?"

Danny shouted, letting out all his anger, "No! I didn't...!" He got up and walked around the room, "Do you know how many times I've thought since then, that I should have? Thousands of times! I should have shot him in the leg or something... something to stop him. But instead I stood there, watching my little brother get on that plane and knowing I'd never see him again. Do you know what it was like to have to tell my parents that Matty was a fugitive? It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life..." A sarcastic laugh sprang from his chest when he said, "Can you imagine? I... the big brother... the one that was supposed to be the example for others, I had to tell my parents that I didn't have enough guts to protect my own brother from himself!"

Sam fell silent, waiting for Danny to calm down a little before asking, "What happened to him?"

Danny felt the anguish in his chest; defeated, he dropped into the chair and said, "I never heard from him again in almost four years. Until..."

Sam looked at him in silence, so Danny started telling the story.

* * *

_“I’m Marco Reyes! When your brother disappeared, he was in possession of a significant amount of my money.”_

_“Okay, how much money?”_

_“Eighteen and a half million dollars.”_

_“Wow. That's a lot of money. Well, I, unfortunately, don't know anything about that. I haven't seen or spoken to my brother in three years.”_

_“I'm sorry to hear that, because I'm here for my money.”_

_“Well, then, you've come a long way for nothing.”_

_“Detective Williams, you ran me through Interpol, so you know who I am. Do you really think that I'm the kind of guy who doesn't get what he wants?”_

_“You're not listening. I don't know about your 18 and a half million dollars.”_

_“Well, then, you better go find it, detective._

* * *

_“Do you have my money?”_

_“Look, I strongly suggest that you just get on a plane and never come back.”_

_“As soon as I get my money, that's exactly what I'll do.”_

_“I don't how many times I gotta tell you I don't know where it is. I don't have it.”_

_“That's a funny thing, because Matthew tells a very different story. Of course, people tend to say anything when they have a gun to their head.”_

_“Where is he? You got my brother? Where is he, huh?”_

_“Someplace you'll never find him. Unless I get my money.”_

* * *

_“Marco Reyes has my brother.”_

_“What are you talking about? Matt?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“How do you know? What did he say exactly?”_

_“He said that he has him. He put a gun to his head and then he... I don't know what he said. He has my brother, okay?”_

_“Did Matt tell you where that money is?”_

_“No, he didn’t tell me where the money is.”_

_“Then how do you know Reyes wasn't bluffing, okay? Telling you he had Matt to get you to turn over that cash.”_

_“Okay, uh, what if he's not, huh?”_

_“Danny, your brother's been a fugitive for three years, okay? If that money existed, he'd be using it to stay under the radar. And if that's the case, Reyes doesn't have your brother. He'd know where the money is.”_

_“What are you talking about? Are you trying to confuse me? I'm angry. Wanna make me more angry? What does that mean?”_

_“Listen to me, my point is, if Matt stole 18 and a half million dollars, maybe Reyes is rattling your cage to see if you know where your brother is. And if that's the case, I say you rattle back.”_

* * *

_“My money for your brother.”_

_“You see, here's the thing. I don't believe you, okay? You’re bluffing.”_

_“Do you really wanna take that chance?”_

_“Okay, then I wanna talk to Matt.”_

_“When I get what I came here for. Look, I fly home tonight. You have until Monday to bring my money to this address. That's three days.”_

_“Okay, what happens if I don't bring you the money?"_

_"You'll get a package with your brother's head in it.”_

* * *

Danny closed his eyes, if he concentrated, he could remember the smell of damp ground when he was digging, looking for that money... he could clearly see the surprised look of Steve, standing in his living room, in front of a Danny surrounded by a lot of money.

* * *

_“You were right!”_

_“Yeah. Uh… except for the fact that Reyes said that Matty owed him 18-and-a-half million dollars. You see, this is only 13 million dollars.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Yes, I’m positive, I counted it three times.”_

_“So, Matty must have taken some to help himself disappear._

_“Yeah. And now I am five-and-a-half million dollars short. And I have two days to come up with all of it, or… my brother's dead.”_

* * *

_“You know what, partner? We can get on a plane right now and settle this.”_

_“You see, that is why I love you, buddy. You're always willing to risk both of our lives at any given moment, huh?”_

_“I'll go through the door first if it makes you feel better.”_

_“I know you would.”_

* * *

Danny stopped to take another sip of water and remembered Chin and the bunch of problems he got for helping him. Guilt was crushed in his throat for a moment, before he kept speaking. The tears continued to flow uncontrollably as the anguish revived like if everything had just happened. He hesitated, realizing that this was the first time he had discussed this with anyone. Only Steve knew the whole story. Even her parents had to resign themselves to know only the less horrible fragments.

* * *

_“This is gonna cost you in ways that you could not possibly predict. You know that, right?”_

_“Why don't you let me worry about that. You just worry about getting your brother back.”_

_“Okay. Thank you. Thank you, brother!”_

* * *

_“Matty. Hey, Matty? Matty, it's me!”_

_“Do you wanna take him with you or would you prefer that we ship him?”_

_“Okay, all right. All right. Listen to me. Do yourself a favor and kill me now because I promise you I'm gonna put you in the ground the first chance I get.”_

_“No, you listen to me. Take some advice, go home. And if you love your daughter, you won't ever come back to Colombia again, do you understand?”_

_“Yeah.”_

* * *

_“What'd I just tell you, huh? What'd I say? Huh? What'd I tell you?”_

_“Okay. Look at me. You look at me. Look at me. Look at me!”_

* * *

The sound of the shot reverberated in his ears, even as his hands pressed on both sides of his head and his body rocked back and forth. "My little brother!" He sobbed as his heart was tearing again, "They cut him off... those bastards dismembered his body and put him in a dirty barrel! Oh, God! I'm sorry, Matty! I'm so sorry...!"

Sam got up from his chair and surrounded the desk to sit next to Danny. He put a hand on the man's back and waited... A few minutes later, the sobs had subsided, though Danny's breath was shaky. "What are you sorry about, Danny?" Sam asked tentatively.

"It was my fault!" Danny whispered.

"No, Danny... you did everything you could... You didn't kill your brother... his decisions killed him... Reyes killed him. I'm not gonna try to tell you how you should feel about it, but you need to understand it wasn't your fault!" Danny raised his head and his eyes, red with tears, met Sam's, who asked, "What happened to Reyes?"

Danny looked down again and whispered something unintelligible, Sam leaned over and asked, "Excuse me?" Danny looked at him again, this time with a defiant expression, "I killed him! I put a bullet between his eyes. Listen to me... I'm not proud of what I did... Even months later, when the State Department came looking for me, I gave myself up without a fight, I signed the extradition... I gave up everything, including my daughter, because I was convinced that I had to pay for what I did."

* * *

_“Hey, Danny! Hey, Danny!”_

_“Commander McGarrett? I'm gonna have to ask you to step back from the prisoner.”_

_“Who are you? Huh?”_

_“Steve, it's okay.”_

_“No, it's not okay. This man has been denied counsel. That's a violation of his civil rights.”_

_“Uh, this man refused counsel, commander.”_

_“Why would you do that, Danny?... What did you threaten him with?”_

_“He didn't threaten me. Steve, listen to me. I signed the paper. Everything's okay. Talk to Grace and tell her I'm okay and that I'm gonna call her soon as I can. Can you do that, please?”_

_“I'm not going anywhere… You listen to me, listen to me. I was there. When Marco Reyes was murdered, I was in the room, you understand? If the Colombians want Danny, they want me too.”_

_“Then you're lucky that your friend here is keeping you off their radar.”_

_“I'm not gonna let you do that. You're not gonna sign an extradition to protect me. What're you doing?”_

_“You don't have a choice. Deal's been made.”_

_“Call Grace. Call Gra... Promise me you'll talk to Grace.”_

* * *

"So you signed the extradition to protect Steve..." Sam asked.

"Well ... he got into all those problems to help me. I don't even know how many favors he had to ask for. Heck! I don't know how many people owe him, but he arranged the plane, he took me to Colombia... he helped me carry the money... he was there when I shot that guy, and he made all the arrangements to bring Matty's body back... I had to protect him! He didn't deserve to bear the consequences of my actions. Killing Reyes was my decision... so I had to go there alone... Plus..."

"Yes...?" asked Sam, encouraging him to keep talking.

"Plus, I needed someone to take care of Grace for me. He's the only one I trust for that."

Sam nodded and said, "I understand... but I guess Steve didn't stay in Hawaii with his arm crossed, did he?" When he noticed Danny's cautious look, Sam said, “Remember, this is a safe place, Danny. Nothing you tell me will come out of this room, never. You understand?"

Danny smiled for the first time, it was a small, wry, wet smile, but still a smile, when he replied, "Of course he didn't! We're talking about Super SEAL, right?" The guy made deals even with the devil! He recovered and destroyed a colossal shipment of cocaine, figuring out that Sam Alexander, the guy from the State Department who arrested me, was up to his neck in deals with Reyes' cartel. Steve dealt with that bastard and brought me back to American soil with all charges dropped." Danny smiled sadly when he remembered Steve parking his truck in front of Rachel's house.

* * *

_“Thank you.”_

_“Or you could say Mahalo.”_

_“I suppose I could.”_

_“Still, huh? After all these years, you still hate this place.”_

_“Oh, no, buddy, I'm still trying to figure out a way to like you, okay? Forget this place.”_

_“Fair enough. Let me ask you a question. Why didn't you lawyer up? Why didn't you get a lawyer to fight this thing? I don't understand.”_

_“I don't know. I don't think there's any lawyer who could change what I did.”_

_“They could get you off, Danny.”_

_“All right, well, uh... Look, I've been living with what I did, feeling a certain way about it ever since I did it. Okay? And maybe some crazy part of me just didn't want to feel that way anymore. You know?”_

_“I guess.”_

_“But that does not mean that I’m not happy and grateful that I am here, so, thank you, partner.”_

_“You're the one who was ready to go to jail to keep me out of it. I should be thanking you.”_

_“That's what family does, right?”_

_“Yeah.”_

* * *

Sam got up from the chair and said, as he walked to the door, "Excuse me for a second, Danny..."

Danny wiped his eyes with a tissue, as he watched Sam exchange a few words with the nurse, then the man re-entered and closed his office door. He sat down again next to Danny and brought the box of tissues up at him, while asking, "Can I ask you a question, Danny?"

Danny wiped his nose and nodded silently.

"How did you feel afterwards? I mean... You said a part of you knew you had to pay for what you did. How did you feel when Steve brought you back?"

"I don't know..." Danny hesitated and, angry, wiped his eyes again… it was useless, the tears kept flowing, as if a dam had broken. He tried to focus: He had asked himself that same question so many times, trying to analyze his own feelings, "I guess I was relieved, at first. I really had a hard time in that Colombian prison, you know?" Danny thought for a while and said, "I felt happy to see Grace again... Grateful to Steve and the guys for getting me out of there and... guilty, I suppose."

Sam nodded and said, "If I may ask... why guilty?"

Danny shook his head and said, "I don't know... guilty for leaving Grace and Steve... I should have fought. I should have shown them that I cared more about them..."

Sam frowned and said, "I understand about your daughter, but... You said you did it to protect Steve..."

Danny shrugged, "Yes... but it turns out that my intention to protect him was completely unnecessary. He was off limits from the beginning."

"I don't understand... what are you talking about?"

Danny looked at Sam with deep sadness. "It was Steve's mom. She gave him all the intel necessary for Steve to retrieve that cocaine and catch Alexander... She protected him, he would never have been arrested."

"And that... How does that make you feel?"

"I don't know... grateful for whatever she did... that allowed me to get out of there, but... I'm mad at her!" Danny clenched his fists tightly, "Look, she was never my favorite person, but I felt like if we... I mean, Steve, myself... the other guys... as if we were... her pawns... her puppets, you get it? I could clearly picture her pulling the strings from wherever she was. She never cared of what Steve felt or thought, or the dangers he faced. It's always been like this... it makes me sick to think that a mother can do something like that to her own son!”

"I understand..." Sam said, getting up from his chair as he asked, "How do you feel now?"

Danny shrugged, "I don't know... My head hurts. I'm tired and I feel like my eyes are going to explode... is that enough?"

Sam walked to a small cabinet next to his desk and pulled out a bottle, opened it and took a couple of pills he put in the palm of Danny's hand, "It's just some painkillers... I think that was enough for today. I know these first sessions are difficult Danny and maybe you hate me a little bit right now... but we need to bring all the demons to the light in order to fight them, you know?"

Danny nodded, put the pills in his mouth and swallowed them with the last sip of water. "Thank you..." he said, "I suppose, then, I’ll see you next Wednesday?"

Sam nodded, but when he saw Danny walking to the door, he said, "Wait a minute, Danny!" The man stopped and turned to look at Sam, who said, "I can't let you go right now... You're very upset, you'd better wait a moment until you've calmed down, plus I asked Theresa to..."

His words were interrupted by a couple of knocks on the door that suddenly opened a second later, Danny turned around in surprise. Steve stood there with a worried expression. His breathing was shaky... Danny could swear the man had run all the way there. Steve cautiously entered the room, but when he saw Danny's red eyes and his tear-wet face, he opened his arms.

Danny walked towards Steve and hugged him, burying his face in the man’s chest. Sam smiled and said, "I think I'll leave you for a moment so you can talk..." He went out in silence and gently closed the door.


	17. A complete man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally here it is. I'm sorry for the delay, but it's the end of the semester and I have tons of assignments to grade. Thanks for sticking with me.  
> This chapter borrows some dialogs from 3x06, 3x14, 4x19, 5x04, 5x24, 7x18, 7x25, 8x09, and 8x10. (Please read the disclaimer in chapter 1). Please enjoy reading and tell me what you think.

**CHAPTER 17: A COMPLETE MAN.**

They held each other in silence for a few minutes; Slowly, Danny began to feel the headache fade and that oppressive feeling in his chest gradually subsided. Even after all these years, he was still amazed at that connection between them. It seemed that what he had feared for the past ten years was fading at times and yet, at other times it was always present, clear as day, stalking him.

Steve had been the most tangible example of the duality his life had become since his divorce. On the one hand, he could exasperate him to delirium, make his blood boil with anger or his body freeze with fear. Steve had made him face the worst of himself, and there was a time when, putting the jokes aside, he was certain that his partner would someday cause his death.

On the other hand, as now, the man had the incredible power to calm him, to make him feel loved and needed; to make him feel like he was more than Danny, the cop, or Danno, the father. He made him feel, for the first time in his life, a complete man.

He swayed constantly on both sides of that almost invisible line; that line separated the two parts of himself: sometimes it seemed to him that this... thing between them, had always been his final destination, like it was meant to be; Other times, he thought that maybe this was just a terrible mistake and that both of them would inevitably get hurt... or worse.

But now, he didn't want to think, the session had used up his energy reserves. So, he let himself go. Steve grabbed him by the arm and led him to the car, silently drove to the apartment, helped him into the shower, settled him on the bed to rest, and finally, he quietly left the room and closed the door.

Danny lay there, staring at the ceiling, for a long time, letting the confusion come back to his mind: What if this was really a mistake? He wanted to help Steve... with all his heart. He loved Steve, but he couldn't help but think that maybe that wasn't enough. Today it was shown that he himself had many things to fix before he could be a moderately effective aid to anyone.

What if Steve was right when he asked Danny if he was sure he wanted to do this? What if the man was right when he said that this could all be too much...? That is what haunted him the most now and, worst of all, the guilt of feeling like this built up in his guts, joining the tremendous amount of guilt that had been stored there for so long ... guilt over his failed marriage; guilt over his brother's death... He felt guilty because everything Grace had been through over the years due to the constant fighting between her parents... Guilty of Charlie's disease, always threatening... He felt bad for Brooke, Gabby, Melissa and Johanna... because the man who was Danny Williams never seemed to be enough for anybody, or worse, he never seemed to be enough for himself.

He felt that he didn't deserve the happiness he had now with Steve... that happiness dotted with unhappiness; that peace, dotted with storm and despair; that love that consumed him, dotted with hatred and self-loathing. He turned around and settled on his side, as tears slipped and wet the pillow. Slowly, he fell asleep.

* * *

_"Do you wanna take him with you or would you prefer that we ship him?" Marco Reyes' face floated in front of him in the dark. That cynical smile that kept occasionally appearing in his nightmares... Steve's comforting presence by his side, silent, waiting._

_“Do yourself a favor and kill me now because I promise you, I'm gonna put you in the ground the first chance I get.”_

_“No, you listen to me. Take some advice, go home. And if you love your daughter, you won't ever come back to Colombia again, do you understand?”_

_He followed Steve and that couple of thugs up the stairs... the third guy's gun was pointed directly at his head... the anger he felt against Reyes for threatening Grace's life and the anguish of leaving his brother behind, blocked his throat when, suddenly, the guy with the automatic weapon pushed Steve, who reacted hitting him hard with the back of his head. Everything happened very quickly, Steve fought and eliminated the two guys and Danny took advantage of the distraction to turn around and hit the third man with his elbow right on the nose. A second later, the three men lay on the dirt ground._

_He went downstairs again, holding the gun in his trembling hands, listening to Steve’s firm steps behind him, making him feel safe. He approached Reyes and forced him to lie on the rickety wooden table._

_"Look at me... look at me..." he said repeatedly… and pulled the trigger._

_He stared at Reyes' lifeless body for a long time, then he looked around... He was alone in the room, where the hell was Steve? The dim light of the lamp, which swayed from side to side, created ghostly shadows on those dirty walls. Suddenly, a noise caught his attention, he raised his gun and looked to his right, hearing footsteps crawling across the filthy floor; a defined shadow was drawn in the darkness._

_Danny waited, feeling like his heart was going to escape down his throat, until Matt peeked down and said, "You know what your problem is, big bro...? Your complete lack of adventurous spirit._ _You're a spoilsport!”_

 _Danny took two steps back... "Matty...? What...?" This couldn't be happening, could it? He had revived this scene so many times in his dreams_ _and the result was always the same. His brother was dead... Reyes had killed him. "What the hell...?" he asked._

_"What...? You’re not glad to see me, Danny?" Matt asked, as he walked towards him with open arms. Danny came up hesitantly and hugged his brother. The man wore an expensive gray suit with a blue silk tie. He could smell the aftershave and see the perfectly combed hair. He felt the powerful pat on his back, as his brother's voice echoed in his ear, "I told you, big bro ... I told you I would solve it, didn’t I?"_

_"Matty... But how...?" Danny walked away from the hug and looked at his brother with a frown; he didn't understand what the hell was going on._

_"It's simple, brother..." Matt replied, as he approached the table and pushed Reyes' corpse to sit on the wood next to him, "I made him believe that he killed me... the men he sent to look for me had never seen me, so it wasn't hard to put someone else in my place..." Matt laughed disdainfully and said, "Poor idiots! They never noticed his mistake... and this one..." Matt took a lock of hair from Reyes's head and held it up, "This guy wasn't smart enough to make sure that he had caught the right man. He just trusted what his men told him."_

_Danny couldn't believe it, he came up to Matt and touched his arm, to make sure he was real, then he looked at the barrel that was still in the same place, four or five feet away. "Who was the other guy?" he asked._

_"Oh! A nobody... a poor jerk... He never told them he wasn't Matthew Williams. He just let them take him away, saying that this would leave the board clean and that in the end, you and Gracie would be fine. Can you believe it?"_

_Confused, Danny shook his head from side to side, as he asked, "He... talked about me and Grace. Do you think he knew about us?"_

_"I don't know..." Matt crossed his arms_ _and looked at Danny smiling, "but that poor guy is not important, Danny. What matters is that I'm here. I'm alive!"_

_"You're wrong..." Danny said as he walked to the barrel, "This guy died because of you, Matt! They killed him because they thought it was you... don't you get it?"_

_Matt looked at him bewildered and replied, "No, Danny. He doesn't matter... we do. You told me before I got on that_ _plane, remember? We're family, that's all that matters."_

_Danny leaned over and grabbed a metal lever, stepped up to the barrel, and inserted it hard to lift the lid. A foul smell invaded his nose, making him vomit. The retches clenched his stomach tight. He turned his head and took a deep breath to control the nausea; then turned on the flashlight on his gun and illuminated the interior of the barrel. The first thing he saw was a hand; With all the courage he could muster, he moved the light along that arm until it reached the biceps. A piercing scream erupted from his throat as the unmistakable lotus flower tattoo lit up._

* * *

He woke up sweating and screaming. Strong hands clinging to his shoulders and Steve's soft voice said whispering, "Danno... please wake up."

"No... no..." Danny said over and over, "You're dead...! He... Reyes, he killed you... and Matt... he let it happen...!"

Steve hugged Danny tightly and kissed him repeatedly in the head, while whispering, "I'm fine, Danno. It's all right... I’m here... just do me a favor and wake up, will you?"

Danny reacted and shoved Steve in the chest, his glassy eyes staring incredulously at his partner, who looked at him back, "Steve?" He asked hesitantly.

The man smiled and held out his hand, until his thumb wiped away a tear caught in the stubble on his chin. "Yes..." he replied: "I'm right here. Are you with me now?"

Danny nodded and, embarrassed, looked down as Steve asked, "This one was really bad, wasn't it?" Danny nodded again and replied, "Yes... it was. Really bad!... Reyes... his men... killed you and put you in that barrel."

"That didn't happen, Danny..." Steve replied, hugging Danny again, "I'm here... I’m fine. It's all right..."

"No ..." Danny replied, as he pushed Steve back and stood up. He began to wander around the room while saying: "No, it’s not, nothing is fine... what if I...?"

He turned to look Steve in the eye... What he saw was fear... a huge and overwhelming fear. "What, Danny?" Steve asked.

Danny looked down again and whispered, "What if I was wrong...? What if I can't do this?"

Steve remained seated, leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs, while honestly replying, "I don't know..."

Danny tried to explain, "I mean... how can I help you when I'm a mess myself?"

Steve looked at him confused, "I thought... I thought you said we'd help each other..."

"Yes. That's what I said, but..."

Steve interrupted him, "You have doubts... don't you?"

Danny couldn't avoid the surge of guilt and immediately tried to rectify, "No... No. Listen to me... I didn't mean that... I'm just… I'm tired, I guess. To tell you that today's session was intense would be an understatement..."

"I get it ..." Steve couldn't hide the disappointment and deep fear that Danny's doubts caused him... he looked around as if he needed to get out of there. "Maybe you should eat something and get some sleep." He said and got up; He started to walk towards the door, but Danny took him by the arm, "Listen, Steve... I didn't want..."

Steve's hand landed gently on Danny's interrupting him, "It’s okay, Danny... I get it. I know it's too much to deal with, so you need rest before deciding what you want to do... small steps, right?" Without waiting for an answer, he began to walk again, Danny loosened his grip and, helplessly, saw him leave the room.

* * *

He didn't sleep that night... He didn't eat much either. They hardly spoke over dinner, the fear that settled at the bottom of his stomach forced Steve to push the spaguetti with the fork back and forth. All along he knew this was a possibility, but he had wanted to believe that, even against all odds, things would eventually work out well and they could solve their entire mess, the two of them... Together.

But he couldn't blame Danny for having doubts, God! Anyone in their right mind would have them! Maybe that day's session had opened his partner's eyes and the man had realized he couldn't do it. He couldn't solve his own problems if he also had to worry about Steve all the time. Perhaps their new relationship was not strong enough to help them cope with it. But he had clung to hope. He still would. Maybe Danny just needed to rest.

While doing the dinner dishes, Danny finished cleaning the table, cleaned the counter, and put the leftovers in the fridge. He came back shortly after with a glass of water and three pills. Steve wiped his hands and looked at him, came up to him and took the pills and the glass from Danny's hands and put them on the counter. "Thanks Danny," he said quietly.

"You’re not gonna take them?" Danny asked.

Steve sketched a sad smile and said, "In a minute. You should take a shower and sleep, Danny. You look like shit."

Danny rolled his eyes and smiled, "Thank you for the compliment...! But you're right. I'm tired, I'm going to bed." He began to walk, but stopped by the kitchen door and asked, "You’re not coming?"

"I'll be there in a minute... I still have something to do on the computer. Lou sent a dozen emails and if I don't answer, I wouldn't be surprised if he got on a plane and came here looking for us."

"All right... don't take too long." Danny answered and left the kitchen. Steve looked at the three pills for a moment, picked the anxiolytic, put it in his mouth and swallowed it with the help of some water; then he put the glass on the counter next to the sleeping pills, turned off the light and left the room, closing the door. In the living room he sat in front of the desk and opened the laptop; for a moment, he entertained himself listening to Danny's murmurs coming from the bedroom. He was sure he’d be on the phone with Grace or Charlie.

Steve hadn't talked to the kids in a while; he sighed as he thought how much he missed them. He remembered the last time he played with Charlie on the beach behind his house, that was more than two months before... With Grace it was even worse, he hadn't seen her since she went to college. At first, they exchanged a few text messages that, after two months, became sporadic; the last one she texted him was a week before his trip to Mexico.

He took a deep breath and opened the email window, choosing Lou's last message; after reading it for the third time, he clicked the button to reply and stared at the blank window.

* * *

When Danny woke up, morning light flooded the room. He rolled onto the bed and reached out, looking for Steve. He opened his eyes when he realized that the other side of the bed was empty. The sheets were smooth, and the pillows perfectly arranged.

After relieving his bladder and brushing his teeth, he came out of the bathroom and walked into the living room. On the table was a yellow sticky note: "Danno: I went for a run. I love you. S."

In the desk, the laptop was open; although the screen was dark, the LED was on, so he pressed a couple of keys and the screen came back to life. The email app was open, ready to compose a new message. The cursor blinked in the upper-left corner of the window.

He walked into the kitchen to make some coffee; when he opened the door his gaze fell on the glass of water and the two pills.

* * *

Sweat trickled down his temples, and his breathing synchronized with the monotonous and constant tapping of his sneakers on the pavement. He wished he could stop thinking... he spent the night staring at the screen, trying to decide what he would do if Danny decided he didn't want to go through with this.

He told Danny he understood, and he really did. Dr. Robbins had told him that starting a new relationship was always complicated and exciting, but in their case, it would involve much more. They knew each other better than anyone... they had wept and laughed together, they had been shoulder to shoulder in their darkest moments and in the happiest. Danny knew about his abandonment issues, just as Steve understood Danny's almost pathological need to complain about everything and everyone... His partner knew Steve was dominant, competitive, demanding, independent and irritatingly tenacious; in turn, Steve knew and loved all the qualities that made Danny a great detective: Intuitive, chatty, enthusiastic, persuasive and empathetic... it seemed that between them, there was nothing to hide... nothing new to discover;

Steve didn't plan any of this... neither depression nor anxiety attacks... he didn't plan to involve Danny in all his crap, nor did he plan to fall in love... all that just happened and now he would have to face the consequences. A sarcastic laugh escaped his throat as he remembered what he said to Danny that night: “ _We don't get life on our terms, Danny. It's life on life's terms or not at all.”_

An hour and a half later, he inserted the key into the lock and opened the door. He took off his soaked shirt and used it to wipe the sweat from his forehead as he entered the bedroom. The bed was perfectly made, and Danny was nowhere to be found. He walked back to the living room and looked at the table: the sticky note was there, only it was upside down and Danny had written a message on the back: "Breakfast with mom. I don't think I'm going to the appointment today... Call you later ".

Frustrated, Steve tore the paper into two pieces and dropped it on the floor. Fine! If Danny needed space, Steve would give him space. He checked his watch, went to the bathroom, and turned on the shower tap. Half an hour later, he was sitting in the waiting room of Dr. Robbins' office.

A couple of minutes later, the man entered whistling cheerfully; when he realized Steve was there, he approached him smiling as Steve got up, "Steve! You're early!" Sam said and shook his patient's hand, "Come in, please."

When both men sat down, Sam asked, "Danny's not coming with you?" Steve shook his head and Sam said, "But today is Tuesday... it's our joint session day."

Steve shrugged and said, "Yes, I know, but I'm afraid today it's just us... Danny didn't... he doesn't feel okay right now."

Sam's face showed an immediate concern, "Why? Is he sick?"

"No... he's fine... I think." Steve hastened to answer, "It's just that... I think he needs some time to process what happened yesterday..."

Sam frowned and said, "Something happened, right?"

Steve shrugged again and replied, "I don't know... I'm not sure what happened, but I think Danny is finally realizing everything this entails, and I guess he's having second thoughts... I think, maybe... maybe he's changing his mind and he's no longer willing to do this."

Sam couldn’t hide his surprise, “Ooookay…! I guess we should give him some time to think about it. What I want to know now is, how do you feel about it?"

"Honestly, I don't know... disappointed, I think... but I guess I can't blame him. This is too much for anyone and Danny has already suffered a lot."

Sam was cautious when he said, "And... in case he decides not to continue, what are you going to do?"

"I’ll go all the way ..." Steve replied, "I told you I can't go on living like so far... I need to sort this whole thing out, no matter what."

"What about your relationship?"

Steve shuddered; that was the question he was afraid to ask himself ... While it would be difficult for him to spend his entire treatment alone, what terrified him most was that Danny decided that ... that part of the deal was also canceled ... He wasn't sure he could handle that. "I don't know..." he whispered, "I guess it all depends on him now, right? All I can do now is cross my fingers and hope he decides not to give up on us..."

* * *

Clara looked over the cup of coffee as she drank a sip, finally she gave up and put the cup on the table. "What's going on?" she asked.

Danny looked up and asked back, "Why do you think something's going on?"

"Mmmm. Let me think, " Clara said, "I don't know... maybe because you've spent more than a minute moving the spoon to mix the non-existent liquid in your cup. Come on! What's going on?"

"I don't know, Ma. I guess all this is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought."

"Is this about Steve? Has he gotten worse?"

Danny shook his head, "He's in a bad place... I'm in a bad place too... Everything’s wrong, Ma. I'm not sure I’m able to do this."

Clara leaned forward and reached out to take Danny's hand, "Did you fight?"

"No... that’s not what happened... it's just that..."

"Danny, I'm starting to worry here. Tell me..."

“It's just that yesterday's session was really difficult… I didn't expect that, Ma. Steve is supposed to have the issues to solve and I'm here for him. But Sam… Dr. Robbins…”

Clara was about to lose patience with her son's evasiveness, "What about him?" she insisted.

“Yesterday, we started a new series of sessions in which I’m supposed to face my own problems and solve them... It didn't turn out as I expected."

"Why?”

"We talked about Matty..." Clara shuddered to hear that, but she quickly held back and replied, "I guess that makes sense... I’m sure that the mysterious circumstances surrounding your brother's death are the root cause of your nightmares. I just hope you've been more honest with him than you were with us."

Now it was Danny's turn to shudder, "Ma..." he whispered.

Clara squeezed her son's hand and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't want it to sound like a reproach because it's not. Your father and I understand why you were so secretive when you told us what happened... You try to avoid us the pain and we appreciate it... Believe me. But you can't take the pain away from us to take it on your own. You need to talk about it."

Danny replied, "I did... with Steve."

"Yes, I know... but it doesn't seem to have been enough..."

"No, Ma... he helped me. He did more than anyone would have done. Thanks to him I went to Colombia, thanks to him I recovered Matty's body and we were able to say goodbye. He brought me back when I was arrested... he took care of Grace. I owe him so much!"

"Yes... I know." Clara tightened her grip even more, "And you have no idea how grateful I am for everything he's done for you… for us, not just in Matty's topic.”

"Yes..." Danny nodded... As he watched her mom stand up and walk to the ladies’ room, another wave of memories came to his mind… Memories of all the times when Steve had been there for him… every time the man had told him in a thousand different ways, that he loved him:

* * *

_“Steve, get out of here.”_

_“Forget about it.”_

_“He's right. You better go.”_

_“I said, forget about it!”_

_“Do me a favor and go, please. If something happens, take care of Grace.”_

_“That's your job, pal. Okay? You're her dad!”_

_“Done.”_

_“Done? Can I move "done"?”_

_“Clear. All clear.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“I'd offer to take you for a beer, but I got somewhere I gotta be.”_

_“Next time, right?”_

_“Yeah, next time. Let's hope there's not a next time.”_

_“Hey… Thanks for sticking around, huh?”_

_“Yeah”_

* * *

_“Wow! You… you look… very nice… suit and tie; that's good!”_

_“It's for you. Wore it for you.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“All right.”_

_“Hey, hey! What are you doing?”_

_“Is that a clip-on?”_

_“It's not a clip-on!”_

_“Are you...”_

_“What'd I just say to you?”_

_“Your tie's all jacked up… can I fix it, please?”_

_“Come here. Come here”._

_“I’m here!”_

_“I thought nobody wore a tie in Hawaii.”_

_“No, they don't, but, you know, it's a special day, so I thought I'd wear one… Plus, I'm wearing my dress blues. They'd make me walk the plank if I don't wear a tie with the dress blues.”_

_“How come the blues…they’re black?”_

_“I know they're black; I don't know why...”_

_“Thank you very much for being here… it means a lot. Okay?”_

_“You're welcome. You'd do the same for me… All right, you ready?”_

_“Yeah, I'm good. I got, uh... the speech all prepared, everything's... good.”_

_“Good!”_

_“Tell you something, they take her away from me, I'm jumping off a cliff today.”_

_“Hey, hey, hey! That's not gonna happen, okay?”_

_“Okay”._

* * *

_“Detective, weren't you recently shot in the presence of your daughter?”_

_“I can... I can explain that, Your Honor!”_

_“Commander McGarrett! this is not your forum.”_

_“Yes, I know that, Your Honor, and I'm sorry, but... Detective Williams doesn't just work for me… he's my friend, he's my close friend, and, uh... I've seen him with his daughter. He's a great father! He's actually the kind of father we all wish we had.”_

* * *

_“Danny!”_

_“Steve!”_

_“Danny… Danny!”_

_“Hey!”_

_“I got you, buddy… I'm right here. I got you!”_

_“My leg's pinned. I think I broke a rib. Where's the other guy? Huh?”_

_“He's dead… Okay, listen to me, this thing's too heavy. I can't lift it. I got no cell service down here, so I can't call for help.”_

_“Okay.”_

_“I'm gonna go get something to give me some leverage, get this off your leg, okay? I'll be right back.”_

_“All right. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Don't go just yet.”_

_“Danny, relax, it's gonna be okay.”_

_“Is it okay? 'Cause... I'm in a confined space with a bunch of concrete on top of me, and given my present condition, that's not the best situation for me. You know what I mean?”_

_“Right! Claustrophobia.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Okay. Take a deep breath, okay?"_

_"No, that's not good. It makes it worse.”_

_“Danny, I got to get this off you. You understand me?”_

_“All right, all right, okay… All right, Carter's behind the plate…”_

* * *

_“All right, this has got peroxide in it. I can disinfect this wound. I'm not gonna lie to you; this is gonna hurt a lot. The really bad pain only lasts a couple of seconds. You got to stay conscious. I'm right here. All right? Ready? One… Two… Three”._

_“Oh, God!”_

_“All right, all right. Stay with me, Danny! Stay with me. Hey, who played left? '86 Mets, left field-who was it?”_

_“George Foster, and he was replaced by Mookie Wilson after two seasons!”_

_“Midseason, right? That's my boy!”_

* * *

_“This gonna work?”_

_“I don't know… Back up. Get up in there.”_

_“Hold on. Before we do this, I just want you to know one thing.”_

_“What?”_

_“Whatever happens, I really, really... from the bottom of my heart, hate you so much!”_

_“I love you, too, pal.”_

_“I guess there's a lot worse people to die under a big pile of concrete with, huh?”_

_“You want to do the honors?”_

_“No, no. It's your stupid idea, you do it.”_

* * *

_“Well, if this is the, uh… power of positive thinking, I, uh... I like it. It's good.”_

_“You know, it's the same as you… you admitting that I was right, but I don't want to put words in your mouth right now.”_

_“When we were in there, you said, uh... you know, before you did the thing with the bomb, you said what you said. I want you to know, I... I feel the same way.”_

_“How is that exactly?”_

_“Gonna make me say it? Come here. I love you.”_

_“I love you, buddy…”_

* * *

_“Do you know how many times that I've dropped Grace off? You know how many times I picked her up and that kid's been sitting in the room? Rachel too, sitting there?”_

_“No matter how misguided this was...”_

_“Please, don't! Don’t say anything that sticks up for this woman. What she did is unforgiveable! Because of what she did, I missed out on three years of this kid's life. Huh? What about that?”_

_“So, what happens now?”_

_“Now... Now, I take care of the kid. About Rachel, I don't know what I'm gonna do. No way I can get past this.”_

_“You're right, man.”_

_“I know I'm right! Thank you.”_

_“Do me a favor. Listen to me for a second, huh? These feelings you're having, this anger, put it aside. That's all I'm saying. How many decisions are you guys gonna have to make from here on? You and Rachel, you gotta make the decisions together. Danny, it's not gonna do Charlie any good having his parents fighting. That's all I'm trying to say.”_

_“I know… You're right.”_

* * *

_“If this doesn't work, I just...”_

_“Don't... don't... don't say that. Don't say anything, okay? I don't need to hear it, okay?”_

_“I'm just saying, all right, this is an old truck, it's gonna vibrate once the engine's turned over, all right?”_

_“I didn't need to hear that, Steve. I didn't need that in my life. Okay? Just start the truck, please. Carefully.”_

_“Okay… I love you, bro…”_

* * *

_“Danny?”_

_“What?”_

_“If you open that restaurant, I want you to seriously consider calling it “Steve's,” please.”_

_“Steve's?”_

_“Yes, because then… if we're not together, we'll still… you know, we're still gonna... we'll be together still.”_

* * *

_“What is it?”_

_“Open it.”_

_“Not my birthday.”_

_“So what? Doesn't have to be a special occasion; I got you a gift. You want to make a big deal about it; just open it.”_

_“Mother's Day?”_

_“What?”_

_“Mother's Day. It's, uh… Mother's Day in a week, and I'm very overprotective. You're doing a thing, you're making a joke, 'cause... No?”_

_“Ufff! You're crazy! You know that? You're a crazy person.”_

_“Well, I'm not crazy, I'm just not interested in… like a… like a goof… like a gag gift.”_

_“I don't know why I try to be nice. I just wanted to get you something. Forget about it!”_

_“No, whoa, whoa, hey, hey! Hey…! you can't take back a gift!”_

_“Well, open it!”_

_“You know, this gesture of generosity is very uncharacteristic of you.”_

_“I got it. Why don't I just take it and smash it over your head?”_

_“Well, I'll open it, in that case.”_

* * *

_“Chef's hat!”_

_“Excuse me?”_

_“The gift. It's a chef's hat with your name on it.”_

_“Why are you telling me this?”_

_“Well... you know, I just thought you could use it for Steve's.”_

_“All right, look, my restaurant... under no circumstances is gonna be called Steve's. And you're gonna know that, 'cause you're gonna be there… 'cause you're not gonna die today, okay?”_

_“You… I thought you said...”_

_“I know what I said, and I said it because I'm trying to talk you out of it. Obviously, it's not gonna work, okay? So... Good luck! All right? Good luck.”_

_“Thanks, partner!”_

* * *

_“What did he do? He did what?”_

_“I think it's called a finger thora...”_

_“…costomy!”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“I cracked your chest open, wiggled my finger around inside there and, stopped your heart from getting crushed, but... you know, no big deal.”_

_“Yeah, I'm sure it was nothing.”_

_“No, brother, it was disgusting.”_

_“Did he wash his hands at least?”_

_“You know, time was really of the essence.”_

_“He didn't wash his hands!”_

_“You're such a baby! You gonna be a baby about this? Here, let me tell you something. The fact is, if I didn't put my finger inside of you, we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. You know?”_

* * *

_“Found the guy?”_

_“Yeah, we found the guy.”_

_“Thanks.”_

_“I got to say, man, this kid's really starting to take after her old man. I mean, standing up to the bully, speaking up for the little guy.”_

_“Yeah, I think maybe she, uh... she gets that from you more than me.”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“I don't know, uh… Rachel made a graduation video for Grace, and I think you're in more shots than I am.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah. Don't get excited about it!”_

_“No, I'm not getting excited. I would like to see it.”_

_“Well, that's enough.”_

_“Oh, hey! you know what?”_

_“What?”_

_“We should have a graduation party for Grace at my house.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Listen, in the backyard, we'll get a big screen and a projector for the video. Invite the neighborhood!”_

_“Shut up!”_

* * *

He didn't realize the moment Clara came back from the ladies’ room. When she took his hand again, Danny was startled as she said, "Danny? Is everything all right?"

Danny got up quickly. He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket of his pants and took out some bills, handing them over to his mother. "Yes... everything is fine... it's just that..."

"What Danny? What's the matter?" Clara asked worried.

"No... it's okay, Ma. I just realized I'm a complete idiot... Please excuse me. There's something I must do." Danny leaned over, kissed Clara on the cheek and ran out of the restaurant.

When he arrived at Sam's office, the nurse greeted him with a smile and said, "Good morning, Detective Williams! You’re late! Commander McGarrett is already inside with Dr. Robbins, you can come in."

Silently, Danny nodded and walked up to the door, took the knob and turned it, pushing the door only a couple of inches, just when Sam asked, "What about your relationship?"

Danny had to get close to hear Steve's answer, "I I don't know... I guess it all depends on him now, right? All I can do now is cross my fingers and hope he decides not to give up on us..."

Sam nodded and said, "But you're willing to try."

Steve shrugged and said, "Yes... if that's what he wants."

At that moment, Sam saw Danny standing by the door and smiled. Steve didn't notice, because he had his gaze fixed on his hands that writhed on his lap and rubbing each other.

Sam asked, "Can you tell me why?"

Steve looked up, frowned, as if he didn't understand the question. Sam asked again, "Yes ... Steve. Can you tell me why you're willing to try to make things work with Danny?"

"He complements me... without him, I'm only half of myself... and I don't want to feel that way anymore. Danny makes me feel like a complete man, and I love him for that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 3 more chapters left! Let me know if you want a new story, or if it was too much for you. Mahalo for reading!


	18. A good day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the next chapter (only two more left!). I'm so sorry for the delay, but I finished grading all those assignments and exams and closed the semester. Finally! I appreciate your patience and thank you for keep reading this. Enjoy reading and tell me what you think.

**CHAPTER 18: A GOOD DAY** **.**

_"He complements me... without him, I'm only half of myself... and I don't want to feel that way anymore. Danny makes me feel like a complete man, and I love him for that."_

Danny! Sam said, getting up from his chair, "I'm glad you decided to join us!" Steve turned his head and looked at Danny as he entered, closed the door behind him, and sat down in his usual chair.

"Okay" Sam said and sat down again. "I suppose you heard what Steve just said... what do you think about it?"

Danny looked at his hands for a minute, then bravely looked up, focused on Sam and said, "I think I'm an idiot ..."

Sam smirked, "Would you mind explaining that?"

Danny cleared his throat and looked at Steve, "I got scared... I guess yesterday was an intense day, and I got scared... I thought I wouldn't be able to handle this, but..." he was quiet for a few seconds and said, "I forgot my own words. I said we’d do all of this together, and at the first hurdle I flinched... I’m sorry."

Steve remained silent, staring at Danny, so Sam spoke again, "Can I ask you what made you come here today?"

Without looking away, Danny smiled shyly, "I don't know... I was with my mom and she said something that made me think... She said she was grateful for everything you've done for us, all these years... not only for Matty, but for everything. I realized that she's right... this..." He drew a circle in the empty space between them and said: "This is not just about all the shit that happened to us... This is also about the good times... especially what we've built together... all the times we've laughed together, all the fun times... This is about Ohana, right?"

Steve frowned, reclined in the seat and asked, "Is that what we are, Danny?"

Danny looked at him in surprise: "What are you talking about? Of course, that's what we are."

"No ... I didn't mean that... I mean, is that all what we are?"

Danny shook his head and said "I don't understand... you've been talking about Ohana since I met you... Your Ohana is your family… I don’t know how many times I've heard you say that... You told me that it's the most important thing and that you do everything for your Ohana!"

Before the situation triggered another dispute, Sam asked, "Why don't you explain to Danny what you mean, Steve?"

Steve got up and started walking around the room, not daring to look at Danny again, "I don't know... I mean, Lou, the team, Chin, Kono, Kamekona... they are Ohana. But you..." He swallowed the lump in his throat to suppress panic. "You're..." He gathered all the courage he could and fixed his eyes on his partner's while saying: "You're much more... and that's what scares me."

Before Danny could say anything, Sam asked, "Why are you scared?"

Steve looked at him, as if he couldn't believe that the man didn't understand the magnitude of what he had just said, "I don't know..." he answered; then he walked towards the window and looked up at the cloud-covered sky. "I've spent my whole life convinced that nothing lasts forever. It's a lesson I learned the hard way... So, I understood that I couldn't depend on anyone... I only had myself... it was always like this... until I met Danny."

"What changed?" Sam asked again.

Steve sighed and said, "Everything... everything changed radically when I met him. I was used to giving orders and those orders were obeyed without a reply. I was used to the chain of command and doing things my way... But Danny... " A smile spread across his lips when he said, "He defied me since the first moment. He argued with me every second we spent together ever since... he criticized me, insulted me... he said I have no idea what human interaction means... "

Danny tried to say something, but Sam waved his hand, asking for silence. Without taking his eyes off the window, Steve kept talking, "... he was right. I don't have a damn clue! I just know that..." He swallowed hard and kept talking, "... all I know is that he got into every space of my life, becoming essential. He still does... every day... And that terrifies me..."

"Why...?" Danny asked.

Steve turned around and looked at him sadly. "What if you have doubts again, Danny? I told you there's a lot to deal with. I wouldn't blame you if you did... You can decide that you don't want to deal with my problems besides yours... Maybe it won't happen today, maybe not next month. But when it happens, what am I gonna do? You just said that whatever your mom told you made you think... but what about next time? "

Danny tried to sound convinced when he replied, "There won't be a next time."

Steve's laugh was painfully sarcastic, when he looked back to the window and said, "You can't make that promise..."

Danny got up and walked towards him; when he was close enough, he put his right hand on Steve's shoulder and said, "You're right. I can't." Steve remained there, with his gaze lost in the whimsical forms of the darkening clouds; when Danny realized he wasn't going to get an answer, he slid his hand, holding Steve by the arm and forcing him to turn around. "Please, look at me, Steve..."

When Steve turned around and looked at him, Danny smiled and said, "I know I can't promise there won't be a next time... because there's a lot of work to be done and I'm sure there will be many other crises before we can solve everything. What I can promise is that I'll try, just like you..." Danny's hand caressed Steve's arm, making him shudder. "I can also promise you that when those crises happen, we'll talk about it and work it out, okay?"

Steve nodded silently, put his hand over Danny's and squeezed it, then he went back to his chair when Sam walked over to the fridge and said, "Okay... I'm glad this is cleared up. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to talk about something you said before, Steve." When Danny and Steve were sitting and the usual cold-water bottles were in front of them, Sam spoke again: "You said that, from the first moment, Danny defied you... I think... in one of our previous sessions we talked about the arguments and the constant quarrels, while you two were working together. Would you mind tell me about that?"

"Okay... that's what happened, I don't know what else I can say. If Danny had been a military guy, he'd have faced a court-martial after the first three months." Steve turned his head and smiled at his partner, then he looked at Sam again and said, "That's what he is, he needs to verbalize to process things. Even in the middle of a case, when we were involved in a shooting, or about to do something that he called insanely stupid, Danny used to talk, talk and talk until it was all over. It's his way of dealing with stress, so we talked about everything. People in Hawaii said we were fighting all the time, although I never saw it that way. It's just our way of communicating. I'm not gonna say that it never bothered me, but to tell the truth, I worry more on the rare occasions when he's quiet. Because it means something’s really wrong and he becomes a very frustrating person... he needs to talk... I confess that sometimes I like to provoke him..."

"I knew it!" Danny shouted triumphantly, "I knew you were doing it on purpose! I knew you enjoyed doing and saying things that would raise my blood pressure!"

Steve looked at him with a falsely guilty expression and Sam looked at them amused, when Danny got up and started waving his arms in the usual way, "You like teasing me, huh? So, all those times we argue about your terrible musical taste, the keys of my car or the sand that reaches everywhere... All those times you were just provoking me?"

Steve shrugged and Danny continued his spiel, "And what about the therapies... when you said everything was fine... even though I was trying to convince the therapist that we had a lot of problems... what about that?"

Steve tried to defend himself, "I was just telling them what they wanted to hear, Danny! What was I supposed to do?"

Danny looked at him incredulously and said, "I don't know... maybe you could take advantage of some of those mandatory therapies and try to solve some of those problems."

Steve replied, "It was about keeping our jobs, Danny! The problems were not going to be solved, because those therapists weren't interested in solving them... they cared that we were fit for duty and nothing else..."

Sam noticed how ironic the situation had become and, still smiling, he asked, "And what about now, Steve? Are you trying to say what you think I want to hear?"

Steve looked at him, the smile fading from his face when he replied, "No... this time is different." Danny nodded silently and Sam noticed, so he asked, "I guess you agree, Danny. What's different this time?"

Needing time to think about his answer, Danny took his bottle, removed the cap, and took a long sip before saying, "I guess because circumstances are different this time... right now we're not at the top of our game; this time we're here because we know that many things are wrong and we need to solve them... It's different because you care... it's different because... "

He paused as if doubting what he was going to say next, but Sam pushed him, "Why is it different?"

Danny drank another sip of water and said, "It's different because we've finally realized what we mean to each other and we decided to accept the challenge..."

Steve frowned and asked, "Challenge...?"

Danny looked him in the eye and said, "Yes... You said I'm a frustrating person and I agree... but you, my friend, you’re the most challenging person I've ever met..."

Steve didn't know how to understand Danny's words, so he asked, "Am I...?"

Danny raised his hands, losing his temper and looked at Sam when he said, "I don't know if he doesn't really notice..."

Sam smiled and asked, "Is Steve challenging to you, Danny?"

"Of course he is! In every aspect of his life ... God! Just look at him. The man is built like a Greek god... he's good at everything he does, no matter if it's some chemical experiment God knows where he learned, or his almost encyclopedic knowledge of the most unexpected topics; it doesn't matter if, at first, his ideas seem extremely stupid or risky, most of the time they turn out well...! And, speaking of sports? It doesn't matter if it's his first time playing one, he does it like he has done it his whole life! Do you know that the first time he played golf he managed to put a 75-foot putt in the hole and won the round?"

Danny's gaze shifted from Sam to Steve and then back, until he said, "Why are you laughing? Do you know how exhausting it’s to compete against that?"

Steve felt a twinge of sadness, but Sam seemed to read his mind and asked, "And if it's so exhausting, why do you do it, Danny? Why are you competing against him?"

At that moment, Danny realized that his words had been misunderstood, "No... I didn't mean that exhausting was equal to bad... On the contrary. I love that about him... it always made me feel... safe. No matter how terrible a situation was, I knew he would solve it... every time I was sure we'd die... he was there to save the day... Besides..." He paused and reached out his hand to put it under Steve's chin and force him to look up, "Competing with him makes me want to be a better man..."

His eyes reconnected when Danny said, "You know all the fears you've forced me to face by challenging me. You've made me grow in ways I didn't think possible. Thanks to you, I'm a totally different man than the one you met ten years ago."

Danny looked at Sam again and said, "When I came to Hawaii ten years ago, I was lonely, depressed from my divorce, and always terrified that my ex would take my daughter away from me. I always imagined the worst-case scenario... If I got close to the water, I was sure that some shark would use me for lunch... or that the sun would end up disintegrating my skin... I was sure that some of the crazy ideas of this guy would end up with me in jail or dead... although at the time I didn't realize it, he saved me and gave my life meaning again. He showed me that I wasn't as lonely as I thought... he gave me a home and a job that I loved... he watched my back all the time".

Embarrassed, Steve lowered his head again and said in a barely audible voice, "That's nothing compared to what you did for me..."

Danny smiled and kept talking: "I always complained that Steve doesn't talk about his emotions, but right now, I realize that he didn't have to do it most of the time... The truth is... that truth that I discovered less than an hour ago, is that he always told me that he loved me in the moments when it really mattered. Sometimes with words... but most of the time he did it in the most unexpected way. People don't understand that about him. Steve is a man of actions instead of words... that used to frustrate me."

Sam nodded and asked, "But not anymore?"

"No..." Danny replied, "Not anymore... and I don't know if it's because I finally fully understood how his brain works... that's why I said I'm an idiot... I always tried to get him to see things and react like I do, and most of our arguments were about it, but now I know that if that had happened, this relationship wouldn't have been as efficient and long lasting... on and off the job. He's exactly what I need and somehow It seems that I'm exactly what he needs. It's as he said, doc: we complement each other."

* * *

Half an hour later, they left the building at Prospect Plaza and stood at the door, as if neither of them could decide what to do next. "Uff ... that was intense!" Steve said, in a brief summary of the session; Danny smiled and replied, "Yeah... I guess it was... I also think there are some things we need to talk about."

Steve shrugged and started to walk toward the car, heading to the passenger side, while Danny pushed the switch to disable the door locks. When they were both inside, Steve sighed and said, "I know we need to talk, Danny. I just don't know what you want me to say."

Danny thought for a moment and said, "Listen... I don't want to force you to talk... you'll talk about it when you're ready, okay?... I'll tell you what, why don't we find a good place and hang out ...? Come on! Let's do something different, and if the opportunity arises, we'll talk... If not, let's have a good time together. Okay?"

Steve smiled and squinted, trying to guess what Danny was thinking. A second later, he gave up and replied, "You already have a place in mind... don't you?"

"Oh yeah!" Danny replied as he turned on the engine, "I know the perfect place... Fasten your seat belt, Super SEAL." When the car went out onto the street, Steve asked, "Are you going to tell me where that perfect place is?"

Danny thought about it for a few seconds and said, "Mmmm, no..." As they waited for the green light, he looked away at Steve and said, "Oh come on! You said you wanted to see Jersey through my eyes, didn't you? I'm going to take you to a very special place for me... I spent a lot of time there after Grace was killed and after the divorce..."

Steve frowned, "Danny... I don't think that’s a good idea..."

"No!" Danny quickly interrupted him, "It's not a place that brings back sad memories... On the contrary. It brought me peace, at least for moments... It'll be the same for you, I promise. So don't ask more questions, relax and enjoy the ride."

Steve smiled ironically, as he looked out the open window. Across the street, two cars had just collided, and the drivers were yelling at each other. In the distance, the endless symphony of the city could be heard, in which the siren of a fire truck or the noise of an imposing Airbus about to land, stood out from time to time. Danny smiled when he saw the expression on Steve's face when he reached out and turned on the radio; They both laughed out loud as the notes of "Sexy Eyes" flooded the interior of the car.

An hour and a half later, after a pleasant tour along highway 95, Danny turned the wheel toward a small parking lot on Smithville Road. When they got out of the car, Steve took a deep breath... the smell of wet soil and the silence, interrupted by the constant birdsong, flooded his senses. The rain of the last two days had moistened the atmosphere, giving the place a fresh appearance, despite the heat. Twenty minutes later, they both walked along an old wooden bridge that stood over a stream, under the thick green canopy that barely let the light through. They left the trail and began to walk among the trees, heading to a small pond that was barely visible among the tangle of trunks.

Forty or fifty steps ahead, Steve stopped and looked around, closed his eyes and breathed deeply one more time, "This place is beautiful," he finally said.

Without opening his eyes, he heard Danny's footsteps crunching over the thick layer of leaves piled on the ground; When he stood next to him, the man said in a happy voice. "I told you it is... There's a lot of peace here... nobody would say that we are so close to the hustle and bustle of the city, don't you think? Oh! And wait until you see it in winter... when the snow accumulates on the ground next to the river and in the trees there are only a few yellow leaves... it's a landscape worthy of the best Christmas card."

Steve sighed again and said, "Thanks Danny!"

Danny giggled and wrapped his arm around Steve's waist as he said, "Thanks... why? Although I'm proud that this amazing place is in my home state, I can't take credit for it."

Steve put his arm over Danny's shoulders and looked up at the pond, "Thanks for bringing me here... for letting me see why you missed this place so much. Now it all makes sense."

They started walking around the pond until they found a small dark wooden bench hidden among the trees. Steve leaned over and, with the sleeve of his shirt, wiped the excess water off the rough surface, straddled it, and patted the wood in front of him a couple of times, asking Danny to sit down.

When those blue eyes were inches from his, Steve began to speak: "This morning when I came back from running and read your note... I thought..." He took a deep breath and said, "I thought you were leaving."

Danny reached out and gently stroked Steve's cheek saying, "I know... I'm sorry."

"You didn't say it, Danny..." Steve closed his eyes, comforting himself with the warm feeling of Danny's hand on his skin.

"I didn’t say what...?" Danny asked.

Without opening his eyes, Steve whispered, "On that note I wrote that I love you. But you... what you wrote was so cold... so impersonal... I really thought you'd given up on us."

Danny stroked the stubble that covered that perfect chin again, until Steve opened his eyes, then he replied, "No... my doubts weren't about us... For a moment, I thought I couldn't continue all those sessions with Sam... yesterday, he forced me to remember things that I thought I had left behind, I mean Matt's death and everything that happened in Colombia. But even if I had decided to leave the sessions, I would never give up on you... on what we have. I meant what I said, I accepted the challenge and I'm not going to step back. "

Steve frowned and asked, "Am I really that challenging, Danny? Is it really so exhausting to compete with me?"

Danny smiled again and said, "You're the most challenging, the craziest... the most stubborn and the most incredibly perfect guy I've ever met... you stand out... and that's exhausting and exciting at the same time. You never cease to amaze me with every new idea that your crazy head invents, but I confess that..." he paused for a moment and said, "I confess that, at first, I was intimidated by your way of dominating any scene. But, after a while, even that turned out to be a good thing."

"I don't understand..."

"You know me, Steve. I hold onto my comfort zone... or at least that was before I met you. New things scared me, that's why I missed this place so much... I mean Jersey... that's why I held on to ties and patent leather loafers. Because they represented what I knew... the rest, it seemed so intimidating... so threatening... I was alone, until you came into my life. You made a place I hated to become my home, you made me try new things every day, until I finally gave up and, although I never said it out loud, I started to change my perspective on everything... on you."

Danny approached slowly, his hand gently cradled Steve's jaw, and he kissed him. Steve closed his eyes, overwhelmed by the tenderness of that kiss that was, at the same time, an apology and a promise.

When they move away, Steve smiled and asked, "So why did it take you so long to admit it? I mean... ten years, Danny! You were complaining all the time! About pineapple, the weather, the sand... It took you only ten years to admit that Hawaii has beautiful beaches... Everything could have been easier if you'd admitted it from the beginning."

Danny let out another laugh when he got up and said, as he took a few steps and leaned against a tree trunk, "Easier, maybe, but would it have been so much fun without all those complaints? Come on! Admit we've had good times together and that we've had some epic arguments in the Camaro over the years, huh? "

For a moment, Steve seemed to consider Danny's words, until he shrugged and smiled, "Point taken! We've had a good story together, haven't we?" He got up and approached Danny, pressing him against the trunk… He smiled when Danny's lips touched his again and his partner said, "And the best is yet to come!"

The kiss quickly warmed up, Steve made a feeble attempt to stop, "Danny," he whispered. "we can't," he finally gave up when Danny's hands slipped down his chest and they started undoing the buttons. Steve gasped, torn between worrying about the fact that they were in a public park and the thrill of feeling Danny's hands on his skin. He felt Danny slid down the trunk until he sat on the fluffy, damp leaf mattress, so he followed him without breaking the kiss and gently pushed his partner's chest, settling over him.

Danny's hands slipped under his open shirt, frantically stroking his back; Steve pressed his thigh firmly to force his legs apart and his hand slipped between them, searching for the zipper on his pants.

After several attempts, he finally managed to free them; skin-to-skin contact was electrical. Between gasps, they began to move and push to increase the friction... their mouths searched, and their fingers intertwined. The sensations increased with the fine drops of rain that began to fall, soaking his back slowly.

Suddenly, the rain intensified, as did his movements. It seemed as if all the elements had decided to tune into them. The moans were muffled by the sound of rain ruthlessly hitting the pond's surface and the leaf-covered ground. The wind echoed their gasps as it blew and filtered through the branches of the trees.

Finally, the movements became erratic. He held his breath as he watched Danny crumble beneath him with a stifled moan. He pushed a few more times and groaned when a million sparks exploded inside his head in ripples that ran throughout his body... he whispered into Danny's ear, "I love you..." just when a lightning shot through the sky. Slowly he rolled on Danny's body and dropped himself back onto the wet grass.

* * *

It took them a few minutes to catch their breath. A gentle rain fell constantly, kissing and sliding over their skin. Danny rolled on his side and said, "I love you too..." then settled his head on Steve's chest... the man hugged him tightly.

He opened his eyes shortly after, not knowing how much time had passed, Steve breathed softly next to him; The rain had stopped, and the birdsong broke the silence. He tried to move, but Steve tightened the hug. He laughed and said quietly, "Hey ..."

"Mmmm..." It was the only answer he got.

"Hey... we need to get up and dry..."

Steve shook his head without opening his eyes, "No... I don't want to move... This is perfect."

Danny laughed again and asked, "What if someone comes? We don't need any tourists to see us like this. I think we've broken some laws here..."

Steve smiled and said, "You didn't seem too concerned about that before... Besides, it just stopped raining, no one will come." Just as he finished saying those words, they heard some laughter and footsteps coming down the road. They quickly got up and tried to fix their appearance, arranging their soggy clothes and closing buttons and zippers.

Steve was in the top button on his shirt when a couple peeked out from behind the trees. "Hey guys...!" A twenty-five-year-old guy greeted them, pointing to the soggy clothes and the small branches and leaves caught in Danny's blond hair, "Are you okay? It looks like the rain surprised you!" He said as he helped his girlfriend to walk on the wet and slippery ground.

Both men nodded and Steve replied, "Yes, thank you... we try to find a place to shelter from the rain... but it seems that didn't go so well."

The boy smiled knowingly, "Yeah..." he said holding his girlfriend's hand. "Let's hope it doesn't rain again. See you, guys!" He raised his hand and waved it cheerfully until they disappeared into the trees.

Steve and Danny looked at each other for a moment and started laughing uncontrollably. Danny tossed his hair and tried unsuccessfully to straighten his wet clothes. "No one was going to come, huh?" he said when he finally caught his breath.

Steve took Danny's hand and started walking back to the trail, saying, "Who would imagine it, Danno? Who would be stupid enough to walk in this park in the rain?"

Still laughing, Danny replied, "Well... apparently we were."

Steve pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the screen; "No reception here..." he said, while Danny was checking his own phone with the same result... resignedly, they put them back in their pockets.

They walked and spoke for just over two hours; when they got to the car, their clothes were almost dry. Steve reached out demanding the keys, but Danny shook his head. "Oh, come on Danno! I've been a good boy..." he said in a supplicant tone, looking at his partner with puppy eyes.

Danny sighed and handed him the keys, smiling at the childish expression in the man's eyes. He had not seen that expression in a very long time... this big child who could enjoy a hike in the woods or who was excited about the idea of driving on a lonely road, God! He had missed this guy!

The guy in question got in the car and turned on the engine, "Are you hungry?" he asked.

"I'm starving!" Danny answered, while adjusting his seat belt.

"All right... I saw a place back there... It seemed interesting; do you want to try it?"

Three minutes later, Steve parked in front of a small white building with a red tile roof. They ordered delicious hot sandwiches with prosciutto, mozzarella, and roasted peppers, which they devoured in no time, with the help of a couple of ice-cold beers.

"So..." Danny spoke after a long sip of beer, "Did you reply those emails from Lou?"

Steve swallowed a bite and said, "No... I didn't really have a head for that last night... but I guess I can't put it off any longer."

"What are you gonna tell him?"

Steve drank the last of his beer and said, "I don't know... I don't know if I'm ready to talk to someone else... to explain what's going on, but I think I've been silent for a few weeks. I have to tell him that everything is fine... or on the way to be fine, anyway... I owe him. Did he call you?"

Danny smiled: "He texted... a little desperate, a couple of days ago. I replied that we were fine and that I'd call him soon." He paused, then asked, "What about Mary? Are you gonna talk to her?"

Steve shuddered, "I don't know... I don't know if I can face her... not yet."

Danny reached out his arm on the table and took Steve's hand, "Don't you think it's time?"

Steve shook his head from side to side, then looked down and said, "I don't know...", he repeated, "Last time... it was awful, Danny. If I close my eyes, I can still see Joannie's scared look... I don't know what to say to Mary, that can erase that. "

"Steven, listen to me..." Danny waited until Steve raised his head and looked at him, "She knows what's going on... I know Catherine talked to her before she left, but don't you think she deserves to talk to you?"

Steve shrugged and said, "I guess she does. Just, let me think about it and decide what I'm going to tell her. In the meantime, I'll text her, okay?"

Danny nodded in silence... he still had to ask him if he was willing to talk to Grace and Charlie. The kids had asked about him several times and wanted to talk to him... but, for now, he decided not to tempt luck. This day, which had started so complicatedly, had turned out to be a good day: Steve seemed in a good mood for the first time in months and Danny didn't want to ruin that. He raised his hand to get the waiter's attention and asked for the check.

When they got to the apartment, it was almost 8 pm. Steve turned off the engine and yawned loudly. The intense emotions of the day, along with nearly 36 hours without sleep, had exhausted him to the bone. All he wanted was a hot shower and to hug Danny until they both fell asleep.

* * *

Heavy knocks on the door woke them up. They both rubbed their eyes and looked at each other before another series of knocks forced them to get up. Danny put on his t-shirt and looked at his watch, "Are we waiting for someone?" He asked.

Steve shook his head while looking at his own watch. The numbers danced before his eyes, who the hell could knock on their door at 6 a.m.?

"I'll go ..." Danny said, as he entered the living room. Steve sat on the bed, listening carefully. Suddenly, a familiar voice, coming from the living room, stood out when it yelled, "Danooooo!" 


	19. There's a grain of truth in every joke.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who knocks on the door?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI guys! Here is the next chapter. Most of it is written from Grace's POV. This is the first time I do this, I hope I've shown the character well. Please tell me what you think and enjoy your reading. This chapter takes some dialogue from episodes 1x03, 1x12, 1x23, 2x15, 3x10, 5x12, 5x18, 7x08, 9x12 and 9x13. There's no intention of infringing copyright. Please read the disclaimer on Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 19** **. There's a grain of truth in every joke.**

Steve froze when he heard Grace's voice and a wave of panic surged from his stomach. He wasn't sure he could do this. Something similar to shame colored his cheeks; It was as if all the damage, injuries and risks he had faced throughout his life were nothing compared to the possibility of facing Grace. He was ashamed of his own weakness, but, as he had told Danny the day before, he had no strength to speak to anyone else... To admit his own vulnerability.

 _"You are being ridiculous!"_ He said to himself ... _that's Gracie, for heaven's sake!_ His brain rebelled at the absurdity of his emotions, but he couldn't help it. Grace had always seen him as some kind of hero, and Steve knew that image could crumble in a minute, as soon as she saw who he was become.

He sat on the edge of the bed and tried to control his accelerated breathing. A cold sweat slipped from his temples to his neck, wetting the edge of his shirt. He leaned forward, rested his elbows on his thighs and hid his face between his hands.

Suddenly, the cheerful sound of the light-hearted conversation between father and daughter, which until then had been heard from the living room, was interrupted, replaced by the soft sound of Danny's bare feet when he entered the room again.

"Hey... Grace's here!" Danny said, but his voice changed as soon as he saw Steve. He cautiously approached and knelt in front of him. "Hey...!" he said in a low, incredibly sweet voice.

Steve mustered the courage and looked up. His eyes ached and a couple of tears dripped from his eyelashes. Danny raised his right hand and gently wiped them. "Hey... what's wrong?"

Steve let out a sarcastic laugh, "I don't know..." he answered honestly.

"Hey... Hey. You don't have to do this if you don't want to... I know you said you didn't know if you were ready to talk to someone else... I get it, Steve. You can stay here until you're ready... or if you rather, Grace and I can leave for a while. Give you some time."

Danny tried to get up, but Steve grabbed him by the arm, "No... Danno, don't go please! God ... I'm behaving like a fool!"

Steve passed his hands over his face several times, rubbing his eyes hard, took a deep breath and said, "It's just that... I don't know what's wrong with me... I'm ashamed to admit I'm afraid, Danny...! I know it's silly... that's Gracie in there. She's my girl! But I'm afraid she'll realize what I am now..."

Danny's hand kept stroking his cheek when he asked, "And what are you?"

"This... this pathetic shadow of the man I once was. I don't want her to see that..."

"Steve... we've talked about this. You're not a pathetic shadow, you're a man who's been hurt and is doing whatever it takes to get up again. That girl over there thinks you're a hero and that's what she'll see... the amazing guy she's always admired, her beloved uncle Steve is still here... don't you see?"

Steve took a deep breath a couple of times and asked, "What did you tell her...?"

Danny thought about his answer for a few seconds and then said, "I told her we were here because there were some issues we both need to solve... she knows you're hurt. Steve... she's family, don't hide from her."

Steve asked in a trembling voice, "She knows...? I mean, ... everything that happened?"

Danny smiled, "I stopped hiding things from my daughter a long time ago. Grace is now an adult, Steve... I think she started to be an adult too soon. She's been through a lot... she has seen and heard things that no child should. After Ray shot me, Grace demanded that I no longer hide things from her, no matter how painful the truth was. She said she could handle it, so, yeah ... she knows."

Steve shuddered ... this was worse than he thought; he stuttered when he said, "But... what about Mexico... and then everything that happened with the cipher... does she know?"

"Not all…" Danny got up and sat next to him on the bed. "She doesn’t know the details... I told her that Doris had died at the end of a disastrous mission in Mexico and that you had gone there to look for her. I told her you were there when she died... I told her that your mother had sent you a mysterious letter that had caused us some trouble... and someone hurt me for that..."

Steve bowed his head again and sighed, "Oh, God!"

Danny spoke again, "But I also told her that you had get there just in time to save me... do you want to know what she told me?"

Steve shook his head and said, "I don't know... do I?"

Danny let out a giggle and said, "She said, _'Of course Uncle Steve got there in time Danno... he always does'_... Listen to me Steve... Grace knows what post-traumatic stress is. We haven't talked about it, but I'm sure she has a pretty good idea of what people like you are going through... those who protect our country at an incredibly high cost... You're her hero, Steve... nothing's going to change that."

Steve resisted believing him, how could he? At that moment he felt the exact opposite of a hero. As usual, Danny seemed to read his mind; He took his hand and said, "And the fact that you're going through all this, that you're here, trying to get better, reinforces the idea. She loves you... nothing can change that either".

Steve felt his breathing calm down, his heart no longer seemed to want to come out of his chest; he gently stroked Danny's hand when the man asked him, "So... do you want to do this? You want to see Grace? Because she's dying to see you..."

Steve nodded, got up, and walked to the mirror. He wiped his eyes and ran his hands through his hair. Then he examined his clothes; He was wearing a faded Navy T-shirt and shorts. "Maybe I should use something more... appropriate", he said.

Danny smiled and got up, walked until he stood behind Steve, wraped his waist with both arms and put his chin on his partner's shoulder, his gaze fixed on their reflection in the mirror. "Don't be silly..." he said, "Grace has seen you dressed like this thousands of times... Also, despite how you feel, it doesn't matter if you wear this, or your blue uniform which is black... you're still the most stupidly attractive guy I've ever met."

A frightened look peeked into Steve's eyes when he asked, "Did you tell her... I mean… about us?"

Danny smiled again, "Not yet... but I don't think it's necessary. I think she'll find out very soon."

They stood there, looking at each other in the mirror. Steve shuddered when he asked, "Do you think she'll be okay with this?"

Danny kissed his neck and said, "I think so... she’ll be more than okay... Like everyone else, Grace made jokes about us for years, and you know what Freud said, there's a grain of truth in every joke, ¿right?”

Danny grabbed him by the arm and gently forced him to turn around, then put his hand on Steve's neck and pulled him for a kiss. He smiled again and said, "Don't worry about it now... we'll talk to her when you're ready... for now, come and give your niece a hug, before she comes looking for us, okay?"

Steve took a deep breath and began walking behind Danny to the living room.

* * *

Grace was nervous. She hadn’t seen Danno for over six months, when they met at her grandparents' house for the holidays. Now, she had just finished her first year at Columbia University... in all that time, she hadn't seen his uncle Steve and she missed him.

She was worried when Danny told her about Steve's mom... She knew Danno hadn't told her everything... Dad had hidden the horrible details that, she was sure, were everywhere in that story. She was still mad about it… damn it! The man hadn't suffered enough?

She began to suspect the seriousness of the situation the first time she spoke to his dad after his arrival in Jersey. Danny had told her that Steve was in a program to help veterans with PTSD. She did research... she read everything she could about the topic. She spent hours in the campus library looking for a way to help this man who, to her, meant almost as much as her own parents.

When Danno pulled away from their third hug and whispered that he was going to look for Steve, she sat down on the huge couch and her mind began to wander. Steve and Grace had a very special relationship and she wasn't going to give that up. She knew that the man would have trouble admitting what he thought was a weakness, so she had to show him that she didn't think it was so. Gradually, her memories carried her through all the incredible moments they had spent together.

* * *

_Steve had shaken her little hand that day with great affection. From that moment on, she had been able to guess that, between her father and this huge guy, there was a special connection. She immediately understood why._

_“Hey, Gracie. I'm Steve! It's great to meet you finally. Your dad… he talks about you all the time.”_

_“He talks about you a lot, too.”_

_Steve had laughed about it... his smile was open and contagious when he said,_ _“Really? Does he?”_

 _Then Danno had been nervous and tried to explain it,_ _“We, uh… we commiserate. It's a father-daughter thing.”_

_She remembered that, at first, she had been afraid of meeting his dad's new boss. Danno always described him as crazy. But that wasn’t what she saw that day. His smile was like child’s, with that mischievous look when he also asked nachos for him. Quickly, the fearsome man her father complained about all the time became Uncle Steve._

_She was so angry with her mom when she said the shooting on the football field had been Danno's fault. At that time, she didn’t understand the reason, although he had begun to get used to it... they had fought so much, all the time… and Danno had been so sad. He had even had to go after them when Stan set out to move to Hawaii. But since Danno had changed his work at HPD to join that 'crazy Neanderthal' his life began to change... he was calmer and he smiled more often._

_Everyone thought she was too young to understand... but she knew Uncle Steve had a lot to do with that change, so she started trusting him._

* * *

_She would never forget that first Christmas. Danno was smiling… Uncle Steve and the others were there. The smile on the man's face as he observed the father-daughter hug would always be etched in her mind._

_“Hey, Grace. Hi!”_

_Everyone screamed, “Mele Kalikimaka!”_ _From the room, Danny's voice had screamed,_ _“Merry Christmas, please.”_

 _Uncle Steve had looked at her with complicity and asked her,_ _“Who's that? Did you hear that?”_

 _Then the fake laughter,_ _“Ho! Ho! Ho!”_

 _She had hugged Santa... the Christmas ritual had always been important to them, so she shouted,_ _“Santa!”_

_“Oh! Yes, it is Santa. Merry Christmas.”_

_She smiled as she recalled how ridiculous Danno looked in that huge suit, “Looks like you lost some weight”._

_“Just a little bit. Come here. What did you get me? Any presents?”_

_Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Uncle Steve's beaming smile._

* * *

_Grace remembered the fear she had felt that day:_

_“¡Hey, Gracie!”_

_“¡Uncle Steve…!”_

_“Hey… Hey, kiddo.”_

_Suddenly, Grace had realized something was wrong. It was the first time Uncle Steve came to school to pick her up, so she asked,_ _“¿Where's daddy?”_

 _She had been scared... so scared when she saw the look in those eyes, Uncle Steve had explained what happened as best he could,_ _“Listen, Gracie, Danno's, uh… not feeling the best, okay? I’m gonna take you to the hospital. We're gonna go see him.”_

_“Is he going to be okay?”_

_Steve put his brave face and answered,_ _“Is he gonna be okay? Let me tell you about your father. He might not talk like it, but he's one tough guy. And he's brave as well. Can you be brave like Danno?”_

_No one had called her dad Danno, besides her... That was his special name, but somehow, she didn't mind Uncle Steve doing that, so she had tried to be brave and nodded._

_“Are you sure?”_ _Steve had asked and she had nodded again, then the man got up, took her hand and said,_ _“Then we should go see him. What are you waiting for? Come on.”_

_Somehow, the contact of her little hand wrapped in that big hand had made her feel safe._

_In the hospital, time had passed very slowly. She had started to get bored ... Grace smiled when she remembered that somehow Uncle Steve had gotten some sheets of paper and some crayons... She never knew where he had got them._

_“Gracie, let's go see Danno.”_ _Uncle Steve hold her hand, picked up her backpack and took her to his dad's room. They both sneaked in and Steve whispered,_ _“Looks like he's sleeping.”_ _But Danno opened his eyes and looked at her with a smile._

_“Danno!”_

_“Monkey!”_

_“I made this for you.” She had given him the sheet with the drawing, Danno had turned it over and had shown it to Uncle Steve with eyes full of pride, “Look at this. This is me. This is you. This is a masterpiece. Look at that. I mean, she's an artist, no? It's beautiful!... I'm gonna make a nice space on the refrigerator, move some stuff around. This is going dead center. Thank you.”_

_Uncle Steve had stood at the end of the bed and crossed his arms, looking at Grace and Danno with a smile, “¿How are you feeling?”_

_“Uh, I don't know. I feel like everything hurts. My head feels like it's gonna explode. Like the worst hangover I've ever had.”_

_“What's a hangover?”_

_Danno had stuttered and Uncle Steve was looking at him with a strange smile, “It's, uh... You'll figure it out. You'll learn about it one day when you're about, what, 35?”_

_She hadn't understood what they were talking about, she understood less when Uncle Steve smiled again and said, “Thirty-five, Thirty... Sixteen.”_

_But Danno interrupted him and said, “Forty years old.” Then Danno's expression turned weird too, when he looked at Uncle Steve and said “Thank you.”_

_“Yeah, don't mention it. Listen, since you're, uh, looking so good, I'm gonna head back to the office, okay? I'll swing by, pick her up later. She can stay with me until Rachel gets back. How's that sound?”_

_Danno knew that Grace didn't like being with strangers, so he had asked, “What do you think?” But she nodded with a smile; somehow, the chance to spend time with Uncle Steve seemed fun._

_He smiled and said, “Okay.” Then he looked at Danno again and asked, “¿You okay?”_

_“Yeah, I got everything I need right here. I'm good.”_

_Grace smiled as she remembered the way her father had hugged her that day, still holding the sheet of paper covered in childish strokes. She tried, unsuccessfully, to recall the moment she started to make more drawings... half of them had ended in Uncle Steve's refrigerator door._

* * *

_She felt a pressure in her chest when she remembered the darkness, the knocks on the heavy metal door, and Danno's scream. “Grace!”_

_“Daddy!”_

_“Baby, stay away from the door, okay?”_

_A moment later, Danno and Uncle Steve's faces were inches from hers, “You okay, baby? Huh?”_

_She tried to be brave again, “Yeah.”_

_“You hurt anywhere?”_ _She shook her head, “You sure? Huh? Come here… Okay.”_

_Uncle Steve's voice was the opposite of Danny's: Calm, as always... trying to make her feel safe, “One more second, sweetheart, and we'll have you out of here, okay?”_

_“I wanna go home.”_

_She remembered very few things after that... the clearest was his father's tight hug and the warm, comforting touch of Uncle Steve's hand on her back._

* * *

_“I once saw a boar... kill a tiger in India.” Uncle Steve's gaze was like a kids’ on Christmas morning... Grace smiled remembering ... all the Aloha Girls looked at him, spellbound. “This is serious business, okay? I'll tell you why. Boars are deadly, unpredictable beasts. They are all around us right now. They can attack without warning, so you guys have to be ready to protect yourselves at all times. You understand? …All right, good. We're gonna talk about the kill zone now. This is very important, okay?”_

_Grace had noticed her dad and Madeline's reaction when she called Uncle Steve "Colonel Kurtz" and had warned Danno to make sure Uncle Steve didn't kill anyone. It was true that the man had pulled out a huge knife, but God! Didn't they know that he wouldn't hurt anyone?_

_The man kept talking, excited, “Hunters think they can get through the armor of a pig. The most vulnerable spot is right between the shoulder blades. This is my weapon of choice.”_

_Grace didn't know if the girls were even more excited than Uncle Steve when the man pulled out his knife and they all said in amazement, “Ooh…!”_

_“It's got a 10.5-inch, razor-sharp...”_

_Then, Madeline had gone looking for Lucy, and Danno started talking to Uncle Steve to convince him to do boring things. She didn't want that to happen... this was exciting._

_“Let's take this opportunity to talk about something else. Something useful, like how to find fresh water. Or… I don't know, how to build a pillow out of flowers, something like that. Something appropriate for the age group.”_

_Uncle Steve had smiled at Danno's suggestion and said, “Yeah, we could definitely do that… Or…” Danno thought he had won the battle, but Uncle Steve, as always, had done something unexpected and absolutely fun. All the girls screamed in amazement as the knife dug neatly into the trunk of that tree._

_“Oooooh!”_

_The man's smile had been huge when he asked, “Who wants to learn how to do that?”_

_All the girls started raising their hands and screaming excitedly, “I do! I do…! Me! Me!”_

_Things got very difficult after that, the bad guy had shot his dad and she had been so scared... But Danno and Uncle Steve had figured it all out… they had caught the bad guys, they had retrieved all those diamonds, and Uncle Steve had kept Lucy safe._

_When the blond girl confessed to her, days later, that when she grew up she would marry Uncle Steve, Grace couldn't suppress the small wave of jealousy… Uncle Steve was hers and no one else's._

* * *

_The constant tapping of their feet echoed in her ears. She was sure she couldn't make it, but Uncle Steve kept saying, “Dig deep… You got this... Keep breathing. Okay?”_

_She was tired, but Uncle Steve looked cool as a lettuce... he didn't even sweat even though they had been running for over an hour, "Mm-hm ..." that was the only answer she was able to give._

_“Just a little further. All right, push yourself now… Push yourself. Straight away, push yourself… Go, Grace! Go! Go! Push yourself, Grace…! That's it!”_

_She stopped, resting her hands on her thighs and trying to catch her breath. Uncle Steve approached her and they both clapped their hands as he said, “Hey. That right there is what we call a six-minute, 18-second mile. That President's Physical Fitness medal is in the bag. You hear me?”_

_She had gasped before answering, “Good, because I didn't do so hot last year.”_

_But, as always, he tried to cheer her up, “Forget about last year. This year's gonna be different.”_

_When she was finally able to speak, she had said, “Thanks for helping me, Uncle Steve. Danno says only thing he hates more than swimming is running.”_

_“Don't worry about Danno. It scares me to think what that guy's gonna be like when he actually is a grumpy old man.”_

_“I know…” The screeching of tires made her look away, “That looks just like your car, Uncle Steve!”_

_“That's because it is my car… Listen, you don't move from this spot. You don't talk to anybody” He told her, worried about leaving her alone, but afraid that he wouldn’t be able to catch the guy who took his beloved Marquis._

_She had tried to reassure him, “Okay, I won't”_

_“Don't move, all right?”_

_“I won't. I won't, I promise. Go!”_

_Of course, Danno was furious when he learned that Steve had left her alone, no matter that it had only been a few minutes. But then, as always, everything was solved between them._

_“You know what you are?” Danno had asked when he came over to talk about the boy Uncle Steve had helped. Grace stopped paying attention to what Samantha was saying and began to listen._

_“This should be good.”_

_“You're a half-baked cookie. Soft, gooey on the inside. Kid should be in juvenile hall and you go and you give him a job. That's why I love you, babe. You… You like fixing broken toys, right?”_

_“Yeah. I guess I do.”_

_Silently Grace crossed her fingers… That was the first time she had heard Danno tell Uncle Steve that he loved him… she prayed it wasn't the last._

* * *

_Grace was on the swing ... Sadness and worry clenched in her throat ... This couldn't be possible... Danno wasn’t a murderer, but the man had said that when he arrested him, in front of the entire class. The noise of the engine made her look up. Uncle Steve's blue truck pulled over at a short distance._

_Unable to suppress hope she got up and screamed, “Dannooo…!”_

_Disappointment kept her from going a step further when Uncle Steve got out of the car... alone._

_When they were both sitting, she dared to say what she was thinking, “They said he was arrested for murder.”_

_Uncle Steve didn't seem to know what to answer, so he just said, “It's a complicated situation.”_

_She pushed him, “Is it true? Did he kill someone? Who is it? Was he bad?”_

_He looked at her as if he wanted to convey a confidence that he didn’t feel, “Gracie, listen to me, all right? You have to believe in your father. Your dad, he's the best man I know, and everything he does, he does to protect the people he loves. So, no matter what happens, you got to know that.”_

_Fearful, she replied, “Okay.”_

_Uncle Steve seemed to understand the fear that was choking her, so he hugged her, in the same way that his father would have if he had been there, “Come here…” Then, he made a promise, “I promise you, kid, I promise I'm gonna bring Danno home, all right?” He kissed her head and said, “I love you.”_

_That gesture reassured her in a way she didn't think was possible, Uncle Steve had said he loved her and that he would bring Danno home. She believed him... and he kept his word._

* * *

_Everything got complicated with the transplant... At first she couldn't understand why her dad would let a piece of his body be ripped off to give it to someone else... What would happen if Danno died? A dark part in the back of her mind knew that she would always blame Steve if that happened. But she understood later, when her dad woke up after surgery and asked to see her... Danno wasn’t just trying to save someone's life... It was Uncle Steve's life!_

_Danno told her that he understood the risk he took, but he had no choice... Without his liver Steve would die hopelessly... She understood... Her father loved Uncle Steve and he couldn’t survive if he died... In silence, she thanked that man for having given Danno a chance to love again... unconditionally... Although, at the time, she doubted either of them would do anything about it._

* * *

_“Stay down! Stay down!”_

_“Everybody stay down!”_

_“Everybody all right?”_

_She was terrified, even when she knew she was safe with Danno… Her dad’s arms wrapped tightly around her as the shots pierced the air. She dared look up slightly and saw him enter the ballroom... in her mind, Uncle Steve was the knight in shining armor. When it was all over, the man started pacing the room looking for someone... “Grace… Where's Grace...? Grace, where are you?”_

_She got up and ran to him, “Uncle Steve!”_

_The man seemed to breathe at last and said, “Grace! You okay?”_ _He took her in his arms and hugged her desperately.” When they moved away, he looked at Danno incredulously and said, “What, nothing? Nothing? No hug?”_

_Danno took a deep breath, Grace was sure her dad didn't notice his words until they escaped his lips, “I’m so happy to see you right now, I'll give you a hug, I'll give you a kiss, pick a base.”_

_She couldn't suppress a small stab of disappointment when Uncle Steve replied, “Give me the hug.” God! Could these two be dumber? She knew Uncle Steve couldn't have chosen the other option... they were in a public place and it wasn't the best time to accept how they felt about each other... She could only hope that would happen someday... soon._

* * *

_She felt, once again, the enormous peace she always felt with Uncle Steve's hugs ... The man smiled at her and said, “Welcome home, honey. Come here.”_

_Everything that happened after the accident was spinning in her head, shrouded in mist. Her father had told her that Uncle Steve had caught the guy who caused the accident... She wasn't surprised at all. The guy could do everything._

_Mr. Grover's voice sounded distant. At that time she only had eyes for her uncle Steve. She tried to thank them, but she knew that any word she said wouldn’t be enough, “Dad told me what you guys did for me.”_

_“Oh, yeah? What?”_ _Steve pretended not to understand what she was talking about, so she tried to explain what she was feeling, “How you found the guy who... I just want to say thank you.”_

 _Uncle Steve had smile, “Well, you're welcome. Listen, just 'cause you're all growing up and out to college, and, you know, being independent, we're still here, okay? Any time you need us, we got you.”_ _She didn’t doubt it for one moment._

* * *

_Grace remembered how worried she was about Danno for the next few days… She understood, the man almost lost his daughter in an accident… Her dad had fluttered around her, trying to please her. He gave her food and all the time he asked her how she felt._

_She wasn't worried about the suffocating feeling… she could handle it, if that made Danno feel better… but the man seemed nervous and he had come up with the cool idea of trying to make his relationship with his mom work again. That was the last straw, she had to do something soon. Her guardian angel appeared at that moment, timely as ever, to help her get Danno out of his own head._

_“Where's my girl?”_

_“Good morning to you, too.”_

_“Yoooo!”_

_“Uncle Steve!”_

_“What's up? What's up? Don't do that. Don't get up. Don't get up. Stay right there…” he had leaned down and given her another one of those amazing hugs, he sighed when he said, “Oh, hi, hi, hi!”_

_Then he leaned on the back of the chair and asked, “How you doing?”_

_“Good”._

_“Good. You look good. You look good.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“How's Pops doing? Is he looking after you okay while Mom's away?”_

_Danny had come in behind Uncle Steve and approached her, “That's a silly question. Of course I am.”_

_Grace had smiled at Uncle Steve's attempt to steal her pancakes, something Danno was unwilling to allow, “Whoa, hey!”_

_“What?”_

_“What's the matter with you? What are you, an animal?”_

_“Just want a little piece.”_

_“She's, uh… recovering from a serious accident. You don't need pancakes. She needs pancakes. Sit down and relax.” Danny defended his daughter's pancakes fiercely, then looked at her and said, “Eat up, so you can get back in bed.”_

_She had smiled and pushed the pancake plate towards Uncle Steve saying, “But I'm not at all tired… or hungry.”_

_Uncle Steve's childish reaction had made her laugh, “Yay!” but Danno objected, “Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Please put the, uh, plate back in front of my daughter, please.”_

_Reluctantly, Steve had returned the plate to Grace. She smiled again... she loved the interactions between these two guys. She hoped that some of them would react soon, because she was going to college and she wanted to make sure Danno would be with someone who loved him deeply._

_“Thank you. Okay, here's the thing. Doctor said you got to eat a lot of food, you got to get a lot of rest, and you'll feel like a nice young lady again, you'll feel normal, like a person, so please eat your pancakes.”_

_Mentally, Grace had quickly put the finishing touches on her plan, with an innocent look she said, “Okay. But, Dad, I was actually feeling a little cold. Could you get me my sweatshirt? Please?”_

_She waited patiently for Danno to make sure she was okay before going for the sweatshirt. He touched her forehead and said, “You're cold? You don't have a fever or nothing... All right.”_ _He had said, looking menacingly at Uncle Steve, “Don't touch her pancakes, you animal.”_

_When she was sure Danno was gone, she turned to look at Steve pleadingly. He approached her and listened carefully. That’s what she loved most about him… he never treated her like a little girl. He always spoke to her with the truth and he trusted her... which made her trust him, blindly._

_“Please. You got to do something. He's driving me crazy!”_

_“It's that bad?”_

_“Yeah. He's all up in my business all day. Checking up on me, bringing me food. So much soup.”_

_He had frowned and asked, “Soup? He's doing soup? Matzo ball?...” Then he rolled his eyes and said, “Uff! he's like a Jewish grandmother with that stuff!” He approached her and said in a low voice, “All right, look, Gracie, here's the thing. When you were in the hospital, Danno was really upset, of course. He felt helpless, there was nothing he could do… He just had to sit there and wait for the news, but now that he's got you back home, he wants to take care of you, you know? And he's gonna do everything he can to get you back on your feet. He loves you, you know.”_

_“And I love him for that. But if you could just get him out of here, even for a few hours.”_

_“Give me one of those pancakes.”_

_Danno had come back and began to spreading butter on her pancakes. She smiled when Steve reproached him, “You never butter my pancakes.”_

_Uncle Steve's phone rang and after a short call he said, “We'll be right there.”_

_"We? What's ‘we’?”_

_Grace tried not to laugh when Uncle Steve gave a performance worthy of the best Broadway production, “I need you, buddy. I just got a homicide. I'm gonna need you on this one. I'm so sorry. Grace, are you gonna be okay if I take him?”_

_She replied with mock resignation, “Aw. You go. I'll be okay, but I was really looking forward to spending the day with you, Daddy.”_

_But Danno didn't take the bait, he got up and walked towards the door while saying in a voice full of sarcasm: “Me, too, Monkey. Eat, please.”_

_Uncle Steve looked at her knowingly and winked; in a barely audible voice she said, “Thank you.”_

_That had been the last time they had hung out together... until now. She had tried to talk to him when she had spoken to Danno on the phone in the past few weeks. But the man had refused. His father had told him that Steve was in a dark place and that he needed time. She had understood and, at first, she had decided to give him the time he was asking for; she had decided to wait for him to be ready, but two days ago she understood that, knowing Uncle Steve, that might never happen, so she decided to take the matter in her own hands._

* * *

When Steve came out into the living room, he looked in surprise at the beautiful young lady who was sitting on the couch. He couldn't believe how much she had changed in a year. Grace seemed lost in her thoughts and didn't realize he was looking at her until Danny said out loud, “Monkey!”

She raised her head and looked at Steve. She got up and walked over to him, wrapped her arms around his neck. He hugged her tight. "Gracie!" he whispered in her hair. They held each other for a few minutes. She sobbed into his chest and he stroked her hair tenderly. "Gracie...!" he said again. "Don't cry please, or you're gonna make me cry too." She giggled and moved away, quickly wiping her eyes. When she finally looked at him, she saw that his eyes were red too and she joked, "It's a little late for that..."

He also laughed and ran his thumb over the corners of his eyes, "You've changed... your hair is shorter" he finally said. She smiled, reached out and stroked his cheek saying, "You’ve changed too... I missed you Uncle Steve."

"I missed you too Gracie..."

Then, they stood there, without knowing what to say... there were many things fluttering in Steve's mind, but he didn't know how to start.

On the way to the kitchen, Danny patted Steve on the back, kissed his daughter on the cheek, and said, "Why don't we make some coffee and catch up?"

Steve and Grace didn’t answer. They kept looking at each other, waiting. When Danny disappeared into the kitchen, she finally mustered up some courage and asked, "Why?"

Steve frowned and started to walk in front of her, moved one of the chairs for her to sit on and sat, in front of her, saying, "I'm sure that question can refer to many things Gracie. Do you want to be more specific?"

Grace leaned her elbows on the table and approached Steve to say, "Why didn't you want to talk to me?"

Steve didn't move, even though all he wanted in that moment, was to get up and get out of there. “It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to you, Gracie. In the last few weeks I haven't been able to speak to anyone besides Danno… the last year was… difficult.”

She reached out and took his hand, “I know… that's why your family wanted to be there for you, Uncle Steve. I’m your family… and Danno and Charlie.”

"Yes, Gracie. I know and I appreciate it... really, but... it's complicated. I couldn’t... What’s happening to me is very…”

"Uncle Steve..." she cut him off, "I know what PTSD is. When Danno told me what was going on, I made my own research, I read a lot. I thought that if I knew what was happening to you, it would be easier for you to talk to me… I want to help you, but I don't know how.”

Steve sighed and wiped his eyes again, "You've already done, Gracie... more than you can imagine," he replied, "Thank you..."

She stroked his hand and said, “I’ve known you forever, Uncle Steve… After my parents and my brother, you’re the most important person in my life. In recent days I’ve thought so much about you... about all the things we've been through together. I could see and hear your laughter and I remembered all the times you were there for me... for us. Please let me help you because I need you back."

He nodded and she spoke again, “I knew… about your mom, Uncle Steve. I’m so sorry! I’d have wanted to be there for you.”

Steve sighed, "Yeah... it wasn't nice... it was pretty awful, actually."

"Uncle Steve, can I ask you a question?" she asked cautiously.

"Of course, Gracie."

"Do you trust me?"

Steve shuddered. He narrowed his eyes and said, "What are you talking about? Of course, I trust you, Gracie!"

She squeezed his hand and said, “Then talk to me… I know there are many things you can’t tell me, but, please, talk to me. Tell me about what happened… I know it can be difficult, but talking about it can help, you know?”

Steve nodded, trying to decide what to say to this amazing girl. He thought the situation was surreal: He was supposed to be the one to comfort and help Grace. He decided that even when there were things he couldn't tell her, he wasn't going to lie. "Okay." He accepted, "What do you want to know?"

Grace didn’t waste the opportunity and asked, "Your mom... she made a dangerous job, right?" Steve nodded and she asked, “Is that why you went to Mexico? To help her on a mission?”

Steve swallowed hard the lump in his throat and said, “You can't talk to anybody about this, you understand, right?" When she nodded, he said, “My mom… Doris. She had that job since before I was born. Soon things became too dangerous and she... she decided it was best if she disappeared for a while, so she led us to believe that she had died in a car accident... I was fifteen... twenty years after I learned that she was alive."

"You must have been very angry about that, right?"

Steve nodded… neither of them noticed that Danny was standing by the kitchen door, listening carefully.

Steve kept talking, "After I went looking for her in Japan, I brought her to Hawaii, remember?"

Grace thought for a moment and said, "I remember... but I also remember that she left again."

Steve shrugged, “Listen, Gracie… When a person does… the job my mother did, it’s very difficult to leave it behind. There’s always someone, friend or enemy, who wants that person back. So, she went back to work on it.”

Grace nodded, understanding. "So, she was doing that job all these years?"

"Yes, Gracie. It seems she was on several dangerous missions. But the last one… in Mexico…”

"What happened, Uncle Steve?"

Steve took a deep breath, "Someone went to Hawaii and told me that she was in trouble. It seems that… she got involved with dangerous people… They wanted me to go there and get her out, but I couldn't do it… I did everything I could but I couldn't save her.” A lonely tear slid down Steve's cheek, Grace reached out and wiped it away. When he seemed to calm down, she asked, "Did you go there alone?"

Steve nodded again, "That was the condition, Gracie... you see, they wanted to involve... as few people as possible."

"Why Danno didn’t go with you?"

“He couldn't, Grace… you must understand that it was quite a risky situation. They wanted me to go alone, and even if he could, I wouldn't have let him go.”

"Why, Uncle Steve? He is your partner.”

"Yes. But, like I said, it was too dangerous… Danno… he has Charlie, he has you… Do you remember when I promised you that I would always do my best to keep him safe?”

Grace smiled, "Yes ... I remember."

“Well… if he had gone with me, I… I’d have broken that promise, Gracie… he had already risked enough in all these years. Either way, when the time came, he sent me help… and from Oahu, he and the team did their best to help me… without them, maybe I wouldn't have made it out of there alive.”

"But your mom... she died. Maybe if Danno had been there, that wouldn’t have happened.”

Steve smiled sadly. “Listen to me Gracie… there’s nothing… absolutely nothing that Danno could have done to prevent it to happen. Doris was involved in very serious matters, with people who don’t forgive… Those people killed her.”

"I understand..." Grace said, "Can I ask you another question?" Steve nodded.

"Did you have enough time...?"

Steve frowned again, "Time...?"

"Yes..." Grace replied, took Steve's hand again and asked, "Did you have enough time to tell her that you loved her?"

Steve squeezed Grace's hand and replied, "Yes, Gracie... I managed to say it before she died... and she said it too... She said she regretted everything that had happened... and that she loved me."

"That's good...!" Grace said and approached him, "I'm gonna tell you a secret, okay? But you can't tell Danno, promise?"

"Gracie... I…," Steve started to say, but she cut him off, "It's not a bad thing, Uncle Steve... it's just that if he finds out, he'll worry, promise?"

Steve nodded and she said, “You know what scared me the most about Danno's job? It had nothing to do with all those years when Mom was ranting about the riskiness of his job... or with the fact that she took advantage of that to hide that Charlie was his son... every time someone hurt him... or worse. Do you want to know what scared me the most?”

Steve didn't dare move a muscle, so she said, "It scared me that I couldn’t have enough time... to tell him one more time that I loved him." Overwhelmed, Steve closed his eyes, but heard her speak again, “I started to worry less after a while, after the Colombia thing… with everything that happened that year… I understood that you two… have something special… and that you would always do everything possible to keep your promise.” Grace's fingers stroked the back of his hand until he opened his eyes again.

"That is why I say that it’s good that you were able to tell your mother that you loved her... not for her, because I’m sure she knew it... It’s good for you. It will help you heal… You need to heal from all that pain Uncle Steve… if you don't, you won't be able to move on. And you need to move on… Hold on to Danno, because you two love each other…”

Steve looked at her in surprise, but she said, "I know, Uncle Steve... I've known for a while... I was just praying that one of you two would realize before it was too late... It's not too late, Uncle Steve."

Steve blushed deeply and Grace smiled, understanding, “It already happened, didn’t it? Are you two finally together?” Grace let out a yell of joy, “Wow! Finally! I should have figured it out... You two... alone... in this apartment… Oh, come on! don't think I didn't notice that the other two bedrooms haven't been furnished yet. I bet there's a perfectly good bed in your room, huh?”

Steve leaned down and hid his face in his hands… a couple of seconds later, he sighed gratefully when Danny entered the room, determined to get him out of his misery, and said, “Yes Grace… stop torturing Steve… we… I mean… there are many things that we haven't still solved… but I think that we’re both perfectly clear that we want to be together.”


	20. This is your family now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my God! This is the next chapter. I know ... I know ... I said that there was only one chapter left and It was, I swear. But when I finished editing it, it had over 10,000 words! I tried to shorten it, but my beta suggested it was better if I divided it into two chapters. I'm sorry about that. I'm fixing the final details on the second part. I hope to post it tomorrow. Thanks for staying with me and please tell me what you think.

**CHAPTER 20. This is your family now. (Part one)**

The scent of home at the best time of year permeated his senses when the door opened. The Williams' house was fully lit by thousands of multi-colored spotlights that gave it a festive atmosphere and reminded him of past times… better times, when his family had not yet been dismembered.

Danny and Steve, with a restless Charlie on his shoulders, stood by the door and watched the scene. A huge Christmas tree reigned from one corner of the living room; the fireplace was lit, and all the family members who were already there, were sitting around the coffee table, which was covered with an immense number of goodies. Those Green and Red iced cookies and Grandma Williams' famous hazelnut chocolate brownies, made Charlie squirm and yell at him, "I wanna go down now, Uncle Steve!"

He bent down and put the kid on the floor; Before Charlie could run away, Steve watched Danny catch him and took his snow-soaked jacket and the hat. He was a little intimidated when someone yelled out “They’re here!” and all eyes focused on them. Clara walked towards them, approached Danny and gave him a hug and a loud kiss on the cheek, "Here is my boy!" she said smiling; Then she hugged Steve with the same love, whispering in his ear, "I'm glad you're here..." He hugged her back, still embarrassed about what happened the last time he was in this house, and said, "I'm also glad to be here... thanks for inviting me."

* * *

To say that the previous eight months had been difficult would be the understatement of the century. After Grace's brief visit, they managed to develop something like a routine. Dr. Robbins had advised them to find some activities that allow them to distract their minds from therapy; He told them about a community sports center in which there was an olympic pool, so Steve started swimming five afternoons a week... In that place, he met a boy… he was about fourteen or fifteen, and was in a rehabilitation program for children with drugs or alcohol problems... he soon began working there as a volunteer counselor. Danny, on the other hand, had started teaching some classes of Macro and Microeconomics, as a substitute teacher at Rutgers, and they both spent some time furnishing and decorating the kids’ rooms.

Soon, the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months; That time was full of ups and downs: The sessions of the Exhibition phase began; Sam managed to gather a small group of ex-navy SEALs, who met once a week to talk about their experiences in the field… those sessions were especially painful. Sometimes they left him physically and emotionally drained; in those days, to avoid arguing with Danny, he’d get home, enter his bedroom directly, and sleep twelve or fourteen hours.

Other times, Danny was so depressed by the absence of the children, that he behaved like a real curmudgeon, complaining about everything: the traffic problems, the water pressure in the shower, the leaves of the trees that accumulated on the ledge from the window or Steve's excessive fondness for exercise. However, the joint therapy sessions were very helpful. As agreed, they tried to find a way to talk about the problems to solve them.

Things seemed to improve with Charlie's arrival in the summer, Rachel found a new job, so Charlie stayed with them every Tuesday and Thursday, as well as two weekends a month. In those days, Steve spent hours playing with him, both lying on the carpet in the kid's room, which had a complicated race track design. They moved miniature cars all over the place, simulating engine noise, or made complicated ramps for cars to do the boldest stunts. 

Sometimes the three of them went swimming… or they rented a small boat and sailed down the Hudson. At night, he liked to stand by the door, listening to the increasingly elaborate sleeping stories that Danny made up for the boy.

After two months, things finally seemed to be going in the right direction. Finally, the day came when Governor Mahoe's deadline was met. He and Danny had talked about it a lot the night before and decided that each of them would talk to her on their own. That afternoon, before Danny came home, Steve called her by video conference.

" Commander McGarrett!" She greeted him warmly, “It’s really nice to see you. How are you?"

Steve smiled. In the three years he worked under Mahoe’s orders, she had always treated him courteously and professionally. But now, she seemed genuinely pleased by his call. Not knowing very well how to react, he simply replied, “I'm fine, ma’am, thank you. I'm getting better."

"I'm glad to hear that..." she said, "I hope you have good news for me."

"I don't know if they are, ma'am. Last week I spoke to Captain Grover, according to what he told me, things seem to be working very well in Five-0 and Lt. Cole is doing well as team leader.”

Mahoe didn't seem quite sure what direction the conversation would take, so she spoke cautiously. "Yes ... Lt. Cole is doing a good job... but he’s not you, Commander. We miss you here… I'm going to be completely honest with you… Steve.”

"Yes ma'am."

“Five-0 is not the same without you and Detective Williams, it’s true that it’s still a very efficient taskforce… one of the best in the country, but it lacks your energy, your spirit. The team takes longer to solve some of the cases. Apparently, they need an… let's say… unconventional perspective… an ingredient that, according to Captain Grover, came from you and your unusual association with Detective Williams. We need you both. The team misses you… and so do I.”

“I don't know what to tell you, Governor, I really miss the team too, but… there are still many things to solve here. I was diagnosed with PTSD, which, apparently, was not a surprise to anyone... and things are progressing step by step, but this is not over yet and I don’t know when it will... Listen, Governor, I promised you we’d talk in three months and here I am. I need to be honest with you, I can't go back right now… and I still don't know if I’ll go back to Hawaii anytime soon.”

Mahoe had a sad expression when she said, “I can't say I'm surprised, Commander, but I was hoping that, by now, you’d have a date for your return… Or that you'd have at least made a decision as to whether you really want to come back to Hawaii.”

"Sorry ma’am. This is a difficult decision and I don't want to take it lightly, Hawaii is my home... it will always be my home and the team will always be my Ohana, I’m sure that I’ll return one day, but for now, I must focus on solving all problems in my life, before deciding what to do next.”

She sighed, "I understand, Commander... I guess Detective Williams has made a similar decision..."

Steve thought about it for a few seconds before answering, “I can't speak for him, ma'am. What I can tell you is that he’ll call you this afternoon, to give you his answer.”

"So I guess we'll have to extend the deadline..." She said, but Steve interrupted her: "No ma'am... I don't think it's fair to you or the team... I mean, you can’t just wait for something we don't know when it will happen... or if... I mean, I want to return to Hawaii someday, but I'm almost sure I don't want to do the same things I did before... I wanna do another job... one that isn’t full of violence and death. My therapist, Dr. Robbins, says that my condition was exacerbated by the continued stress I was subjected to in Five-0, after my transfer to the reserves… Listen, Governor, I’ve served my country for twenty-five years… more than that, if you count my time at the Army-Navy Academy, I think it is time.”

"Okay..." She said and sighed again, resigned, "That's bad news, but I guess you're right... The sooner the team knows that you won't be back, the sooner they will get used to the idea and develop their own way of doing things ."

Steve nodded and said, "I think it's the right thing to do."

That afternoon Danny also called the governor and told her more or less the same thing. It was decided, they would stay for a while, until things were done. Those months of emotional crisis and therapy had really put them to the test, and if Sam's words were something to trust, they were both progressing quite well… until that day in late November.

* * *

The sessions of the last two weeks were especially difficult; the guys talked about some missions that went sideways, Op’s in which they had lost brothers in arms. When it was his turn, he began to talk about his last mission in North Korea. Steve spoke for over an hour and a half as the memories gathered in his head, saturating him.

He started by talking about the way he met Freddie in Annapolis. Until then, Steve had remained on the sidelines; Although he had a good relationship with his classmates and many of them followed him, due to his ability in sports and his natural leadership, Steve was a lonely and quiet guy…. Until the day that noise and joker midshipman appeared.

Freddie's natural charm made it easy for him to make friends, and Steve couldn't help it: they immediately liked each other and became friends. When they both entered the SEAL training program at Coronado Naval Base, Steve realized that Freddie was the brother he never had. The two pushed each other, passed through BUDs, and beat Hell Week together, and were eventually deployed to Iraq, as members of the same unit.

Steve talked about the mission in which his brother died. Anguish caught in his throat as he forced the words out of his mouth and the memories hit his head.

* * *

_“The relationship between Dark Sun and the Hesse brothers is still unstable. However, we picked up chatter that indicates Victor is sending his brother Anton to finalize a major arms deal with Dark Sun.”_

_“Commander, we have a window of opportunity to roll this guy up. The first confirmed face-to-face in years. And the intel is good. So, we need to act now.”_

_“Stealth will be the operative word here, Commander.”_

_“You want me to insert, snatch up Anton Hesse, exfil the area without getting compromised, sir.”_

_“Exactly, but bear this in mind. This mission does not exist. If you're killed or captured, you're on your own.”_

_“Yes, sir.”_

_“That means no rescue attempt. No negotiations. Not even an acknowledgment of your service.”_

_“I understand.”_

_“Steve, we're not going to send you downrange all by your lonesome. Pick a team member to go with you. Someone with extensive operational background.”_

_“I know just the man, sir.”_

* * *

Steve talked about how Freddie had sacrificed himself and saved his life that day, distracting Han Ji-Woon’s men, so he could get out of there with Anton Hesse. The man had been brutally murdered just when he had just married… Steve remembered the little golden-haired girl, Freddie's daughter.

_“What are you so cheerful about, huh? You've been grinning like a clown ever since we got airborne.”_

_“I got married over the weekend.”_

_“No, you didn't…”_

_“Yeah, I did… Kelly and I decided we just couldn't live without each other, so...”_

_“Oh, really?”_

_“Yeah, yeah.”_

_“Last week, you hated each other!”_

_“That was last week. Then we found out we're having a baby, so... It's a girl!”_

* * *

_“Fred, you hit?”_

_“I'm good. I'm fine, keep moving… Get the package out of here, I got your six.”_

_“What are you talking about? Get off your ass. We're moving. Let's go. Let's go!”_

_“Do the job…! Now do the job!”_

_“My job is not leaving anybody behind!”_

_“You won't. Look at me, hoss. I'm not going anywhere…! Don't let this be for nothing…”_

_“Steven… I need you to do something for me.”_

_“¡No, no, no, no, no!”_

_“All right, listen to me…”_

_“What are you talking about, man?”_

_“Listen to me... One day... tell my daughter... you tell my daughter that Daddy loved her. Promise me…! Promise me!”_

_“I promise… All right, I promise.”_

_“Now go! Hooyah, brother!”_

* * *

When he got home that afternoon, he was depressed, and a strong pain throbbed in his head. Danny still hadn't come home after picking Charlie up from school, so he took a couple of painkillers and decided to lie down and get some sleep.

_The sound of the gunshots gave him an electric shock that ran down his spine. He was standing on the freshly cut grass. The day was splendid, there was no cloud in the blue sky and it was hot ... he could hear Catherine's soft breath beside him and feel the imposing presence of Joe._

_The captain approached him and took the folded flag, turned it around, and knelt before Kelly:_ _“On behalf of a grateful nation and a proud navy, I present you this flag in recognition of your husband's years of honorable and faithful service to his country.”_

_Steve reached out to Kelly and put his hand on her shoulder, then he hugged Freddie's mom and shook his father's hand when he said, “Commander. We thank you for bringing our boy home.”_

_"It's my privilege, sir." He replied, then leaned down to kiss Kelly's cheek, but the girl turned her face away. Steve sighed and knelt in front of the girl, pulling Freddie's dog tags out of his pocket. "I loved your daddy..." he said as he placed the chain around her little neck, "And I know he would have loved you very much ... Now wherever you go, he'll always be with you."_

_She frowned at him and asked, "Why did you take my daddy away?"_

_Steve felt as if he had been stabbed, "I..." he tried to answer, but at that moment, a man approached them from the trees. He wore his dress blues… the man pressed against his abdomen as blood spurted and soaked his fingers._

_"Why did you choose me?" He asked out loud._

_Steve got up just as Freddie passed next to Danny. He stopped and looked at him briefly; then he kept walking until he was a couple of feet from Steve. "Why…? You could have chosen anyone else to go with you on that suicide mission... Why me?" He repeated, "Kelly and I had just got married... we were expecting our baby... I had the chance of a life with them and you took it from me!"_

_Steve tried to put his hand on Freddie's shoulder… He should help him stop the flow of blood that completely soaked the cloth and collected around his friend's feet. "Fred ... let me help you! he whispered. But the man took a step back, horrified, and said, “No! Don't touch me! I don't need you to do anything for me...! I think you've done enough…”_

* * *

Danny was arranging the blankets to cover Charlie's sleeping body. The kid was so tired that he didn't even hear the end of the story... and it was a fantastic story! Suddenly a scream startled him. He got up and ran out of Charlie's room.

When he opened the door, the room was dimly lit by the light from the living room... the bed was empty and the sheets were tangled... He cautiously entered and looked around. A dark lump was in the far corner of the room, hunched over and sobbing.

Slowly, he moved closer and squatted down in front of Steve. His shirt was drenched in sweat, his breathing was shaky, and his body shook uncontrollably.

"Hey..! Danny said in a whisper. "Steve... Shhh. It's all right…"

Steve raised his head and looked up at Danny with tears filling his eyes, "No... it’s not!" he said sadly.

Danny tried to reach out to stroke Steve's face, but the man gave him a push that made him lose his balance and he fell back, “No! nothing is okay…!" Steve yelled, "Don't you get it…? I killed him!"

Danny tried to stand up, but a cry caught his attention and made them both turn their heads to see Charlie in his pajamas, standing by the door with his face covered in tears. For a moment Danny didn't know what to do... but Steve said hoarsely, "Go Danny... go with him!"

Danny got up and walked over to Charlie, picked him up and hugged him, "Shhh... buddy... Everything is fine." He left the room and took the crying kid to his bed. It took a few minutes to calm him, stroking his hair and cradling him on his lap. When Charlie's breathing finally returned to normal, the boy reached out and stroked his father's cheek, "Did Uncle Steve hurt you, Danno?" he asked.

Danny smiled, "No, buddy. It's okay. I’m fine… I just lost my balance and fell onto my butt, but he didn't hurt me… he never would.”

"But..." Charlie frowned, trying to understand what was happening, "He pushed you, Danno . Is he mad at you?”

Danny stroked his son's soft hair again as he tried to explain what had happened, "Remember when I told you that Uncle Steve had some problems and he was suffering a lot?" Charlie nodded silently and Danny spoke again, “Well… sometimes those problems give him some pretty bad nightmares… that's what happened there. Uncle Steve had a nightmare."

"Did someone hurt him?" the kid asked, "Why did they hurt him if Uncle Steve is a good man, Danno ?"

"I don't know, buddy," Danny answered honestly, "but he's seeing a doctor who's trying to help him, he'll be fine... it will take a while, but he'll be fine."

"Do you think if I go over there and give him a hug, he’ll feel better?" Charlie asked as he moved away from his father to get up. Danny smiled at him, "Surely one of your hugs would make him feel better, but not now, Charlie... How about you hold that hug and give it to him in the morning?"

"Okay, Danno." Charlie replied, as Danny settled him on his bed and covered him again with the blankets; When he got up to leave, the boy asked him, "Can you stay with me until I fall asleep, Danno?" He nodded and sat down on the bed next to Charlie again.

It took Charlie a few minutes to go back to sleep. Silently Danny got up and walked to the door, turned off the light, and went out into the living room. He went to the kitchen to have a glass of water and returned to his room; When he entered, he saw Steve sitting on the edge of the bed with his elbows resting on his thighs and his head hidden in his hands. Slowly, he sat down next to him.

"Hey..." he said quietly.

"I’m so sorry, Danny...!" Steve said without raising his head. "Is Charlie okay?"

Danny started gently stroking Steve's back and said, “Yes… he's fine.He’s sleeping. What about you? Are you with me now?”

Steve nodded and Danny asked, "Do you need an emergency pill?"

The man shook his head from side to side, “No… I don't think so. I'm fine… it's just that…”

"It was a bad nightmare, wasn't it?" Steve nodded and Danny said, "Okay... drink some water." Finally, the man raised his head and took the glass with a trembling hand. He took a sip and sighed. After putting the glass down on the nightstand, he got up from the bed and took of his soaked shirt. While taking a clean T-shirt from the drawer and putting it on, Danny asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Steve looked at him and said, “Want? No… but I think I have no choice.” He sat back on the bed and said, “It was Freddie's funeral. The ceremony was already over and I approached his family, remember?”

Danny nodded, he resumed his caress between Steve's shoulder blades, encouraging him to continue, "So, when I gave his daughter Fred's dog tags, she looked at me and she asked me why I had taken her dad away from her." Steve took a deep breath, trying to hold back the new tears struggling to come out, “Then… then Freddie appeared… He was there, Danny! But he was hurt… I tried to help him and he asked me why I chose him.”

Without stopping his caress, Danny said, "I don't understand..."

"That day, when I was assigned that mission, Joe told me to pick someone to come with me. ‘Someone with extensive operational background’ he told me. Freddie was the first choice that came to mind, Danno. He was good... very good. With a single glance he could find the weak points of any place before we started any attack… he was brilliant in the field, that's why I chose him.”

"It seems like a wise choice." Danny said.

"Yes ... but he was my friend too… and I took a chance, Danny. I knew it was an operation behind enemy lines ... If anything went wrong, the Navy would deny any knowledge of the mission. I knew that once we were in enemy territory, we were on our own. And there were a lot of things that could go wrong, Danny... the bets were against us and even knowing that, I took him there! I should have chosen someone else.”

"No, Steve... You said it yourself. Fred was the best option... what happened there wasn’t your fault. He knew what could happen. War is a dirty business Steve… you’ve told me that a lot of times. I'm not saying you shouldn't feel bad about what happened… I'm not saying you shouldn't mourn Freddie's death… but I know and you know that his death wasn’t your fault… and Freddie knew it too.”

Not quite convinced, Steve nodded.

* * *

An insistent buzz woke them up after only four hours of sleep. A throbbing headache forced him to close his eyes again and cover his head with the pillow, while Danny picked up the phone.

Suddenly, he felt a small hand caressing his chest. He removed the pillow from his head and opened his eyes, Charlie was there, standing by the bed. "Good morning, Uncle Steve..." the kid said.

"Hey Charlie...!" Steve tried to hide the stab of concern, "Are you okay, buddy?" he asked as he sat up and took Charlie and put him on his lap.

"I’m okay, Uncle Steve... are you okay?"

"I'm fine Charlie..." he replied.

The boy frowned, reached out and stroked Steve's cheek, saying, "I was worried about you, Uncle Steve..."

Steve tried to hold back his tears, "I know, Charlie… I'm sorry I scared you."

"Danno told me you had a nightmare... Are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah..." Steve ruffled the boy's hair and said, "I feel better now, but do you know what would make me feel even better?"

Charlie nodded and asked, "A special hug?" Steve nodded and the boy wrapped his little arms around his neck, squeezing it tight.

Steve stroked Charlie's back and said quietly, "That's a big hug...! Thanks Charlie."

As he moved away, the boy asked, "Can I ask you a question, Uncle Steve?"

"Of course, buddy."

"What was your nightmare about? When I have nightmares, my mom tells me that if you talk about them, then the nightmares don't come true…”

Steve cleared his throat and said, “It was about a friend of mine… he died a long time ago… when I remember him, I get sad and have nightmares about him. But, I feel much better this morning.”

Charlie stroked Steve's cheek again and asked, "Do you miss him?"

Steve wiped his eyes with his thumb and said, "Yes Charlie… I miss him so much."

At that point, Danny ended his phone call and said, “Okay ! Who is hungry?"

Charlie gave a leap and fell into his father’s arms, "I’m hungry, Danno...! can we have some pancakes?”

Danny started tickling the boy while saying, "Mmmm I don't know... do you think some pancakes fit in this stomach?"

Steve watched them with a sad smile, while Danny buried his fingers in Charlie's stomach; The boy writhed with laughter and said, "Noooo , Danno..."

Finally, Danny smiled and put Charlie down, “Okay… pancakes will be. After breakfast we have to get ready before your mom comes to pick you up, okay? Why don't you get dressed while I make breakfast?"

Charlie pouted and asked, "Should I go, Danno?"

"Yes, buddy." Danny replied as he got up, “But we'll see you at dinner tonight, remember? It’s Thanksgiving and the whole family will gather at Nanna's house.”

Charlie started walking toward the door, but he stopped for a moment, turned around and said, "Uncle Steve?"

Steve tried to force a smile and said, "Yes Charlie?"

"I'm sorry your friend is dead... but we are here... so you can't be sad today, okay?" The kid smiled and ran to his room.

Steve wiped his eyes again and said, "He's a great kid, Danny!"

"Yes he is..." Danny walked over to him and put a soft kiss on his lips, before saying, "Come on... hurry up, we have a lot to do."

Steve got up and said, "About that... I was thinking... may be… it’s not a good idea for me to go to your mom’s house tonight, Danny."

Danny was already walking towards the kitchen, but he stopped and turned to look at Steve, “Oh yeah? And why do you think that?"

He shrugged and said, "I don't know... I don't feel in the mood for celebrations with a lot of people I don't know... plus I think I'm not going to be a good company today, Danny... Your family deserves to have a nice Thanksgiving and I… I mean, with my state of mind, I will only ruin it.”

Danny walked up to him and hugged him as he whispered into his ear. “Listen, babe… I know that yesterday's session was difficult… I understand that you need space… and any other day, I’d tell you to stay home if it is what you want… but it’s Thanksgiving… the first Thanksgiving you’ll spend with my family. Mom has been planning it for weeks...! Grace and Charlie will be there... I promise there won't be anyone you don't know... just my parents, my sisters and my nephews... my mother invited Rachel and Erick arrived yesterday morning... that's all, there will be no one else, I promise. "

Danny pulled away from the hug and looked Steve in the eye, "Babe... It's important to me that you're there. I want the three people I love most to be with me today... there are so many things I should be grateful for this year and you..." Danny blushed and stuttered a bit when he said,"You’re... you’re the most important."

Steve sighed, leaned down and kissed Danny tenderly, "Okay..." he said, "But don't say I didn't warn you..."

Danny drew a wide smile and said, “You won't regret it, I promise. Thanksgiving in the Williams house is mainly about the family, and this is your family now... you’ll have a good time and maybe distracted yourself... Now, we must hurry up and make breakfast. After Rachel comes to pick up Charlie, you and I have to go to Carlo’s to pick up the apple pie.”

Before resuming his walk to the kitchen, Danny patted his butt and said, "Come on, Super SEAL, take one of your navy showers and come over for breakfast."

* * *

When they arrived at the Williams' house that afternoon, Steve was stunned. As expected, Carlo’s had been crowded; Although they had ordered the apple pies in advance, it took more than an hour to get out of there; people were running through the streets, making the last-time purchases, and the traffic was unbearable.

Eddie and Clara approached them when they entered the living room. After kissing both of them on the cheek, she took the two huge apple pies and Eddie put two bottles of ice-cold beer in their hands. At that moment, Grace and Erick entered through the garden glass door and looked at them.

"Hey!" Erick said enthusiastically as he approached them. He hugged Danny first. "Hi... Uncle D... anny!" he said, patting his favorite uncle on the back, while Steve hugged Grace. "Hi honey!" he said, after kissing her on the cheek, "what time did you arrive?"

Grace smiled, "Just half an hour ago," she replied, "I stopped by the apartment first to drop off my stuff, I hope it’s not a problem."

Steve frowned and said, “Don't be silly! Of course it's not a problem. That’s your house."

Grace winked at him and said, "By the way, I saw that the other two rooms were already furnished... I loved mine, Thank you." She gave him another kiss and went to hug her father.

Erick looked at Steve and said cautiously, "Hey ... McGruff!"

Steve smiled and hugged him warmly, "Hey kiddo!" When they moved away, Steve asked, "How's everything in Hawaii?"

Erick took a deep breath and said, “Fine… I guess. But I miss you guys. I mean... that guy, Cole, he's good people, but he's somewhat.. serious. Things are not the same without you there. Captain Grover has become somewhat grumpy and Tani and Junior seem… out of place. I don't know if you get it… things are fine, but… they’re not fine.”

After the greetings, everyone gathered in the living room. The talk was starting to get fun when the doorbell rang. Clara opened the door and Charlie came running like a whirlwind, quickly disappearing through the garden door to join his cousins. Rachel greeted everyone politely and leaned over to Danny to whisper, "Listen... we need to talk..."

Danny looked at her incredulously and asked, "Now ...? Can't it wait until tomorrow?”

Rachel shook her head and said, “Now Danny. Please."

Danny shrugged, smiled reassuringly at Steve, and walked behind Rachel toward the kitchen.

When he came in, she closed the door and said without preamble, "Charlie told me what happened last night..."

It took him a moment to understand what she meant, then he looked at her defiantly and replied, “Yes… and…?"

Rachel seemed to flinch for a moment and said, “Don't look at me like that, Danny. I'm just worried... about you and Charlie."

Danny felt a surge of anger rise up his chest, he knew this woman too well and he guessed right away what was going on. "Worried, why exactly?"

Listen, Danny. I know Steve is having a difficult time… I’m not familiar with all that post-traumatic stress involves, but I know it’s not a cakewalk… I’m just saying that…”

“Enough of the detours, Rachel! Say what you have to say at once.”

"I'm just asking if you're sure it's… safe for Charlie to be there, while he… I mean… he could be violent."

Danny tried to contain his contempt and said, "You better go Rachel…"

She couldn't hold back any longer and yelled, “He pushed you, Danny…! He could have hurt you…!”

* * *

The conversation in the living room stopped abruptly when everyone heard Rachel yelling in the kitchen. Clara excused herself and walked over there, she opened the door just when Danny said in a low but angry voice,

"That’s not what happened, Rachel... if you had a little common sense you’d have asked me before making all this scandal."

She yelled again: "That's what I'm doing, right now Daniel! I ask you what happened ... if he could hurt you, why wouldn't he do the same to Charlie? "

"No, Rachel... you're not asking. You’re assuming something without having the complete information… First of all, he didn’t push me, I lost my balance. Secondly… listen to me carefully, because I'll only say it once… Steve would cut off his hand before doing something that could hurt Charlie, you understand?”

At that moment, Steve felt a wave of panic… Rachel's screams and Danny's attempts to calm her down were clearly heard from the living room… everyone was looking at him. Suddenly, he got up, put his beer bottle on the table, looked at Eddie and said apologetically, “I better go… I… I'm sorry…” Then his gaze focused on everyone and said, "Please excuse me."

He walked to the door, but Grace walked up to him and grabbed his arm, trying to stop him, "Uncle Steve...!"

He looked at her sadly, “No… Gracie. Don't worry… Please tell Danno I'll call him, okay?” Gently he pulled away from Grace's hand and opened the door, "Excuse me ..." he repeated and went out, closing the door behind him.


	21. This is your family now (Part two)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK. Here it is. The final chapter. It was longer than I expected, but, as always, the fingers moved and moved on the keyboard. I want to thank everyone who read and commented on this story. I love you guys... your words encouraged me to continue. This is, by far, the longest story I've ever written. I loved every moment of this and liked the final result. I hope you share the feeling. Please enjoy and tell me what you think.  
> 

**CHAPTER 21. This is your family now. (Part II)**

In the kitchen, Rachel looked at Danny with fire in her eyes; The veins in her neck throbbed with anger and she was breathing hard. At that moment, Grace came running, stopped next to Nanna and said sobbing "Danno...!"

Danny looked at her and asked, "What...? What's wrong, Monkey...?"

Grace was crying when she said, "Uncle Steve... he’s gone... When he heard the argument between you two, he... left, Danno... I tried to stop him, but he said he’d call you later." Danny ran out of the kitchen, without looking at anyone, crossed the living room, opened the door and went out; There was no one on the street.

Frustrated, he went back into the house. Rachel was standing by the kitchen door, Danny walked over to her and said scornfully, “Well done, Rachel! Now, I think you should go.”

She reacted and yelled, “Don't you dare blame me for this, Daniel! All I wanted was to make sure my son is safe!”

"Listen to me, Rachel..." Danny said in an unusually calm voice; after his gaze focused on all the other members of his family, who looked at him in silence. "That man you think can be dangerous to Charlie... that man is a hero! You understand? All the problems he has now are the consequence of having dedicated his life to making sure this country is a better place to live... You have no idea what he has lost because of that; for him, the suffering didn't stop when he stopped fighting in the most dangerous places on the planet, defending this country from situations that your limited mind cannot even imagine... nor did it stop when he quit a job he loved, because he simply couldn't handle more death or more losses in his life..." He paused, sighed in frustration, and said, "For God's sake! All he wants now is some peace!"

Danny took a few more deep breaths and said, “Steve is able to neutralize a criminal in less than a minute, with his bare hands; but he’s also the kindest man I’ve ever met. He’s a loving uncle and a loyal friend; for ten years he has gone above and beyond to make sure that Grace and Charlie are safe and that I come home alive at the end of the day.”

He reached into his pants pocket and pulled out his phone; He looked at the screen for a few seconds, before looking back at his family, "I'm so sorry you witnessed this... and you..." He fixed his gaze on Rachel, "I think you should go... Charlie will stay with me tonight. I'll let you know what time you can pick him up tomorrow."

She knew Danny well enough not to argue further; This apparently calm Danny didn't bode well. So, she gave up, bowed her head, and whispered, "Okay... Excuse me." She went to the door and left the house without another word.

When the door closed, Danny walked out into the garden, sliding his thumb across the phone screen and pressing the speed dial button. Outside, the kids played and scampered around the lawn, unaware of the drama that had developed inside the house. Danny walked to the wicker sofa and sat down, waiting for Steve to pick up the phone.

"Hey..." the deep voice answered after the second ring.

"Hey... It’s me… Listen... I'm so sorry about what Rachel said! Are you okay?"

Danny listened to Steve as he replied in a raspy voice, "Don't be, Danny... I'm fine... plus she's right."

"No, Steve... she’s a manipulative woman who wants to control every minute of my children's life and mine... not anymore... I've had enough of her outbursts over the years...! First, she did it with Grace, now she uses Charlie as a pretext. But it's over now, I'm not going to bear it anymore.”

Steve's voice was calm when he said, "Listen, Danny. I know you're mad at her, I get it... Hell! I'm mad at her for ruining Thanksgiving for your family! But think about it for a moment, will you? What do you need the least now is to engage in another battle with her... also, as I told you, she's right."

Danny tried not to lose his patience, "In which universe would she be right about this, Steve?" He asked.

"She's worried about Charlie, Danny... Everybody knows that PTSD makes people do or say things they wouldn't normally do or say... and I'm a dangerous guy... you've told me that a lot of times… Although I want you to know that what you said is true… I’d never do anything to hurt Charlie or any of you.”

"Of course you wouldn't!" Danny said softly, "You don't need to say that, Steve... I know because... I know you."

At that moment, Danny could hear through the line, the noise of a car door closing. Suddenly, the sound of traffic was louder. "Where are you?" he asked worried.

"I'm home." Steve replied; Danny could hear the noise of the keys and the door when it closed, all the sounds in the surroundings were off.

Guessing the answer, he asked, "Want company?"

"No, Danny... Listen, I know you're worried, but don't be, okay?" Steve let out a sarcastic giggle, “I'm not going to rip the curtains off or break anything, okay? I promise. Just stay with your parents and try to rescue the celebration for the kids and your family... It’s not fair for them that everything is ruined... I’m fine, I’m calm... I’ll just go to bed and I'll see you when you get home... I promise you won't find an apartment in ruins when you come back, okay?"

Danny was silent for a moment. On the one hand, his brain told him that Steve was right. It was the first time in many years that his entire family had come together for Thanksgiving… the last time Matty had been present. His mother had organized the party, excited to have them all together, it wouldn’t be easy to reunite them again.

On the other hand, his heart was pulling him hard towards Steve… as he said that morning, the man was his main reason to be grateful this year. He was in love... he couldn't remember feeling like this since... never. Steve's voice on the phone snapped him out of his thoughts, "Danny...?"

"Yes... I'm here, but... I don't know, Steve. I don't like the idea of leaving you home alone, not how you feel right now. I'll talk to Mom, I'll leave Grace and Charlie here to celebrate with them and then I’ll go home, okay?”

“Please, Danny… don't do that. It will only make me feel more guilty for ruining everything… Please stay there, have dinner with your parents, try to celebrate and I'll see you later… Anyway, I'm going to sleep now… do it for me, will you?”

Danny sighed, he knew he wasn't going to convince Steve, so he said, "Okay... but we'll be leaving after dinner... we'll be home soon, okay?"

"Please, take your time," Steve replied, "Enjoy dinner and your family... and Danny?"

"Yes…?"

"Please tell your mom I'm sorry...!"

* * *

After the call ended, Danny stared at the screen for a minute until the light went off. The sound of footsteps on the grass made him look up. Clara sat next to him and asked, “Did you talk to him? Is he okay?"

Danny took a deep breath and said, “Yes Ma… he's fine. He's at home."

Visibly moved, Clara asked, "Will you go see him?"

"Later..." Danny replied, "He wants me to stay here with you... he said he already felt guilty enough that the party was ruined, so he asked me to try to fix things and asked me to tell you he’s sorry... ”

Clara let out a bitter laugh and said, "What a fool...!"

Danny smiled, "Yeah ... I know he's a fool, and he knows too, Ma... but you can't stop being who you are from one day to the next. The guy is so used to bearing the blame that doesn’t fall to him, that it has already become a habit... but he’s right. Let's try to celebrate, let's not let Rachel's stupidity end up saddening us all. Grace is here now, and she’ll only be staying a week before the semester begins. Erick will be back in Hawaii on Monday… we all managed to get together this year, so let's thank for that…” Danny thought for a few seconds and said, "Listen... I was thinking... May I ask you for a favor? Can the kids stay here tonight?"

Clara drew a knowing smile and replied, "Sure!" Then, she lowered her voice and said confidentially, “Don't let your ex ruin what you have with Steve… hold on to that with everything you have, Daniel, because it's the only thing that can make you happy now. After dinner, go home and show him that you two can be thankful for having each other, I'll take care of the rest.”

Danny blushed to the ears, “Okay, Ma… since you expressed it so… so well. How about we go to dinner and try to make sure everyone has a good time?”

* * *

Steve leaned his back against the door after closing it and took a deep breath. He was determined not to let what happened slow his progress... there was little he could do about the nightmares or residual depression from his strenuous sessions with the group. But this, he could control it. He couldn't help but smile when he remembered Sam's words at the end of one of their meetings:

_“In this country, the military does a job that will always be under the scrutiny of the people, Steve. And I'm not talking about the high command... I'm talking about men like you, I'm talking about all those who are on the front lines, risking their lives day after day. Some will call them heroes, others will call them assassins or madmen and will abandon them to their fate... most of the time we can’t control the narrative and that terrifies us. One of the main things we fight for is the right of people to express their own opinion, so we must expect and respect when they do that, even if some don’t have an idea of what they’re talking about. But neither can we let their opinion destroy us... we’re not here to be Miss Congeniality, we were trained to defend those who can't defend themselves... we have to do a job that no one else can or wants to do... and we face painful emotional, family and social consequences for doing that job."_

_Sam had walked around the room as he spoke, and Steve stared after him the entire time, “I'm not saying that what people say or think shouldn't affect you… you’d have to be a robot or a psycho to stop that from happening... But this is where the rational part comes in. In my opinion, everything focuses on two aspects: On the one hand, discerning whether the fundamental principle that guided your actions is morally correct... that, only you can judge it; During each and every one of your missions as an active SEAL and leading your task force, you did everything possible to control all factors and prevent all scenarios, even when time was of the essence; but sometimes, and you know it better than me, the missions go sideways for a thousand aspects that we can’t control.”_

_Sam had taken a sip of water and then spoke again, “On the other hand, you need to detect the intentions of the people who talk about you or your job and then decide whether to give them enough credit to think twice about them . When you decide it’s not worth it, just let to the words to be taken by the wind. There will always be people who think before speaking, but there are also many others who will speak without knowledge or who simply want to hurt you, venting frustrations or seek selfish purposes with their words... those opinions are a burden that you must drop, or they will end up sinking you.”_

He entered his room while taking off his shirt. He tossed it aside and sat on the bed, deep in thought, trying to analyze what he really felt.

Of course, the first feeling was disappointment... and sadness because the dinner Danny had hoped would be fantastic was ruined before it started. Then he analyzed the two opposing opinions he had heard that night.

On the one hand, Rachel, as always, had spoken before thinking about the impact her words could have. He wasn't surprised… she had done the same thing over and over again the entire time since he met her… Rachel said it herself in a voice full of sarcasm, the first day he met her, while Steve and Danny were conducting surveillance from the master bedroom of her luxurious mansion, _“Sometimes, I let my emotions get the better of me.”_ Ten years, and everything that had happened with Grace and later with Charlie, had proved the truth behind those words.

Most of the time, Rachel spoke and acted on impulse; So it was during all the legal battles over the custody of Grace, the reasons for hiding that Danny was Charlie's real father, the constant deceptions and lies that led to her divorce from Stan; and even her failed attempts to revive her unhealthy relationship with Danny. It was also shown that, later, life would take care of punishing her transgressions at the highest price... Steve sighed thinking that this time wouldn't be the exception.

The other opinion, Danny's, was diametrically opposite. As with everything he loved, Danny had defended Steve fiercely. “ _You’re assuming something without having the complete information… First of all, he didn’t push me, I lost my balance. Secondly… listen to me carefully, because I'll only say it once… Steve would cut off his hand before doing something that could hurt Charlie, you understand?”_

He wondered how much of what Danny had said was influenced by the love between them. In the end, he decided that, as always, Danny's words had been honest, and had reflected the truth… Perhaps they had been spoken with more passion than usual, due to the new circumstances, but they had not been less truthful for that reason. Actually, he would cut off a hand before hurting them, that was an indisputable fact. Also, Danny always said what he thought... the good and the bad. Even after their relationship changed, he hadn't stopped saying it when they had different opinions. There was something that everyone who knew Danny Williams agreed on. He was always frank, open, and, if necessary, brutally honest.

He got up and walked to the drawer to get some shorts; Despite the cold outside, the heating kept the apartment warm and cozy. As he undressed, he thought Sam would be proud. He had done exactly what he was supposed to do. He had allowed himself to feel... then he had analyzed his feelings, without denying them, and in the end, he rejected Rachel's impulsive words. Seven months ago, he'd have let those same words sink like daggers into his defeated spirit... Today, he decided that he wouldn’t allow that to happen... For Danny, for the kids, for himself. That was progress, wasn't it? Now, he’d just have to deal with the shame of having unintentionally ruined the Williams family celebration.

He picked up his phone and made sure that, next morning, Clara received the largest bouquet of flowers he could find.

* * *

Dinner was quiet. Nothing to do with the overflowing happiness Danny and his mother had planned for that night, but it wasn't bad. Danny smiled as he saw his mother's joy, when she finally sat at one end of the table and looked at her family. He was sitting near Clara, with Charlie on one side and an empty chair on the other. He felt a pang of sadness that quickly faded when he had to clean the kid’s face that was covered in chocolate.

After dinner, as everyone toasted and engaged in their own conversations, Bridget got up from her chair, walked around the table, and sat in the empty chair next to him. "Hey ..." she said with her usual smile.

"Hey..." Danny replied, taking a sip from his glass of mineral water.

She clinked her glass against his and said, "Happy Thanksgiving, big brother!"

Danny smiled and said, "Happy Thanksgiving to you too." They both drank in silence. A moment later, she asked, “Is Steve okay? I guess you couldn't convince him to come back…”

He shrugged and said, “I couldn't have convinced him even if I had tried… he was right to leave, Bridget. The atmosphere was too tense, and he has some trouble dealing with emotional situations. He’s home now… embarrassed, but he’ll be fine.”

She took another sip from her glass and said, “I'm glad Danny… really. Steve is a good guy, he doesn't deserve what is happening to him,” she paused briefly and then asked cautiously, “how's therapy going?” She knew he wouldn't talk about it easily, so she decided not to push him too hard.

But Danny smiled again, "Things are going well... a little slow, but that's how it is. All that shit accumulated over twenty years isn't going to go away overnight, you know?"

"Yeah, I guess. Listen to me, Danny. I understand what you said there a little while ago. I know most of us can’t fully imagine what Steve is going through... what you two guys are going through. I mean, how could we understand? None of us have faced life and death situations like the ones you face daily... Not to mention what Steve may have experienced while he was an active SEAL.” She visibly shuddered and spoke after a few seconds, “It must have been horrible… facing life and death like this… just must give existence a whole new and surreal meaning. Having to deal with it every day, in places where freedom is just a utopia... see men, women and children die... friends or enemies... and live and accept the possibility that, perhaps, you won’t be there to see another day."

Danny looked at her intrigued and said, “I couldn't have summed it up better. The problem here is that the real torment began when, instead of dealing with the emotional effects of all that, he bottled everything and kept it as he was taught to do.”

She reached out and took his hand, squeezing it, "Yes... but what matters is that he’s dealing with it now... You yourself said it is a gradual process, and he has us to help him."

Danny squeezed her hand and said, "Thank you... I know and he knows too."

She smiled and said sarcastically, "Rachel outdid herself this time, huh?"

He sighed and said, "Yes... she tends to do that." Then he looked at his watch for the tenth time in the last five minutes.

"Come on Danny!" She leaned down and kissed him cheerfully on the cheek, "Get out of here and take care of your boy... Tell him we all love him."

* * *

When Danny put the key in the lock it was after midnight. The apartment was completely dark and silent. He carried a bag, lovingly prepared by Clara, with a bottle of red wine, two plastic containers filled with slices of turkey with cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, and a huge slice of apple pie.

He stopped by the living room, long enough to take off his coat and shoes, uncork the bottle and pick up two crystal glasses; then, he walked silently to the bedroom and stood by the open door; The room was lit by the dim light coming from an almost full moon. Steve was lying on his back, apparently asleep. His right hand rested on the pillow, next to his head, his left was on his abdomen, which rose and fell to the rhythm of his breathing.

Silently, he put the bag, the bottle of wine and the glasses on the dresser and walked to the bed. He sat on the edge for a few minutes, looking at his partner. He let out a sigh of relief… a part of him had feared that Steve wouldn't be able to sleep after what happened that night, but, on the contrary, he really seemed to be resting; It was a pleasure to see his calm and relaxed expression. Danny smiled to himself, in the past few months, he had really become addicted to seeing Steve while he slept.

“You were right..." Steve said in a sleepy voice.

Danny laughed, "About what?" he asked.

“It's kind of creepy when someone looks at you intently while you're sleeping, Danno. Steve finally opened his eyes, smiled and slid back onto the bed to sit, resting his back on the pillows.

Danny looked at him. His concern was still not entirely gone when he asked, "Hey... are you okay?"

Steve rubbed his eyes, yawned and said, "I'm fine, Danny, but I really regret what happened tonight."

"Come on! It's not your fault".

"I know..." Steve answered and Danny couldn't help but make an expression of surprise, "Do you?"

Steve smiled, “Yes, Danny. I was thinking... a lot. There really was no way I’d have guessed that Rachel would say everything she said… But I can't help but think that… I mean, I was the subject of that discussion and… I'm a little… embarrassed.”

The look in Danny's eyes was intense when he said, “I understand… and my family understands too. No one blames you, Steve… Everyone blames Rachel for being so incredibly stupid.”

The man smiled, "Yep ..." he said, "Sometimes she’s not very clear on her ideas, is she? I mean... she's entitled to her opinion. But expressing it the way she did… of all nights, choosing precisely tonight to do it, spoiling everyone's moment… it wasn't the smart thing to do.”

Danny shook his head, “No… it wasn't… Can I ask you a question?" Steve nodded and Danny asked, "If you really know it wasn't your fault, why did you say on the phone that she was right?"

“Because she is, Danny. At least in part... She's worried about Charlie, you should give her that... She has seen and read all those horrible stories where some guys hurt their families... or worse. I can imagine what she must have thought when Charlie told her what happened the other night…”

"But she... how could she think that you...?"

Steve cut him off, "She doesn't know me, Danny... She thinks she does, but she doesn't... I mean, she doesn't know who I am or how I feel about you... or about Grace and Charlie. She just believed that I could hurt you or them. Without a doubt, the fact that she still loves you and she’s jealous makes everything much worse. She thinks I am, as you always kindly say, like a mad neanderthal; put all that together with all those sinister newsreel images... She really believed that you and the kids were in danger with me. I hope she has understood the message, and that she knows, by now, that I'd rather die before do something like that."

Danny reached out and stroked Steve's cheek as he said, "If she didn’t, the kids and I will make sure she will, don't worry..." After a pause, he asked, "Did you take those sleeping pills tonight?" Steve shook his head and said, "Not yet... I wanted to wait for you to get home."

"Excellent!" Danny said as he got up and walked to the dresser; He took the bottle and started pouring the wine. He walked over to the bed and said, "Because I was thinking... maybe we can get something good out of all this..." He gave Steve a glass of wine, which clinked when it lightly hit Danny's.

Steve smiled, took a sip and asked, "Oh yeah? What do you have in mind?"

Danny sat back on the edge of the bed and said, “Well… We have wine, the atmosphere suggests some romance… You’re there, in bed, barely dressed, which reminds me of the main reason I should be thankful for this year... So, I think this could have a happy ending. Don't you?” Danny took a sip of wine and said, “It was actually my mother's idea… that we have our own… celebration.”

Steve choked on the wine, coughed a little, and asked, " Was it your mother's idea that you seduce me with a dose of wine and romance to celebrate?"

Danny laughed out loud, "Okay, when you say it like that, it sounds pretty weird ... she didn't get to that. She just packed some food for you and suggested the bottle of wine... I guess the rest is my idea. What do you think?" He leaned out and kissed Steve softly. A nice heat wave settled in his stomach... he didn't know if it was because of the wine or because of the intoxicating sensation of tasting it directly from Steve's lips. The other man smiled and without moving away, he said "That could be..." another kiss, "the best idea you've had... in a long... long time."

* * *

Almost a month later, they were there again; The festive atmosphere flooded the Williams house, the gifts were piled under the tree and the kids were running and laughing all over the place. Steve and Danny entered the living room and stopped by the stairs to look at Grace, who was walking through the house with a small branch of mistletoe in her hand, placing it over the head of her uncles and aunts, to force them to kiss each other. As she approached her dad, the gazes of all the family members focused on them, as Grace waved the mistletoe branch over Danny's head and kissed him warmly on the cheek, "Merry Christmas, Danno!"

Danny smiled and kissed Grace's cheek tenderly, "Merry Christmas, Monkey!" He replied.

Then she walked over to Steve... she huffed a little when she stood in front of him. She stood on tiptoe and tried to raise her hand over the man's head. "You really needed to be so tall?" she asked frustrated. Determined not to make things easier for her, Steve smiled and crossed his arms.

But, like her old man, Grace was a resourceful girl; she thought about it for a second and surrounded him; She climbed a couple of steps and waved the mistletoe over Steve's head, giving him a loud kiss on the cheek. "Mele Kalikimaka, Uncle Steve!" she said.

Finally, he gave up, laughed and hugged Grace, "Mele Kalikimaka, honey...!" he said, as he kissed the girl's head. When they moved away, Steve started to walk towards the couch, but Grace yelled at him, "Nop. Not yet...! You're not going to go away that easy. Come back here."

Obediently Steve came back next to her. Grace put the sprig of mistletoe over Danny's head again and said, "Now it's your turn." Steve smiled at the girl's naughty look, leaned down, and gently kissed Danny's lips, saying "Merry Christmas Danno!" Danny smiled and replied, "Merry Christmas to you too, babe." His answer was silenced by applause and whistles from all members of the Williams family.

* * *

May was unusually wet in Los Angeles that year. The tropical storm had passed a few days earlier, but had left behind some residual rains, as it entered the continent and faded. Through the window, Steve watched the rain hit the surface of the airstrip, as they waited for the control tower to give them green light to take off. Next to him, Danny took his hand and squeezed it gently. He turned his head and looked at him, smiling.

"What are you thinking?" Danny asked.

Steve thought for a few seconds and replied, "I was just thinking... things have changed a lot last year, right?"

Danny nodded, "Yeah… I suppose they have… My flight a year ago was full of uncertainty… I wasn't sure if we would be able to make it through."

Steve remembered the moment he got on that plane 13 months earlier. "Yes ..." he said thoughtfully. “At the time, all I wanted was to escape, not understanding that no matter where I went, all the problems would go away with me. Now…"

Danny smiled and waited, but Steve didn't finish the sentence, so he asked, "Now ... did you find the peace you were looking for?"

Steve slowly nodded and said, “You know what? I think I did…” He tightened his grip around Danny's hand and said, “I think I found it sooner than I thought… Peace was by my side all the time, only I couldn't see it at the time…”

“You needed a fresh start… we both did. If we hadn't left Hawaii, we probably never would have seen it. Also, I think Sam was essential in solving the mess in our heads.”

"Yes... he was," Steve replied, remembering his last session with Dr. Robbins.

* * *

_In February, the frequency of therapy sessions decreased to once a week for each of them, and their joint session was held once every month. In early April, the medication was gradually discontinued, and the sessions were reduced to once every two weeks. Sam wanted to watch Steve's reactions without the anxiolytic and his periods of sleep without pills, before taking the next step. Either way, Steve kept the near-full bottle of emergency pills in his nightstand drawer, just in case. He hadn't needed them in over six months._

_On April 20 they finally started talking about going home: That day Sam had told them that the follow-up phase would start in early May. They should meet him once every two months to discuss their progress. That night, Steve lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Danny's gaze traveled over the bare skin of his chest and shoulders. The tan that previously colored that skin had almost completely faded. Steve's work at the community center and the strenuous therapy session schedule, made it nearly impossible for them to spend a day at the beach swimming or surfing. However, they had tried it several times and, although they had a good time, Danny realized that Steve missed the waves at Pipeline or Waimea Bay._

_There were other details that revealed Steve's homesick. Like that time, when the man had sighed for a Longboard in the middle of a picnic at Bridget's house backyard, as Danny gave him a bottle of light beer; or the time he talked to Clara for almost two hours about Kamekona's endless variety of recipes for cooking shrimp._

_That night, Danny took his hand and asked, "So, what do you think, babe? We go back home?"_

_Steve looked at him in surprise, “But… this is your home, Danny. I… I didn't think you’d want to go back to Hawaii… And I don't want to go back there without you.”_

_Danny smiled, "Why wouldn't I want to go back, Steve? My home is where you are... To tell the truth, I miss Hawaii a little, although you'll never hear me say that out loud again... Plus, Charlie keeps telling me that he misses his school and his friends, this morning he told me that it was enough vacation in Jersey, and he wanted to go home. What about you? Do you want to go back home?”_

_"Well… yes... I’d like to go back. I think I'm ready. I've been thinking about some things we could do there.”_

_"Oh yeah? I think I'm afraid to ask... What kind of things?_

_Steve hesitated for a second and said: "I don't know ... maybe open our own diving school ... where amateurs can learn to dive in a way that respects the culture and traditions of the islands, and be friendly to the environment, but also offering certifications, reef diving excursions ..." He leaned over Danny and kissed him, before saying, "romantic boat tours under the moonlight... things like that."_

_Danny looked at him amused, “Our dive school? But you know I don't dive, Steve.”_

_Steve laughed out loud, “You don't dive yet… You could be our first student… what do you think? Is it too crazy?”_

_Danny seemed to consider it, finally he said, “I think it's not crazy… in fact, I think it's a great idea. You could take advantage of all your Aquamán Ninja skills.”_

_Steve leaned in again and kissed him, as he said with a smile, "Yeah! And we could call it, 'Danno's diving’ What do you think?" He laughed louder, when Danny pinched his butt._

_They decided to keep the apartment. Grace had decided that, for her third year, she no longer wanted to stay in the campus dorm. That way, they would save some money and have a place to stay when they came to town for their follow-up appointments._

* * *

Steve opened his eyes just as the Captain announced their arrival at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport. It took them a few minutes to get to the gate, and finally, the passengers started to walk to the exit. They waited until the plane was almost empty before getting up, so it would be easier to take care of the children.

Rachel stayed in Jersey to finish her job, so she would fly back to Hawaii a few weeks later, so Danny took Charlie's hand as Steve pulled the duffel bags out of the overhead compartment. Then he took Joannie, who was sound asleep, in his arms and walked behind Mary toward the exit.

The meeting with his sister had been emotional, to say the least. Danny had a hard time getting Steve to muster up enough courage to call Mary... it was difficult at first, because they both had a lot to say, questions to answer and wounds to heal, but for the past five months, they had talked on the phone every week.

It was a last-minute decision: On their way home, Steve and Danny would make a stop in Los Angeles and Mary and Joan would join them in the second part of the trip for a long and well-deserved vacation in Hawaii.

When they finally reached the beach house, they were greeted with a great uproar. They were all there. Eddie lunged at Steve, licking his face with great affection, as the man scratched his ears and said, "Eddie boy! Did you miss me?”

Junior and Adam hugged them tightly; Tani, Quinn and Noelani greeted them with leis and kisses; Kamekona, Flippa and Nahele with huge bags of shrimp and helium balloons. Lou and Renee were also there; Cole and Duke; Erick and Jerry.

Steve and Danny hugged each of their friends with great affection. Then Lou walked over to Steve and hugged him one more time, as he said, “Welcome home, chief. I missed you." Steve patted Lou's huge back and said, "I missed you too, brother."

When they finally moved away, Lou asked, "So… did you find the peace you were looking for?"

Steve looked away to see Danny who, dazed, listened to Jerry's talk about his new book... he looked at Lou again and said, "Yes... I did... or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that he found me."

Lou smiled knowingly and said, "I'm glad, man... you two deserve to have something good in your lives." He pointed to Danny who, by that time was looking everywhere, asking for help. The captain laughed and said, "You better go rescue him and I'll distract Jerry."

* * *

When everyone finally left, Danny went to the guest room to take Charlie to bed, Mary and Joan said good night and went up to the other room. Steve opened another beer and headed out to the beach, followed by Eddie. The cool night breeze caressed his skin as he closed his eyes and listened to the incessant and calming sound of the waves. He took a deep breath... He was home! He sat down in his wooden chair and started scratching Eddie's neck, drinking his ice-cold Longboard.

Ten or fifteen minutes later, he heard the familiar footsteps approaching across the lawn. Eddie got up and started running down the beach, just as Danny was putting two glasses and a bottle of whiskey on the table and said, "You told me we'd drink it when it was all over, so..." Then, he knelt in front of Steve, reached up to his neck, and took off a metal chain hidden under the collar of his shirt.

Slowly, he passed the chain around Steve's neck, until the dog tags rested on his chest, and he said, "I told you I'd give them back to you the day we drank that bottle, remember?" Steve stroked the metal, warm from the contact with Danny's skin. He took off the chain from his neck, kissed the dog tags, and placed the chain around Danny's neck again, while saying, "I also told you this is a part of me that would be with you... I want you to keep them."

Danny smiled. He leaned forward and kissed Steve, then he got up to drop into his chair when Steve lifted the bottle and read the label smiling, "Okay..." He poured the whiskey and handed Danny one of the glasses, as he said, "Okay... let's toast... to you!"

Danny collided his glass with Steve's and said, "No... to us!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As some of you may have noticed, I borrowed an idea for the boys' new beginning. I wanted Steve to do something that, while taking advantage of his special abilities, was in no way related to the violence and death that haunted him for most of his life. So I took a page from Alex O'Loughlin's book and decided that the boys would do something similar; Therefore, I allowed myself to borrow the idea of Trident Adventures. There is no intention to offend Alex or any of the other co-owners of that company, Stephen Kaplan, James Beck or Beulah Koele. In fact, I admire what they have done with Trident Adventures, as an alternative to an adventure on the islands, respectful of the environment and Hawaiian culture.  
> Having said that. Thanks for reading and see you later!


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